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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has left

50 replies

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 15:51

What next? Not been getting on for a while. Complete silence for two weeks now. Asked him if he is having an affair. He laughed at me. I don't know. Not sure I care. He's become very isolated. Hardly talking to the kids and just going to work and going to sleep. Eldest DCs have told him he's being grumpy. He moans at them. Youngest dd has asked him why he won't talk to anyone and he shouts at her. Final straw was when he disappeared all morning on his day off instead of spending time with youngest ds and then he come back with birthday presents for ds from himself. He knows I've spent a lot of Â£ on ds already and hasn't contributed at all. We have separate finances. He pays mortgage (I'm not on it) and he pays some other bills. I feed and clothe kids and pay water and phone bills plus my car. I can't afford to take on what he pays for so realistically I can't stay in this house but I don't know if I qualify for social housing help. I have no idea what to do next. I just know that I don't feel sad or angry or anything.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2014 17:11

So, there should be a decent amount of equity in the property? That's half yours for a kick-off, probably more if you're 100% responsible for the children.

Whatever happens will likely happen slowly. Even if he stops paying the mortgage tomorrow the lender is unlikely to repossess within about six months. Meanwhile you have breathing-space to contemplate your future, so please don't get into a panic until you really need to

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 17:15

Thank you. I just feel trapped and a little upset that he will eventually lose the home he has owned for much longer than we have been together.
As you can probably tell this isn't the first time I've been in a position where I've considered ending my 11 year marriage but this time feels very different and final. My biggest concern is keeping everything as normal as possible for the children. Eldest ds already noticed he's not here and I've told them he has gone to nannas while we sort things out but I'm not sure what else to say. All DCs in garden happily playing.

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CinnabarRed · 30/04/2014 17:33

Yes, he may ultimately lose the house. But - remember - why is that? If he were treating you properly then I very much doubt you would be contemplating the end of your marriage. He is the architect of whatever happens to him.

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 19:45

Thanks all for the replies.
I've emailed local letting agents and been on entitled to. Financially we will be ok but better if we leave this house and let him have it.
There are a few lets near us so moving wouldn't upset DCs schooling. Only issue is my job and the no housing benefit rules and the upfront money to get into a property.
Have emailed the letting agents detailing my needs and info about my family etc and it will only be half housing benefit if I'm allowed to run my business from the property.
I suppose I now wait and see if something comes up.
No contact from dh and DCs haven't really asked although dd age 8 did ask when she could hug daddy again. I just don't know what to say to them.

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myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 20:03

Please get legal advice before making decisions about the house.

Nothing has to be decided right away.

Honestly, I think if you are up front with the letting agent then you should be able to find somewhere under your circumstances. I am a LL and I would not hesitate on taking you on as a tenant. HB or not.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2014 20:09

NO! DO NOT leave the family home! Finding a landlord willing to let to you when you are dependent on benefits is very hard indeed. Harder than you may imagine if you've never had to do it yourself before. Combine that with not having a month's rent in advance and a month's rent as a deposit (as an absolute minimum, some landlords ask for six weeks) plus a couple of hundred in agent's fees and whatnot you're going to need a sizeable amount stashed in savings. Which you do not currently have at your disposal.

The family home is for the family and that equals your children. If anyone should go into rented, it needs to be him

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 20:55

I guess the ball is in his court really. If he wants to keep his house he either needs to find somewhere for me and DCs and pay all the upfront OR he needs to continue paying mortgage etc for here and find something he can afford.

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Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 22:14

No contact at all from anyone so really do not know if he is at his mums or not. When he's left before she has always rang with the 'poor son' chat! Guess this isn't a good sign.
Have double locked all doors and left keys in so he cannot enter at all.
Ds had respite tonight and his carer told me he had said he thinks his dads left home for good. He hadn't said anything to me.
This is gonna be the killer isn't it.... Why can't I protect my DCs :0(

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AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:19

You can, and you will

Be a strong mummy and rebuild your life in the way you want it now. It's the best example you can give them.

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 30/04/2014 22:34

Thanks anyfucker, I'm actually a very old poster here. Been here for a decade but as he knows my normal username I've set up this new one to try and figure out what the hell happens next ! Sleep now for me. Have a 10 hour day to work through tomorrow and then lots of questions from DCs again no doubt :0(

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AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:36

Take care and keep posting x

skyeskyeskye · 30/04/2014 23:13

www.landregistry.gov.uk/public/divorce-and-separation

This link tells you how to register an interest in a marital home that you don't own.

Ask some letting agencies about HB. Landlords round here aren't keen either but some will accept tenants on it if they have good credit history and good character references .

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 02/05/2014 06:56

No contact what so ever. I would normally say he is a good dad but he left here 1pm on Wednesday and hasn't contacted the kids at all. Am off to local council today. Not sure they can help me but you never know I suppose.

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BathroomDrama · 02/05/2014 07:47

Really you need to stay put. Stop letting your emotions rule your head. Yes he has this house before you were together, but tough - you now have children to raise and you need to do that in your home, not a rental property where you could get evicted at anytime. He will have much more flexibility to deal with renting - both financially & physically. Of course many people rent because they have to (& some because they choose to), but many people also have huge problems renting & the lack of stability it brings. You say you have been here years - surely you have seen enough of that on MN?!

I am very sorry you are going through this and it is embarrassing and umcomfortable - even though it shouldn't be :( but you have to claim everything you need to and stay put, think of your kids - think of it as their home. Their needs trump his everytime.

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 02/05/2014 11:22

Spent the morning at the council offices there was a 'housing drop in'
So I've basically been told that yes I need to stay and there was a solicitor there who advised that husband needs to get a letter from solicitor detailing he lives else where and that he will continue to pay mortgage. Once I have this letter I can claim as a single parent so will get some help to pay council tax and an increase in tax credits which will help cover the rest of the bills I will have to take over.
I'm a mess. Husband got very angry on the phone. Said he hated me which hurt like hell.
He wants to see the DCs tomorrow but eldest is at respite. Part of me doesn't want him to and then I know they are missing him but obviously eldest won't get to see him and I don't want eldest to feel left out.

I reckon I'm having a breakdown

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Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 02/05/2014 17:25

After sending some highly charged emotional texts to him I have had no reply. I'm all smiles now kids are home but have spent the afternoon in a right mess. Roll on bedtime.

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Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 03/05/2014 11:20

Evening didn't go as planned. Dd aged 8 asked about her dad. I said he was staying at his mums house for a little while but he was coming to see her tomorrow. She freaked out. I let her ring him but he wasn't at his mums. After ringing and texting his phone he eventually came round and spoke to dd who seemed a lot calmer. He tried to say I had stopped him seeing her but that was not true and he said he felt too scared to come round. When dd had gone to bed he turned on me. Apparently I'm a shit wife. I do nothing for him and that's why he hates me.
He eventually left at 9 last night after a blazing row with no conclusion.

He's having the kids for a few hours today. Ds13 isn't bothered, dd8 says she is worried and ds2 is oblivious to it all.

Me? I'm lost. Stuck in a house that's his and with children who are seeing all of it. Both the younger ones slept in bed with me last night so I'm tired today.

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countingto10 · 03/05/2014 11:31

You need to get some legal advice first thing Tuesday as that will help you feel more in control of things. Do not engage with other than to do with contact with the DCs.

It's the bank holiday, can you plan to do something fun with the DCs? You may not feel like it but put your fun face on. And then maybe a nice relaxing evening with the DCs in front of Britains Got Talent, with popcorn or pizza? It is really these little things that make you feel a bit better. Maybe a bubble bath for you when the DCs have gone to bed. When I was going through something similar a bath calmed me down a bit (a bit like a baby ).

You are doing well but please don't engage with him again, this was the mistake I made, he is being nasty to you and about you as he has to justify to himself and others why he has walked out on you and the DCS. Do not try and understand this - you cannot make sense out of nonsense!

Take care.

oldgrandmama · 03/05/2014 11:58

What countingto10 said ^^ He's doing the usual, nasty things men do in his situation. DON'T engage with him and do get legal advice first thing next week. You are actually in a much stronger position by staying put in the house.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/05/2014 12:01

You are NOT staying in a house which is his. This is your family's home, it is an asset of your marriage and became so the moment you tied the knot. Don't feel guilty as your children need a secure roof over their heads and they have one.

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 03/05/2014 12:02

Legal advice was gained yesterday at a drop in. Have passed this info into him. I need a solicitors letter from him declaring he no longer lives at this address and that he agrees to pay mortgage as maintenance. Once he does this I will take over paying everything else.

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countingto10 · 03/05/2014 12:54

It sounds like you have out the ball in his court waiting for him to produce a solicitors letter . Please get a firm of solicitors onto him, you cannot live in limbo, you need something legal drawn up as he could stop paying the mortgage at anytime.

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 03/05/2014 13:09

I don't qualify for legal aid. The cost if that letter is just over £200. (That's average after ringing 3 solicitors) and that's just initial consultation and letter. I haven't got that money. I went to bank yesterday to try and extend my loan but they won't consider it till September.

OP posts:

Original poster

lifeisastruggle · 03/05/2014 13:12

I am stuck. Without £ I cannot appoint a solicitor.
I am in limbo.
I'm now sat here waiting for him to turn up at 2pm and am terrified he won't return the children at 5 like has been agreed.
I also asked him last night when he would like to see the children this week (it's youngests birthday this week) and he said he didn't know :0(

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/05/2014 13:46

lifeis sending you a PM for info.

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