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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do i do now??

26 replies

carr98 · 30/04/2014 10:04

This is going to be a little confusing because i cant/don't want to share details as i am still processing it all. Up until saturday night i was in a happy marriage of 17 years we have 3 school age children, a home with a mortgage and our lives and finances are intertwined as you would expect, then on saturday night something happened and now i feel i cant live with him anymore i cant bear to even look at him, he knows he was wrong because he hasn't tried to ask why i am behaving this way i barely speak 2words to him. My question is can i survive on my own? I am self employed and earn little he is the majority bread winner i don't think i could afford to take on the house and 3children (children not optional they will be with me regardless). Then i need to ask him to leave at the moment he works shift and is doing lots of over time so hardly here.....do i carry on like this until the children are older or at least until my daughter has finished her gcse (july). It all feels a bit scary and i cant speak to my family as they will want to know details i am not ready to share. I don't expect any answers from you guys i think i just needed to write it all down try and get it all straight in my mind.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/04/2014 10:08

I think you should ask him to leave, even if only temporary while you process what has happened.

If you are to have primary care of the DCs then you and they can remain in the family home and he will be expected to contribute to that.

Nevertheless, unless you can be totally civil to one another, living apart is the priority.

oldiebutnctoday · 30/04/2014 10:12

So sorry for you op. The short answer is yes you can and will survive on your own, many people do, it might be hard to start with but it's better than being miserable with your partner and your kids will adjust. As for when to make the move re gcse's that's a tricky one, I guess it depends on how bad it is for you being with him and whether you could manage for a short time in the same house whilst maintaining some normality for the dc, do you have space to sleep separately etc? I know you don't feel ready to talk to your family yet but I'm sure they'll be more supportive than you imagine

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 10:16

Yes, you will survive. Until the GCSEs are over, why don't you ask him to move out and also use the time to gather information on your financial situation?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 10:16

I don't know what happened but it must have been very shocking for you to react this way. It's clear from your stream of consciousness post that you are running away with yourself thinking far ahead into the future and I think you're scaring yourself in the process.

Please take one step at a time giving yourself the chance to calm down, regroup and think in between each step. If you want him to leave, for example, that would be a good start. Nothing else has to change for a while and it'll give you time to think.

Do you have any RL support in the form of friends or family? Anyone you'd feel comfortable sharing this information with?

meditrina · 30/04/2014 10:17

As GCSEs are starting, and will be over by July, then I think waiting until then is a valid option. Only you can decide if it would be the right one, and much will depend on what the atmosphere in the house if likely to be like during that time.

If you wait, you can use the time to research your practical finance/admin options and put new arrangements in place, and he can find somewhere new to live.

You cannot however assume that the DC will be with you 'regardless'. Get proper advice.

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 10:18

Also, I think you should share the secret with someone, either one trusted friend in real life or on here. Otherwise it becomes something that can't be spoken about and as a secret kind of gathers power that it doesn't deserve.

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 10:26

Whatever it is that he has done it does come across as having been a huge shock to you.

I think it would be wise to share this. Maybe even if you just ring the Samaratins rather than a close friend.

When you are ready you could go and get legal advice, have a chat with the CAB.

Would he move out for a while if you asked him to? I am sure you would feel better if he was not around and able to think more clearly.

Original poster

carr98 · 30/04/2014 10:37

I cant share i am too embarrassed to speak to friends and my family would want to kill him i just cant.....this is the first time i have stopped and had time to think and i cant stop crying....i keep thinking with time we could get through it but everytime i see him i just feel angry. My children would stay with me i dont think he would fight me he works away alot so not practical for him to have them ...i dont know if he would leave i think he probabily would i think he is sorry although he hasnt said so

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 10:40

I take it he is home at the moment? Does he go away to work soon?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 10:40

Maybe if you sketched out here a non-specific (no identifying details) idea of what it is he's done and how it's affecting you, maybe the anonymity of MN could offer you the support that you feel unable to seek in real life?

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 10:41

And whatever he has done, there is no need for you to feel embarrassed. You did nothing!

struggling100 · 30/04/2014 10:45

OP, I am not digging for details at all, as you are not ready to share and I absolutely don't want to put you under any pressure to do so. However, with such a sudden change, I can't help wondering if what your husband did was really bad and might place you or your children in danger. If that is the case, I think you need to get out of there ASAP.

If, on the other hand, you are disgusted by something you've found out about him that doesn't affect your safety but does influence your opinion of him, taking a patient approach wouldn't hurt. It may be that counselling might help, and research into the options open to you will really help to answer the question about what life will look like on your own.

bragmatic · 30/04/2014 10:47

So, you're basically not communicating at all? It must be stressful on everyone, including the children.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 30/04/2014 10:49

I think you need to take it one step at a time because it is a lot to take in, all in one go.

The short answer is yes if course you can survive without him.

ThePost · 30/04/2014 10:50

Are you OK? Are you safe living with your DH? If your physical or mental safety is compromised by him living at home, I'd reconsider waiting until July.

LavenderGreen14 · 30/04/2014 11:00

If you are not safe then please get him out now. GCSEs can be retaken. If you need the police or Women's Aid then take action today.

But on a practical note - I am self employed - I get working tax credits and maintenance - and am better off. I know where every penny goes and I don't have him spending half his salary on drink and goodness knows what else. You can survive alone both emotionally and financially.

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 11:05

So the priorities appear to be ensuring that you are physically safe and, two, emotionally safe. I'm getting the impression that you are physically safe from harm but under immense emotional strain.

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 11:08

I think a few of us are trying to strike the balance between not putting you under pressure and encouraging you to talk to someone. Samaritans is a good idea, or choose somebody on here to PM. The goal is not for us to get any details but for you to get things off your chest.

I have kept some shameful secret memories, thought I just couldn't talk about them out loud, and now suffer from very intrusive thoughts.

myroomisatip · 30/04/2014 17:28

Are you ok OP?

Jbck · 30/04/2014 17:37

It is hard to know what to say with so little detail to be honest (not asking you to post it) but if the incident is something that you've always thought was unforgivable in a relationship say him sleeping with someone else as an example then you need to assess if it really is the end and move forward accordingly.

If it's something that you think you may be able to get past given time and a lot of talking then you need to make him understand this and that he may need to leave in the interim.

If it's a safety issue for you or your DCs then you need to ask him to leave or you may need to go yourselves.

Is there no one in RL that you could confide in who won't judge you or your H and can advise/assist you better as they are more fully informed?

Original poster

carr98 · 30/04/2014 21:43

I am feeling a bit better after a good cry, we are not in danger it was something that happened between us and does not put my dcs in danger i am sorry i cant talk about it its not to be intriguing i just cant bring myself to it.....i dont think it will happen again i think he is as disgusted as i am he is back tomorrow then gone for a few days so i have some space to think clearly the children are unaware of anything i am being very careful infront of them - thank you for all your replies its all really helped :-)

OP posts:

Vivacia · 01/05/2014 07:02

There's normally only one thing that causes this reaction on here. I really hope you can get to a better place.

Vivacia · 01/05/2014 07:20

I may be way off, but if I'm not, I have some info which may be helpful. Can't see how to PM you, but I may be able to reply if you PM me first.

No worries if you don't, just take care.

mummytime · 01/05/2014 07:29

Okay I may be thinking the same as Vivacia - however I would suggest you phone a specialist counselling service if I am correct, if you can't find the phone number of one or can't type the key word into Google, then try phoning the Samaritans - they will be able to advise you and are not just there for people about to kill themselves.
If I am correct, just tell him he has to go while you deal with it. If he is feeling guilty he might do this.

As for your DD, a disruption of a parent moving out is less stressful than having a mother who is on the edge all the time.

Can you talk to a GP?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2014 07:34

I hope this doesn't apply to you but IME when people are reluctant to put a name to the thing that has happened, when they choose to keep the 'disgusting' thing secret and hide their emotions from the DCs etc, it's because they know others will automatically say 'LTB'... and they're not ready to hear that yet. It adds up to a lot of stress and a feeling of isolation so I hope you do find someone to confide in for your own sake.

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