Help me to keeping my sanity - feel I am cracking up!

[Bumblelion]

I feel I really need help at the moment, but have no-one and no-where to turn to.

Brief history:-

Been married 10 years, had two children, I had an affair (big mistake), husband found out, decided to make a go of things, had third baby (which I always wanted), husband now tells me he cannot forgive me and it is all over.

Brief recent history:-

Baby born October, husband tells me New Years Eve he cannot forgive me and is leaving me. One week later, he changes his mind and says we will try and make a go of things. The day after my son's 5th birthday (night before Valentines Day) he then tells me we are finished, over, going our separate ways, etc.

To be honest, I did feel quite relieved to start with - at least I now knew where I stood but it seems that as the days pass (it has been about 4 weeks now) I am getting more and more low and finding it harder to deal with.

The things he says to me break my heart. I do still love him and the affair was just one BIG mistake of my life and I am now paying for it in that I am losing all that I ever wanted.

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage, children, nice home, nice life. etc. I have three lovely children, nice home, but no marriage and not a very nice life.

He told me that it was me that wanted to move to a bigger house, it was me that wanted a third baby (although he says he wouldn't be without the baby) and I told him that I hadn't realised I had to make a choice, i.e. old house, two children, husband - or bigger house, three children, no husband.

He hasn't moved out (and won't move out) but at the moment that isn't a problem for me. He has moved into the loft and I am still in our bed.

Saturday night he went out with a girl from work (who he knows I have a bit of a "jealousy problem" with) and since then I have been feeling very very "low".

I try to carry on as normal for the childrens' sake but am finding myself crying whenever they are in bed at night (or when the elder two are at school/nursery and the baby is asleep during the day).

I work part-time and am finding it a bit of a relief to come into work and be "normal" doing my normal work activities.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on. I can't eat (yesterday all day, all I had was 2 slices of pork - no breakfast, no lunch and just the pork for dinner - no veg.). I am sleeping (I think I am so emotionally drained that when I get into bed I immediately fall asleep).

I know we could not have gone on the way we were - he was very, very horrible to me (understandably considering what I have done to him over the affair) but I don't want us to be apart. I think I am hoping that we will eventually end up back together again although I think, deep down, I know I am kidding myself.

I feel if anyone comes up to me and asks how I am I am just going to start crying and it is all going to come out - which won't be very good in a responsible office situation.

I would say that, most of the time, since he has decided we are finished, he has been nicer to me but that doesn't help my feelings. We talk - not just about mundane "what did you do at work today?" type things, but real indeep conversations.

I don't want to ask for anti-depressants as I feel I am not actually depressed, just feeling a bit shitty at the moment and not very good about myself. I know I am not a bad person - I just did one mistake - but that is how I feel at the moment.

I know I have got to keep it together for the children's sake but I feel I am getting "f*cked up" in the head. On one hand, I want him to leave the house so I can try and get on with my life but, on the other hand, I don't want to lose him - although I know that already I have lost him.

P.S. I am normally very close to my mum but she is under a psychiatrist at the moment as she is very, very depressed and I don't want to end up the same way as her.

Well heres one for you all, I asked my mum over a week ago to look after the children today and I'm still waiting on her answer.

Gave her her Mothers Day card and present, which met with no thank or anything, and hardly spoke 2 words to my husband when he was at the doc the other day (she works there) Now, this is really getting me down, and I mean down, as in spots with stress, a constant smoking of the B & H, really horrible to everyone else, including the children. I can't sleep either! Now my mother is not the most approachable of people and this will probably end up in a huge argument, as per usual, my SIL had the kids gladly today.

Please help, I really cannot cope with my mother being like this, she makes time for everyone else except her family, and the children have asked not to go to Granny's, oh hell what do I do.

Thanks Tigger.

Tigger2, have you ever asked her why she is so reluctant to have anything to do with the family? I'm sorry you're going through this, I know I would be devastated if it was my mother. Has she always been this way, and if not, did anything happen to cause it? I just can't figure out why she would be like this. My mother-in-law is not a child-loving person (that's the only way I can think to describe her) and practically never babysits any of her grandchildren - she doesn't even worry about whether she sees them or not. She hasn't seen my 20 month old son for nearly 4 months, and she only lives 10 minutes away from us. Her reasoning for the lack of interest in children is that she's already had her family and she doesn't wish to spend her 'old age' babysitting other peoples' kids. Maybe your mother is thinking along these lines..? I don't know. I know my husband and his brother get upset about her attitude sometimes but there is nothing they can do to change her. My parents on the other hand, see my son a couple of times a week and are always willing to babysit, so we are very lucky to have that support. You might have to risk having an argument with your mother just to find out what her problem is - otherwise it will just keep eating away at you. Good luck...

Tigger, what you wrote sounds so sad. That sort of thoughtless behaviour would get me down too. In fact, right now, I'm annoyed out of all proportion with a best friend who knew when my birthday was, thanks to a recent conversation, but then totally forgot about it. And that's just a little matter compared with what's happened to you. I feel really taken for granted. Do you?

You say your mother has time for everyone else but her family. So she isn't all self centered, and she understands the principal of give and take when applied to outsiders. It sounds like she's forgotten her children are real people, deserving of the same respect.

While I would like to say, simply sit her down and talk to her about this, I am wondering if an undaughterly amount of firmness on your part might give her pause for thought, before you have that talk. So if you are trying to arrange a visit, tell her you're busy and need to know the answer in 2 days, because you have plans to make. The next time there is a family occasion that she always attends, over Easter for instance, don't let her take any joint plan or invitation for granted. In other words, cut her no flack, just because she's your mother. Make it known to her in the nicest possible way that you expect the same level of commitmnet that she gives to her friends.

Don't know if this helps, but hope you feel better soon, trigger.

Tigger, apologies for wrong spelling of your name at the end of my previous message. I just wanted to add something that came to mind later.

When your mother was younger, was her own mother very helpful? Did your mother rely on her? As a child, did you love seeing your granny? If so, could you use this to remind your mother how much a hands on granny is appreciated by everyone.

Alternatively, if your mother's mother was not there for her much, could you say how hard it must have been to have no back up, and you so value any help she gives you with your family.

Alternatively, is there someone your mother really looks up to, a friend, who is an exceptionally dedicated and eager grandmother? If so, how about bringing this woman into conversation. Start by saying isn't marvelous, she knows just how to handle her grandchildren, you bumped into them recently and they looked such a happy bunch. The mother simply sings her praises, and you hear she's been invited to join the board of govenors at the local school...etc etc. But be more subtle than this!!! The aim of this being to make your mother mother believe her grandmotherly skills will be warmly noted by outsiders as well as her immediate family. And by implication, a lack of commitment to you will not pass unnoticed amongst her friends.

Hope this helps, tigger, and hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Hi tigger - have you read the postings in 'Am I the only one with a miserable mother?'. I posted a lot in there as my mother is exactly the same! She hasn't seen my dd in months now, she'll get to see her over Easter as we will probably end up taking her, but she never makes the effort to come and see us. She's not just like that with me though, each of my sister's have had major family crises over the past year, and my mother has not been there for any of them. She will only look after the children with much reluctance, she never offers! She doesn't seem to take any delight in her grandchildren at all, not a trip to MacDonalds, or just a wheel around the park, nothing. Yet all her friends and acquaintances think she is great as she fosters children (seems ironic really!) and she is always blabbing on about how much she does for us even though she is ill (depression) and how we expect too much from her.

I got some good advice from a friend recently and it was this; don't expect anything from her, if I keep expecting her to take an interest or make some effort, then I will constantly be disappointed and upset. However if I accept that she will never change, I can get on with my life and nothing she does, or doesn't do, will affect me. I think this is the best bit of advice I have had. I keep my distance from my mother now, I don't tell her what is going on in my life, if I speak to her on the phone I will be pleasant and I will listen to her moans and complaints, but I don't let it affect my happiness at all. I feel sorry for her now, she has lost the respect of all 3 of her daughters, she's damn lucky she hasn't lost us forever.

Be thankful that you have your in-laws to fall back on, my poor sister doesn't even have that! I hope you can move on with your life and not let your mother make you so unhappy. I hope that some of what I've said helps. Good luck.

Rhubarb is spot on IMO about the expectations... it is easier said than done but SO true !

Thank you all for the messages, you are all a lot more polite than DH! My mother didn't have a very close relationship with her mother, and I didn't see my granny very often as she lived over 120 miles away, saw my other granny every day. The children only have my mother as a granny left, and I have a good circle of friends who know what she can be like and are really good on the odd times I need someone to look after the kids. Time I think to stop stressing and will take to "heid" what Rhubarb has said.

TTFN, off to see the ewes again as they are popping lambs out all over the place, and the calving is not going well at all, and on top of it all DH is as crabbit as a bear!

Tigger2
I have a MIL just like that, who seems to be able to press all the "wrong buttons" in me. Scant interest in her (only) family. We collected her from Heathrow yesterday, as she'd spent the last 2 months in Carribean. When asked how it was, I got all the bits that were wrong with the trip. Absolutely NO interest in us, ds, what we'd done. She has no idea just how lucky is, to escape the winter.
Sorry.... rant over...BUT...

Rhubarb.... what stirling advice! Why has it never occurred to me to expect nothing but lack of interest and negativity from her? I'm nursing a massive headache, numbed by G&T and nurofen as a result of her 24 hour stay.

Thank you. May that advice work for you, Tigger2. I think it MIGHT just do it for me.

Happy Lambing!

Fms, was this headache brought on by G&T or is the G&T helping soothe the pain!!!!! I am a fan of Gin and Lemonade, but after sunday afternoons escapade, and having to do nearly a fortnights shopping yesterday, with the worst hangover for months, I may stay clear for a while!!!.

I think that Rhubards advice is good, lambing is very happy today, no disasters what so ever.

Dear Tigger2
Luckily dh came home when I'd started my second, and forbade me any more!! He at least sympathises, but also knows how hellish I am with a hangover.
Had to go and lie down in warm bath to complete my "Post MIL Treatment"...

Hmmm. Gin and lemonade... sounds good. Just off to rummage round drinks cupboard to see what I can find.
It's pathetic, really...24hrs of MIL, and 24hrs recovery needed!

Tigger, being the originator of the 'miserable mother' thread I know where you're coming from.

You have to batten down the hatches, put up the barriers resist temptation to contact too often as it so often leads to disappointment.

I have realised that my mother is not interested in us and have therefore stopped asking her to come out with us/on holiday with us/to help with children. As all at the negativity got me so down.

Unbelievably though she actually took offence at not having been asked to look after the children this Friday as we are going to Ideal Home. I had organised for friends to look after them separately. I asked M if it was OK if I gave friends her phone number in case of emergency and she wanted to know why I hadn't asked her! I replied she was always too busy. Result is DS is going to hers Friday night! She made it clear she didn't want my beautiful DD age 3 though! Her loss.

Chin up. R

Mums are amazing.... will we be like this when we're their age ?
My mum lives abroad but she has an opinion on everything I do with my kids. I am not strict enough, what still bf ?, still not potty trained ?, not playing on his own ?,....
Give me a break....
I do think she brags about her grand kids but not in front of me.
She has now said that she wouldn't be keen to take DS for a holiday if he isn't potty trained !!! Well I had not planned on sending him anyway.
It's hot and cold.... why can't they just be supportive !!!

The advice that I gave was passed on to me by a friend of mine, so it's her we should be thanking really! Though as someone said, it's easier said than done. I know that I will always get upset when my mother fails to ask me how dd is and just rambles on about her own problems. And when I listen to my sister's complaining about her lack of support, it also makes me angry and I just want to pick up the phone and tell her a few home truths. But deep down I know that this won't solve anything.

It is a shame that our mothers seem to be disinterested or critical of us, but at least we can be thankful that they are not abusive. We can also remember how this feels, so that we can resolve never, ever, to be like this with our own kids. Hope everything works out for all of you!

Ladies, just thought I should let you know that it's not all bad, or they're not all bad. I am extremely lucky and thankful to all of you for making me realise how good my mum has been as I often take her for granted. She looks after my 6 month old DD 2 days a week while I'm at work and comes over nearly every day Im at home on her way back from work to help and see Tilly. She's so great and supportive and my little girl adores her.
So sorry to hear that you are not getting the support you deserve xx

I agree with Tillysmummy, reading all these tales makes me appreciate my Mum even more. She and I really didn't get on very well before I had kids - she was always very critical and outspoken about whatever I did, and never said 'well done' or 'sorry' within my memory. However, since ds was born she is a changed woman - helpful, understanding, never ventures an opinion unless it is solicited, and even told me the other day that I was doing a great job with my kids! So far this 'Grandma' effect has lasted 4.5 yrs, so I think I can relax and assume it will last. We're going to stay with her at Easter, so maybe I should remember to tell her how much I appreciate her.

Azzie,

It's lovely isn't it - my mum even bought a mothers day card from my ds to me and my grandmother did as well ! My grandmother comes over nearly every day to help when my mums there and when im there. She's also a star and is enjoying every minute of being a great grandmother !
I feel really lucky that they are so supportive. It is very upsetting when family is critical of what you do. Especially if you're close.

Stop it! I'm getting jealous!