Online dating: Why do men write off women in their own age range?

[labetenoir]

I am currently using Guardian Soul Mates but its the same on so many sites. I am 36 but a man my age or even 37 - 40 only wants to date women between 23 and 34 for example.

I just can't work out the logic, its not like women suddenly become hideous at 35. I can imagine a lot of it is ego and self delusion i.e. lots of people men and women often think they are young looking and acting for their age i.e not your average 30 something but who is these days?

It just seems like such a knee jerk reaction to put your age cut off automatically at several years younger than your own. I have read the studies that say how men even if they say they will date women older than them (very rare) they still spend most of their time and energy contacting women at the very youngest end of their range and often even younger ones.

It just pees me off because it seems so dismissive. To be honest I am losing faith in online dating, another article today about the high percent of married people using online dating sites and apps to "shop around" to check out the market ... its so depressing. What happened to love?

[DadOnIce]

Never done online dating (happily married to DW since the dial-up age), but from experiences of friends who have done it, I think men are far less picky than women. The guys I know who are doing it basically just want to meet someone nice. And yet every time there is a dating thread on here, the same shopping-list of women's criteria comes up: oh, no, he can't be "bald", he can't be "tubby", he can't be "short", he can't be "poor". FFS.

What is the obsession with height? I mean, I'm 5'11", which I'm pretty happy with, and yet if I were an online dater I'd be dismissed by a lot of these women. It's like men saying they will only date women who are blonde and with a 36DD bust.

But as for the age thing, yes, OK - I think you're right that, in general, a lot of men will be looking for women who are younger. But that's quite normal really - I get the impression from reading posts on here that a lot of women have DHs 5-10 years older. I imagine there are a number of factors driving this: maybe they're looking to start a second family, maybe they just consider themselves to look and act a bit younger than they are...

[Spickle]

DadOnIce I do agree that some of the profiles do mention such preferences and, while that may be the ideal, if it is not stated as an essential then there is room for negotiation! My DP is 5'9", bald and a little bit tubby, none of this had I mentioned in my profile of preferences, though I did put something along the lines of "prefer my date to have all his own teeth" (he does!). His financial situation was of no interest whatsoever, though I may have not have been interested if it became obvious that he didn't have an income/was not working and had no intention of doing so.

I also think everyone should be clearer about whether or not they want children though. I have children and didn't want any more (and said so on my profile) but sometimes it is not clear cut and/or ambiguous.

A poster upthread mentioned that she lied on her profile about her age. I am glad it has worked out for her, however my DP would not have liked that. His opinion would have been, if one lie is told, how many other lies are told? I agree with him. If everyone took 4 years off their age, or tweaked a few truths, what is the point of a profile at all?

[Fasttouch]

There is a thread on here asking what is the age difference between you and your partner. For the majority their male partners are older with a good number of them having 10+ years age difference. So why do men want to date younger women, well it would seem because younger women also want to date them. Not great for women their own age but they are not dating for other people's happiness.

[educationforlife]

they are not dating for other people's happiness ????
Fast you will have to explain that ????
So, the consensus seems to be that men want much younger women and mark this as 'essential' on OL dating profiles because they think they can get them.
This is normal
Any woman who challenges this should just get over herself.
Before I go back to my old people's home and the bingo can I just point out that we are no longer in our 20s - we are supposed to be grown-ups, so 3 - 5 - year age gap 'usual' when we were younger - to give boys men time to grow up should, theoretically, no longer be relevant?
Now where was me knitting?

[educationforlife]

Couldn't find me knitting (sign of my great age) so I came back.
Had another flick through GSM to confirm my suspicion that this age thing only kicks in with old men (I use that term quite deliberately ;) )
i.e. the older the man the greater the age gap.
How is that 'normal'?
Don't mind me - I, as the OP points out, have been written off!

[Jan45]

What gets me is the men in their 50 and 60s are ugly old farts whereas women of that age are more elegant and better presented so they've got a bloody cheek!

[lainiekazan]

Dh's friend is 49. Never been married. He has not had great success with women but is still hopeful of having a family. Therefore he is adamant that "potentials" have to be mid 30s at most. Fair enough. He said he would prefer in terms of compatability a girlfriend of the same age but he wants his own dcs.

Dh has another couple of single friends who are divorced and are not looking to have children. They are both currently dating women in late 40s.

So from this small sample I guess the trick is to find men who are not broody.

[Spickle]

Well said Jan45!

[educationforlife]

Jan I don't think that the men are all ugly farts - some are most presentable which is why it upsets me that they are dickheads looking for young arm candy.
It is more that there are some who do not seem to have any self awareness at all, so post pictures that would not look out of place in a horror film (do these men have no friends or family?)
I think what strikes me is the arrogance (or downright weirdness) of anyone who would post these pictures.
lain looking at the profiles, yes, men without children seem to suddenly wake up at 50 and decide they need a young woman to produce their very own little mes for them, but the majority of men in their 50s looking for women at least 10 years younger have children

[Spickle]

lainiekazan you could be right. My DP is also 49, never been married and has no children. He would have liked children and would have been a great dad, but he was philosophical about it and not broody. I am 4 years older, don't want any more children, so he has been engulfed into the role of step-parent and hopefully step-grandparent one day. My children love him to bits and treat him like their dad.

[Jan45]

I was being a bit OTT granted, although I was out with a single friend on Sat night and I can honestly say the men in my age bracket, late forties to 60 odd were honestly shabby, over weight and just generally not nicely presented, the women I saw on the other hand were smart, elegant and well presented, they hadn't given up on looking good.

[educationforlife]

Actually, I think that, for many of these men, saying they want children is just another way of thinking that they are thirty - not 55 - and they are saying it to attract women in their 30s more than a serious desire to have children (very much doubt they have ever looked into adoption or fostering, for example).
On a change of note, anyone else as delighted as me that Johnny Depp's new film has been panned?
Warning taking up with a twentysix-year-old just because you are 50 is not going to do much for your acting career.
He was a hero of mine before he lost his marbles :(

[educationforlife]

Indeed, Let's hear it for the older woman, Jan :)

[Fasttouch]

educationforlife

What I mean by that comment is that they are looking for someone who they would like to be with and ultimately that person will want to be with them. In the early stages of dating you are looking for someone suitable for your needs, you prioritise yourself first rather than a random person.

Obviously people should know their who they can realistically date.

[BitOutOfPractice]

My DP changed his age down 2 years on his profile because he realised he was 1 year over most women's cut off age

To be fair he told me on first date and I understood why he'd done it

[educationforlife]

Bit
Are you saying that most women your P's age were looking for younger men?
How old were thesemost women compared to yourP?

[NotNewButNameChanged]

When I was 26, I met - through my hobby - a woman who was 11 years older than me. She probably looked about 5 years older than me. We ended up together for 10 years (although should have split around 3 years earlier).

No one was surprised. Everyone thought I'd probably get together with an older woman because I was always regarded as "more mature than his years".

However, when I did online dating (hideous) I only looked for women who were my age or up to six years younger. The age gap did become a problem in that particular relationship and I decided it was not something I wished to repeat. And I found that the people I most got on with now, and the people I socialised with in my various hobbies, were within that 'upto 6 years younger' bracket.

Nothing to do with kids, I don't want any. Was purely a case of my experiences and life situation.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He was 50 at the time. He found that most women has age were saying 40-49

Sorry "most women" was sloppy. I meant "some women"

In the same way that only "some men" are looking for younger women, not the "men" in the title

[Twinklestein]

It makes sense for men aged 35-40 to look for women who are not going to have fertility problems as they are highly expensive and can ruin some marriages. However, you have remember that who men aspire to date and who they can actually pull are two different things.

Equally, as I said on here recently, a 43 year old male friend of mine joined mysinglefriend.com and I advised him to go for younger women as he really wants kids. However, pretty much all the women on there in their early 30s stated they were only looking for men up to 35. He's a very good-looking guy, wealthy, clever, interesting... but he was too old.

[Darkesteyes]

Dadonice if men are far less picky than women how do you explain the amount of men who put on their profiles "must be slim" or "NOTHING over a size 12"

Ive never online dated and never will. But ive been an MNer for 3 years and seen many threads about online dating and this always comes up.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Twinklestain I thnk many men who only want a woman 15 years younger than them are not thinking about fertility issues but more about pneumatic breasts and pert arses!

But you are right - many of the 50 year old men who are on OLD sites asking for women 25-35 are repulsive amd out of shape a little delusional

[Maisie0]

You have to remember though, who you expose yourself to sets the conditions and the ideas in your mind as well. Meeting someone for the first time may not really let you into the insight of the person, but you need to have a good idea of whether you can understand the other person and get along as well.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I've been on Tinder for a few weeks. I'm 36 and all I get is interest from amazingly sexy young men in their early 20s! It's a massive ego boost for me!

My conclusion is thus:
If you are a man in your 40s you want a woman in her 20s as an ego boost.
If you are a man in your 20s you want a woman in her 30s or even better 40s for an ego boost. Everyone wins!
Op has anyone thought that maybe women want younger men??
I was particularly flattered when one young Adonis said that older women were ' the finer things in life!' Bless.
As far as having babies are concerned, that is different.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Its not just od. Women on average marry men 2 years older than themselves. It has always been like this. I'm surprised that OP expects this social and societal norm to disappear when OD later in life?

Luckily there are so many people out there looking for love that there will still be plenty who like their own age group.

While we would like to think that people would make rational decisions on personalities and 'chemistry' there have been loads of studies that show people actually view finding a partner in quite a calculating, businesslike manner. (although this unconscious). So despite what people say, they tend to go for partners perceived to be young, beautiful, successful, rich etc..... whatever they believe and have been conditioned to think are the most desirable traits. (there was an excellent article on this in Freakonomics i think, but i can't find a link)

So for example a man who prizes tall women above all other things may say, i would absolutely not date any women under 5'10'' However if his only choice is from women under 5'2'' he will fairly quickly discard his earlier position but you can bet your bottom dollar that he will pick one of the tallest women from this group!

Men and the world generally place a value on youth and perhaps even more so in women, consequently by and large thats what men want.