How many husbands....?

[FourHorseShoesoftheApocalypse]

Hi, I'm wondering how many husbands have friendships with work colleagues, ie, regular texting, private facebook messaging, occasional lunches together?

Is it reasonable for me to expect my husband to mostly meet or chat with women when in groups, or in public forums when on line?

I don't have any private friendships with any men as I don't feel it's appropriate.

What are your thoughts, and please be nice I'm feeling fragile!

Not sure what I said that suggested he would need to tell/ask before he is friends with female colleagues. I expect him to be friends with women, I think you're misunderstanding me, I just don't expect him to keep it private and never mention said women for almost a year and half.

I don't think he's having an affair, but I think it would be appropriate to just mention this friendship as he does with other male and female friendships.

You're wondering if there's more to it, it was the 'Love ya...' text that he sent when he was comforting her over some problems she was having that annoyed me. Probably totally innocent but just feels like he shouldn't be hiding if all from me. I've got no problem with him being supportive and comforting to people, just should tell me about it.

That's very sad. And a tad sexist.

I mean Widow not you OP xx

Is she single?

My DH does all the things you mentioned with female colleagues, but then he works in a predominantly female environment and gets on better in general with women than men anyway.

Some of these women I've met, a few I haven't, simply because the opportunity hasn't arisen yet, which is fine - I've absolutely no reason to mistrust DH.

However I definitely would be bothered if he wasn't open about where he was going at who he was meeting as then I'd question what he had to hide.

My DH has female friends from uni and works with a lot of women as it's a female dominated environment. I too have male friends. Neither of us have kept anything secret or private when we've met up with them. Just don't need to.

It's the need to keep things a secret that would bother me.

I've had lunch with my male friends before, am I not allowed now I'm married? DH knows them too, and isn't bothered. But then I tell him, he knows I'm just meeting a mate.

No, engaged, but there is some doubt as to whether she's been completely faithful, and discussed these problems with my husband rather than her fiance

If he said 'I've made friends with a woman! She's just a friend! There's nothing in it!' etc - that would sound more dodgy to me than him not feeling the need to mention he has made a new friend.

Is he not allowed a private life? If he thinks he's done nothing wrong, maybe he hasn't.

Hmm. I dunno. Maybe say you want to meet his work mates etc and suss her out for yourself. x

Pobble, I dont' think I'd mind if he met her for lunch if he was very open about it, I'm not sure we've not been in that situation.

If it's a specific friendship that he's keeping a secret then yes I would worry, as I would wonder why.

He very much has a private life, he's a private person, and I respect this, but I find it hard to accept that you can fail to mention one person for nearly a year and half, who you are fairly friendly with. I don't expect him to come out and say, I've met this woman... you're right it would sound dodgy. He could have mentioned going out to lunch with her, or just some detail about her in the same way that he has with other colleagues.

I'm not bothered about not being part of his social life, I'm happy for him to do his own thing.

There's a big difference between privacy and secrecy and I think you're calling it about right OP. You are not by nature suspicious, jealous or knee-jerk opposed to him having adult female friends, you are getting a bad feeling about the nature of this friendship owing to the secrecy element and you're right to question it

Yeah, sorry - didn't mean to suggest you were being daft or anything. I suppose I would find not knowing any of his friends (male or female) a bit odd. But each to their own.

Yes Cogito - big difference between secrecy and privacy. But if he hasn't told OP about going for lunch - which is that?

Omitting to mention one lunch with one friend is nothing remarkable in isolation. As a regular pattern of behaviour not mentioning one particular female friend, it would be secrecy.

Hmm. I'm not sure I'd be arsed in the slightest to be honest.

But then if you have a funny feeling about it, OP - then you're of course right and justified in asking about it. If it is completely innocent though - expect the privacy/secrecy to continue.

Hope you're alright x

There's rarely anything innocent about secrecy. To keep a secret someone has to tell lies.....

As a regular pattern of behaviour not mentioning one particular female friend, it would be secrecy

And that's the thing isn't it? If it's repeated behaviour with one particular person then I would question why. What's different about this person that your DH can't talk to you about her. What's different from his other friends?

Think there's a lot of dramatising going on with other posters, OP.

Don't let other people wanting a scandal on here get you in to a fight with your DH about something which is most likely him not thinking him talking with his friend with out you necessarily knowing is a big deal.

My first reaction was the same as many others on here: if it's all so hush-hush, what is really going on?

However, it does occur to me that relationship dynamics are all different. I do know men who are lovely and would never dream of cheating who still don't tell their wives things for fear it might upset them, particularly if said wives are a bit inclined to jealousy.

DH used to do this to me - not with women but with work trips. Whenever he would start a relationship with 'Oh, I did mention to you that...' my heart would sink because I would know that the next sentence would be 'I have to go to China for a week' or 'I need to give a talk in Minnesota' - presented as a fait accompli. It took several stern conversations about the need for these things to be discussed openly at an early stage for him to realise that springing stuff on me was not a great plan, and that actually it would be far better to be completely open.

Ivehearditallnow: Everyone has an opinion on an advice site, doesn't mean we are drama queens or want scandal!

Set against the doormat-like approach of 'can't be arsed' I suppose everything else looks like 'dramatising'...

I am a bit worried about blowing this up into more than it is, there is no big scandal. On the whole I think my husband is trustworthy, but I'm sad to say that although I still love him our relationship is a bit rubbish at the moment, so I guess it makes it harder for me to be ok with him keeping this to himself for so long. When you don't feel secure in your relationship then your partner's closeness to other people poses more of a threat.

Most comments seem reasonable there are one or two that are a wee bit dramatic, I don't think he's having an affair, but the secrecy bothers me.

I just wanted to sound people out, see whether people are relaxed that their partners have relationships with the opposite sex which they don't mention to them, or would most people expect a greater degree of openness.

It's not blowing it up to have a conversation. I think you have to be honest with him about the context however. e.g. you're conscious that the relationship is drifting, things don't feel as secure as they have in the past and finding out (accidentally? in passing? from someone else?) that he's been having lunches/chats/messaging with Doris from Filing for a whole year and never mentioned it is not helping any of that.

People talk about 'working at a relationship' but I think it's more like sailing a dinghy... ie. you can bob along with your hand on the tiller making small corrections most of the time, but sometimes the wind changes and you have to act fast or end up going nowhere with your sails uselessly flapping.

I found out when his phone beeped in the car whilst he was driving, I picked it up to tell him the message, and the first message my eye fell on started, 'Love ya..' - she'd been upset and he was trying to offer reassurance.

We're managing to keep the dinghy afloat for now, but it doesn't feel like a lot of fun, having 3 children has put a big strain on our relationship, he finds parenting very stressful and withdraws into his own world. We'll work it out, could probably do with some professional support for some fairly big underlying issues that we try to ignore, but bringing someone else into the situation seems a big step!

I'm still not understanding you - so he can have female friends, but only ever see them in a group, is that what you're saying? Because that's nonsense.