MNers who are in a truly happy marriage - please tell me what it's like?

[DreamingOfMicronesia]

What's it like to be loved and respected so much?

What is your marriage like - for instance, does your DH kiss you goodbye every morning? Do you have little in-jokes? Do you cuddle and have a regular healthy sex life? Does he respect your opinions and not talk down to you?

I don't think I have ever had a non-dysfunctional relationship in my life (I'm 24) and I really want to know what it's like to be in the ultimate commitment.

(incredibly nosey question and absolutely none of my business, so feel free not to answer )

We have a healthy,happy respectful marriage BUT I chose very very carefully and purposefully.

I was very intolerant of any person who I did not think was worth having round.
That was 23 years ago.

I've always been very strong minded, very sure of what I will & will not allow. I tested my dh probably to the limit but I knew quite quickly that he was/is a good un.

He is respectful to everyone he meets, he is just lovely and we respect each other & are still very much in love.

I suppose I am lucky but some of it has to do with purposeful choices made with clinical analysis almost. (I sound like a psychopath reading that back!)

It's nice, it's easy, it's comfortable, it's predictable, it's calm, it's fun,it's happy and complete.

25 years together, Silver in October. We say "I love you" every hour we're together, cuddle and kiss every day, shag when the Viagra works and when we argue we argue as equals. She does the snoring, I do the farting.

Of course we have our demons, but we help each other with them. DD very nearly broke us, but she didn't quite. Right now I could just skip for joy that I live with two merry lunatics, one of whom is willing to scrub my back while wearing a nurse's uniform. I really must get a bigger bath...

The deep love is there. Roots so strong nothing can break them. Married 15 years. He brings me tea every morning. Tries so hard to make me happy even when I am being a bitch. We have been through so much together and are stronger than ever. Working through your issues and being mindful of each other. Love and respect. It's not a walk in the park and all relationships have testing times. It's how you work through it together. You have plenty of time. x

Disgrace you have brought a huge smile to my face.

What a lovely thread...I have loved reading what you have all written. A nice contrast amidst the pain we read here everyday.

I was your age when I met DH. 10yrs together, 1 child & a very happy marriage.

I went up an age bracket, men my own age were plonkers!

Also, start as you mean to go on with regards to respect, how much shit you are not prepared to take!

I've enjoyed reading your stories - with some of the stuff I read on MN, I feel so lucky that I have never had to kiss any frogs. I had a few not that serious relationships with blokes that obviously were not right for me looking back, but they were always 'nice' guys.

My DH is amazing. We have been together 13 years now, wow almost to the day. Married for nearly 5. The past two and a half years we've been struggling with infertility and it can be such a strain on a relationship, but it has stuck us even more firmly together. We didn't share it with many others so a lot of the time it felt like it was us vs the world and that has made us stronger. Now I am pregnant after IVF it feels like we have won the lottery :-D I love him so much, he gets me so well, we make each other laugh every day with the most stupid childish jokes. We never go to bed angry - OK we might go to bed angry but we don't fall asleep angry. He loves our cats as much as I do. He tells me when he has a bad dream. He always comes for a kiss before he leaves for work even if it's through the shower door. I still think he is so handsome when I see him in a suit, even though he wears one to work every day. He's not short on compliments to me even though I'm a total scruff bag most of the time. He gets on with all my family - has a total bromance going on with my brother - and I love his. I'm a bit of a control freak but right now he is doing a sterling job looking after me and bump, and organising selling our house and buying a new one, while I sleep / eat / moan.

I am so so so excited to start a new chapter in our life with a family of our own!! Hurry up November!!

I have only been married for 2 months but can draw upon previous relationship experience too. The main thing for me is that not only did I marry a man who I'm completely besotted with....I also like him. He treats EVERYONE around him well and is a GOOD person amongst many other amazing traits.

So while I'm sure we'll have troubled times ahead I'm hoping the fundamentals are there. Yes to in jokes, affection, respect and just an ongoing sense that we really cherish each other.

It took a long time to find each other

Can I just say you often read on MN that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I've never been particularly persuaded of the wisdom of that. too many frogs can just depress and desensitise you to the point you put up with too much from your partners. I am all in favour of throwing most frogs back in the pond. Say no a lot more.

What's a good marriage?

We've been together 8 years. I had a long history of some real shockingly bad boyfriends but had been mostly single for 10 years, he'd been single a lot longer.

He never fails to make me feel thought of and considered. He sometimes comes home with something he thought I'd like or be interested in, it could be a newspaper cutting or a bun. Or he'll tell me that there's a gig I might like, or he'll bring home the events listings for our local arts festival as soon as it comes out.

He takes turns at the early mornings without question or complaint. He isn't at all bothered by perceived gender roles - he cleans way more than I do because I am a scum queen and he isn't, but he doesn't ever criticise me for my untidiness, and I don't have a go at him for the stuff he does that might irk me. He doesn't belittle me - in private or public. We might not agree but we don't talk down to each other.

We do have in-jokes, and special words and phrases. But mostly it's just feeling that we are Team Flightywoman, he puts himself second - sometimes to his detriment - but then I do too in his favour so we balance!

He's been amazing in the last couple of years, and I give him all credit for sticking with me during my Mirena hell-bitch phase (thankfully now over) - goodness knows how he managed it without ever being resentful at me because I would have rowed at the drop of a hat.

He's just kind and caring and thoughtful and lovely. And I adore him just as much as he makes me believe he adores me.

Denzel, I always think of it as learning to know what you don't want and sometimes the frogs help you to identify what you really don't want, or what is unacceptable to you.

But yes, ditch a frog if you discover that you're with one!

I kissed a few frogs shagged the rest

I ended up very jaded, and took myself off the market for a good year before I met DH.

It's not a cliche that you need to be happy in yourself, before you can be happy with someone else.

marriage isnt the only route to happy fulfilled relationship
Be mindful you dont mythologise marriage as be all end all.it isnt.its bit of paper
Marriage is a ceremony,legal status but it wont necessarily make for good relationship
Youll know good relationship when you're in one,its easy.nothing is a hassle.you feel ok

A truly happy, healthy relationship is one that makes you happy.

Some women will be happiest to be a SAHM with a DH working 50 hours a week and who never does any housework or cooking. Other women would LTB within weeks if it turned out he wasn't prepared to run the hoover around.

Some women will be happy with playfights, in-jokes that sound disrespectful to outsiders, having very independent social lives. Other women are uncomfortable with their DH having separate social life and want to spend most of their time together.

There is no hard and fast template. The little things can change so much in every relationship.

If I had to boil it down, I would simply say a happy relationship is one where you trust each other, respect each others opinions, beliefs and decision, and know that when push comes to shove you have each others back.

And also that it doesn't need to be a formalised marriage...

Agree, marriage isn't the be all & end all... but for me, it kind of was...

I wanted to be married before having children. I wanted the security of marriage, in a practical sense as well as an emotional sense.

I was brought up in a broken home, and very aware of the effects.

My mum brought me up to protect my interests, not in a gold digging way, I pay my way but I guess I'm quite guarded & aware of being taken for a ride. Had I had a baby before marriage, it would have been given my surname etc.

Oh, I seem to have something in my eye reading this thread. It's lovely

minion and churlstons I am so sorry that you have lost the people you loved

Just to add, I am one year into the healthiest, happiest relationship I have ever had. Absolutely equal. Full of fun and great sex. And it's with a man who is kind. To his very bones he is kind. And imho kind trumps everything.

Yes,isn't all aww Hun and PDA.i think anyone who claims not to argue is lying or dysfunctional

I've been married to DH for 4 years, together for 6. I'm only 27 so don't have as much experience as previous posters but I'm truly happy, and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We have a 2 year old and both look after her, we both work and I'm at college but we manage between us and if one us wants to go and do something with friends we do. Normally check with each other it's ok but it always is. We never argue, and I really mean never, I think that's more because DH just doesn't argue at all with anyone, he walks away then comes back and discusses the problem.

I would second what other people say about being single and just being yourself. I always had a bf between age 16-20 then I was single and saving to go back packing, a random night out with DH (who at the time was a friend) and something changed between us. I still went back packing but DH came out and joined me and we had an amazing 3 months in oz.

I've been married nearly 7 years, and been 'with' DH for ten. Not that it's the being married that matters - things would be the same regardless of whether we had actually wed.

DH is wonderful and I love him as much as ever because:

• he loves me (and tells me regularly)
• he supports my ideas, even the crazy ones into which he occasionally has to inject a bit of sense, and he is proud of my achievements
• he shares the domestic side of running a family
• he enjoys simply being with me
• he understands my need to recheck that the doors/windows are locked when we leave the house
• he is fantastic with our daughter
• he recognizes when I an low on sugar and tired and knows that is why I am behaving like a stroppy five year old. He then immediately provides sugar.
• he is and will always be on my side (against all comers, related or not)
• he works hard and making him laugh is the best feeling ever

In terms of your specific questions - no we don't have a regular sex life (though I still think it is healthy). That's mainly due to the toddler in the house though - she's got a radar and is guaranteed to wake any time her parents feel frisky. We cuddle lots, and kiss every day. He never talks down to me. And when I sigh at his latest puns, he just smiles and says 'you're stuck with me you know'.

I can't imagine ever being without him.

Now, I'm not going to pretend he is a 'perfect' man. He lacks the six pack usually described in the romance novels, he has nose hair (well, only til I mention it is back and then he deals with it), he can't do DIY at all and he's set fire to the kitchen twice. But he is perfect for me.

Absolutely agree,a strong connection creates that potential frisson in a row
We are both strong characters and more than adept at argy bargy
I've got a PhD in ah telt ye so...