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Original poster

How would you check out if your date was already attached?

57 replies

akaWisey · 01/05/2014 18:55

That's it really. How did/would you check it out? I'm not asking about what to do if they are, that's obvious. But in these days of OD disastrous times, I'm very, very cautious but I have a number of dates lined up (no stealth boast) and one of them is coming a fair way and staying over in a B&B so we can eat and have a drink. He sounds fun, very proactive etc. But I feel the need to check it out and I guess that must mean something.

So how would you/what would you advise I do? I'd rather find out beforehand so if necessary I can sack him off cancel the date. By the way his profile says never married and no children.

OP posts:
Pinkballoon · 01/05/2014 20:23

akawisey

I'm sure he's fine, but just be aware.

There's a thread on here where women are discussing how they knew that their partners were cheating - so, for example, repeat trips to the supermarket (to ring the other woman etc.) It might be a good idea to read it and just keep it in the back of your mind. In terms of the phone call, I'd say that perhaps you need to take the initiative on that one and just ring him in the evening, weekends etc., to gauge what his situation MIGHT be, but also may not be. Red flags if for example, he only makes contact during office hours, only rings you, you can't get hold of him by phone, and he engages in endless text conversations (as opposed to phone and face-to-face contact.)

And staying overnight doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't with someone. He could have just explained that one away as a work trip, engineered an argument and stormed out of the house etc. The list is endless, but its your gut instincts that will tell you.

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 20:23

a yeah ok? not good enough in my book.... just cancel. He should be making quite a lot of contact seeings he's prepared to go stay in a B&B just for you?

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 20:30

Yes, yes, as far as other signs are concerned I'm still aware and won't be off guard. I know staying overnight doesn't mean anything - it's what my ex used to do 'business trips' to be with OW.

Tinks that's what I thought but I'm not sure if that's just his way.He's a blokey bloke IWSWIM. When we spoke he was fine but I take your point.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 21:22

Ah a blokey bloke..... he's already got you checking up and calling him huh. He'll be bringing his washing with him next!

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 21:26

seriously though OP, its a date! stop overthinking. Like I said you may not even like each other on sight. Im getting the vibe that he's already made you feel insecure. Is it worth it?

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 21:40

Just had someone text me from yesterday.... supposed to be going to dinner on Saturday, great..... text after flipping text tonight and it's getting on my nerves. I said "why don't you just ring me then" he said "im so busy doing this and that but you can call me if you like" ummm no. I just text back, no credit then? hahaha.... If it doesn't sound right OP don't do it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 01/05/2014 21:48

If you met him on an onllne dating agency and he's using his phone to chat to you instead of a pc or laptop, he's attached.

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 21:57

No I don't feel insecure, I don't even know him - I just don't want to discover I've unwittingly spent time with an attached bloke!

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 21:59

Well other than ask him his address and home phone number then ring it im not sure what you can do.

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:00

It really is remembering how awful i felt to hear the voice of a woman (whose husband I spent just one hour with and didn't want to see again) telling me how she'd accidentally discovered his affairs.

I was able to move on without a backward thought about him - but I still wonder about her and how she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:01

Tink I'm not going to do any more but go with my gut on the day. If it doesn't feel right for any reason it'll be end of.

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 01/05/2014 22:03

I would ask them directly.
Hopefully, he can disclose a little bit of his past and is not too shy about it, and it also shows self awareness as well, but do not dwell.

Well, of course, not in the beginning, but maybe say in the 3rd or 4th date or other, or if you are serious about this person.

Maisie0 · 01/05/2014 22:07

I was going to say, there are some serious bad daters out there ! I had to step back and think why you had to ask until I read that you got burnt before, and to be honest ladies, should we need to do this kind of "check out" stage ? This is crazy....

I like how another friend did this, which is to communicate and talk first, even before meeting up. I do not do asap first meet up dates. I am so worried... I always talk first, and then see where it goes.

Dirtybadger · 01/05/2014 22:15

notsuch lots of people would use their phone. More convenient and can do it on the go. I rarely go on my PC for anything other than "proper" work now!

Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 22:15

Exactly Maisie, speak on the phone a few times, get a gyst of things etc. then go on a date.

Im laughing here at the one that wanted to take me for dinner on Saturday, he text such a load of nonsense once called on even a phone call rather than squillions of texts saying "but I said we'd speak tomorrow" hahaha... ummm no we won't, twat! I just text no thank you and take care.

Ohhh silence, what bliss!

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:20

I know it's crazy Maisie Grin

I've learned (from here and now through experience) that it's all bullshit until it happens and when it does it's how it goes on the day. No-one else I know in RL is dating and hasn't for such a long time they haven't even tried OD!

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:23

I don't have the phone app thingy's it would be too distracting so I use my lappy.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 01/05/2014 22:27

OP, if you don't strike up some sort of like thing and doubt anything then just don't go. Ive only ever dated a guy that I sort of clicked with on the phone and had a great laugh etc. Someone that said umm ok to me speaking to him would be a no go.

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:27

Oh, he's just message me on the site. I shall report back if there's anything interesting to say Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:29

TInks we DID hit it off on the phone the first time and since, it was nice, he's direct in his communication style that's why I agreed to meet!

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 01/05/2014 22:34

Wisey Do not learn from other people's mistakes or their bad experiences, but learn for yourself, and do it your way, your style, and if the guy doesn't even past the "me test", then boot ! Simple. If you cannot gauge his persona and so forth, why would you want to pursue than past "Go" ?

The ones that deliberately lie to you are a bit sociopathic I think, and why should you need to deal with this any way ? It is one of those, one person experience a bad karma or experience, then they will pass it onto another person, and then onto another person na da da da... Sometimes I thank God I met my ex. He seems normal !

Check and see if he can handle a normal conversation.

Simplesusan · 01/05/2014 22:37

I would ask him outright if he is single.

If he says he is then go with that and see how you get on.

Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:40

Thank you, good advice that Maisie, I'm not green, I know how it works, lived with a liar for many years so I should know the tricks by now Grin

My aim is to spend a nice couple of hours in some pleasant company. That's what I'm aiming for with the other dates I have planned. Nothing beyond that unless it feels right. S'all anyone can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 01/05/2014 22:41

Susan yep. Thank you.

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 01/05/2014 22:48

Don't make it an "aim" as such but make it a "Wisey test". Smile
Does this man pass your test ? No ? Gone.

Let your guard down and be your lovely self, and enjoy it. If you did not enjoy it, and it brings back up bad memories of the past as well, then it probably would not be "it" as such. Guys who drive you crazy is not right for you. They should make you feel like a Goddess. Goddess...ah.. lovely. :)

I once had a guy lied to me about his age and I still accepted him. Stupid me. Should've dumped him asap.