Ex won't accept it's over

[blueeyedmonster]

How can I get him to? I'm not going to take him back. Ever.

Op I am in almost same situation but about a year further down the road. My stbx is EA and I have dated and corroborated documentation of continual abuse, ea, sometimes pa, etc. it has taken me till now to realise how wrong his behaviour is, even though I ended r/s a long time ago in reaction to his behaviour to me and also to some extent to dcs. So in a nice fair decent (fantasy) world we'd co-own house, live politely till we sold it but when you're facing abuse, by the nature of it that isn't going to happen (scottishmummy) and it's bloody awful for dcs as well as victim partner. So it's not about convenience to op, it's about doing right thing for dcs. He will not do right thing for them because an abuser is what it says on the can. I would sadly suggest only route in this situation is to serve divorce papers with documented ea /pa statement and ask lawyer to get order asking him to leave till house is sold.

Easy to say, very hard to do, as I can sadly attest. Anyway, my ex wouldn't accept it was over until over a year of separate living. It's been hell for all. Thus I think divorce papers only way to make him accept. Do you feel safe doing this whilst living with him though? Good luck.

Because my Ex-BIL was abusive to SIL our council did help her rent a suitable home whilst the financials were sorted out - she did get the marital home back in the end.

Like ex-BIL your STBXH sounds as though he is one of those who cannot believe "his" wife would dare to stand up to him. He posted all sorts about her having a mid-life crises, that she must have had an affair, he never could accept that he was an abusive arse and she couldn't take it anymore.

Scottish what is your problem? This is meant to be a support forum! OP has said he is emotionally abusive. You're really being quite rude and unhelpful.

She will only repeat herself again inthenorth I have reported already

Earlier you said you didn't feel it's your place to tell people you've finished with him, including his family members. Maybe if you do he will have to face up to you being deadly serious.

What Scottishmummy said.

Good luck OP.

Blue - for all the well intentioned strident opinion on this thread I actually think the only appropriate thing for you to do is try and get some legal advice.

Lawyers signed up to resolution are committed to trying to make a split amicable although if your x really wants to make it acrimonious this may be hard to prevent!

I suspect what you need to be given is some options with this and yours and your children's legal rights in mind so you can make an informed decision about how you may be able to reduce the effect of the, possibly inevitable, conflict on the dc.

There are a lot of factors involved in determining your legal rights which can't be determined from this thread. Likewise in making a determination about your best course of action. I would strongly urge you to see a lawyer.

I don't agree that the primary carer (who is almost always female due to gendered Dickson of labour) seeking to stay with the children in the family home is being self interested and unfair and the law certainly doesn't either. The difficulty is that what's fair or ideal is, the majority of the time, not achievable in a relationship breakdown for all involved and acrimonious splits are damaging so I think legal advice is essential if you want to try to reduce the conflict of separating from a resolutely EA partner.

*division!

It is pretty simple. It's definitely not a nice situation but if you have a spare room, move into it. If not move in with parents, friends, rent somewhere if you can afford it. Tell friends and family you've finished. Tell husband you've told everyone. It will all start seeming pretty real and he'll be unable to avoid dealing with it. Things should get moving then in the process of separation. If you don't tell anyone he'll not take you seriously.

Thank you everyone for your input and those with support.

I am telling people when 'us' comes up or if friends ask if im ok and I can talk.
I am contacting a solicitor asap and calling council asap too.
I am making steps to make this seperation just that. A seperation.

He's now been put on nights tomorrow so will be home all day.

You've had good advice already OP, so nothing much to add except this: please take care and try not to get into confrontational situations with him. You are at risk of DV.

I was in the exact same situation as you and my now XH got nasty and physically hurt me when i tried to leave the house one evening :(

I ended up leaving with DDs, renting locally, and forcing a sale through the courts.

Please gather as much Real Life local support that you can, it helps you cope mentally even if they can't help much practically.

It's unfortunate some of you interpret my posts as problematic.they aren't
As I said op should see solicitor inform family,friends Of split.file for divorce
If op can corroborate EA yes by all means cite it to solicitor.

Consider how to minimise Impact on kids
Tell school about events,and ask they be mindful and sensitive to the kids
Investigate housing options eg private rentals,or what local authority/social landlord provision is available

I am random I have a good little network. Its very small but strong.

That's just what I've been doing Scottish

A little update. Legal advice has been sought. I can't get legal aid so have to pay for anything they do. I can pay £150 for them to send him a letter saying what I already have then go to court. Otr I can go to court myself after suggesting mediation (he told me he was snot going too effing mediation).

At present he still remains in the house. Making my life as difficult as possible while throwing insults at me at every opportunity he can. Still trying to get me back at times.

I'll be getting that court order asap.

Argh I hate autocorrect. Sorry for it's mistakes!

Argh I hate autocorrect. Sorry for it's mistakes!

Hope it goes well, sounds horrendous for you and the dc

Several people i know ended up living together for months after formally separated whilst waiting for the house to sell so living together once one of you has decided the relationship is over is fairly common.
I'd tell the various relatives and the children if they are old enough to understand.
Divorce is expensive and emotional, especially when the desire to split is one sided.

Its definitely not fun. Thing is the house isn't even on the market. He just won't discuss anything without insults and swearing.

Eldest DC wouldn't cope with knowing until the split is properly physical. It would make the DC very anxious and this one is finding things tricky in their own world as it is. Younger DC isn't old enough to understand.

We are going down the legal route now. I will be in proper talks with solicitors next week hopefully. First to send a letter to see if that gets him into gear.

I'm hoping it will but I won't hold my breath.