Think I'm going mad

[Verysadme]

I really need some perspective and advise. I can't stop crying and think I'm going mad.

About a month ago my husband contacted an old friend of his. In his words, she was his best friend until they both got married to different people and drift apart. He went to great lengths to find her new surname and finally discover looking in online marriages files, he remembered the place and date of the marriage and finally found her details.

He found her on facebook and talked to her until midnight, I didn't like it much but thought as they have 20 years without talking to eachother it was normal. The next day he informed me that she was having an awful time, she was getting divorce and didn't have much help, she needs to sell the house and was very ill to clean the house by herself so he was going to visit her that weekend and he was also going to spend the night in her house, (her daughters were going to be out with their dad so they were going to spend the night alone). To say I was shock is an understatement. I tried to talk to him and told him I was surprise he made a decision like that without consulting me, he got very angry and defensive and in the middle of his argument called me her name :(

I never saw him acting like that, he's always been very kind with me and we could always talk things calmly, but not this time, he said I was being unreasonable and she was his friend and she needed him. I was sad for the rest of the week, he was very happy.

He left home that Saturday, didn't hear from him the whole day, I called him more than 5 times and he finally called me back late at night saying he was going to make dinner and didn't have much time to talk. I cried the whole night and the rest of the next day.He came very late on Sunday and he could see I was upset. We talked and he cried and told me how bad things were for her and all the problems she was having.

After that things have gone downhill for us, the week after his visit he emailed her everyday, he would get up really early and the first thing he did was to talk to her on facebook. We had several arguments about it, I saw some of their messages and she was asking things like what were his feelings for her when they were young, I told him I didnt like how that sounded and his response was to close access to his facebook account when it was never an issue in the past, I also think he is been deliting texts they send eachother but I have no proof.

He says I pushing him away with my issues with her, he has other female friends but is completely different with them. I cant sleep, I dont eat, I'm having health problems. They have nicknames for eachother and tonight I saw a text from her and I just cant take it anymore. I'm not suposed to be seeing his phone, we had this conversation and I'm suposed to be going to a counsellor to work "my issues", he normally is very kind and has tried to mend things but I cant let it go. Please help

I'm sorry for the typos. I'm also alone in this country and have a daughter who adores him (not his). Just dont know what to do

You are not going mad. He did not let go of her from the past and had complete closure before marrying you.

I would bring him to his senses and ask him whether he had let her go, because there is only so much he should do for her and then backed off. He is doing this more and beyond a duty as a friend.

When he say that you got to work on your issues. Stand firm and say no.

Thank you all. To respond some of your questions, yes, when he came with that plan of going to visit her I offer to go with him, his excuse was that we couldnt bring DD and we had no one to stay with her. DD is not a toddler, she is a pre teen and she could have helped, but he made up his mind and there was no turning around. Also I dont seem the need for him to drive almost 4 hours when she has a 20 year old daughter who could perfectly help.

We were suposed to meet all for Easter, but those plans were dismissed, I never know really what's going on, he says he tells me everything but I have the feeling they make their own plans. She was going to add him on Skype and we should all talk, but that didn't happen either.

What gets me the most are the lies. He has lied so many times to my face when I already knew the truth that I lost count, it is very painful. when I call him on it he gets angry or dismisses what I'm telling him, he is incredibly good in turning things around, English is not my first language and whenever he wants to be offended for something I say there is no way I can explain what I mean, he has a reasoning for everything.

I dont understand how he can act how nothing is happening, sometimes I really think it is just me going mad, because he can be very loving and affectionate and we have a lovely time until something happens and we have a discussion about the same thing. I've tried to be patient, told him that if she was feeling so bad and lonely she can contact me because I'm at home most of the time, he told her to add me on facebook and for some reason she didn't in the begining, I told him not to insist, that it was her choice but he went behind my back and insisted, when I asked if he was still telling her to add me he said he wasn't, but I checked his messages so I knew he was lying. In the end she added me, sent me two lines and never heard from her again.

I'm reading what I'm writing and it sounds so obvious and pathetic that I could laugh if it wasn't for the fact that I'm the one being an idiot here.

I cant go back to my Country, I wish I could, my DD likes her school and she has had so many changes in her life that it could be devastating for her, she was born and raise in main Europe and my home is alien to her. The only thing I think I can do right now is gather all the information that I can. Thank you for your support.

He is having an affair - pack his bags now and get rid. I bet you any money when you do he goes running straight to her.

Check out the entitledto website - you will qualify for benefits including rent and council tax benefit. You deserve so much more. Stop trying to understand what he is doing and get rid. He is a liar and he is looking for any reason to justify his behaviour. I mean it couldn't possibly be his fault he has been actively seeking to be unfaithful could it?

You don't have to go back to your country. Just start planning and working toward a different life here

If you've got some kind of contact with her on Facebook have you sent her a message saying that their friendship is causing a problem and you'd rather she didn't contact him again?

Cogito, If I'd do something like that he would be very angry, he told me specifically not to do that or I would look like a spycho, that would bring even more problems. I don't think she would care anyway :(

*psycho

Then I think you have to have the 'it's her or me' conversation. However, before you do, you need an exit plan for when he says 'I'm not giving her up'. At worst he's having an affair. At best he's being very contemptuous of your feelings. He is not taking you at all seriously.

what you going to do - will you ask him to leave?

If you contacted her you wouldn't look like a psycho, but I wouldn't advise you speak to her at all really.

If you have done all the above and nothing is happening, then please at this stage stop helping him. Take a great big step backwards.

He may or may not realises that his action come across as inconsistent. To me, his answers are defensive answers cos he knows that you are actually grilling him. And to be honest, what is the point in this right ? You can see for yourself his action. There is no point to push him further. Cos he will get defensive and then start to lie more and more, or to start to hide.

The question is whether he has realised the impact that this has on his own life, and if he is able to get more help for this woman. But not to let the situation becomes what it is.

I would back off from him. Hold your head high. Make a food parcel for this poor lady if she is indeed more isolated. Then consider your own feelings in this situation, and question yourself whether you want to be with this man or not. Right now, everything is hitting the fan. If you are calm, then your own gut instinct will come through and maybe you can then decide what to do.

You are not going mad, it is okay to be upset and anxious. Please do not start to think it is your fault, cos the action is done by him ! Sometimes this is whereby a bystander can see the situation a little clearer. I've been there myself too. When the situation become such that, the trust starts to go, then this is whereby the relationship will break. To me based on his action and response, maybe he did not expect you to be upset. Quelle surprise.

If he is decent, and he is also mature, he would know what to do and take a big step backwards too and draw more of a boundary, cos it was him who went to search for this woman. To me, it is normal to reminisc about your past. Even I had in my mid-20s went onto Friendsunited to see old uni friends. But this stage past by now. I now have to focus on my own life absolutely. I do have some friends on my FB, and we just keep loosely in touch. We support one another and praise each other's milestones, but other than that, we do not get too close.

I found it upsetting that when you were crying and in pain, he did nothing. It's as if he is gradually emotionally distancing himself from what he is doing to you, probably to relieve his own conscience. He is acting like more than a good friend- driving all that way to tidy the house of a woman he hasn't seen for 20 years (and insisting that he goes alone) is really normal for a married man. It's also not okay for him to get flirty texts from someone he had a relationship with and still cares for and him not to discourage this. The most worrying thing is that he lies: people don't lie if they gave nothing to cover up. It does sound like her being newly single pending her divorce is giving him a bit of hope / an interest in her that goes beyond being mere friends of the opposite sex, and it's not at all unreasonable for you to notice that and point it out.

By the way, your English is fantastic. How dare he pretend to be offended because you have mis-worded things! He's just trying to wriggle out of answering your questions by deflecting it onto you.

You might also want to contact the old "friend" briefly by SMS, and explain your situation. She may not have a clue what is happening on your side - I doubt he has been honest with her. This is not to get into a dialogue - just a brusque. matter-of-fact statement so she is clear that you only recently got married and he has some responsibilities towards you and your daughter.

I don't know what I will do immediately, I feel numb at the moment. I will gather all the information I can, where DD and I could go, how much would I need to save, etc. I don't want to take any steps without being certain we will be fine, DD is my concern now (she is not H's DD so I dont have anything to deal with him really) this was his home when I came so I guess I will have to find somewhere to live.

I dont see how my relationship can survive this so I dont have much options than to leave them to have whatever they have, my health has suffered so much,, I was size 6 and i'm now a 4. I am very sad, but I have tried everything, writing here was my las resort because I seriously didn't know if it was me. I know this is my side of the history, but apart from my suspicions of they doing their plans and the deleting of texts (I now he deleted emails when I could access his account but have no proof about texts) all that I've said here are facts, so is so obvious and I don't think I want to save anything really, I will always feel like second best, he won't choose me, I know that, and even if he would I cant trust him, so it is a lost battle and I finally realize this, it hurts like hell, I never imagine this would hurt so much, but i feel better knowing I better move on.

I know I may sound defeated, and many people would say to try and work things out, I honestly don't think I can, my DD is next to me right now and she seems so happy, I dont want to be miserable the rest of my life, I'm only 32, he's 47 so I have time on my side I guess. Thank you again, I feel less alone now.

i've seen things she has said about me, I'm sure she knows how upset I am, I dont think she cares to be honest, I told him at one point please not to discuss our relationship with her, but her last message implies she now I'm upset

she knows I'm upset and knows more about our realtionship than what I would like, of course everything told from his point of view where I am a nutter and a psycho

You know, when two people are like "in a zone" as I call it. They do not see anyone outside of that. I am not sure if your DP is that super-aware of his behaviour right now or not. There must be a motivation from inside of him to seek an old flame out this way. I mean, if you step back and read what you wrote to us here. Don't you think that this is super dubious? Does he even realises it himself ? If you force him to seek this and dig in himself to find out the answer, he will bite back cos he does not bloomin know, or else he can or would address it.

When you told me his age, 47. I wondered whether he is starting to sense his own regrets in life or not, and maybe he wanted to make amends or to address them personally ? But sometimes seeking the person or to dig up the past is not always a good thing imho. Cos either the other person has moved on, and sealed the hurt. Or that they have forgotten and moved on. If he is being sentimental, then it means that he never learnt to let go of the past females in his life to begin with. Most of my old friends, when we see one another with the kids and the wife, we are super happy for them. Cos our memories are held in a specific time slot in time. We are all where we are now because of choices we made. So accorlade to them.

My question to you is, do you want this kind of man, yes or no. If no, then you need to find the strength within yourself to move on. I'm also 36. Just cleaned out my past. Feel a bit free-er.

It is obvious that his loyalty is not on your side but on hers. What an idiot ! I'm sorry to say. Even if he wants to offer compassion, there are lines that you do not cross. I think he crossed a few here. So it really is not fair to be honest.

Maisie0, I don't know if he is really aware of what is going on or if he knows exactly what is he doing, I just know that it hurts, and he knows it hurts me, but his solution is to try and hide things from me and blame me of inventing things, which hurts even more. As someone here said, he has found his damsel in distress, who he still have feelings for, and that's a recipe for disaster.

I have some updates, when he came home Tuesday night he was very upset because he almost had an accident driving back home, he said it was because of lack of sleep and I was to blame, I pointed that he usually sleep less than that night but he dismissed that. Wednesday morning (I'm still in pain) he decided he was going to spend Saturday away so he can think things and have some time for himself (in a town near where we live so I won't think he's with her) because I'm making him miserable, that all of this is in my head, I'm acting like he is having an affair and he is not and I never made an effort to know his friend anyway so I shouldn't complain of her doing the same. I said he didn't want me to contact her and he said I got it wrong, he just didn't want me to tell her to back off. So I said, right, I will contact her, and sent her a message on facebook. She was happy to hear from me and was nice and pleasant, but some of the things she said were weird. He sent me a text later on the day and told me she contacted him and told him I sent her a lovely message and he said he was proud of me

Wednesday afternoon I couldn't take the pain anymore, I was trying to get on like normal but after two episodes of disorientation when I went out and didn't know where I was (when I pass that street everyday) and leaving the house and my car open I decided to go to the hospital. They made tests but they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me, I've never feel like this in the past and I'm wondering if is just the emotional burden and stress I'm having.

I called CAB and have an appointment with them next week. I know now that I can leave and I will have some help which is a relief. I feel everything is so surreal, I will like to think that he still loves me and would not like to lose what we have, sadly I think I've been traded. He would never admit that, because his brother cheated on his then wife and left her for another woman and he was always so vocal about his disappointment and he doesn't speak to him anymore, so he wouldn't want his family thinking he's doing the same, I guess is easier for him to act like this. I wish I was mistaken :(

Thank you everyone