Online dating: Why do men write off women in their own age range?

[labetenoir]

I am currently using Guardian Soul Mates but its the same on so many sites. I am 36 but a man my age or even 37 - 40 only wants to date women between 23 and 34 for example.

I just can't work out the logic, its not like women suddenly become hideous at 35. I can imagine a lot of it is ego and self delusion i.e. lots of people men and women often think they are young looking and acting for their age i.e not your average 30 something but who is these days?

It just seems like such a knee jerk reaction to put your age cut off automatically at several years younger than your own. I have read the studies that say how men even if they say they will date women older than them (very rare) they still spend most of their time and energy contacting women at the very youngest end of their range and often even younger ones.

It just pees me off because it seems so dismissive. To be honest I am losing faith in online dating, another article today about the high percent of married people using online dating sites and apps to "shop around" to check out the market ... its so depressing. What happened to love?

[educationforlife]

We are not talking 2 years we are talking 10 or more - increasing as the men get older.
We are also talking the majority of older men on OD sites.
Have a look round; it's depressing
The rest of the argument, get, is merely circular: men want younger women because they want younger women.
Certainly true, as far as it goes, but doesn't really advance the discussion much

[LoveSardines]

Because they are idiots, and self-important idiots at that.

If I met a man who was 40 (my age) and he said he would only date women between 23 and 34 I would think he was an absolute twat.

DH is 5 years younger than me and he seems perfectly happy

[LoveSardines]

In fact I would think a 40 year old man who was pursuing 23 year olds had something a bit wrong with him TBH.

[Simplesusan]

I think they are just pushing their luck.

In reality you don't see many 50 year old average men (whatever that is) with an average 28 year old woman. Just as you don't find many fat short bald unemployed men with a 5"10 glamorous financially sound model.

[Caucasus]

I always comment on this too. My mum recently joined Soulmates. She's 53 and very young looking for her age - she has dated men her own age but her last boyfriends (who she knew in RL before they asked her out) were 45 and 36. She's a vivacious, youthful and extremely attractive woman, and her age has nothing to do with that.

AND YET men of her age and older on SM routinely put they are looking for someone under 50 - such a joke! They would have a different attitude if they met her (and probably you too) in a bar, guaranteed.

I always use it as a duchebag filter (same as people who specifically say "slim" in their 'what you're looking for' section - she is slim, but I think she shouldn't write to someone who specifically asks for that!). I mean, Madonna is 56 ffs, do these guys really think they are so much younger, fitter and more sprightly than she is???

It's annoying but at least it's a little clue that their priorities are all messed up, and because of it they are missing out on some fantastic women. TBH they are the ones that are losing out. It's actually useful for you because you don't have to waste time dating them to find out they are twats.

[Caucasus]

I think it's worse in OD because people are responding to their theoretical ideas of a woman rather than the actual person themselves, which they would be in RL. When I was 31 I was on Soulmates too, and people my own age often stipulated they only wanted women under 30, so I didn't bother writing to them.

Yet at the same time in RL I had a 21 year old male friend who persistently tried to woo me (I politely declined).

I'm sure that if that friend had thought about it in only a theoretical way (eg when writing a dating profile) he wouldn't have said "Yes, I want a girl over 30", but the way you imagine people at different ages and the reality of it - that age is just a number - is very different.

In theory these men assume younger is better, more lively, more attractive etc, when in reality this is of course not the case. They probably lust after attractive women on the street all the time that are their age or older, and just assume they are younger than they really are.

[MadBusLady]

Go Caucasus' mum!

I'm 35 and also get a lot of street/RL attention from men who I bet wouldn't look at me twice on a dating site. Starting to seriously wonder if the answer is to go back to hooking up in bars.

[Darkesteyes]

MadBus I COMPLETELY agree. If I was to date again I would date like it was the 80s. Im 41 next month and am currently a 16/18 Ive come down from a 22 and would feel nervous disrobing in front of someone new. Im married but its affectionless/sexless and I don't want to internet date much less extra marital internet date.
Sorry im just rambling now. Internet dating seems too brutal to me. At least if you do meet in a bar or at work there is that chemistry or connection that you can feel or not as the case may be. I don't want to do this over a computer screen Not sure im ready to tackle all this yet.

[Darkesteyes]

causcasus your mum sounds fabulous

[Caucasus]

Thanks Darkesteyes! She is fabulous - way more fabulous than me. I'm a bit lazy with makeup, hairdresser, clothes etc, but she always looks immaculate.

She has a really tight group of friends of a similar age, all divorced, and they have the best time - lots of nights out and spa days. A gay friend of mine said after meeting them that "being a divorced woman in your 40s [it was a while ago - we were only in our late 20s then] is the most glamorous thing ever!"

[BitOutOfPractice]

darkeyes what do you mean "date like it's the 1980s"?

[Darkesteyes]

basically I just meant pre internet

[BitOutOfPractice]

So what's your plan? Because short of hanging out round the park or going to school discos, I'm not sure how you'd create that 80s dating vibe to be honest

[Darkesteyes]

That's not quite what I meant. I just meant without internet ,smartphones etc as if I was an adult dating in the 80s. IF I do do anything that is.

[Hedgehead]

My friend who is on Guardian Soulmates is 30 and cannot seem to get any men in their thirties interested in her. Only those in their twenties and men over 40. She is completely bemused by this too. She just wants to meet someone her own age.

I think men have a funny idea about what is right for them or what will work for them. And it takes a lot of trial and error for them to realise.

Also the fertility issue is a big deal. Men who have left it late (early 40s) to have kids want to ENSURE their partner is young enough to be able to have the number they want. That means going about 6-10 years younger.

[Caucasus]

It's not just fertility though - my mum is in her 50s and even men in their 50s seem to want women in their 40s. It makes no sense!

[UtterFool]

Pmsl at BitOutOfPractise . Not sure if you were being funny but that was priceless lol.

But in all seriousness I agree with Darkesteyes. I'm married too but would hate the idea of OD. I much rather building some physical rapport with someone in RL.

Having said that I still like 80's and still buy vinyl.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Utter, I hoped it was funny yes

I'm just a bit puzzled as to how this 80s dating would work. Where you would bump into all these eligible single men to have some physical rapport with.

I mean in the 80s I was at school and uni. I mixed every day, therefore, with boys / men of my own age, none of whom were married / with long term partners. I'm not sure, in my day to day life, how many of them I meet now (and I am out and about a LOT)

Of course I would have preferred to have met someone in a pub and felt the earth stop spinning when I saw him etc etc like I did my ex (not that that worked out brilliantly) but you can wait a lifetime for that to happen.

It's not so much that the world had moved on (I'm sure teenagers are still meeting people at school/ college / work and getting together perfectly naturally like I did when I was that age) it's that out lives have and the lives of our peers. We have jobs, kids, baggage, stuff to consider that we (or rather I) didn't in the 80s. It's not that simple any more

[UtterFool]

BitOutOfPractice

Lol thanks. Sometimes it's difficult to interpret humour in posts.

I appreciate what you're saying though and in some ways OD is great for those who struggle to find someone during the hustle and bustle of every day life.

My kids had a mad conversation at the dinner table about how long it would take me to find someone if my wife died! They reckoned 2+ years but in reality the prospect scares me silly. Not withstanding losing my wife but what the hell would I do?

I brushed it off by saying that I'd find someone in 2 weeks but it's likely that I'd be single for the rest of my days!

[antimatter]

My experience of OD is such it brings out the worst of many people. SO some men who are fantasist will act on those with conviction that the rest of the world is wrong but them

My advice is - keep at it. Odds are such amongst other singles you are going to find another one who has similar one. It is long process! So don't be surprised having to kiss many ugly frogs.

[JaneParker]

There are enough wanting someone their own age, though. Just keep looking. Plenty have said to me that much younger women pressure them for children or want them to bring up the woman's children or want a meal ticket. Women their age with successful careers who have already had children are the ideal for some men - lucky me.

[RaspberryBeret34]

I see it as an idiot filter really. If a man doesn't want an equal then he sure as hell won't want me (and I won't want him).

I don't find age is the most significant factor when it comes to being energetic/fun/attractive etc and all the other things people seem to think comes with "youth" anyway. I know plenty of lazy, boring as hell young people and active, fabulous older people (and vice versa). I can't see that being with a younger person (always having to explain cultural references or the other person saying "oh, I wasn't born then" etc etc) would make you feel particularly youthful yourself anyway. I guess some men see it as a status symbol to "have" a younger woman (ugh, again - those types of men are not for me).

Having said that I'm 34 and I've ended up (for now ;)) with a 43 year old (although he wasn't esp looking for a younger woman - he says) so I haven't exactly bucked the trend.