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Original poster

Trying to get back on track...is this it?

30 replies

Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 13:02

Been with dp four years and have a 12 month dd.

About a year in when were were arguing a lot he stated messaging girls on facebook, asking how they were, are they still with there bf? Nothing untoward but it made me feel uncomfortable - I felt he was fishing as it was basically ' hi xxx, how are you? Are you still with your boy friend?

I found these when we had got back on track and after a row, put them to back of my mind.

Fast forward to now, generally we have had a fun, happy relationship, very tactile. Although I was tired most of the time and didn't fancy making love, it dropped to once a week. He said I didn't fancy him any more he got really upset snout this one night and part of that is true but I think that's more down to the fact I don't respect him as much because I feel like I'm having to look after him like a child.

We had an almighty row and he walked out for a week.

During the week he called round to see dd and I asked to check his phone as I had a feeling he had been messaging girls again. He wouldn't ket me see and walked out.

We eventually sorted it out and he admitted that he had messaged a girl but It was work related but he deleted it 'as he knew I would get mad' Hmm

I asked him how he would feel if I deleted messages he wanted to see - " he said he would walk and I deserve better" Hmm

We both discussed we didn't want to split up. But nothing's changed. I feel angry he left us for a week and got to walk straight back in. I don't trust him. I dont trust the way he feels about me any more. Think he is here just for dd.

He used to kiss me when he got in from work and ask how my day was. That doesn't happen now.

This morning dh just kissed dd and walked out . He only really cuddles me in bed when he wants sex but I'm no where nearly in the mood for that.

I just feel like he is going through the motions.

I want us to be in that good place but it's like the spark has gone. I don't know what to do.

Any wise words?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/04/2014 13:09

Asking ex g/f's if they are free is nothing untowards, it is in my book, he's clearly looking for any opportunity to cheat on you, no wonder you don't feel happy and are resentful, he's a complete wanker, he probably left for the week and went on a mission to try and pull some other woman.

Sorry but you need to tell him how his behaviour is totally unacceptable and it's him who needs to be proving to you that he's worthy of having you!

There is no trust there because he has made it 100% apparent he's not to be trusted, I'd be looking to move on from being in a relationship with him, it sounds dead in the water.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 13:14

He's taking the piss. You've only been together four years, were arguing after one, and he's been sniffing around other women probably all that time. You talk about 'back on track' and 'putting it to the back of your mind' which is another way of saying 'burying your head in the sand hoping it all goes away'. He's made zero changes to his behaviour, he's lying and he's taking the piss.

This is the inevitable result. You're miserable and you can't trust him. If you've ruled out a split congratulations! this little merry-go-round of you ignoring the obvious and him taking it for granted that you will keep putting up with it is going to keep spinning until one day he gets off with one of his little conquests and you're left holding the baby.

Jan45 · 30/04/2014 13:29

Cog is spot on, as ever.

Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 14:30

Sorry for the l

OP posts:
Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 14:33

Ah too soon -
Had a surprise visitor so couldn't reply sooner .

Gah it's all gone tits up. Don't know where to start to sort this mess out. I posted about the messages before and got told I was being paranoid Confused

What a prick Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:01

Panicking about one message might indicate an overreaction. Your original post mentioned several messages over various time-frames, he's walked out for a week, admitted to lying, emotionally distant.... essentially, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it ain't no chicken.

Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:15

I know cog
I don't think he is/had an affair, although I do t know. It's like he has just checked out but going through the role.

Last night I said to him as he was going to bed "you do t live me anymore do you? His response was " no, you don't love me" then walked up the stairs.

When I went after him I said " why did you say that? He just said "what"? As if he could have forgotten in the space of ten seconds.

He just says I'm tired which is his get out clause for every thing.

The difference in our relationship is like black and white. We have never been this emotionally apart.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:18

You know why he said that? Because it's easier for him to go sniffing around other women if he has it all rationalised away in his head that Anywhichway doesn't love him. Never mind that you've produced a lovely daughter etc, you don't have sex with him every five minutes... what more proof does he need? Hmm

Cheats always find a way to justify their choices.

Jan45 · 30/04/2014 15:25

How can you respect and trust a man that is blatantly chasing women on Facebook trying to find out if they are available, if that's not the biggest kick in the boot as to how he sees you and his relationship, I don't know what is.

If you can't get 100% respect from your partner, what's the point.

Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:27

I think your right.

Where now? What now? Just doesn't seem right limping out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:31

jan he just said it was work colleagues he'd not seen for ages and was striking up a convo - even typing it I feel stupid .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 15:32

He keeps lying, gaslighting you and if he isn't shagging ow yet he soon will be

You keep taking him back and burying your head in the sand....why ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:35

You actually a lot of choices beyond limping (wimping?) out. There are times in life where you reach forks in the road and you have to look at all the options in front of you - some will be easier paths than others - and try to work out where you'll end up if you take that particular route. FWIW you will never regret making a conscious decision even if it turns out to be a bad one. You will, however, regret it if you pass up the opportunity, make no decision and hope it all goes away again.

Jan45 · 30/04/2014 15:40

OP, you know yourself he's sniffing about that's why he wouldn't dare let you look at his phone, he's about as trustworthy as David Cameron.

I think the fact that this has been left unchallenged has resulted in him thinking he can pretty much do as he pleases, including disappearing for a week.

Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:43

It's hard any because we rarely argue, had mostly fun loving times and my friends and family think it's all hearts and roses. ( I know I'm looking for excuses)

My past relationships have been physically and mentally abusive so I keep comparing them to this.

In the four years together we have only had two rocky patches. When he lost his job and we were arguing about money and he was messaging those girls then . And this patch now . That's how I knew he would have messaged some one.

His dad had affairs on his DM all through their relationship . I don't want to end up like mil. Dp swore he was never like his dad. When I compared them and said they were a like he went mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:45

cog I feel I'm at that point now. After him leaving this morning, when he bent over and kissed dd who was on my lap, I was waiting for mine and he just walked off.

I know that sounds stupid, but it's usual for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 15:45

Unusual *

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/04/2014 15:55

Sorry but you caught him messaging other women, when confronted he buggered off for a week and also refused to let you see his phone, it's all pretty much on his terms isn't it, until you actually stand up and tell him you are no longer accepting this treatment then when you hit the next rocky patch he'll be back to his old tricks I'd imagine, it doesn't seem to take much.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 15:57

when you compared him with his father, you touched a nerve there....

Well I suppose you could stay with him, make do with whatever charm he reserved just for you and accept that he is looking to sow it more widely when the opportunity presents itself

It doesn't sound like that's what you are after though, and that you deserve better than that

LavenderGreen14 · 30/04/2014 17:20

And if you do stay with him he will become more emotionally distant and treat you with less kindness and respect. It isn't really a good model for your daughter to see - she will think that is what relationships are like and will end up with a man like her father - it will keep perpetuating won't it. unless you stop it now.

It doesn't matter what it looks like to others - you are ignored and have no self esteem and are unhappy - every day you stay with him is a day you could be happy either alone or with someone else one day. You shouldn't have to ask him to notice you. Luckily you have only had 4 years with him - what if you stay for another 16 - what an awful waste that would be.

stillrollingwiththetimes · 30/04/2014 17:25

You know OP, it's not a sin to stop loving someone, it happens Smile , and your posts do sound as if youve stopped loving him. You say you don't fancy him and you don't respect him as much because "I feel like I'm having to look after him like a child." Is it possible that you are subconsciously dragging up the old fights as an excuse?

ladyblablah · 30/04/2014 18:25

Flogging a dead horse

Original poster
Anywhichway · 30/04/2014 22:33

So I asked to talk to him when he got in and he sat at the side of me all pally pally.

I asked if he really wanted to be with me and it turns out he doesn't ! Apparently not wanted to since Christmas . Don't touch him in bed blah blah fuckng blah.

He actually dumped me.

Fuckng heartbroken

He has left to stay in a hotel .

One fuckng year dd has been here. What a fuckng coward .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:51

Sorry to see your update Sad

I am glad you forced the issue though. You knew something was wrong so well done for not letting him carry disrespecting you x

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:51

carry on