Am I selling myself short or is this my chance of happiness ?

[lemonbabe]

I'd really love your opinion on this one ladies as I'm in turmoil. I'll resume as much as possible. Here goes.

Last year met a wonderful man, loving, caring, funny, intelligent, etc. Brilliant chemistry, everything was there. Just one prob, insanely jealous...

We had a couple of fall outs then after almost 8 months he decided to walk away as he'd realised he couldn't control his feelings - he actually looked ill on occasions where he'd had a jealous 'fit' for whatever reason - I could see he was suffering and he actually said he didn't like himself this way.

I was heartbroken and missed him terribly but had NC for over 3 months. We recently got back in touch after I sent a short and rather cold email which was informative rather than anything else. It seemed he jumped at the chance to be back in contact again ....

We're on the verge of meeting up. I said I still had feelings for him (which is why I was hesitant to meet up in the first place). He says he still has feelings for me and is literally dying to meet up.

We've talked and talked and discussed things we never got the chance to around the break up. We're both divorced and found it difficult going into what was for both of us our first real relationship after divorce.

Should I meet him, perhaps in the hope that we can rekindle something worthwhile or do I stay clear ????? I'm in turmoil.

Can you go into more detail about how the jealousy manifests itself? What does he do exactly?

Is he willing to go for counselling about it? As you presumably can't go on without some significant change in his behaviour.

I know my view flies in the face of romanticism but truly, I would steer clear. Jealousy is a hugely destructive and irrational energy wedded to a deep core need to own and control. Any flattering interpretations of this emotion, especially when presenting in extreme ways, is the result of misguided thinking that it offers proof of love. It doesn't. It is ownership and control in action. Perhaps it has a dash of insecurity or other negativity to add individual flavour but ... just no. Red flag and then some.

Just my opinion ...

NewNameForSpring he kept suggesting I was seeing someone behind his back. At one point he asked me to stop going to the gym. If I didn't answer his calls immediately he would question me. If I went out with friends he'd want every detail. He once accused me of talking to someone in the toilet.... the list goes on.

brokenhearted55a I broke NC cos it'd been over 3 months - I missed him like crazy. My email to him was asking (rather coldly) if he was intended on going to a party to which we were both invited. In the email I said I would rather avoid an awkward encounter with him.
When we first got back in touch he asked loads of questions and told me how great it was to be back in touch, etc. We've spoken on the phone twice and the contact is natural and lovely, we have so much to talk about and conversation is very easy.

No. He isn't jealous, he's controlling. Read that back and see how stupid it sounds. Today he's stopping you from going to the gym and accusing you of talking to people in the toilet. Next month you'll only be allowed out if it's with him, you'll be on house arrest otherwise, and you won't be allowed to make eye contact with anyone.

It won't be long before he's 'punishing' you for looking at someone.

Stay away. Far, far away. He's not jealous. He's controlling, and dangerous.

Oh dear those signs of jealousy are v worrying. It's not love, it's control. There is a thread at the moment about early warning red flags. Maybe you should read it? Also how he talks about ex partners can be v revealing, does he take responsibility for his behaviour?

ohhh I was going to behave and stay quiet to let other views including your own percolate through. But your last info on the kinds of situation that trigger his rage are actually quite scary. Because you've only experienced the low-key stuff. Wait 'til he gets a full head of steam on the go.

Actually, please don't wait around for that. Yes, you would be selling yourself short and No this is not your chance of happiness ... quite the opposite ... trouble is so many controllers have amazing charisma. They fool many, especially the prey ...

So you both miss each other but nothing has changed with regard to his attitude to you going to gym etc?

Unless he is saying, 'hey, I realised after we split that I had some serious issues and am working on them with counselling' then when you get back together aren't the same issues are going to come up again? What will happen this time? Will you submit to his demands because you missed him over those 3 months? Even if he is saying he was in the wrong and is addressing his issues it could be bullshit so you'd have to proceed with caution.

Insane jealousy, which includes as one of it's modus operandi extreme control, is not curable by any change in behaviour on the part of the 'victim' on the receiving end. It's dangerous.

So you'd be selling yourself very short indeed by going back with him and this is not your only chance of happiness.

This is from the Women's Aid website on signs of a potential abuser. Please read and ask yourself if any of them are familiar to you...

www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=8624&section=00010001000800210001

Based on info given, you have had a very lucky escape.

i wouldn't get involved any more. How can it get better when he has already shown himself in his true colours when you were dating. I would stay well clear no matter how much you miss him.

Maybe think back to how you felt when he was at the height of his controlling behaviour. Replay to yourself those situations and imagine being back in that situation, the accusations, the restrictions on your freedom....

Do you think it would get any better by giving him a way back into your life?

If this guy really is as jealous and controlling as the OP says (and she really doesn't know the extent to which it could reach) it would not be amenable to counselling or even intense psychotherapy. It is a disorder of personality.

She should stay away.

I got together with one of those. I was sure that once I had proved my commitment to him he would relax and feel more secure. So I married him. Then I had a child with him. Then three more. I came back home to him for 23 years, gradually getting older and fatter and less attractive, believing one day he would realise no-one wanted me anyway so he would stop worrying I would leave. It never, never got better. Eventually I did divorce him, and he told everyone I was leaving him so I could shag a hatful of younger men. (He even told the DC, and made them cry.)

Run away, run away.

Oh god, I can only imagine what he'll be dreaming up that you did during your three months apart. It will torment him and he will take it out on you.

a big NO from me too.

And another big NO WAY from me, too.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life justifying your behaviour to someone who has already admitted he is incapable of controlling his behaviour. This relationship has already crashed and burned once due to his control issues - what makes you think he'll be any different three months on?

This has the potential to make you very unhappy indeed, imo. Run and keep running.

Another vote to stay clear. At it's best jealousy is exhausting, at it's worst controlling. I had an ex who accused me of creeping out while he was asleep to sleep with other men, imagined blemishes were love bites etc and it got worse over time, not better.

Unsurprisingly, it's a massive no no. I've never ever had this behaviour in a relationship, it was new territory for me.

I kind of (stupidly) thought that once he'd calm down and realised that this behaviour was ruining the relationship, he'd calm down. Maybe he's got no control of that. Maybe this IS part and parcel of his personality.

I suppose I was eager to give him another chance because on every other level things were so great.

He DID have massive distrust issues and I wondered if that were not linked to his very painful and acrimonious divorce.

I feel kind of foolish in a way because whilst I do realise the potential severity of this behaviour at the same time I'm scared I'm not giving him a second chance for something he may be able to tone down.

Those of you who have witnessed this type of behaviour in a man will no doubt argue second chances are a waste of time.

Or his 'painful and acrimonious' divorce could be linked to his massive distrust issues. (and everything that goes along with that - control, insecurity, possessiveness etc)

The safest thing when dating is not to look at someone with a view to what he may be able to 'tone down', ie change, - but to focus on who he is now.

Oh no, don't go back there.

This

he kept suggesting I was seeing someone behind his back. At one point he asked me to stop going to the gym. If I didn't answer his calls immediately he would question me. If I went out with friends he'd want every detail. He once accused me of talking to someone in the toilet

is not something that can be worked on. As PP have said, it's textbook controlling behaviour. It will get much, much worse.

And you would end up wondering ...how did I go from being a lovely carefree woman to an emotional wreck? Why am I walking on eggshells? What happened to that lovely, caring man with the great chemistry? How do I get him back?

You never get him back.

I know it's hard to believe, but a wonderful man, loving, caring, funny, intelligent, etc. Brilliant chemistry really can turn into your worst nightmare. I'm sorry :(

I kind of (stupidly) thought that once he'd calm down and realised that this behaviour was ruining the relationship, he'd calm down

From his point of view it wasn't "ruining the relationship." It WAS the relationship. That's how he wanted the relationship to be: him in charge; you too scared to put a foot wrong.

Don't get back together with him and in future if you're both invited to an event, just don't go. Don't use it as an excuse to make contact with him, just politely decline the invitation. You are extremely lucky to have got out when you did. Don't go back.

You are extremely lucky to have got out when you did. Don't go back.

This x10000000

With a man like this, things only get worse, not better. His jealousy and controlling behaviour will only escalate - he'll stop you seeing your friends - stop you going out without him - either by jealous rages or by passive-aggressive sulking, whichever way he does it, he'll get you behaving the way he wants.

Doesn't sound like a chance of happiness to me, sounds like hell. Run away, run run away as fast as you can and don't look back.

Oh god no...he sounds awful. You've done 3 months...keep moving on and don't look back!!!

Just curious - has he alluded in any way to his previous behaviour, or admitted any kind of fault on his part? Has he suggested he needs help?