We've both agreed its over...

[nomorequotes]

But we are still going to live together.

I work in a job that involves me working out of the house at night a lot, I also have sport activities which mean that I would find it very hard to be a single parent, I wouldn't be able to fulfil my current commitments at all and would have to give up work.

But we are over as a couple, he hasn't been sexual attracted to me for many years, ever I don't think to be honest and I have suffered tremendous self confidence issues as a result of the lack of sex and intimacy.

Its all come out now, we are good friends and we have this perfect life, family and home. It all works so well but clearly I am so repugnant that actually trying to make it work intimately with me is not worth what we lose if that isn't there.

So we've decided to just live together for a time, until I am trained and can change jobs or until he decides he wants to move out. I don't see either of us finding other partners, he is my partner but he doesn't love me. I can't really see a way out of that.

A huge part of me wants him to just grab me and hold me and tell me that he loves me passionately and that we can have it all but I know that we can't. I know that it is over and has been for a long time.

So close to having it all, this perfect life with a perfect man and perfect family. Just out of my reach.

I feel like such a failure, I find it hard to watch TV and listen to music because I yearn so much for love, to think that nobody will ever want to just fuck me rotten or hold me and carass me.

My husband has never kissed my body or undressed me slowly, he is only interested in the orgasm and I have found that really hard. I think the more we learn each other the better it will be but he has never wanted that.

I am so sad and sorry that it has to be like this. I need advice from others who have separated but lived in the same house? I will take extra shifts at work so I am away more so I will barely have to be here but we only have two bedrooms so I will have to share a bed with him.

nomorequotes, I have to tell you that my stbXH was the least handsome man I ever dated and I have never been more sexually attracted to anyone in my life because I loved him.

Sexual attraction runs a lot deeper than how you look, and it sounds to me like your husband has some issues. It's a little odd to say the least that you feel like he has never kissed your body or slowly undressed you. If he hasn't done this it's not because YOU are physically repugnant - it's because he has some sort of issue.

How long have you been with him? What were your previous relationships like?

I honestly think you are beating yourself up for someone else's problem. I remember when my stbXH could not keep his hands off me when I had the flu or when I just got back from a run and it wasn't because I looked nice or was alluring. it was because he loved me and he expressed that physically.

You deserve to find this...it's the norm.

I think living together sounds like a horrible idea. Presumably this is for financial reasons?

He says I have impossibly high standards. I told him that I long for someone who will want me passionately and love me passionately.

I don't think I will ever find a person who gives me that.

The first man I felt really attracted to was so repulsed by me that he could not look at me while we made love and never kissed me

Then when I met my husband he was quite dismissive of my looks from the start and he was really inexperienced in bed. I was so happy that someone wanted to be with me that I stayed with him and I do really regret it.

Every man I have ever met has been repulsed by me. I don't think I will find anyone that breaks that. We live together in this beautiful home with lovely children, we get on really well, we eat the same food and like the same programmes and music. We are so perfect for each other but my looks mean that we can never have a sexual bond.

I don't know that I do ever want to try and find that with anyone, I am too scared of opening myself up like that again.

It isn't just financial reasons why I want us to stay in the house, it is the freedom for me to work and also what is best for the children. They would be so sad not to see their father every day and I would feel very selfish to break up the family because of my failures.

It is hard though, I need to know it will get easier.

It can;t possible be true that men who went to bed with you (and married you) were repulsed by you. Surely you can see they must have found you very attractive?

Please don't blame yourself. Sexual intimacy has nothing to do with looks. Very few people have super model looks or figures and yet manage to,have fulfilling sexual relationships. Why do you think men are repulsed by you?

You sound like, apart from your sexua relationship you get on fine. Can you go to Relate? They can help,and advise you.

I have suggested that in the past but it is always me doing the suggesting and nothing comes of it.

Now it just feels like there is no turning back, six weeks ago I decided it was too hurtful for me to be with him sexually and he has only just realised. I think that says it all.

No I think that I was just there and thats why they slept with me and I was married because I am my husbands best friend inspite of my looks. Certainly nothing to do with them and he would (and has) acknowledged that.

I'm sure your looks are fine! ( or at least no worse then me). Please stop being so hard on yourself. It's easy to think that other people are far prettier, but they probably have insecurities that we are unaware of. No one sees the beauty in themselves, only other people.

I think you will find someone who can give you all those things and more! First you have to love yourself and move on emotionally. That of course will take time.

It is not easy to live in a loveless sexless relationship. Being intimate with the person you love is natural. Your self esteem is incredibly low and I can understand why.

They are not 'your' failures. There were two people in this relationship.

I want the person who can give me those things to be the father of my children though. I gave my everything to him time and time again, I promised myself to him. I learnt to enjoy the passionless, prescription sex and I seriously thought we could work on it. But we can't and it is over, my heart is completely broken.

Sometimes I think about someone telling me I am beautiful and holding my head in their hands but then I remember how stupid that is.

You are beautiful! Believe it! You don't need some else to tell you.

Also, real life isn't like tv. People don't go around looking beautiful or saying beautiful things all the time.

Also, not all men are romantiic in thought, words or deed.

FGS don't think it's your looks at fault.

The people I have fanciest most and for longest are not the people who were most likely to pass an audition for a boy band.

I have ended relationships with some superb genetic specimens, dated some distinctly average and ended up with a man who I think is gorgeous and who I fancy the pants off. Others may disagree, but we're a long time in and I could say enough vomit inspiring things here to curl your hair, whilst acknowledging he's far from perfect.

Also your looks were 'good enough' to sleep with you, marry you and impregnate you. If they are somehow not 'good enough' now, look to your DH, because I presume other than the ageing that happens to us all, you still look broadly the same

nomore x-post- it's not stupid. Individuals differ on how demonstrative they are, but DP tells me I'm gorgeous & lovely often. My last serious ex did too tbh, albeit differently. You are not reaching for something bizarre.

Having said that, people forget in the day to day life and need to be reminded. Your DP was reminded and chose that reminder to essentially say 'but you're not X'. That is callous. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he should be able to see past imperfections (we all have them), especially if they are the same imperfections you had when you got together.

He told me that I would never be beautiful, I just wasn't capable of it but that I have a nice mind and that was why he loved me. Unfortunately having a nice mind doesn't make someone want to have sex with you.

Looking back I wish I'd have waited for someone who thought I was amazing but I am here now and I have married him.

What a mess.

FWIW every day would annoy the hell out of me. I do crave it though, just once or twice

anyway its happened now, I've ended our sexual relationship and he has hardly fought the decision.

Like I said, no passion at all.

I'm so sorry to read your story OP.
Firstly, I've done this, stayed together because it seemed to make sense, we were a good team, it was financial, I couldn't make it work on my own. We did that for two years and tbh it was ok.
Then I began to want more. I couldn't keep sharing a bed so I moved to the sofa and xdp got upset, and the children had to be told more fibs. I wanted to go out with my new workmates and have fun and xdp couldn't cope with that and the inquisition began. I realised I wanted the opportunity at least of having a fulfilled life and so I had to end the relationship. And it was the right decision because all the lies fell away and I'm living an honest life now. My children see me happy. They see me now in a loving relationship and I am so glad to give them that.
You deserve that too. Nobody should live the half life you describe, not you, not your husband.

Also I never thought I was attractive. I felt exactly as you say. But now I'm beginning to believe DP when he tells me I'm beautiful.

Please begin to believe in yourself.

I'm glad it was okay. I very much doubt he would have a problem with me going out and having fun, he never has in the past. He doesn't really have the passion for jealous of any kind.

He has just bade me goodnight and gone up to bed. Not at all perturbed by the conversation we had earlier.

and thats that, I suppose. Finding this all very difficult.

Right, well my advice would be not to lie. Tell everyone the situation. Regard it as an arrangement. If possible find somewhere else to sleep. Be independent.
For yourself, get out there and seek fulfillment. You only have one life so grab it with both hands. Maybe consider therapy for yourself. Your sadness is palpable and not right so regard that as a problem you need to find solutions for.

OP the man you're describing doesn't sound like he has much passion about him at all. Does he have a very low sex drive / might he be asexual? You do seem to blaming yourself. That said, I wouldn't take up with someone who didn't think I was lovely in some sense (in context - age, weight, whatever. I don't expect at 33 to be compared with 20-something photoshopped pin-ups and much less so as I age).

Unfortunately there is nowhere else to sleep, he would, if I asked him to, sleep on the sofa for the foreseeable but it is damn uncomfortable. I am going to be working at nights out of the house for 3 or 5 nights a week every week so that is separating things somewhat.

We have already trained ourselves not to really hug each other in bed, I have been pretty clearly unhappy with him cuddling me in bed for the last 6 weeks because I am scared of how much I want him and I know that it will just end in me being sexually frustrated and angry again. Sadness is an upgrade on angry I suppose.

Get a sofa bed. The discomfort in sleeping together sounds horrible for you.
I wouldn't regard sadness as an upgrade, rather the opposite but maybe it's a stage on the road to acceptance that it's over. Now get energy!

Yes I think a sofa bed might be a good idea. I hoped we would buy this house, make it our own, have another baby. I would have loved to have a little girl but I am glad we have two children, at least they have each other.

All such a shame.

One of the hardest things is watching tv and listening to music, hearing and seeing the passion that people have for each other. Its all I want really, it has taken over every want and dream which feels really selfish.

I have to sleep now. Be kind to yourself OP.

Someone not having a sexual appetite for you doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. There are lots of very attractive men I just don't want to have sex with - look at how we disagree about which movie stars or cbeebies presenters we'd "do". Him not wanting sex does not equal you being repugnant, to use your word.