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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave this relationship?

44 replies

Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 21:57

Just to gauge opinions really...

Here's the scenario...

You met him and moved in together a few months later. A few months after that found out you were pregnant. Had baby no1. Soon after baby no1 the relationship turned very sour. He was emotionally abusive at first, calling you a poor mother, lazy etc etc when in fact you are none of these things. Soon after it turned physically abusive (I realise this is where the relationship should have ended but you still loved him at this point) it wasn't massively physically abusive - no black eyes but physical enough. This carried on for the next couple of years in which time baby no2 was born. 2 years ago he really injures you. At this point you involve other people, explain everything and tell them all that next time it's the police. This was a turning point for him. Since then he's made a real effort, he is nice, no longer abusive and he seems to really put you first now. Everything you wanted him to be he finally is.. He really seems to have learnt his lesson and turned a corner. However... You just don't love him anymore. You find him physically repulsive , the thought of intimacy makes you queezy . However nice he is you just can't find a way to love him. Would you try and learn to love him again, accepting he's a new man? Or forget it and move on?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:01

Move on

AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:02

and next time, don't move things along so quickly, especially now you have a couple of kids in the mix

Waltermittythesequel · 01/05/2014 22:03

I would stake my life that he has not stopped being abusive.

This is a pause, not an end.

okeydonkey · 01/05/2014 22:03

Move in, he may do it again and you are worth more anyway

MsHighwater · 01/05/2014 22:03

I second that. If you don't want to be in the relationship any more, end it.

UncrushedParsley · 01/05/2014 22:03

Sometimes things are just broken beyond repair. Knowing what someone is capable of can stop you loving people. I would move on.

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 22:05

Ummm OP, read back what you've written and ask yourself the same question? Go and take your lovely children with you.

AlbertsJoy · 01/05/2014 22:06

IMHO and experience, physical and emotional abuse kills love. The love is unlikely to return. Time to move on if you can. Be interesting to see if this "new man" reverts to his previous behaviours once he realises he has killed the love you once felt for him? Sad

Original poster
Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:07

I know it sounds like I should leave. But he's really spoiling me at the moment and I feel bad for not appreciating it when he's making such an effort and I'm not :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:08

It almost makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong at the moment because I'm the one not trying

OP posts:
AlbertsJoy · 01/05/2014 22:09

But can you really trust him after all he's done to you OP? Don't feel guilty.

Appletini · 01/05/2014 22:10

Why should you appreciate it? Leave!

Lweji · 01/05/2014 22:11

Move on.

Your guts are probably telling you that this is just an act to keep you sweet. Part of the cycle of abuse, really.

The spoiling part doesn't sound good. It's designed to make you doubt yourself.

You don't want to wait until he turns again.

How long ago did he injure you?

gamerchick · 01/05/2014 22:11

There are some things you can't come back from. A bit like squeezing toothpaste from a tube. You can't put it back in, no matter how much you want to.

So what if he's trying now.. he can channel that spoiling into his kids and if he really has changed he will accept that without a murmur.

MrsKCastle · 01/05/2014 22:12

After all he's put you through? You owe him nothing. He destroyed your trust in him. Move on.

Lweji · 01/05/2014 22:12

Why should you be trying?

He has to do all the leg work to make you trust again. Do not feel guilty. He's on probation, not you.

aylesburyduck · 01/05/2014 22:13

The answer is yes. Leave. As a PP said this is just a pause.

WhoNickedMyName · 01/05/2014 22:13

He senses the change in you so he's treading carefully, on his best behaviour for now, till he's got you back where he wants you.

It won't last.

daughteritsmeagain · 01/05/2014 22:14

move on.

Original poster
Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:14

It was almost 2 years ago now. It started in 2009ish so about 3 years then he stopped when I stood up for myself

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 01/05/2014 22:19

Check out the cycle of abuse. Is this familiar to you? Sounds like he is in the honeymoon phase but it's only a matter of time before he becomes abisive again...

www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

AdoraBell · 01/05/2014 22:21

I would read that spoiling as manipulating and or bribing.

In your shoes I would walk away, but be aware that abusive people really turn nasty when their víctim leaves.

So, if you decide to leave involve other people, family, friends, police DV unit, Women's Aid.

Simplesusan · 01/05/2014 22:21

Move on.

Hassled · 01/05/2014 22:22

You don't trust him anymore and really - why the hell should you? Trust is very, very hard to win back - and you can't force it. If it's not there, it's not there.

Original poster
Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:24

Definitely in the 3 years it was all going on we used to swing through those stages... Except that he was NEVER apologetic or would even admit that he was wrong not me so I dunno if that counts for the honeymoon. Maybe this is just a longer honeymoon period. To be honest I've been planning leaving for months, trying to get some money together etc but it's proving so difficult I was starting to doubt I was doing the right thing. I needed a bit of motivation from strangers to keep me on track

OP posts: