Think I'm going mad

[Verysadme]

I really need some perspective and advise. I can't stop crying and think I'm going mad.

About a month ago my husband contacted an old friend of his. In his words, she was his best friend until they both got married to different people and drift apart. He went to great lengths to find her new surname and finally discover looking in online marriages files, he remembered the place and date of the marriage and finally found her details.

He found her on facebook and talked to her until midnight, I didn't like it much but thought as they have 20 years without talking to eachother it was normal. The next day he informed me that she was having an awful time, she was getting divorce and didn't have much help, she needs to sell the house and was very ill to clean the house by herself so he was going to visit her that weekend and he was also going to spend the night in her house, (her daughters were going to be out with their dad so they were going to spend the night alone). To say I was shock is an understatement. I tried to talk to him and told him I was surprise he made a decision like that without consulting me, he got very angry and defensive and in the middle of his argument called me her name :(

I never saw him acting like that, he's always been very kind with me and we could always talk things calmly, but not this time, he said I was being unreasonable and she was his friend and she needed him. I was sad for the rest of the week, he was very happy.

He left home that Saturday, didn't hear from him the whole day, I called him more than 5 times and he finally called me back late at night saying he was going to make dinner and didn't have much time to talk. I cried the whole night and the rest of the next day.He came very late on Sunday and he could see I was upset. We talked and he cried and told me how bad things were for her and all the problems she was having.

After that things have gone downhill for us, the week after his visit he emailed her everyday, he would get up really early and the first thing he did was to talk to her on facebook. We had several arguments about it, I saw some of their messages and she was asking things like what were his feelings for her when they were young, I told him I didnt like how that sounded and his response was to close access to his facebook account when it was never an issue in the past, I also think he is been deliting texts they send eachother but I have no proof.

He says I pushing him away with my issues with her, he has other female friends but is completely different with them. I cant sleep, I dont eat, I'm having health problems. They have nicknames for eachother and tonight I saw a text from her and I just cant take it anymore. I'm not suposed to be seeing his phone, we had this conversation and I'm suposed to be going to a counsellor to work "my issues", he normally is very kind and has tried to mend things but I cant let it go. Please help

I'm sorry for the typos. I'm also alone in this country and have a daughter who adores him (not his). Just dont know what to do

Oh, I'm so sorry. This is, at the very least, an emotional affair.

He is putting her wants and needs before yours. He does not seem to care about your feelings, he is not behaving like a loving partner.

My guess is they were friends before, but only because that's how she wanted it to be.

There is nothing wrong with friends if the opposite sex, but there are boundaries. And he is stomping all over yours.

Do you have anywhere else to stay?

Do you have a job?

Is your house rented or owned?

These are not 'your' issues.

They are his.

He is not 'kind'. Hi is lying to you. He has checked out of his marriage.

Please get some help in the morning. PLEASE - ring Women's Aid
for advice - they are the best people to give you advice about your situation.

HTH x

Es a dick. I'd kick him out op. Honestly. Change the locks.

He's a dick I mean!

Wow. Something got rekindled there. I'd let him go. Easier said than done, I know, but his attentions are elsewhere. Don't compete. Just let him go.

They're a pair of shits. Are you in a position to leave him ?

Thanks so much for the support, it means a lot to me right now. I haven't manage to sleep and still very upset.

Thecat, I agree, they were friends because she wanted, she was very beautiful barbie type and he was very akward as a teen, she would go out with the hottest guys and have him as confident.

Lapsed, I don't have anywhere to stay, no friends or family. I'm going to start working next week, so that's something. We rent and there's no way I could pay the rent on my own. Im calling Women's aid tomorrow, thanks.

Natasha, yes, his behaviour is very inappropiate, I'vw told him this several times but he doesn't agree, it is so sad because we had such a good relationship before this, I just want to cry.

Superstar, I cant kick him out, he pays the rent, Im the one who will have to leave with my daughter, I feel sick :(

Wrap, I know I cant compete, I told him her messages seemed flirty, he said he didn't realized, I asked what he would do if they turned too obvious, he said nothing because she is his friend, so I know he will always choose her. Its so difficult to think, such a mess

Thank you ladies for ur time

Cozie, not at the moment, I would had gone when he spent the night at hers if I could

I've been in a very similar situation. It doesn't look good and he is not respecting you or your boundaries. I'm now divorced. My exH's relationship with an ex turned into a full affair although he was only helping her getting through her divorce! Sorry to hear what you're going through. Big hug

No-one goes to those lengths to track someone down if they don't have an ulterior motive. His behaviour since has been inappropriate and offensive. You are not 'pushing him away'.... he is detaching from you by the hour.

You sound as though you feel trapped and, in cases like that, I always think it's a good idea to get legal and other practical advice. Explore your options.

Kick him out and apply for housing help

He is being cruel and a liar. He knows perfectly well what he's doing, but doesn't want to admit to himself what a shit he's being, so he's pretending this is all ok and you're the unreasonable one. You're not. You are NOT pushing him away, he is pulling away and rewriting the story as he does it. Arsehole. I am for you.

Gosh op this man is blatantly having an affair in front of you and he has the audacity to make it sound as you're the issue! Nobody goes to that lengths to be a friend without considering their partner. I can't believe he stayed over with her and then came back to you! Please find the strength to leave. He is just going to put you through so much more if you stay.

It's an amazing coincidence that, just at the moment when this woman is getting divorced and so forth, he is suddenly compelled to go to great lengths to find her. Far more likely they never dropped contact

I'm assuming that you were fobbed off OP, but did you ask to join him when he went off on this rescue mission?

He is not kind, he is virtually conducting an affair in front of you. He must have seized the chance when he heard about her divorce. I don't think that the timing was coincidental.

Nothing more satisfying for a certain type of man to get to play knight in shining armour especially with someone he carried a torch for, way back when.

I don't think he is worth your tears. I'm glad you're going to contact WA. Please address your health issues and start putting distance between you both.

We had an argument this morning, I've only managed to sleep one hour and was feeling an intense pain in my ribs, he never even blinked when he saw me crying of pain. I was making DD lunch and bending when he came in complaining I didn't let him sleep. We had an argument and everything ended up being my fault, because we talked nicely last night about the whole issue and things seemed fine, then he got that message that I was not supose to read, she was saying she missed his voice and calling him honeybee, I wanted to vomit, but of course I didnt tell him what triggered things in my mind again.

He said that I'm doing everything to make our marriage to fail, he has helped me a lot lately in order for me to get this new job, that is true, we have had a nice easter and everything was fine, but I know they now only communicate when hi is at work so anyhting that reminds me that makes me alert, I don't understand why he just don't come clean and stop playing with my feelings.

I know you are all right, he is more careful now but things have not changed, he just want me to end things so he can be blameless. I left my Country and came here for him, I've done so many things and feel so sad and lonely.

I too feel it was a big coincidence he happened to find her just when she was having a divorce, oh well, I know what I have to do but part of me will like to think this is all my imagination and we can make it work, but that is just a fantasy. We got married less than a year ago :(

Oh OP what a shit he is, I'm so sorry. he doesn't come clean because that would make him the bad guy. Which he is!

Assume for a minute that it is wholly innocent and everything he's told you has been truthful so far. If that is the case then he should have no problem with the pair of you meeting up. I understand that you are very emotional but, with respect, I don't think that's helping. Time to box clever. If you change tack, change tune and offer to embrace this old friend then his accusations of you wanting the marriage to fail have nowhere to go. When he refuses to let you meet - and I would anticipate that - then the boot will be on the other foot.

You are a strong woman and will be just fine without him. It's horrible this has happened so soon after you got married but it's better you found out what kind of person he is now instead of wasting many years on him.

You will also be teaching your daughter a very valuable lesson, that she deserves better than that.

OMG, it's not hugely inappropriate it's damn right cruel and nasty. He's trying his hardest to rekindle some kind of love with this woman and is treating you like shit.

There aint nothing innocent about any of this, why is he crying over a woman he hasn't seen in 20 years cos her life is crap -what has that got to do with him??? And, staying the night, seriously, I'd very surprised if they weren't already sleeping together.

You have to end your marriage if he is going to continue to disrespect you in the worst way possible.

I do this rarely... but what an absolute cunt.

You are not going mad. He is. This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. My guess is that something has triggered deep-seated insecurities and fears in him, and he's (pathetically) chasing this young romance as an outlet.

He will come to his senses soon and realise that he's made an enormous mistake. But by the sounds of things, the damage is already done, emotionally if not sexually as well.

I know how physically ill you feel. I found out my partner of 15 years was cheating on me via a series of similarly obsessive emails with a mutual "friend". I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt hollow inside. And then, I started to get angry. I stopped doing all coupley things. I made him sleep in another room, and I started to check out of the relationship emotionally. We owned a house together, my family refused to help, and he refused to move out, so I was stuck financially. I began an OU degree, started running to deal with the emotions and to get out of the house in the evenings. I was really unfit, but I just did a little more each day until I was able to go a long way. In the course of a year, I got down to a size 4, made myself over completely, found a new and better paid job, met the man who was to become DH, sold my house, and started a whole new life. I am so much happier now. You CAN do this. Have faith in yourself.

Wow - I cannot believe he is doing this to you and his DC.

He's following the cheaters 'script' to a T.
Blaming your so he can justify his poor behaviour.
Do NOT let him blame you for anything.
How would he feel if you did the same thing. Not right now as he has checked out of your relationship already, but if you'd had done the exact same thing 1 year ago???
He would have been livid with your attitude and disrespect.

It's time to call it. Kick him out. Pack his bags up right now. YOU did not do this to your relationship - HE DID! Keep repeating that.
Put his bags outside and send him a text telling him to come and get them.

Then contact CAB and get some advice on what you are entitled to.
You will get tax credits, child benefit, maybe housing and he also has to support his DC so you will get maintenance as well. You'll be surprised as what you can get. So start investigating.

This is NOT anything to do with you. This is all HIM.
If he had any consideration or respect for you he would cut all contact.

Good grief, how is she suddenly his best friend. They haven't been in touch for 20 years. That is NOT a good friend.

Get some real life support if you can. Family, friends, tell everyone what he is doing. Can you go and visit your home country and your family? Do not keep his dirtly little secret for him. You need support and love and he is not providing it anymore.

Do you want to leave this country and go home? I would if I were you. He is being such a total cunt (and I do NOT use that word lightly)

I'm rambling now because I am sooooo angry on your behalf. Find the anger and kick him into touch. Keep your head held high and take no notice when he blames you. HE did this!

Arrgggghhhhh.....