Help me to keeping my sanity - feel I am cracking up!

[Bumblelion]

I feel I really need help at the moment, but have no-one and no-where to turn to.

Brief history:-

Been married 10 years, had two children, I had an affair (big mistake), husband found out, decided to make a go of things, had third baby (which I always wanted), husband now tells me he cannot forgive me and it is all over.

Brief recent history:-

Baby born October, husband tells me New Years Eve he cannot forgive me and is leaving me. One week later, he changes his mind and says we will try and make a go of things. The day after my son's 5th birthday (night before Valentines Day) he then tells me we are finished, over, going our separate ways, etc.

To be honest, I did feel quite relieved to start with - at least I now knew where I stood but it seems that as the days pass (it has been about 4 weeks now) I am getting more and more low and finding it harder to deal with.

The things he says to me break my heart. I do still love him and the affair was just one BIG mistake of my life and I am now paying for it in that I am losing all that I ever wanted.

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage, children, nice home, nice life. etc. I have three lovely children, nice home, but no marriage and not a very nice life.

He told me that it was me that wanted to move to a bigger house, it was me that wanted a third baby (although he says he wouldn't be without the baby) and I told him that I hadn't realised I had to make a choice, i.e. old house, two children, husband - or bigger house, three children, no husband.

He hasn't moved out (and won't move out) but at the moment that isn't a problem for me. He has moved into the loft and I am still in our bed.

Saturday night he went out with a girl from work (who he knows I have a bit of a "jealousy problem" with) and since then I have been feeling very very "low".

I try to carry on as normal for the childrens' sake but am finding myself crying whenever they are in bed at night (or when the elder two are at school/nursery and the baby is asleep during the day).

I work part-time and am finding it a bit of a relief to come into work and be "normal" doing my normal work activities.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on. I can't eat (yesterday all day, all I had was 2 slices of pork - no breakfast, no lunch and just the pork for dinner - no veg.). I am sleeping (I think I am so emotionally drained that when I get into bed I immediately fall asleep).

I know we could not have gone on the way we were - he was very, very horrible to me (understandably considering what I have done to him over the affair) but I don't want us to be apart. I think I am hoping that we will eventually end up back together again although I think, deep down, I know I am kidding myself.

I feel if anyone comes up to me and asks how I am I am just going to start crying and it is all going to come out - which won't be very good in a responsible office situation.

I would say that, most of the time, since he has decided we are finished, he has been nicer to me but that doesn't help my feelings. We talk - not just about mundane "what did you do at work today?" type things, but real indeep conversations.

I don't want to ask for anti-depressants as I feel I am not actually depressed, just feeling a bit shitty at the moment and not very good about myself. I know I am not a bad person - I just did one mistake - but that is how I feel at the moment.

I know I have got to keep it together for the children's sake but I feel I am getting "f*cked up" in the head. On one hand, I want him to leave the house so I can try and get on with my life but, on the other hand, I don't want to lose him - although I know that already I have lost him.

P.S. I am normally very close to my mum but she is under a psychiatrist at the moment as she is very, very depressed and I don't want to end up the same way as her.

Bumblelion, have you posted this before under a different name?

First of all you need to make the decision is he worth fighting for or do you want to split up?

Get some legal advice as to where you stand with him still being in the house. What if suddenly brings this girl back to the house one evening?

Why is he being so brutal and telling you he is seeing someone? Does he know how unhappy you are? R

Firstly, yes I used to post under another name (my real name and initials) but I felt it pinpointed myself too easily.

One day, I feel I do want to fight for him but other times I feel like showing him I am not going to wait at home while he goes out gallivanting and me sitting at home being this subserviant woman waiting for him to come home.

I actually asked him about what would happen if he met someone (if he hasn't already) and they ask to come back to his house - obviously it wouldn't look very good if he says that he couldn't (or I hope he wouldn't) because his "estranged" wife was at home. He said he would never bring any one back as he feels it is the children's home and he wouldn't do anything to disrupt their home life (very considerate, isn't he).

I think he does know how unhappy I am - he would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to realise. I think he is saying these things about Tracey (whether they are together at the moment or not, or whether it is imminent) because he wants me to hurt like, he says, I have hurt him in the past.

I cannot afford the mortgage on my house on my own and I suppose I don't really want the stigma of my children feeling like they come from a "broken home".

He told me last night (when he was being nice for once) that he thinks everyone will think he is mad for splitting with me because I am a nice person (although he fairly often tells me otherwise) and am a good mother and my children, quite rightly, love me to bits. I (crying) said how good a mother would they think I am and how much would they love me if/when they find out that the reason mummy and daddy are no longer together is because of what mummy did. That doesn't make me a very good person. does it.

On one hand I feel like being reasonable but I also know I could be quite horrible (to him) if I put my mind to it (and I don't like feeling like that but it is only because I am so upset). I feel I could take him to the cleaners re. him paying for the children, etc.

I am not sure if I actually want him or not, but I suppose I don't want anyone else to have him (very unfair of me I know).

I suppose, when I think of the future, I do envisage us together having a nice life. I know that if that did happen (although, according to him, it is not going to happen) we should have a proper/real separation and then, if we both decided we actually wanted to be together, we should start afresh - dating, wining/dining each other, etc. etc.

I suppose I want us to be how we were for the first 14 years we were together, before I messed things up for us but I know that cannot be.

Bumblelion, sympathies, what an upsetting situation.

Have you tried counselling? Relate is there for situations just as yours and you both might find it really helpful - if nothing else, it can help pinpoint how you both truly feel about each other.

Enid, to be totally honest with you, I feel like I might try and go to Relate, even if it is on my own. I don't honestly think anyone can help our marriage, but may be they would be able to help me deal with this emotionally. I feel I am full of such emotions at the moment - anger (at my husband for - in my mind - failing to forgive me), jealousy (at the thought of my husband with someone else although he is dealing with the fact that I have been with someone else while I am only dealing with the thought), upset (at myself at the thought I have wrecked my marriage for a stupid fling which wasn't even worth it), heartbroken (at the thought I have lost the one true person I loved - although I didn't realise it until too late).

I might see if I can try and get an appointment although perhaps I need to see a "counsellor" rather than a person from Relate.

Is there no way you could persuade your husband to go with you? He obviously still carries a lot of resentment and anger about the past and it might help him to talk about it.

You could always make the appointment yourself - I think they take a few weeks to come through so during that time perhaps you could persuade him to go with you.

Relate counsellors are trained counsellors and it can really help to talk to an independent third party.

I really don't think he would come - perhaps he thinks it would show him in a bad light that I felt I had to go off and have an affair.

He says that he is not willing to be on the shelf for the rest of his life and, if I am totally honest, I wouldn't want him to be but he does say that who knows whether he could actually trust anyone again after what I have done to him.

I don't say this lightly and I know what I did was wrong and the worst thing I could do to him, but I think his "problem" is that he thinks I am the first and only person to have had an affair. I am not making excuses for myself but these things happen, and far more frequently than I think he knows, but I thinks he is the only person to have been cheated on by their partner.

Because I am feeling pretty messed up (in my head), I don't want him feeling messed up either, although, I think from his behaviour towards me, he must be.

One day he is really nice to me - considerate, talkative, interested in me, etc. etc. and the next day he is full of so much anger he is downright horrible to mean.

Some of the things he has come out with in the past are imprinted on my mind:-

He doesn't believe our middle child is his and told me that! I know, for a fact, that all my children are his children and I am willing to have DNA tests to prove this. He said it would never change the way he feels towards his son but how can he even think such a terrible thing.

He calls me a slag and asks what it is like for me to be known as the "slapper of *" (where I work). I am not a slag or slapper etc, I have only ever had one affair (one affair too many in my eyes) and it was not common knowledge where I work.

It isn't very nice for me to think that my husband thinks he is married to a slag.

Bumblelion, I am so sorry the situation is getting worse and now making you so unhappy.

You have been so brave and carried on sounding so strong for so long.

But its not fair that you are cracking at the seams and becoming SO unhappy. It sounds to me that your husband is still so angry with you and just keeps wanting to hurt and punish you.

Before you move on, whether together or apart, you need to resolve this one issue (the affair) that is where I agree that Relate are the only people who could help, you are in a safe controlled environment, where you can both speak your mind, deal with it and go forward.

If you look at the situation now, you cannot go forward, he is in the house, giving you what is emotional abuse daily, you will become a wreck Bumblelion at this rate. You've got to get strong and tough, before you get so drained and depressed it becomes too much of a battle.

We all want the perfect life, nice husband, nice house, happy children, and in the real world it isnt easy to keep it all happy and maintain that, things come along that rock the boat.

You still love him, you would love to have him back. Unless you feel that deep down he feels and can say the same, I think that you need to start afresh and apart.

Of course it suits him living up in the loft, and you want to protect the children, but its not working. You are the lovely mummy of the house, who looks after your children 24/7, you have (an angelic) new baby! and you have to feel your best to do this every day. Dont let him drain the life out of you.

I dont know if this helps, its just an outsiders view of what little I understand from the situation. But I read your post earlier and just wanted to say take care......

I think the suggestion of relate - or some form of counselling - is a good one. As someone has said, you don't have to go together. If he won't go, you would still get benefit by trying to resolve some of your own feelings of guilt and so help you move on.

You can also ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor. To get one on the NHS might take a wee while - but if you can afford it, he/she might also be able to give you a private one.

If your dh realises you are going to see a counsellor with or without him - for the sake of your sanity - he may (just may) be prepared to consider seeing one with you.

It sounds like he too has a number of issues that he needs to resolve - anger towards to you for having the affair and perhaps regret too for what has been lost (which might account for some of the resentment) - which a counsellor would help him to resolve. However, only he can make that decision - he has to want to go.

It might help if you remind him that Relate/counsellors are not there just to save marriages - they are non-judgemental. Often, what they do is help a couple move on - which might indeed involve a separation/divorce, but they can help the two of you, either together or seaprately, resolve issues so that you can BOTH get on with the rest of your lives.

Bumblelion, I haven't really got any words of wisdom for you regarding your problems with your dh, no-one is perfect and I think you have more than paid for your mistake.

I just wanted you to know that I think that you sound like a fantastic lady. You have three children, you work part-time, your mum is not that well and you are being given a really hard time by your dh, yet despite this you still log onto to Mumsnet and offer genuine, practical and caring advice to other mums (including me).

Sorry if this isn't very helpful in terms of advice, I just wanted to try to cheer you up a bit

Thanks for all your kind words of wisdom. I texted my H just before lunch and said I had been invited out for a leaving drink tonight (I think I was hoping he would say he didn't want me to go). My H texted me at lunch time and said that quote "OK. But you got to start accepting that we are no longer a couple." I think this is the hardest thing I have to accept.

I think I/we should attend Relate - as you say, if only to be able to move onwards and upwards and, with luck, we will both come out of it positive and well-minded people, whether we are together or not (although, deep down, I know I have got to accept we won't be together - it just hurts so much).

gosh...thinking of you. It really physically hurt to read what you posted. I hope that things get better soon, post anytime I'm sure one of us will be here to help if we can.

Bumblelion - the way he is treating you is totally not on! You must sit him down and start talking. From what you are saying, you are not sure if the marriage is over or not. You must ask him if he is willing to give it one last shot, if he says 'no way' then I'm afraid you must accept this. A marriage cannot work with only one person. Tell him how hard it is to be faced with a broken marriage, and yet living in the same house as your new-ex. It must be just as uncomfortable for him as it is for you, perhaps that's why he is being nasty to you, he feels uncomfortable and ill-at-ease. Suggest that he rents a flat or stays at a friends until you have the house and finances sorted.

You must seek the help of a solicitor who will sort all this out for you. Perhaps once you get the wheel rolling, he will have to face up to his decision to end the marriage, and maybe, only maybe, he will change his mind. This tension between you will be affecting the children too, so it's vital that you sort out the living arrangements soon.

Once you have made a decision I am sure you will feel relieved as you can then start to accept it and get on with your life. It won't be easy, have a look at www.soyouvebeendumped.com for practical and legal advice and to chat to others in the same situation.

It's a shame that it has ended like this over one mistake that you say you really regret. Unfortunately for some people, they can never get over this betrayal no matter how hard they have tried, and to give him his due he has tried. Perhaps space apart will help, you say he has been nicer since he moved into the loft, he might be nicer still once he moves out of the house. Don't worry about this Tracey, he's probably using her to make you feel jealous and to boost his own self-esteem, I doubt he'll hang on to her, he's clearly on the re-bound.

Start your life again Bumblelion, do have a look at that site, it is very inspiring. Some people moved to places, or did something they always wanted to do, but didn't because of their partners. Please let us know how you get on, we're all thinking of you.

Bumblelion - your h can't have his cake and eat it. While you are still living together (ie in the same house) and (presumably) sharing with the child care, you SHOULD be letting him know you are going out - if only to ensure that he is going to be around to look after the kids, otherwise you would need to find a babysitter.

I know you have said before that it is not feasible for him to move out. It might be time for you to take a hard line: he can't just treat the place like a hotel. If he can't/won't move out, then you need to draw up a "contract" for how you will live together. You are still cooking for him - should you? How are you sharing the looking after the kids?

As Rhubarb said, you really should speak to a solicitor. A letter from a solicitor seeking a formal separation (a pre-requisite in the divorce process anyway) might serve to clarify things for him!

And seeking advice from a solicitor does NOT mean that it's too late to talk to a counsellor. You should be doing both!

Thank you Janz and Rhubarb.
I know there are a few things I have got to do:-

(1) Firstly and most importantly, realise and accept the fact that my marriage is over. I am 34 and could live for another 50 years (with luck!) - what is the point of staying with someone just because I don't want to be on my own and who doesn't want to be with me. I am young enough and nice enough still to have a nice life, although I messed up first time round.

(2) See a solicitor to see where I stand regarding the house, children, etc. I cannot afford the mortgage on my own but think I am not entitled to any help as I work part-time and get paid well for the hours I do (not that many hours though!). I suppose an option would be to sell up and me and H buy somewhere on our own - but it is the children's house and I think they would be disrupted enough by having their dad leave without having to settle into a new house too.

(3) Try and get an appointment with Relate - even it is only for me so I can accept what I have done and move on. With luck, I can get my H to come with me so he can also move on and not take all this "bad" baggage with him into his next relationship.

Writing it all down is fine - actually doing it is something different.

Oh God, my heart really goes out to you. I want your marriage to work.

I am trying to think of someway which lets your husband know that if he continues as he is doing then you mean business without ending up throwing an ultimatum at him (which he will prob walk out on as it was you that issued it).

I think a bloke's eyeview would be useful but inviting a bloke around to chat about it over a bottle of wine won't really help matters.

You marriage could well have hit a crunch at this stage even if you had not had an affair. Yes, I'm taking the woman's side but you prob ended up having an affair for some reason related to the state of your marriage. As you now realise that you done wrong, maybe you try to be as accomodating as possible when it comes to confrontation. Maybe as a bloke he not quite realise what life would be like without his family around (he's getting to pick out the best bits at the moment).

Would it be worth getting a bit factually brutal? After you see your solicitor could you suss out what your house is worth and start leaving details around for the places that are worth half. He needs to work out for himself how the mortgage for your current house would be managed and how that work out for both of you. He might be appaulled (along with you) about where his children would end up living and schools available it might jolt his senses in a different way than anything else might. Also, you can work out how you might cope.

What are the practical details involved in getting a DNA test done. Do you need his consent or just his hair brush (if he has any hair) if not his razor?

Perhaps someone else has some better advice. I was just trying to think how a bloke would handle the reverse situation.

I've been thinking about this all day Bumblelion - that's how much your post affected me! Have either of you actually sat down and told each other how having this affair has made you feel? How about giving him 5 minutes (without interruption) for him to tell you exactly how he felt when he found out about your affair. Then you get five minutes to tell him how you now feel about that affair and the consequences of it. Then ask him to talk about where you both go from here. Get him to talk about where he would like to be in a year's time. Then it's your turn to tell him how much this present situation is affecting you and what you would like to do from here. Armed with this information, perhaps you can then come to a compromise about what you do.

First and foremost should be your kids, but I guess you know that already. I think one of the compromises should be that neither of you starts dating again until the kids have adjusted to the fact that you are no longer together - it's simply not fair on them. Perhaps you could keep the house if your dh is willing to support you (as he jolly well should do!). Again tell him that moving right now, would further disrupt the kids, perhaps set a date for a re-think on the housing issue for a year? So you get to stay there for a year and then agree to sell.

Please don't stop talking, it will make things easier all round. You ARE a nice person, you made one mistake and personally I don't think you should be punished this severely for it, but there you go. I guess he can't help the way he feels. However you do deserve more, so see this as a new start and take positive steps to gain control of your life again. The steps you listed in your last post are great, stick with those and just take one day at a time for now. Please do keep us posted. x

Sorry Malmomum, but why would she want to do a DNA test? As for a bloke's point of view, I did ask my dh how he would react and he said he would do exactly the same, so I know where I would stand in that situation!

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Rhubarb, just thought getting the DNA question answered might get one of those mud slinging things out the way rather than have it lurking around. Was not trying to imply the test was needed, sorry if it came out like that.

Regarding the DNA question - I have told him that I would be very happy for my kids to have a DNA test as I know, FOR A FACT, that all three children are his.

I did actually get the house valued in January (just after he told me that we were finished on New Years Eve) and I think he was pretty shocked that I had acted so soon. Although, I think the only reason I did this was to try and "give him a kick up the backside" - not that it worked.

I actually went out last night for a leaving drink and had a good talk (with one close, confidential, trustworthy friend - not that many of them about!) about my situation. When I got indoors, he came downstairs to my bedroom (he is sleeping in the loft) and we just started talking. As I say, sometimes he is nicer to me now than he has been for the last 3 years.

I asked him where he saw himself in one year, 10 years, 20 years and he said that he hadn't thought about it. I told him that I had envisaged being with him and growing old with him (and I still do but am now coming to terms with the opposite). I asked him about the practical things like our house, etc. I told him I cannot afford the mortgage on my own and he said that, if and when it came to it, he would move out and if I decided to sell and buy somewhere else he would let me have the equity in the house (about £100K). I told him that I couldn't do this, after all he had contributed to the mortgage for the last 11 years and it wouldn't be fair on him for me to think he should walk away with nothing. He said that he wouldn't take any of the equity as it was also for the children.

I mentioned about going to Relate and I told him that I know he is still very angry, hurt, betrayed, bitter, etc. about what I have done to him and I feel we should go to Relate - not to necessarily make a go of the marriage but to get our heads round the situation and come out of it the other side. He said he feels they wouldn't be able to help but I told him that I feel they could help me a lot as I also have lots of emotions to deal with at the moment.

I told him that I do know our marriage is over but that doesn't mean I can accept it very easily. He said he feels I will not be able to let him go emotionally so he won't be able to move on and I said that I didn't know if I could in the future or not - I can only go by what I feel at the moment and that is that I DO LOVE HIM.

I said I know that we couldn't have gone on the way we were but I like to dream that we could, one day, start over - whether this be in 1 year, 5 years, whenever.

Because he was being so nice to me last night, I told him that I would like to go out with him one night for a meal and a chat (not a "date" but just as friends). Perhaps this is the wrong thing to do but I do like his company.

I told him that I am finding the thought of us splitting up quite hard because I do still love him, fancy him, desire him, etc. I said that it is hard for me because he is in the house but I feel he is off limits. He said I can always ask him for a hug but I told him that the last person I would ask for a hug from would be him, even though I would love him to give me a hug.

He is actually away overnight tonight on business and won't be back until tomorrow night. I find that I quite like just sitting indoors with a glass of vodka and tonic thinking about my situation and trying to deal with it. When he told me he was going to be away overnight (he does this about 2/3 times a year) he said he could see the look on my face.

I just told him I feel very insecure (of course I feel bloody insecure, the one person I want doesn't want me) but I will be okay.

I know me, my children and also him will ultimately get through this but I think it is just going to take time for us to accept whatever is the outcome.

I'm so glad to managed to speak to him Bumblelion, it must be a relief to get your feelings out into the open. Like you say, your marriage isn't written off just yet. Have some time out, don't date as it really wouldn't be fair on the kids, they know more than they let on sometimes. But have your own space and then come back together say in 6 months time to re-assess the situation.

I think going out for a meal is a lovely idea! Often Relate will suggest dating again, so you can fall in love all over again. I know you don't need to do that, but he does. To be honest, I know that if there was the slightest hope of saving the marriage I would go for it. Remind him of his vows - for better or for worse? You can wear your sexiest dress and wow him! But if he makes advances, don't let him, he has hurt you and you don't want to get into the situation of him having you when he wants, and not at other times. Make him desire you all over again. Don't play the heart-broken wife too well, let him see that you can cope fine just by yourself, that's a turn on for many blokes.

However, if he is still saying that he wants to split, there's not much else you can do. Relate can help with that too. I think you are making really positive decisions. I wish you all the very best!

Bumblelion, I am afraid I've nothing to add to everyone elses comments but I just wanted to say that I think you are amazingly brave. Hold on in there... it is hard & I know your circumstances are extremely difficult but you will get through this, whatever the outcome. You deserve some happiness, I really hope things work out for you in the way that you would like.

Last week he actually complimented me on my appearance for the first time in about, God! I don't know how many years.

I told him that not only do I still love him but I also fancy him and desire him (perhaps wrong of me to say this, but unfortunately, true). He says that he does still love me and cares for me but doesn't feel he can forgive me or trust me again. Love is not enough - you have to have trust in a relationship or there is no point in being in that relationship.

I think if we can be friends through this, it will be best for the kids (and I know from the - long distance - past he can be a good friend.

I think it will do us both good to have a nice meal out and have a chat.

I must admit I feel a lot more positive than I did Monday and Tuesday. I think a bombshell hits you for six but then, with time, you learn to accept it (although I am having difficulty accepting my marriage is over).

I suppose I am just on an emotional roller coaster at the moment, but want to try and keep my "sane head" on for the sake of my kids. They don't need me going off the rails. I have got to be, and will be, there for my children giving them the stability and security all children deserve.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. That is not to say I won't be posting on her under a new message when my next crisis hits!

Thanks again.

Good luck Bumblelion! Your H doesn't know what he's got, obviously!