How many husbands....?

[FourHorseShoesoftheApocalypse]

Hi, I'm wondering how many husbands have friendships with work colleagues, ie, regular texting, private facebook messaging, occasional lunches together?

Is it reasonable for me to expect my husband to mostly meet or chat with women when in groups, or in public forums when on line?

I don't have any private friendships with any men as I don't feel it's appropriate.

What are your thoughts, and please be nice I'm feeling fragile!

If it's making you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't really matter what others do or what is right or wrong. Your husband is clearly handling it badly. Meeting, chatting and messaging can all be quite normal and above board between colleagues of all genders but not if it's at the expense of your own relationship (e.g. if he was chatting to them rather than you all evening) and not if he's keeping women friends secret or separate from you.

Has your DH always had female friends or is it just a recent thing? I personally would feel uncomfortable with my husband talking/meeting privately with other women but i am the jealous type!

I have friendships with men than sometimes involve texts, etc. But nothing my partner doesn't know about or that I'm be comfortable with him seeing. I don't think friendships between men and women are inappropriate and the suggestion makes me feel a bit sad. I think grown ups can be expected to behave like grown ups.

Is there something that's happened that you don't like?

*or that I'd be UNCOMFORTABLE with my DP seeing - I mean!

I've not really been jealous before, I'm happy for him to go out chat with people from work and chat with other women. We've been married for 8 years and up till now I have trusted him implicitly. It's the secret nature of it that troubles me, he's been texting this colleague for over a year and I don't recall him mentioning her name ever. He does talk about other people he works with though.

I only discovered this friendship when I picked up a text from his phone as he was driving and couldn't answer it.

I don't think he's having an affair, and I don't think anything has really happened between them. But I feel hurt and he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

Would he like it if it was the other way around, doubt it.

You are right to feel hurt and betrayed, he's been a real sneak, if they aren't already up to something they might well be in the future.

He says he wouldn't care if it was the other way around as he says he's not jealous and trusts me. But I would never have a male friendship that I would keep from him for over a year.

I don't think he would do anything more than chat, but it's made me feel suspicious and hurt that he thinks it's ok to keep friendships secret from me.

He may be keeping it from you because he senses you are insecure about it.
Dh has many female colleagues and does meet them, but not in a one to one situation. Well, he does sometimes but it's rare.

I cannot say anything as I often meet my ex! Dh is friends with him too, but I occasionally meet him when it's just me (and ex's partner usually though). I also meet a male friends from time to time. Always within a group though.

I think you need to talk about why he keeps it from you. I don't know what else to suggest, sorry.

It does sound to me like there is potential for an emotional affair here, may be he sees nothing wrong as long as he keeps his knob to himself. Have you asked him specifically why the messages on fb have been kept private?

He says it's because he's a private person, which is true. I don't want to know every detail of his female friendships, but I'm his wife I would expect him to share a some of it with me.

It wouldn't worry me if he continues to have a friendship with her, but I would like him to keep the majority of his friendship public, particularly as she's also had a thing with another colleague, despite the fact that she's not single, and it was my husband that ended up comforting her over this.

He shouldn't be a "private person" to his wife though.

I agree that I wouldn't like that he hasn't mentioned her at least in passing, especially if they're talking somewhat regularly.

My husband knows a few women but never meets with them (knows them from high school) and if they message him he'd mention it in passing "remember me telling you about x, she sent me a msg saying..." and he'd ask my opinion or fill me in with the drama.

I have a male friend or two. DH knows about them. I sometimes get fb msgs and tell him about our chats. Showed him a video of one of my weird friends doing something strange...

It's not conscious though, not "have to tell DH" that's just how we communicate about our lives and what not... so a year for constant communication and not a mention would make me suss..

Yes sykadelic, that's how I think it should be, these friendships should naturally come up in conversation every now and then.

Sadly I have to say our marriage is not that great since having kids, I wonder if having a friendship with a younger, carefree woman helps to make up for the drudgery of our relationship! And if that is the case, even if there's nothing in particular going on it highlights that we have problems!

Trust your instinct. If you're not the jealous type and his relationship/connection with this one particular person is making you feel uncomfortable than there is a reason for that.

I think the secrecy is quite worrying, my husband has plenty of female friends and sometimes they cry on his shoulder but he always chats about them, plus he is open if I say walked in and he was on Skype to them (often abroad) or if he got a text. I would be quite alarmed if he had a female friend who he texted and hadn't ever mentioned them as we both chat about our friends quite a lot.

Thanks for your replies everyone, it helps, it's hard to know whether you're just getting everything out of perspective and over reacting when you're in the situation and your husband is adamant that there is nothing wrong in the way they have behaved.

well, practically all of DH's friends are female, and he works in an industry which is predominantely (sp?) female, so yes, if he goes for a drink or lunch or has any friends at all - they are women!

I don't know whether you are right to be unsure about this or not, but I find your statement 'I don't have any private friendships with any men as I don't feel it's appropriate' really really weird - perhaps he does too? Perhaps he actually prefers the company of women and would have like some female friends but hasn't because of your odd views on this. Obviously if you find any kind of friendship that doesn't happen in a group with a member of the opposite sex 'inappropriate' then he's going to keep a friendship of that kind secret. He shouldn't have to - he should be able to be friends with who he likes! As you should.

I think I didn't make that part clear RiverTam, I really really don't mind him having female friends, I expect that and think that's normal. I am bothered by friendships that have been going on for over a year that he has never mentioned to me.

I have male friends, but not ones that I would contact privately, my male friendships happen in public and if I were to message them privately it would come up in conversation with my husband at some point.

mine does. I don't feel particularly uncomfortable with it though, I know then, I've met them on several occasions and his attitude and demeanour never change. for example if I was to bump into him and his friend or friends he would speak to me for a bit, I would speak to them for a bit, whomever I was out with would have a bit of a chat - small talk really then go our separate ways for the evening. if it really does bother you why don't you talk it out and tell him how you feel and what makes you feel like that.

And generally he doesn't seem to prefer the company of women. I am not the controlling sort I don't generally tell him what I think is appropriate in his friendships, and I've never told him who he can and can't be friends with.

It's not about him having (girl) friends, it's about a friendship kept secret for a year from his wife.

We have talked about it, he thinks it's fine.

I have never had the opportunity to meet any of his friends or really be involved in his social life as it's all work related and no one invites partners.

Exactly Jan45

I agree: they should come up in conversation. We talk about our friends to each other. I've just thought about that!

If we didn't talk about them, it would seem that there was something we wanted to keep to ourselves.

Eh? Sorry - I'm a bit confused. Does he have to tell/ask you before he is friends with a female colleague?

There must be more to this (your reaction) - I'd feel very pissed off if my partner was questioning my texts to my friends.

I hope it's innocent - as it is in my friendships. I think unless they are up all night texting or sending each other long emails in the wee hours, or he is hiding/deleting his messages, I think it sounds like you're being a bit dramatic. Sorry. Hopefully I'm right and it isn't anything suspicious - before I'm accused of not being supportive!

I think you not being involved in his social life is the issue here - something you should challenge (does he know/see your friends for example?) - rather than the gender of his friends.

More than just suspicious, sorry. IMO and experience a man who is married and has a close/good relationship with a woman generally wants sex from it or is having sex or just thinks he will one day possibly be having sex with that woman. It's red alert for me. Especially if it's an usual thing for him to do and also if he doesn't mention her that much.