feeling a bit hopeless

[dontcallmehon22]

I split up with h of 7 years last April. He can't have our 3 dc overnight ever as he lives with mil and she says there's no room. If he has them, it's at my house. He makes a mess, smokes outside and chucks his fag butts all over my garden. If I complain, he shouts and storms off. He has no boundaries. I work weekends and need some support in terms of childcare.

I work evenings and weekends as a tutor. I llike the job, but the hours make life tough, both as a parent and as a person trying to get life on track. Ds starts school in September, so I thought I'd do a couple of days a week supply and maybe free up a weekend day.

I met someone online in October and fell madly in love. I thought for a change, things were looking up. We adored eeach other. We went to Paris. He told me he'd never felt like this about anyone before. I believed him. It brought a little bit of joy into my life. But he hated my ex being in my house. He had a huge problem with it. I didn't know what to do. I felt under pressure from all sides. New man didn't have dc and I think it was too much. It ended, very nastily and angrily

I contacted him recently, saying I've been struggling to move on as I have so many unanswered questions. I asked if he'd be prepared to meet me to answer them - no agenda except closure for me and to clear the air.

No reply.

I just feel a bit hopeless. I'm sitting cuddling ds and telling myself that one day soon everything will be ok. I keep looking at friends with their happy marriages and wish I could have that too.

I've been on some dates but no one interests me and I don't know if anything could ever work with my dc and my situation.

When recent ex left me, he sent a text to say that I might be ready for a relationship, but my situation certainly wasn't and no man would cope with it .

Sorry it's so long. I don't know how to move forward.

don't no useful advice except that it is a really shitty feeling when you feel trapped in the past and unable to move on. especially when it seems that everyone else manages to be having a normal life and you feel left behind.

don't know what to say except be kind to yourself and focus on you. the happier you are and the more you love yourself the more happy your children will be and the more likely you are to attract someone positive into your life. xxxxx

also having exh in your house sounds very stressful. also it means that you don't get any quality relaxation time child free which is really tough... my exh has zero contact and I find it so hard... and must admit to being quite jealous at times of others whose kids go off EOW or whatever. .. I wish!!!

I hope so white.

I'm struggling to be happy. When I'm out I'm the 'crazy' friend. But it's a persona. Then I go home and sob.

It is tough. I don't know how to deal with it.

I think we are all guilty of that... being a different person behind closed doors. I really wish I had people like you in real life to share with... it would make things seem soooooo much better x

I know. I don't know where I'd be without the support on here. I just want to be mentally free to move on.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and having a hard time.

I mean this very gently, but I think to some extent your NM-X is right. Your life is not in a stage where a new relationship is appropriate for you right now. I can't see how it would work either.

I sympathise hugely, because I know just how hard it is to find and afford childcare when you have very young DC, especially if you want that support on weekends. However, to my mind nothing will change for you and you won't be able to "move forward" until your X no longer has access to your home. I know that won't be easy to orchestrate, but it really is important.

While your X has access to your home he is in your space and you are not free. It blurs boundaries and you need rock-solid boundaries when dealing with the sort of X who will stomp off in a strop if you dare to tackle him for unacceptable behaviour like littering your garden.

As long as you rely on your X for childcare, he has the option to use it as a means to control you and keep you dependent on him and his "benevolence". That's fine if your X is a decent man who treats you with respect and values the best interests of the child as much as you do. Not so good with a man like your X.

If your X can't find somewhere to have the DC overnight, he either needs to find one or accept he can't have the DC overnight. He is a grown man. You didn't have the option of saying "oh well, I won't have the kids anymore as it's too difficult to find somewhere to live big enough for us all". Plenty of non-resident parents don't have accommodation suitable for DC to stay on a permanent basis but they manage for one or two nights a week. Your X just hasn't made it a priority because why would he when he can live for a presumably much-reduced cost with his mother and can see his kids in your house, eating your food and using your amenities while also conveniently being able to keep tabs on you and therefore have some control over your life. I can almost guarantee that if there was something he really wanted that required him to move out of his DM's place, he would. I also suspect very strongly that if he wanted his DC at his DM's place that badly, he'd make that happen, too.

You haven't set yourself free from this man yet, so it's unsurprising any new relationship can't make it.

Don't feel bad about that. It doesn't make you a weak person; just another mother who, by trying to do right by her DC and keep the father involved, has taken her eye off her own wellbeing. Nor are you trapped in this situation forever. For every year your DC get older, you can claim back a little more independence.

For now, if you can find anyway of organising childcare independent of your X, do so. It will transform your life despite the difficulties involved. If you don't think you can afford it, don't be afraid of trying reciprocal arrangements with other working parents (single or otherwise).

Best of luck.

I do have a babysitter who does some of the childcare. Maybe I'll just have to pay.

Hi Dont I know you from the dating thread but wanted to post here as wonderful as the dating thread is it can be a bit confusing as so fast moving.

All I want to say is " This too will pass" and you WILL meet someone else, no matter what your circumstances you WILL find someone right for you

How do I know this? Because I felt like you do for a long long time. My partner was abusive and had me believing nobody would put up with me because I had so many faults and I stayed with him because a) I believed I loved him and was totally hung up on him
B) I believed what he told me in the end
C) I thought better the devil you know and had forgotten what it felt like to be treated properly

When he left me behaving like Bastard Of The Century in the way he did it, guess what? I DID find someone else. So my ex was WRONG and I still can't believe how relaxed I am and able to be myself in this relationship because he likes ME. Oh and please give new men a chance even if you are not attracted initially because as long as you get on that attraction can grow, it did in my case. I wasn't sure at first because I had been madly physically attracted to my ex for the whole 4 years but with new man nothing to start with.

Finally how dare your ex say no man would cope with your situation someone most certainly WILL. Your ex should not tarnish every man with his own inadequacy

don't I think pounding may have a point.

Having exh hanging around probably isn't helping at all. was he abusive and/or controlling at all?

I don't know how much it will help but I am in a similar position in that my exh has no where to facilitate having the children so has them at my flat. I also have issues with him making a mess and often taking the piss with the situation. I don't consider it permanent but at the moment, and for the foreseeable, that's the way it is.

I have been in a new relationship for 18 months, and my partner is understanding and supportive (granted, he knew me as a friend before we were together, so maybe has better insight into my situation). I also had a shorter term relationship with a man who was very not okay with ex's involvement in my life, but did accept the situation.

If you feel like you would benefit from having your ex less involved in your life/home, then do it. But I just wanted to say that there will be people that care about you enough to accept your situation. Me and my partner are going to be moving in together. Ex will still occasionally (about once a month) be able to use our home (key locked bedroom for privacy and mess not acceptable). I have discussed this at length with new partner and told my ex about our plans.

Hi Don't,

i have followed your story on the dating thread - and first of all i'd say your recent ex-boyf sounds too immature to handle a proper relationship but there were a couple of aspects of the story that i think you might want to think on for the next relationship. Firstly, where there was aggro on a date in the pub and your ex-h ran you and your ex-boyf out of the pub. Secondly, when your ex-boyf stayed over and one of your children walked in on him in the bathroom. i'd say for the next relationship you do need to create good breathing space between your ex-h, your kids and your new boyf for a good amount of time, otherwise the stresses of ex-partners and kids can harm embryonic relationships. Love doesn't always conquer all

finally, you have done nothing wrong and you are clearly doing a great job for 3 kids where your ex-h is failing them - be good to yourself

Thanks all. I do think I want to create more space in a new relationship from my life at home. Just had a very fraught conversation with ex h. He's agreed to take the kids out all day Sunday and I'm going to try to put in some boundaries. But there may be the odd time that he has to come here. Hopefully, come September, I'll get more supply work and ds will be at school, so it'll be easier.

I've always been up front about my situation - but I guess some men can't handle it.

I feel like it's all a bit of a mess.

One problem is simply that I have no feelings for any men I meet.

The situation in the pub - I feel like I can't go out locally in case ex H is there. I don't think he'd cause trouble, but he's not over me. He was emotionally abusive and a heavy drinker/gambler. New man was a bit controlling too.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I was in a similar situation when my exh left. He used my house to see the dcs and it was horrible. I had to leave the house on sundays and wonder the streets until some kind friends gave me the keys to their house so I would have somewhere to go.

eventually I met a new dp and while he was very understanding he did point out that exh was still treating me as if we were married and he had two families, homes and wives. I was horrified so set about putting in place some boundaries and taking back some control.

in answer to my exh bleating about nowhere to go I gave him three months to sort it out after which time I would change the locks and he could no longer use my home. This gave me time to sort out childcare/work arrangements as well as he did look after them two evenings a week while I was at work.

He wasn't happy about it - he could no longer have his cake and eat it iyswim - but he did it and I got my life back. My new dp supported me throughout the process, without exerting demands in me I wasn't ready for. We took our time over the relationship and kept the children out of it - they knew about him but we weren't in their face about it. We are now all about to move in together (after a year of living in the next street) and getting married soon. I'm sure this will bring its own challenges but I am glad that I took control and went at my own pace. My Advice is that you try and do the same. If you are in control over what happens in your house then everything else will come more easily. Dont worry there are good men out there who dont run away at hr first challenge.

good luck

Thank you oneday

I guess it may just take some time.

I'm too scared to check my email as I don't think ex boyfriend will have replied. it doesn't really matter anyway, I guess. It's just not nice when you realise that someone who once loved you hates you.

Your ex boyfriend didn't like your ex hanging around but, by your own admission, neither do you!!! The man has to go. Not because of the ex boyfriend but because it's scuppering your moving on successfully and because you don't want him in the house. Yes, pay for childcare and don't rely on him for anything Do whatever it takes to get him properly out. That his accommodation is poor is neither here nor there. He has no motivation to improve it if he can still swan in and out playing Happy Families in your house and ruining your life in the process.

Dont I also know you from the dating thread and I advised against emailing your ex-bf, purely because the guy was emotionally abusive, treated you like crap, humiliated you in public and had issues with your kids, amongst other things. I felt that emailing him would be like handing control back over to your abuser ready for him to abuse you again, and none of us want to see you get hurt again.

However, I understand your need try and get answers and to get closure so you can move on, and in order to do that you messaged him. So now you need to check your emails, otherwise there was no point in messaging him in the first place! You won't know if he's replied if you don't, and until you have his reply (if he replies) you can't figure out your next move. If he doesn't reply at all, that will be your answer.

As for your ex-h, I agree with other posters that you ideally need to work towards keeping him away from your home. The fact he doesn't have anywhere to have them overnight is his problem, not yours. If he really wants to have them overnight, he'll make an effort to sort it out but not while you're letting him use your house because atm he as no need to make any changes. Maybe give him a time limit and if he hasn't sorted out by then, tough.

I agree I need to get ex out of my home as much as possible. He still gets his post delivered here!

I just feel a bit like I've ruined my life.

I still haven't checked my email. In my gut I know he won't reply and I'll feel humiliated. I put myself out there.

You put yourself out there which is brave. At least you'll know if you check them but at the minute you're in that horrible void between not knowing and imagining the worst. Surely it's just best to know either way? I'd say to give a deadline for him replying - say a week from sending the message - then after that time either delete the email account or decide never to check it again. Either way, the point that you get to your deadline is the point where you accept he's too cowardly/abusive/controlling to reply, and that's the point where you let it go.

If he replies though, you'll know what his response is and can work from there.

Don't, are all his things still at your house? Make him move it out.

I packed all my exh's things up and told him if he didn't get them they were going to tip! Its funny how that made him take some action. It was therapeutic for me - reclaiming my space, not to mention wardrobe space!

return his post to sender - he doesn't live there anymore. if you don't facilitate the use of your home he'll have no choice but to sort himself out

don't any news? xxx

None of ex h's things are here. But his blinking passport got delivered here today!

I haven't checked my email. Can't face it tonight.

don't send me the log in for it and I will police it for you lol!!

I don't want to know. In my heart I know. I know him. He's very black and white. He's decided to cut me out and that's what he'll do. Maybe I just needed to put it out there. There's no outcome that will make it all better I guess.