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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you leave this relationship?

44 replies

Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 21:57

Just to gauge opinions really...

Here's the scenario...

You met him and moved in together a few months later. A few months after that found out you were pregnant. Had baby no1. Soon after baby no1 the relationship turned very sour. He was emotionally abusive at first, calling you a poor mother, lazy etc etc when in fact you are none of these things. Soon after it turned physically abusive (I realise this is where the relationship should have ended but you still loved him at this point) it wasn't massively physically abusive - no black eyes but physical enough. This carried on for the next couple of years in which time baby no2 was born. 2 years ago he really injures you. At this point you involve other people, explain everything and tell them all that next time it's the police. This was a turning point for him. Since then he's made a real effort, he is nice, no longer abusive and he seems to really put you first now. Everything you wanted him to be he finally is.. He really seems to have learnt his lesson and turned a corner. However... You just don't love him anymore. You find him physically repulsive , the thought of intimacy makes you queezy . However nice he is you just can't find a way to love him. Would you try and learn to love him again, accepting he's a new man? Or forget it and move on?

OP posts:

Report

oikopolis · 01/05/2014 22:29

Run run run

Next time he will kill you. And there will be a next time one day.

How can you trust someone who has physically INJURED you. How can you be expected to be intimate with such a person? No no no no it's all wrong, it's not salvageable and it's not your fault that it's not.

HE did this. Not you. You didn't ask him to assault you, and you can't protect him from the natural consequences of his own choices... when someone behaves like a monster, they shouldn't act hard done by when people don't want to be around them....

Quitelikely · 01/05/2014 22:30

Going against the majority here. The guy has been 'good' or whatever you wabt to call it for the last 3 years. He deserves some credit for that!

Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:33

Quitelikely, that's where my conscience is at too

OP posts:

FengMa · 01/05/2014 22:34

Ignore (for the sake of argument but not, of course, in reality!) that he's abusive; you find him physically repugnant. Generally, that's reason alone, no? Now, for a wonderful, kind, giving, loving man who is an amazing companion and fabulous father, you might be able to deal with the spark disappearing. But he isn't those things, is he?

For me, abuse is intolerable. His current behaviour has given you the confidence to actually look at the situation for what it is. Your OP reads like you think abuse is intolerable too...

If you break it off, please please plan carefully to make sure that you and your little ones are safe in case he reverts to type. If you decide to stay, please please please have a contingency to keep you and your little ones well if he reverts to type.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:34

So ? You mean he has switched back to being a decent person for a while, so let's forget all that went before ?

OP, you don't even like him. Conscience has nothing to do with it...better to ask where his was when he was abusing you. What are you thinking ?

AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:36

OP, it might be useful for you to be aware that QL often "goes against the grain" when it is clear that something is a very bad idea for a vulnerable woman to consider. Have a little think about what kind of poster might do that on a regular basis.

FengMa · 01/05/2014 22:40

PS call me harsh but I'm not inclined to give credit to those who act lawfully and non-abusively. It's the very bare minimum requirement, surely. Not a privilege to be grateful for.

Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:42

Anyfucker I do like your firm but fair attitude it's what I need right now

OP posts:

Mumtotwo0911 · 01/05/2014 22:44

I will leave. I might start a new thread tomorrow on how best to leave because it's proving very complicated. I'm too tired right now though!

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 22:44

Abuse is not "normal" OP.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:44

There are other, better men than him out there. Like Feng said, ust because he has been "non abusive" for a while does not a Gold Medal deserve.

Put him out of your mind and tell your misguided conscience to STFU.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2014 22:45

There it is.

if it proves "complicated" to leave, it probably means that is exactly what you should do.

lavenderhoney · 01/05/2014 23:29

If you have fallen out of love with him and no longer want to sleep with him, then leave. He can still see the dc. Living life like this is madness.

It doesn't matter if he is ( seems) ok now. If you can't bear to be with him and recoil from sex ( I assume you aren't having sex then) its time to go. It was time before. Its still time now.

Don't tell him you're off. He has form. Make plans in secret and leave. I suggest you contact women's aid for advice. Don't assume he will let you go amicably. He won't. Don't be that statistic.

Staying is much more complicated.

NettleTea · 02/05/2014 00:10

But if you dont even like him, if he makes your skin crawl, then WHY would you stay with him?
Sometimes the past behaviour just kills it flat. There isnt a hope in hell of loving him again

bragmatic · 02/05/2014 04:28

I'm sorry, but I don't believe he has changed that much. Sure the physical abuse might have stopped, but your earlier experiences of him have resulted in you lowering the bar massively in terms of what you consider to be acceptable in a relationship.

GarlicMaybeNot · 02/05/2014 04:56

Next time he will kill you. And there will be a next time one day.

I stayed, OP. With hindsight it's so clear that he substituted other forms of abuse for the violence - and that it was easy for him, because I'd experienced what he could do when displeased, and was compliant. My 'victory' was that I stopped my partner hitting me - wtf??!

Anyway, the years went by and eventually we broke up for another reason. We were incredibly civilised. Then one night he tried to kill me. Right out of the blue: no arguments, no nothing; hadn't even seen each other that day until he came at me. No announcement of any type.

It's surprising how often this happens. You don't hear much about it.

daughteritsmeagain · 02/05/2014 05:43

my then-husband also tried to kill me. we were having a row, someone had told me to hit back if he hit me, so i tried it. bad move.

Madamecastafiore · 02/05/2014 06:11

Abuse aside (not minimising it as have been there ) , but you have one life, you deserve to be loved and to feel love, it's what makes the world go around after all.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/05/2014 08:02

Oh blimey. Leave. He started treating you with respect and putting you first after you threatened him with the police if he injured you again. You don't love him. You have two options leave, or stay with somebody you done respect.

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