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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Due to get married in 7 weeks and lusting over someone I met online :(

74 replies

Mumof3madones · 02/05/2014 10:47

I think this is because I am getting married , to a wonderful man and father, however I feel something is just missing and I've met someone online , I don't want a relationship with them
I just want sex then I feel I will have fulfilled the lust ? I know it's wrong and I doubt I will go along with it but just wanted to do know if anyone else had been in this boat ?

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beershuffle · 02/05/2014 19:12

Do you love him though, or are you just used to being together? You keep saying how much you love each other, but both your and his actions say otherwise.

And of course it would be cheating, you know that already.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/05/2014 19:17

*I've only had 3 men before DP and I feel at my age I should have had more fun by now . I guess it's just my age yes"

FFS, I'm 31 and my man tally is currently at 1.

A life is not measured by how many people we've had sex with or how hard you've partied.

Life is about what you not who you do.

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 02/05/2014 20:47

Ok I'm
I'm the wrong I get it , just don't know what to
Do

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/05/2014 20:56

What you do is nothing.

You don't get married.
You don't carry on this OD thing.

Carry on with life, removing the pressure of the wedding, and see how you feel in 6 months time.

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 02/05/2014 21:39

Ok thank you :) an answer finally :) I will do that

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 02/05/2014 21:40

You love your fiance but feel trapped and wonder what another would feel like. An adventure perhaps because your life already is predictable and limited. Is that where it is? Because if so then you should really postpone the wedding and figure out a way to un-cage yourself.

It sounds awful but i'm wondering if you need to end both relationships ... i know, i feel the massive ouch too ...

but perhaps Hissy has it right ...

daisychain01 · 02/05/2014 22:04

I just don't get that a grown woman needs to come onto a forum to be told by a bunch of strangers "what to do" 7 weeks before their wedding. And that the biggest decision of their life boils down to .. Ooo shall I sleep with some random bloke Ive picked up off the internet, or should I stick with my partner, the father of my DCs, I just don't know.

That's pathetic. But maybe Im missing something. I hope he cottons on, that you're even thinking that way, before its too late for him to find someone he deserves.

If you feel like that now, imagine what you'll be like in 5, 10 years! Doesn't bear thinking about.

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 02/05/2014 22:27

Thanks daisy chain , hope u never need to ask for advice

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 02/05/2014 22:40

I don't think its genuine advice you are seeking. Have you actually taken the time to read all the heart breaking stories of what infidelity does to people's lives? It rips the heart out of people, and the lives of those little DCs too.

Let me put it another way, ask yourself what your partner's opinion would be, of the woman he will be standing in public and professing his love to, when meanwhile she is openly lusting after a bit of casual sex for the hell of it.

Maybe relationship counselling will help, I just don't have the patience! Sorry.

Good luck.

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 23:00

I definitely think that you shouldn't go ahead with the dating thing with this guy even if you lust after him. I would also definitely ask you to maybe take some timeouts to reflect if anything. Whether this is to go to a retreat, or a spa for a few days, just to clear your head. If you can postpone the wedding, then do so and be honest about this. If you are uncertain of it, then say so. I think being honest to your fiance is important here. I get the feeling that you are not very well grounded right now, and is marriage what you want ?

Also, consider writing or journalling your feelings, and write down the most important things that you have in the world. Let yourself know what it is that you need in life. I would go with that.

Are you religious by any chance ? I would also question this aspect as well. I get the impression that you say things but you do not mean it. But you have to truly search for that yourself, so that you do feel energised on what you do, and actively do.

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 07:36

Thank you Maisie , I do think I need time out, we have had a lot of stress just lately and I think I'm getting confused. I do really love him but I think it's just a bit of adventure I want which I won't get with him as he is so set in his ways.

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/05/2014 07:46

Postpone the wedding and do some thinking.

It's ok to change your mind.

Perhaps you've just gone with the flow here, and now your inner voice has begun to shout at you.

The wedding is focusing your mind on the 'until death do us part bit' I think.

If this is a good relationship then it's worth saving, if your doubts are genuine, then you do need to make a decision to either fix it, or leave it.

Yes that's really hard. But going through with a wedding, at considerable expense knowing your heart's not in it, THEN having to go through the shit that is divorce (more money and even when mutual, it's sad) doesn't make for a happy life.

Short term excrutiation for long term contentment/peace of mind.

Who decided on getting married btw? You, or him? What drove the decision to get married?

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 08:16

It's so very hard :( we both decided on it , we have been talking about it for a few years and decided on this year. I just don't know what wrong with me ? I can't help but just want to something once just for me. But it's so selfish , I'm just so confused at the moment. I deff need time out.

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/05/2014 08:33

If it ain't broke, why fix it?

I think this is all manifesting from you not having your needs met generally. You need to postpone the wedding.

Talk to your dp about your feelings (NOT the OD clearly)

Hissy · 03/05/2014 08:34

Could you book a weekend away, just you? Spa or something? Be by yourself for a bit?

Do you have hobbies/activities that are just yours?

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 08:54

I'm going to take some time out and figure this out, thanks everyone for being so supportive, your views have really made a lot of sense.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 03/05/2014 10:14

Be yourself. Marry as you. Good, AND bad...

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 15:42

Wow that's so interesting , that's me :(

OP posts:

tilliebob · 03/05/2014 18:03

I'm in my 40s with my man tally at 1. Never questioned getting married to him (at 22), have never questioned it since. We have had some "wild times", but had them together. If I were you I'd be postponing the wedding....

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 20:15

Yes I think so too , still can't help talk to the OM ? I feel there is something I'm missing ..........

OP posts:

member · 03/05/2014 20:34

Cancel the wedding.

You seem determined to shag somebody else; end the relationship with your dp first if you are going to do this. You can't have your cake AND eat it.

Maisie0 · 03/05/2014 21:00

You do not even have to end the relationship with DP, but just abstain from sex for a week or something, and THEN see how you feel. There can be much of the sameness especially if you do not take breaks. Cos then your body will "charge" up again.... ;)

If you lust for him after that, then you know you do fancy him. Especially if you get upset as well.

Original poster

Mumof3madones · 03/05/2014 21:43

I will try that Maisie , we do have sex about 4 times a week Nd it is sameish , I will cut it down Nd see how we go.

OP posts:

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