Am I selling myself short or is this my chance of happiness ?

[lemonbabe]

I'd really love your opinion on this one ladies as I'm in turmoil. I'll resume as much as possible. Here goes.

Last year met a wonderful man, loving, caring, funny, intelligent, etc. Brilliant chemistry, everything was there. Just one prob, insanely jealous...

We had a couple of fall outs then after almost 8 months he decided to walk away as he'd realised he couldn't control his feelings - he actually looked ill on occasions where he'd had a jealous 'fit' for whatever reason - I could see he was suffering and he actually said he didn't like himself this way.

I was heartbroken and missed him terribly but had NC for over 3 months. We recently got back in touch after I sent a short and rather cold email which was informative rather than anything else. It seemed he jumped at the chance to be back in contact again ....

We're on the verge of meeting up. I said I still had feelings for him (which is why I was hesitant to meet up in the first place). He says he still has feelings for me and is literally dying to meet up.

We've talked and talked and discussed things we never got the chance to around the break up. We're both divorced and found it difficult going into what was for both of us our first real relationship after divorce.

Should I meet him, perhaps in the hope that we can rekindle something worthwhile or do I stay clear ????? I'm in turmoil.

Sounds dodgy. If he's that controlling after a few months imagine a few years down the road.

I would meet up with him but make it very clear that while you like him , the relationship will not continue if there is any sign of jealous behaviour. Tell him clearly you will not live like that and will walk away the minute he starts .... Stick to it because if he really can't change and control his feelings then, as said before it's no life to live.
Everyone can be jealous but it needs to be put into context and controlled. It's also a very unattractive emotion.

The jealousy is not something "in addition" to the relationship, or because he sees you as someone adorable and special and uber-feminine and desirable, so he wants to preserve the connection.

He's broken inside so he "wants" it to be full of drama. Like someone said earlier, the jealousy and the rage he gets when he thinks you are "cheating" IS the relationship for him.

Your role: Thing To Hate And Set Up As The Wicked Witch Of The West. He can't have feelings for someone he doesn't resent.

He doesn't have feelings for you as a person, he's created this alternate Dream Woman in your place who is unfaithful to him,h so he can play out this creepy "my woman is cheating on me" scenario.

He's a sick one who is actually secretly fantasising about being cuckolded, and projecting this fantasy onto you. All those "he looked sick" scenes? They were accurate, he gets worked up/emotionally turns himself on by thinking about/imagining you shagging someone else.

This fantasy existed LONG before you came on the scene, and is nothing to do with you or your behaviour. It may be to do with his mother. Hate, and a pity party where he is the wronged one, is the only way he can interact with a woman.

You can't fix it.

Manon nailed it.

Most people have advised you to get the hell out and quickly. I guess that's not what you wanted to hear. Of course there is a chance that he could change but it's a very,very slim one. An awful lot of DV stems from jealousy/control. It's a terrible and painful trait to have and brings so much destruction. You were well on your way to getting over him. Be really strong now and walk away before the jealousy rules your life and you become afraid to go out or talk to other people because of the accusations that follow. Please be strong, believe that you are worth better and close this door while you still can. The wounds will heal and you will get over him in time.

My exH was controlling, but his control didn't manifest in jealousy, but in being 'concerned' for me. And what everyone else is saying about it getting worse is exactly what happened - it started off that he was concerned I was so naive I didn't realise when someone was hitting on me and would find myself in a dangerous situation; he was concerned that I'd get attacked if I went to certain places (inc parts of the city centre in the daytime) so I had to promise that I wouldn't; he was concerned about the influence certain people might have on me/or the impact their negativity might have on me, so I wasn't supposed to see them; he was concerned that I didn't have the confidence to do things without him there to support me because "you know what you're like, you'll only worry"; he was concerned that I wasn't coping with working full time, so I dropped to part time and then he concerned I wasn't spending my days of productively enough; then he was concerned that I was becoming financially dependent on him...

Although as time went on, the 'concern' was expressed increasingly aggressively and culminated in him kicking the bathroom door in when I'd locked myself in there to get away from the tirade of verbal abuse in which he told me how useless I was and how I wouldn't have or be anything without the concern he had/expressed for me. And at that point I still didn't leave/kick him out because I'd come to believe that I was completely incompetent and unable to cope without him.

And I truly believed that eventually I would be able to show him/prove to him that he didn't need to be so worried about me and that we would be happy.

And this evening when he dropped the children home after his contact weekend, he tried gaslighting me and when I didn't accept it (because I know what that is now and I'm less affected by him) so instead he was just really nasty and gave me subtle warnings in what he said that I was running the risk of him saying things to the children that would show them what a nasty bitch I really am (he has a habit of doing that. There's nothing tangible in what he says, but I know what he's doing...)

Just don't even go there, save yourself the hassle.

And I only got drawn in because it felt quite nice for someone to care so much and be so concerned for me. But I realised in the end it was nothing about love or caring for me, he was only interested in controlling me.

Yes, he was very focused on meeting my needs, but only if they were the needs he felt I should have, whether I had them or not...

I'm another one who's suffered a man with jealousy issues and naively thought I would be able to reassure him and he would learn to trust me. He didn't. It got worse. It went from him being suspicious about who I was texting and coming with me to the swimming pool to meeting me from work to accusing me of eyeing up men in the street and flirting with the builders...

To avoid him getting angry and sulking I was eventually basically spending my entire time with him and having no social life of my own.

I couldn't even post on mumsnet for advice on how to deal with this, as he hated me using the computer (convinced I was in touch with old flames) and I would never have had a chance to start a thread without him seeing it.

However nice this man seems in other ways and however wonderfully sexually compatible you are, it is absolutely not worth pursuing this relationship, as I can guarantee it will make you utterly miserable.

You posted about the possibility of him 'toning it down' but even that would still be awful to live with. That is minimising the problem. You mentioned him doing a range of things that impacted on your freedom and any one of those alone is him overstepping. You deserve better, and there are better men out there. Don't sell yourself short.

Selling yourself short.