Red flags for making new friends?

[futuremature]

Hi,

Through lurking, got a lot of self-awareness about how narcissistic/abusive parents have affected my romantic relationships.

One thing I have also become aware of is how I've gravitated towards toxic friends, repeating that dynamic.

I read on a thread about friendship, some posters saying how they were good instinctively at calling when something was 'off'?

So I'm curious as to how they do it.

I'm 30 and childfree, and my life situation means I'm likely to meet people not within a structured environment. I'm building up a low budget social life from scratch. Don't have an issue with being invited to stuff, I just need to not get latched onto by users or end up with people who aren't "nice".

Can anyone offer me any tips on how screen potentially bad friends out?

Or how I can modify my own behaviour to avoid being targeted?

They said sorry for being late straight away when I said "are you X group?"

I was waiting outside the bar.

Then I said: "no worries, how was the film? I'm X, nice to meet you." and stuck my hand out, so I deflected the conversation myself.

Yes, I think that was entirely forgiveable, especially as you've double-checked their reason :) I'm glad you enjoyed the meet! Sounds like a good find.

One of the things I look out for is conflict - if you do have a conflict, whether it's just a disagreement on a political issue, or someone's late etc, how is that dealt with - do you get over it or does it fester?

I do a lot of voluntary work where you often come across people with big egos and power issues. When you can have an argument with someone and then go back afterwards and know you have both learned from it, great.

People who take offence at the slightest thing without trying at all to get past it and see round it I think are very dangerous. It's a form of controlling behaviour I think - they'll tell someone else about 'what you said' rather than discuss it with you to find out the reason.

But by and large it is as most people say - you will attract the best people by being true to yourself. I'm always very honest and open because it's quicker, people can then decide for themselves whether they are going to get on with you.

I'd let this one go, but would not bother if it was consistent.
Some people just can't get on time. They don't plan well or something, but then I tend to calculate how long they take and arrive just as late. Or tell them to meet that time earlier.

Red flags would be, like with exH, calling to pick me up from the station with more than enough time for him to arrive there and still be left standing in the cold for 10 min plus (no traffic) or "forgetting" about it and no immediate apology.