Should I work on this?

[Decembermummy1985]

Hi. Please please help,

My baby is still very young, he will be 6 months old soon. I am really unhappy in my marriage and I don't know what to do. I feel a huge responsibility to make it work as our baby is so young. Well really to make it work because we have a child however old they are. But truth is I've been unhappy for years. We've been together 10 years, married nearly 3. We never have sex, obviously conceived our son but that was such a rare occasion. We haven't really had sex since the early days of our relationship. When we do have it I just feel like it's being done 'at' me. I try to involve him in foreplay but it doesnt work and I get very tense then and so it's painful. He often ignores me when I speak to him. He tells me his work is number 1 and I must accept that (I have a career too I'm not a s.a.h.m just on mat leave right now). His career comes first to the degree that he still defends not coming to the hospital when I bled heavily at 7 weeks pregnant and drove myself there and back. He tells me I forced him into our engagement and that at the time he was depressed and incapable of feeling anything. He tells me he is often not attracted to me and often doesn't desire me. He says that in our relationship he has frequently not been in love with me. However less than 24 hours later he said he didn't say any of these things. I feel I am going crazy!

I have to be honest and say that before we married all this was the same. He would also occasionally visit strip clubs and did have one friendship with a girl that was waaay too close but I Completely believe it wasn't physical. At this time I fell for someone else (cringe; I know that's awful). I fell in love with another man and I did have a relationship with him. I planned to leave my husband (he was my boyfriend then). When I told him his reaction shocked me so much. He begged me to stay and said he would change and work with me to make it work. Confused and feeling our history meant we were worth working on, I did stay and ended my physical relationship with the other man. But I have always loved him. I did love my husband (then boyfriend) too in a different way and was just so confused (I know this is seriously awful I hate myself for it please don't lecture).

Sadly he has never forgiven me which I know I deserve. That's not my perception he's told me that a few weeks ago. I feel like the scum of the earth for betraying him. I feel even worse that I still love the other guy despite not laying eyes on him for 3 years (we moved out of the area and I cut contact with friends etc to try and allow us to move forwards). I have to point out husbands behaviour is the same both before and after I met someone else just in case you think it's tit for tat type of thing.

Help me help me I feel so trapped. My parents feel I must work on it as we have a child. I am seeing a counsellor and take anti depressants but now I'm thinking hang on.....is there anything wrong with me or am I just miserable with my husband? My husband and parents say my desire to leave him must mean I have PND. I really disagree. I love my child so much he is my world. He makes me very very happy. I don't feel I have PND.

Help.

Trust yourself.
Your whole post is answering your own question - of course you shouldn't live a life of misery.
You are free to leave at any time.

I think the relationship was probably over years ago and you two are just going through the motions, there's a lot for resentment there on both sides but it just sounds pretty miserable tbh.

Nothing wrong with accepting that things are not good and won't be and move on, not easy but you deserve to be happy. I don't see the point in being in a relationship that is full of negativity and put downs.

Ever hear the expression 'flogging a dead horse'? I don't know when this pressure started on you to follow the path of wife and mother but I wouldn't be surprised if it was quite early on in your life If you'd had 7 years of disappointing sex and everyone's having affairs etc, why would you go on to get married if there wasn't some kind of internal or external obligation in operation? That you have a ring on your finger or a baby in your arms doesn't change something from being a bad relationship to a good one.

In short, you probably don't have PND but you are in a very stressful, very miserable trap (self-imposed but reinforced by your husband & parents) and have been for quite some time. I'll be honest, he sounds rather manipulative and bullying.

Do you have anyone in your life that you can confide in and would be on your side? Do you talk to your counsellor about any of this. Having someone who knows the truth about your relationship and isn't pressurising you to stay sounds essential.

I would also suggest that you get legal advice. Explore the options beyond this failed marriage.

Thing is we get on as people. We are capable of enjoying each other's company. I do feel we love each other; whether it's romantic love is another thing but...I don't know. I feel huge responsibility because if I stop highlighting issues I know we would plod along forever. My parents say that this is real life and to expect anything else is unrealistic. Neither of us have 'done' anything to the other since getting married if you see what I mean. I'm horribly confused. I feel we ought to work it out. Thanks for replying.

'Red flags' of emotional abuse or psychological bullying in your post...

• "We never have sex," "I get very tense then and so it's painful."
• "He often ignores me when I speak to him"
• "He tells me his work is number 1 and I must accept that " " still defends not coming to the hospital "
• "He tells me I forced him into our engagement"
• "He says that in our relationship he has frequently not been in love with me. However less than 24 hours later he said he didn't say any of these things. " Look up gaslighting
• "Sadly he has never forgiven me which I know I deserve" This is bullying pure and simple.

There are many more...

Your parents are very wrong. A happy marriage with someone who treats you with respect and doesn't despise you is not unrealistic.

Thank you. I have always felt very controlled by him and have history of control issues in family relationships. He is mr respectable and everyone loves him...it adds to the confusion. I will look up gas lighting I've never heard of it. Thanks.

What Cogito wrote earlier.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re this comment:-

"He often ignores me when I speak to him. He tells me his work is number 1 and I must accept that (I have a career too I'm not a s.a.h.m just on mat leave right now".

No, you do not get on as people. He is bullying and overtly demanding; who died and made him king?. Your parents (who have also given you a big sense of obligation) and him have both joined forces here to keep you in this trap partly of your own making.

You have a choice re this man; your child does not. Would you want your child to think that this version of a relationship is at all "normal"?. It patently is not and its dysfunctional.

He is certainly gaslighting you by denying that he said those things to you when he clearly did.

If you have felt very controlled by him, this is because you are actually being controlled by him. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

I would also suggest you read a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

The 'Mr Respectable' thing is pretty classic for abusive men. It's a very easy transition to go from charming others to emotionally manipulating their victim.

Can you say more about the control issues in family relationships? Are you from a very traditional/religious background or culture? Was there abuse in your family when you were growing up?

Gaslighting is a particular technique of emotional abuse where the abuser denies something has happened & tries to convince the victim they are going mad, remembering it wrong.

Ummm well a parent did exactly the same thing all my life I guess. I just jumped from one to the other. I almost hesitate to say that as I don't want to take a victim stance. I know I've played my part.

Interesting you say that about my son and not wanting him to feel this is normal. That is exactly what has motivated me to question what is happening. I'd be devastated to think of my son taking on these characteristics or replaying our dynamic in his own relationship. I guess my question is can we change it and have a positive marriage? That's what I want and I want that for all three of us.

Would you be with him if it wasn't for the child - there's the true answer.

If you're trying to excuse his behaviour by saying 'I'm no angel' please think again. No-one is perfect but, equally, no-one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. If your parents are abusive then they are in no position to comment.

If he can't forgive you for your past affair then he should do the decent thing and set you free. But no..... it suits him to keep you there, constantly apologising, constantly trying to please, enduring his coldness and contempt. That 'painful' perfunctory sex you mention is sexual assault... not lovemaking. No decent man would carry on if their partner was in pain.

I know you're not a victim but, after a lifetime with bullying/controlling parents and 10 years with this man, I think you have lost sight of what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

"I guess my question is can we change it and have a positive marriage? "

The key word there is 'we'. You want a positive marriage but it's clear he's quite happy with the negative status quo. It gets him what he wants.... a subdued wife leaving him free to get back to his strippers. (In case you're in any doubt, that's where he was when you were in the hospital. No way was he 'working') Therefore he has no incentive to change

To be fair he doesn't; that's why we don't have sex. He says all this time I was saying it was painful so he didn't persevere with it but it actually turns out I was 'getting it' elsewhere. That's not it at all, I never had any pain with the other person it was loving and satisfying. Thank you, my eyes have been opened a bit I'd never ever considered him in this light before. Can a situation like this be changed? I suggested relate and he has agreed for the first time.

Ps. No I trust he was at work. He's got a big position of responsibility and couldn't find cover. He said he wanted to be there. I def know he is at work when he says he is. Sorry to be pedantic I just don't want to 'slam' him unfairly or make him look worse than he is or mislead u guys.

Situations like you describe do not change fundamentally.

I think he has again told you what you want to hear. Such men do not change; anyway what is his own background, what are his family like?.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse within the relationship. Your H may well now try to bamboozle the Relate counsellor by trying to get this person to take "his side" in discussions. You will not get any sort of a fair say.

If counselling is at all done it cannot be with him. You need to go on your own and talk freely and openly in a both controlled and safe environment.

He does not want what you want; he is not interested in what you want.

He is only and has ever thought only of his own self here.

OP the way he speaks to you is just not right, it's almost like he feels hatred, he fucked up and so did you so what's his problem now, I think you need to have a very long talk about where you two go from here and yes that might mean separating. It sounds like the relationship from the off was never right.

Ok. Thanks. Wow everything everyone is saying is making so much sense I feel like a switch has been turned on...

Christ almighty, get out of this OP. It sounds nightmarish. You are not an awful person for the other man at all, it happens and was probably indicative of what was /is wrong at home. Your baby is tiny, will never know anything different if you leave now and you have a chance (with the other man or someone new) to build something much more healthy for him to have a as a model for his own future relationship. Sounds like your DH is a selfish, controlling twunt who will never ever put you at the top of his list and that is not a marriage to maintain or cherish. If you changed him by now, its not going to happen. It is HARD to walk away (I know) not least because of what other people might say but no-one except you two knows what really goes on and you can always say that "DM /DF I know you think I should say but this is MY marriage and I have to do the right thing". You are also entitled to think about your own happiness irrespective of if you have a child. Divorce / split families etc is very very common now, society is increasingly able to cope with it (schools communicating with both parents etc). If the parents can maintain civility and reasonable behavior there is no real reason why it has to be a disaster. Please do not for one minute think you deserve to stay in this situation to "serve you right" for the other man. Good luck

A relationship can only be changed if both people want it to change. It is not at all recommended that you undergo joint counselling where there is controlling or manipulation going on. A charming man, after all, is going to come across as reasonable in front of a counsellor and what you really can't afford is for you to spill your metaphorical guts thinking everyone's sharing, and end up giving him more ammunition to use against you.

This is interesting thank you. Everyone who knows us is floored by how lovely he is and how he looks at me when I'm all done up etc. I'm starting to wonder where he hid his fucking oscar...;-)

Cogito ergo thanks for sticking with me on this :-) have you been here yourself at all you seem v knowledgeable about it