Should I work on this?

[Decembermummy1985]

Hi. Please please help,

My baby is still very young, he will be 6 months old soon. I am really unhappy in my marriage and I don't know what to do. I feel a huge responsibility to make it work as our baby is so young. Well really to make it work because we have a child however old they are. But truth is I've been unhappy for years. We've been together 10 years, married nearly 3. We never have sex, obviously conceived our son but that was such a rare occasion. We haven't really had sex since the early days of our relationship. When we do have it I just feel like it's being done 'at' me. I try to involve him in foreplay but it doesnt work and I get very tense then and so it's painful. He often ignores me when I speak to him. He tells me his work is number 1 and I must accept that (I have a career too I'm not a s.a.h.m just on mat leave right now). His career comes first to the degree that he still defends not coming to the hospital when I bled heavily at 7 weeks pregnant and drove myself there and back. He tells me I forced him into our engagement and that at the time he was depressed and incapable of feeling anything. He tells me he is often not attracted to me and often doesn't desire me. He says that in our relationship he has frequently not been in love with me. However less than 24 hours later he said he didn't say any of these things. I feel I am going crazy!

I have to be honest and say that before we married all this was the same. He would also occasionally visit strip clubs and did have one friendship with a girl that was waaay too close but I Completely believe it wasn't physical. At this time I fell for someone else (cringe; I know that's awful). I fell in love with another man and I did have a relationship with him. I planned to leave my husband (he was my boyfriend then). When I told him his reaction shocked me so much. He begged me to stay and said he would change and work with me to make it work. Confused and feeling our history meant we were worth working on, I did stay and ended my physical relationship with the other man. But I have always loved him. I did love my husband (then boyfriend) too in a different way and was just so confused (I know this is seriously awful I hate myself for it please don't lecture).

Sadly he has never forgiven me which I know I deserve. That's not my perception he's told me that a few weeks ago. I feel like the scum of the earth for betraying him. I feel even worse that I still love the other guy despite not laying eyes on him for 3 years (we moved out of the area and I cut contact with friends etc to try and allow us to move forwards). I have to point out husbands behaviour is the same both before and after I met someone else just in case you think it's tit for tat type of thing.

Help me help me I feel so trapped. My parents feel I must work on it as we have a child. I am seeing a counsellor and take anti depressants but now I'm thinking hang on.....is there anything wrong with me or am I just miserable with my husband? My husband and parents say my desire to leave him must mean I have PND. I really disagree. I love my child so much he is my world. He makes me very very happy. I don't feel I have PND.

Help.

Oh yes. I was the wife of a charming, manipulative and emotionally abusive man for a while. He was also very fond of alcohol and credit cards so a real catch all round. Unlike yourself I didn't have any children with him & my family saw through him from Day 1. Unfortunately, however, I chose to see their disapproval as a reason to 'stand by my man' rather than an emergency exit.... there's more than one way to cock things up where parents are concerned :)

I kidded myself we got on like a house on fire - conveniently forgetting the crappy stuff that became more and more regular. My confidence hit the dirt & I normalised his behaviour to such an extent that, even now years later, I can still remember something he used to do and find myself thinking ^why the hell did I stand for that?' In the end I never managed to summon up the courage to call it a day & he left me for someone else.

Life is too short to spend a minute of it with someone that doesn't think you are anything other than adorable. You'll need to get away from this man for some time before you will really appreciate how low he's brought you.

I really appreciate u sharing your experience with me thank you so much. I'm going to read that book.

Many abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world (one of two people may have their own quiet suspicions about him) but it is at home that the mask slips.

It's a just a vague feeling on my part OP but is your husband much older than you?

Oh OP, you should have run a mile a long time ago.

You guys don't have a sex life, he TELLS you that work comes first in his life, he still punishes you for an indiscretion years ago that you admitted to, you feel in your bones that something is terribly wrong... no no no. This man was not fit for marrying and he is not fit for you staying to "work on things".

HE is the one who needs to work on HIMSELF.

Absolutely what everyone else says. Get rid of him. As you say you get on a people so just get on a co-parents. Your child is so young and will have no memory of any different anyway.

No not at all there are just a few months between us. When we met I was pretty vulnerable though so I guess he's always been the more powerful partner. That isn't the status quo now however and maybe that's rattled him? I'm totally amazed that everyone is saying the same thing; it's been as clear as mud to me. You've opened my eyes. I want to learn more about guys like this. I feel it's a bit of a pattern I need to break looking back!

I'll be staying with my parents over the weekend for some space with Ds. Can you advise me what type of thing I should be saying to them? It's all about staying together when I do talk to them. I want them to consider my perspective and how staying together could even work out worse for Ds.

Are your parents happy together? Or do they tolerate one another? Its interesting they want you to work things out.

My parents didn't think I would afford to live alone! Bizarre, I earnt double what my arse of an ex did. I spelt it out in the end asking if on x salary would they manage x bills? What are your parents concerned about?

Marriages can be amazing, I am truely married to an amazing man. Don't sell yourself short.

You don't have to say anything to your parents, especially if they are not going to support you. If there is any history of overbearing behaviour, control or bullying on their part and if they are so narrow-minded that they believe marriage is for life even when it's an abusive one, you are not going to be taken seriously and they are not going to see your perspective. Explanations will be a waste of time. If they ask why you're spending the weekend say you wanted DS to have time with Granny or your husband has a lot on. Something like that.

When you've made a decision present them with a fait accompli rather than giving them chance to guilt-trip you into staying again. Moral and practical support you'll need from others.

The 'met when vulnerable' thing fits, thank you. The imbalance of power is very apparent.

Im just too scared to do it. :-( can't cope with the fallout; financial, what people will say... I can't face it :-(

Give Women's Aid a ring, OP. They will be helpful and understanding - and yes, your marriage is 'bad enough' for them to help you.

And my parents....not sure. I would have said tolerated at best in the past and was a terrible marriage when I was a child or so I perceived. But now they seem ok.

*who