MNers who are in a truly happy marriage - please tell me what it's like?

[DreamingOfMicronesia]

What's it like to be loved and respected so much?

What is your marriage like - for instance, does your DH kiss you goodbye every morning? Do you have little in-jokes? Do you cuddle and have a regular healthy sex life? Does he respect your opinions and not talk down to you?

I don't think I have ever had a non-dysfunctional relationship in my life (I'm 24) and I really want to know what it's like to be in the ultimate commitment.

(incredibly nosey question and absolutely none of my business, so feel free not to answer )

[BigBoPeep]

I have one of those sunshine and rainbows marriages (5yrs now), we honestly only argue maybe twice a year, and it never goes on longer than the argument itself, once it's done it's done. We 'get' each other, respect each other, have in jokes. Sex is rarer thesedays with a toddler around and heavy work commitments but I make a real effort and it's great when it happens, just gets better and better. Sometimes little things about him grate on my nerves, but I just remind myself how small that is in the scheme of things and how I'm very lucky!

I don't know what the secret is, just meeting the truly right person I think.

[PoundingTheStreets]

Have friends who are always so nicey-nicey polite with each other...and I'm sure it's because they're scared their relationship just aint strong enough to withstand any true raw emotion, or any emotional upheavel.

I think there's a lot of truth in that for a lot of people. But there are also relationships made up of two people who are naturally very laid-back so flashpoints over little things just don't happen and big issues are brought up for discussion before they become so big they enter row territory.

Different strokes for different folks.

[scottishmummy]

sunshine and rainbows marriage?surely youre not both that icky,its a twee term

[Minion100]

Myself and my DH had a sunshine and rainbows marriage which was very enjoyable and satisfying. This was party because we were both easygoing, but also partly because we just agreed about most things. I got annoyed at him sometimes, pouted, sometimes even had a good shout but it was quite rare. If I did get upset or angry, he was always very docile and didn't argue back much so as a result I never stayed angry for more than 3 or 4 minutes and we'd both end up in a pile of kisses and apologies. We never wanted to stay angry or fight.

As wonderful as our marriage was, his inability to let anger or annoyance out eventually translated to mental health problems when he came under enormous stress and because he was not able to let out negative emotions he could not talk to me about what was happening to him and it pulled him away from me rather than towards me when he needed me the most.

I am not saying couples need to argue a lot to have a healthy marriage, but if they can argue if required and then can communicate about absolutely anything then the foundations are more likely to withstand troubled times.

I loved my husband with all my heart (still do) and it was a truly happy marriage but we were lacking in this area and this is how he became disconnected from me during his dark times.

I don't think this was something I could have changed. He always found talking about his worries very difficult right from childhood.

The point being both parties have to have solid relationship skills for a marriage to be "bombproof". Happiness is all well and good, but the most loving and devoted couples can come under strain if their foundations are shaky and unfortunately you sometimes do not realise that they are until it is far too late.

[Minion100]

Not suggesting for a minute that every couple will face mental illness, certainly not to the severity that we did, but we do all face very trying times and at those times you either pull closer together than ever or you pull apart. Problem solving skills and communication are so important. My DH was as close to me as two people could ever be and he hid what was going on from me. A marriage can never work if both partners cannot share openly.

[Thurlow]

YY. You don't have to row and slam doors. DP and I are both naturally sulkers as opposed to rowers, so our arguments are really rather quiet

Which would probably piss off almost anyone else in the world, but we both understand it. And the key point is that the emotion comes out somehow. I do quite agree that if the deep emotions don't come out some way, in your version of an argument, that might not be the healthiest.

[AMillionNameChangesLater]

I'm happily married, very happily.

I dated (using the word very loosely) some off men. There was the one who had a bet with a group of mutual "friends" that he would be the one to have sex with me first.

The one who repeatedly made me feel crap, just so i would be grateful for a nugget of attention. "Million, if you stopped eating as much, you'd look so much prettier" etc. Looking back,I was a fool to put up with it all.

The one who snorted Pro-Plus off the uni table. He was arrested recently for drug dealing apparently.

Then I met DH. He makes me feel beautiful, and sexy, even when I look crap.

He can wind me right up, so I'm laughing but not in a good way, the way which screams "I'm going to kill you". He doesn't think about what needs to be done without being reminded.

He is so laid back, it makes me (a control freak) stabby.

we've been through a lot, more than most people my age (27) have. I trust him with my life. I can tell him anything. He doesn't understand my crazy, but he tries to. He's wonderful.

We do have in jokes, and he kisses me every day.

[Laregina]

Have to disagree with those basically saying that you have to have raging arguments or there's something wrong with your relationship...

DH and I hardly ever argue. We disagree, yes, we do piss each other off and fall out about it. But then we talk about it and move on. I honestly don't think we've ever had an argument that's lead to slamming doors and shouting at each other. That's partly because we 'get' each other and tend to agree on all the big things in life, partly because we're both quite laid back people anyway, but also because I don't want to spend my life shouting at somebody I love - and neither does DH. Maybe it's also because we were both brought up in families where our parents loved and respected each other 100% and would still be together had old age and death not got in the way

To me, shouting and arguing does not equal passion - love, chemistry and good sex does IMO - and we have that without having to shout at each other.

Horses for courses and all that, but I know people in RL who have made sweeping statements about couples who don't argue having problems, etc. From what I've seen they're trying to make themselves feel better about their dysfunctional relationships in the face of others who are clearly happy in theirs.

[beccajoh]

Yeah agree re:not arguing. I don't argue with my husband. We do disagree about things and there's plenty of times we get annoyed with each other, but I view arguing as a shouty disagreement with no actual outcome other than pissing each other off. It just seems like a complete waste of time to me.

[Minion100]

But, you do need to be able to be completely open and honest with each other, without fear of the consequences. If necessary you should be able to feel safe enough to contradict your partner, and openly disagree with them, with out fearing your relationship can't stand the strain.

I think this is said perfectly. No matter how much in love you are, no matter how happy you are, no matter how compatible and how great everything is - if you come to a major life crisis and you cannot both do this it puts you in very worrying territory.

A lot of the time though, this inability to be honest, to openly disagree might be in the person's deeply ingrained nature. They might have lived a lifetime finding confrontation difficult.

Often people who seem extremely emotionally healthy can shock the hell out of you when they are hit by a crisis and are completely unable to cope.

[Minion100]

I think that sense of knowing you can "say anything and still be loved" is not something you magically get from the other person though. It's something inside you. Self esteem?

Without it, no matter how much you are loved, you cannot let go and feel that trust that you can be yourself.

My husband thought my love for him was conditional on him being manly, strong, loving, wonderful and happy. He thought if he was depressed and unable to be those things that he would not be loved. So he ran away.

Those thoughts had no bearing on reality. It was something he'd decided on his own based on his dysfunctional childhood and hideous first marriage.

The point being - a relationship is only as strong as it's participants. If either one is carrying baggage from their past that they have not dealt with, or if either one has a dysfunctional way of managing problems then the marriage might hit a big problem.

A lot of it is about your strength and "health" as individuals before you enter the marriage.

[Minion100]

I only hope your DH doesn't call you LaQueen :) Although maybe you should demand he does!

[Minion100]

the foundation of any good marriage!

[TheWordFactory]

I'm a very loooooooong relationship and am very happy indeed.

I think the most binding thing is that we're a team. We don't have competing interests. He wants me to have what I want and I want him to have what he wants, so we try to facilitate one another where we can.

That said, we're not remotely romantic in a traditional sense. We don't go in for grand gestures, or endless protestations of devotion. We just quiety and methodically support one another day after day, month after month, year after year.

[jasminemai]

We dont really do big arguing. I have only fell out with him overnight once in our very early 20s and I was very drunk! Other than that we have bickered but never been annoyed with each other longer than an hour or so.

[Lizzylou]

Op, I completely agree with Pagwatch on this, you are very young and have the power to only accept what is right for you, not put up with shit just because you want a relationship.
Dh and I have been together for 18yrs, married for 12, when I first met him I just felt so comfortable around him, like I could be myself totally with him.
He is a very good and decent person, we just work.

[lechers]

I've been happily married to DH for 12 years now (we've been together for 17 years).

Sure, we row and fight, and sometimes even tell each other to F off, but that's our personalities. We're both strong willed and pig headed.

What makes our marriage strong, is the fact that at the bottom line DH and I love and respect each other. I know DH loves me. I know I can go to him about anything, and if I screw up, no matter what I've done, he'll be there for me. The same goes for him. I moan and whinge and complain, but of he ever needs me, I'm there for him. Ultimately we both know we're batting on the same team, and we're there to back each other up!

But yes, the morning cup of coffee, the kiss goodbye, or cuddle before sleep is nice, and helps to reaffirm everything. I think the most important bottom line, is that we both know we love and respect each other, and will do anything for the other person (although they may get nagged about it ).