is early/mid 50s too old to father kids?

[lagoon]

I'm nearly 28 and in a relationship with a man who is 48. He already has grown up kids and I have one child. We have discussed kids and both would like them. We wouldn't be properly ready (practically speaking) to have a baby for another few years due to one reason or another, and the other day it dawned on me that he would be early in his early 50s by this time came. I am totally besotted with this man, despite age gap we are such a good match in every way. He loves the idea of having a baby, he is the sort that loves to be busy and feels he has so much still to give. But I have this mental niggle of discomfort about having a baby with someone at this age for a variety of my own reasons. I so wish the time was right already, as the age he is now seems to be just within my comfort zone. I just don't know what to do. Will he be too old? Am I crazy? Friends tell me to leave him and find someone younger but it's not as easy as that when I already love him. I have tried to imagine life without any more babies and it makes me feel empty and sad. Stuck between a rock and hard place. Any thoughts?

I have a friend who is in his mid 60s with a 4 year old (who is younger than his grandchildren born to his early 30s daughter form his first marriage!). Unconventional to say the least but it works for them and he is loving fatherhood this time round and appreciating it so much more.

My 10 month dd has a 51 year old daddy!
If hes fit and active go for it, ill health can happen at any age.

There is a 17 year age gap between me and my husband and we had our first daughter last year. Although my husband will be 48 this year, he is a wonderful father and is 100% supportive, taking on a lot of the childcare whilst I run my business. Whilst I understand that we will inevitably slow down when we're older, I don't see that age is that big a problem. Surely the most important thing is providing a loving, stable family environment for a child? There are plenty of 20 and 30 year olds who make dreadful fathers!

I am wary of large age gaps, but I will answer the question, not get sidetracked!

Practical factors: do you work? Who will get up in the night? How does he cope with no sleep? How set is he in his ways and routines? How much will be really be able to adapt and support when baby comes along?

I don't want to out myself, but I would really try to nail these questions. Does he want a baby because he wants to keep you happy, or is he really, truly going to support you? I know you have raised one child on your own, but raising a child with a non-supportive partner is another matter. Plus, it is harder with two dc and an age gap between them.

can't see a problem with it myself. be sure you want him though. you'll be tying yourself to an old man.

My df was 50 when I was born, and dh's was in his late 50s (both second families). They were both good dads, I think, and any short-comings they did have were just them being them, and not age related. The only sad thing as that they will not be alive to really see my dd into adulthood, as she adores them and they both adore her. But that is not the sort of reason that should be a deal breaker. I would definitely go for it in your situation!

My mum was told by many friends not to marry a man 16 years older than her, as she would be left a widow young, and he would be too old to be a 'proper' father. Luckily she ignored them, he was 46 when I was born (I was the youngest of 4, all born within 6 years) and was a great father. They had 51 amazingly happy years, and in fact it was my mum who died first at only 73, my Dad was 102 when he died 18 months ago and still living mostly independently in his own home. He used to say that having a young family kept him young far longer than his contemporaries!

19 year age gap here, I'm 31, dh 50, our 14 month old whirlwind dd is asleep for now dh has a 15 ds who spends 50/50 time between us and his mum. Dh says he's doing more now with dd than he ever did with ds (various reasons) he loves it, she keeps him young and we've been together 11 years now so are happy we work well together. :)

My dad was 50 when I was born. He is now 80, in poor health and has regrets that he is unlikely to have much time with any grandchildren. I do envy my friends their fit, 60-something fathers.

DP was 52 when ds was born and 55, nearly 56 with dd. kids are 7 and 3. I'm 16 years younger. It's his only family. I'm not going to lie, it's bloody hard on me but that is in part because dp has had health problems since a year after we met when he was nearly 41 and I was 24. We also had fertility probs whic h delayed kids. Not having grandparents around now on his side and only my mum on mine, and she is sliding into old age properly now with deterioration in memory, means there is little support other than what I have through friends who also lack family nearby. I'm also the main breadwinner as he is self employed in a creative profession.

You say your dp is fit and well and an active person. It's not impossible by any means but as others have said there's a big difference between 48 and 60. There are no guarantees in life but think very carefully about if you are prepared to carry the burden alone if something happens. You're obviously used to that so I guess you might be going into this with a clearer picture than a non parent. I also think don't delay. Other things can wait but you never get time back. I also speak as someone who lost my father at 24 when he was 59, so I know having kids at a "proper" age doesn't always mean they'll be around for grandchildren. I worry that I'm going to put my kids through a similar or worse experience.

Good luck if you decide to go for it. One thing I would say for dp is he is not an old fart by any means and seems years younger in attitude than his peers and indeed many people decades younger than him. It helps a lot.

My dad was 63 when my older sister was born, 64 for me, 67 for my younger sister and 69 for my younger brother. He too had other kids long since grown.

I don't feel like my life was negatively affected by his age growing up but we did just lose him at 93 y/o in 2012, I had just turned 29. That sucked but I'm sure it sucks at any age.

We have been thinking about this, we are 43 and 45 and would love more kids, we have 2 each 4, 8, 8, 9 and have decided that it is too late for us sadly. By the time they would be leaving home we would be mid 60's at the earliest - so it would mean putting off retiring etc for up to an extra decade in order to pay for everthing - plus an extra 100k per child if they go into higher education. So sadly for us we have decided that it is too late.

My ex father in law has had 2 kids in his 60's from wife 3 - and his health is failing fairly rapidly. In all honestly we all feel rather sorry for the kids as they are getting a pretty poor deal. The mum is out working and the dad is making a piss poor job of being a SAHD.

Very insightful replies, interesting to read everyone's experiences good and bad. The reason we aren't ready just yet ShoeWhore is mainly because it just feels a little early, didn't rush to introduce OH to my DC and things like that. Although factoring in TTC time and 9 months of pregnancy who knows how it could be til it actually happened...
Bluebell I have discussed with him MANY times (think he is sick of me asking now) as to whether he is sure he actually wants a baby or whether he is just obliging to make me happy and keep me, and he has always been insistent that he feels a natural desire to do it all again and create a new little life.... You've all given me lots to consider!

I think it's fine when the kids are smaller, but my ex's dad was nearing 70 when he turned 18 and in relatively poor health. My ex found it so hard, had very little fatherly support and had to face the idea of his dad dying much sooner than he was mature enough to handle. It's not what I would choose for my kids, but then nobody knows how things will turn out- my mum had me at 27 but then became life threatening ill when I was 14.

how long do people in his family live for? if they have tended to die young, that would make me think twice tbh.

I can't see that it makes a difference, yes ideally we'd all like to have our parents around to see us into adulthood and to be a part of our DCs' lives, but my parents had me at a sensible age and both died in their 50s. I know of several families where there is still a grandparent alive, but no parents. Sadly it is too common.

Plenty of people develop unexpected health conditions in their younger years which may impede their ability to care for young DCs. Nobody knows what the future holds. If you both want to have a dc then you should.

He feels a "desire" does not mean that he should go ahead and do so.

One of the thing of learning to be an adult is when to say "no", and that includes moral decisions of this type. The fact that he can't do it, or held back from deciding this, is something that I would indeed consider and actually question. I was talking to my ex, and we commented on a friend of his. The guy out of sincerity and loyalty to his 2nd partner, went ahead and had a vasectomy. That is a very mature decision in my eyes. It means to me that he has decided that is his duty in his lifetime to be there for his 2 children. What he earns now, he gives some to his ex partner for the well being of his first child, and then some for his second child in his current marriage. He also married young too.

To be honest, I agree with your family and friends. I wonder if you could see yourself through their eyes and if you could be mature and see and make decisions which actually is at the core of you. He is 20 years older than you. Ask yourself truthfully if you are doing the right thing, and if he is also doing the right thing too, than to just going along with it. Even though his answer is a very diplomatic one.

It is innately for humans to have moral values, and moral decisions. If this question and doubt is inside of you, it must be there as a guide, then listen to it. If you felt that this is absolutely right and just, I dare say that you would not have to ask us for our opinions, and for validations and reassurances too.

I know that I personally would not date someone 20 years older. I did have ex-colleagues who are much older than I. When I socialised with them, I felt that was the "normal", but I also realised that in doing so, I miss out on actual learning and growing up too. Even though all my peers had such dramas. Learning self control and learning to go with the flow of what you should do for the age that you are is key.

Do not try and be one of these people who find common pain as part of the relationship. Or to let other people an opportunity that they can "do right what once went wrong" before and let them live their mistake through you now. It won't end in happiness.

The two most important considerations are is your relationship stable enough to introduce a child and do you actually want a child? If you can both answer yes to that, you're head and shoulders above half the parents already out there TBH.

I wouldn't get too hung up on details such as his age. I always think of two men I know who are the same age (mid 60s). One plays golf and tennis, goes for daily walks with his dogs, leads a full and active life and is young at heart. The other has retired and spends most of his time in front of the TV. He's not been much different since he was 40 although he had to go to work prior to hitting retirement age. Age is largely a state of mind, it really is, and while energy does deplete as you get older, enough of it can always be mustered by the highly motivated. If he really wants a child, he'll find enough energy to cope (not necessarily easily, but he will).

All that said, he is more likely to become ill or incapacitated and it may well affect plans for retirement age. Therefore, you would be foolish not to factor in contingency plans to cope with those sorts of scenarios.

Finally - or perhaps do it first - ask yourself why you want a child. If there is a sense of 'completing' your relationship, it's not a bad thing that you'll have to hold off for a couple of years. When you fall head over heels in love with someone it's quite a natural occurrence to feel the urge to procreate with them. It's nature's way of ensuring the species survives and it can feel very powerful. But you may find that a child feels far less important to you another 18 months down the line.

Ultimately, whatever you do you'll do, and like all of us you'll find a way of spinning that in your head to make it the right decision so don't agonise too much.

You also have to remember and think in the far future, how do you explain to your child why his or her dad has these illnesses, and why was he or she so old. On top of this, would he be upset on this aspect, or would he have to worry about looking after you guys as well too. Which then stops him or her having a life. If you want a child, do not make it from a selfish standpoint, but make it from a joyful standpoint. What can you bring to the world, and how can you make this person's life good.

Question has to be ,will the child/children be able to deal with a parental death at 8-15 years old , There are plenty of precedents that suggest its not an easy path....................

I understand the dilemma; basically the relationship is too new to consider dc, but his age means you can't really afford to wait too long.

I think the point about wanting to create a new little life is interestingly put, because it is so much more than that. Does he desire sleepless nights, the lack of time for you as a couple, the pressure on your respective r/s with your existing dc as you have less time and the dynamic changes. New life is wonderful, yes, but how hot is he on practicalities or is that your domain?

My ex loves dc2, but he didn't want his life to change. It was carnage. He is now a committed EOW dad but 24/7 supportive parenting and any smidgeon of loss of sleep was beyond what he could cope with. He was 50, btw, when dc was born. His idea of creating new life was the kudos and joy of being a dad; but not the reality.

If that sounds bitter, btw, it is because I may well be!!