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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left

50 replies

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 15:51

What next? Not been getting on for a while. Complete silence for two weeks now. Asked him if he is having an affair. He laughed at me. I don't know. Not sure I care. He's become very isolated. Hardly talking to the kids and just going to work and going to sleep. Eldest DCs have told him he's being grumpy. He moans at them. Youngest dd has asked him why he won't talk to anyone and he shouts at her. Final straw was when he disappeared all morning on his day off instead of spending time with youngest ds and then he come back with birthday presents for ds from himself. He knows I've spent a lot of £ on ds already and hasn't contributed at all. We have separate finances. He pays mortgage (I'm not on it) and he pays some other bills. I feed and clothe kids and pay water and phone bills plus my car. I can't afford to take on what he pays for so realistically I can't stay in this house but I don't know if I qualify for social housing help. I have no idea what to do next. I just know that I don't feel sad or angry or anything.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 16:02

Go and see a professional advisor on family finances before he further pulls the rug out from under you

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 16:04

Well. Whatever you decide to do about your 'D'H I suggest you get an initial free half hour with a solicitor and visit the CAB to find out what you are entitled to.

It helps to make a decision when it is an informed one.

Although there is no need to make any decisions yet, it is early days. Do you have any friends or family close by who can support you?

Greensleeves · 30/04/2014 16:05

I agree with AF, you urgently need to get advice about finances and how you are going to survive without him. IMO he has checked out of the relationship (I would be surprised if there weren't an OW in it somewhere)

Thanks
Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:06

Im too embarrassed to tell anyone. I'm the person least likely to fail and the one everyone comes too. I'm also a professional who works from home so this will affect my career too.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 16:07

You have not failed.

There is no reason for you to feel embarrassed.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 16:11

You haven't failed

Your unwarranted embarassment will not protect your children

Now get on and make sure you don't leave yourself wide open

And yes, sorry, but there will be ow Sad

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:18

Tried CAB. They are only open Tuesdays for 3 hours. The free solicitor in my area is my husbands (just rang them) so they can't see me even for advice. I have Fridays off so will see what I can sort out then.
I can support me and DCs (with help of HB) but not in this house. I have no savings so private rent would be out as no deposit etc and would be claiming HB which is just frowned upon round here. Eldest ds is disabled so all decisions and plans have to be carefully considered.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 16:21

My love, forget about whether any cares about claiming HB - it's none of their business.

Keeping a home together for your DCs - that's your only concern.

I'm sorry your H is being such a shit.

CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 16:23

And you may find that you're entitled to remain in the family home, particularly if your eldest has a disability.

Your H will have to support his children financially, you know.

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:24

He earns peanuts. After bills he is left with nothing virtually. When I said HB is frowned upon I mean that most privates won't accept.
He certainly couldn't afford to pay mortgage and rent for himself.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 30/04/2014 16:27

life here is the Rights of women website which will be able to provide you with some resources to get you started.

He will need to contribute to your children's upkeep and well-being too.

But as others say, you need to start getting legal advice and start taking some control in your situation. This period of not knowing where you stand is exhausting and emotionally draining.

Good luck x

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2014 16:28

You're married so even if the property (and the mortgage) are in his name only it is an asset of your marriage. If he doesn't want to get the property repossessed he will still have to pay the mortgage in full.

Meanwhile you have a great deal of breathing-space to ponder your next move. And that doesn't need to entail leaving your home

scallopsrgreat · 30/04/2014 16:29

x-post

But he pays the mortgage?? So he must earn something if you can't afford to take on the mortgage on this house? Plus his finances are his problem tbh. He will still be required to pay for his children.

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 16:34

Have you got access to his bank statements? I would be taking copies of those and any other relevant documents, particularly his itemised phone bill. I also think it unlikely that there is not an OW.

Where is he staying now? Are you expecting him home tonight?

CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 16:36

There's a link that shows how much he will have to contribute towards his children.

www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

This website will allow you to estimate your entitlement to benefits.
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Neither of these is as good as getting specific advice for your own situation, but they will give you an idea of what you have to work with.

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:36

Our mortgage is tiny but so is my income (self employed) he earns £18k mortgage and endowment and insurances for home cost just short of £450 a month. He pays £150 per month for DSD and then his car. He is left with about £200 a month at moment so if I take over gas/electric/CT/cancel tv and phone he may be lucky to have £400 a month left for his own accommodation.

I can cover all above but not mortgage and related payments Hmm

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 16:38

Also, are you claiming everything you're entitled to for your eldest's care?

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:40

Not expecting him home. I presume hes gone to his mums.
He's taken his clothes I have all paperwork here.
He has pay as you go phone. His finances are very transparent.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:41

Yes have dla and carers for ds which is why I'm self employed and work from home. I earn about 3k a year so tax credits top us up.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 16:41

So he might have to move back with his mother for a while.

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:43

She won't have him! Am waiting for the call from her now!!!! He left at 1pm so she won't be home till 5!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 16:46

I am no financial adviser but would it be possible to extend the mortgage? change to a repayment only, maybe that would make the repayments cheaper?

I am sure there is a lot that is doable here. At least he has somewhere else to go.

petalsandstars · 30/04/2014 16:47

If the mortgage is tiny then you'll probably be fine once the house is sold - and it may well have to be as an assett of the marriage.

specialsubject · 30/04/2014 16:47

private rentals may all appear to say 'no HB' but in certain situations that is not the case. A guarantor may help, but if you can pay the rent with the HB that is fine.

things like having run a home before (which you have) not having pets and being a non-smoker are also in your favour.You may also be able to get help with the deposit.

wishing you good luck and better times.

Original poster
lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 16:47

We tried to increase mortgage from 40-50k about a year ago and was refused even with my income so stayed just in his name and he is bound to this tracker for another 4 years.

OP posts: