After much thought I have decided to accept financial help from (abusive?)M

[JanuaryKat]

Not my finest moment.
DMother offers help & then pulls back.

I need to get the divorce process rolling & apply for court orders. She is in an 'offering financial help mode'

It will be at an emotional cost.

Tonight I have been asking h to let me go, for it to be amicable. Asked him why he wants to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with him. He just responds that marriage is for life & then in the same breath says he will instruct his solicitors re divorce.
I tell him I no longer find him attractive, he then says he feels the same way about me & he then repeats his mantra about marriage being forever.

I would be grateful for any advice - do I go into the emotional shitstorm of accepting financial help from abusive DM or do I continue as is. Living hand to mouth & hoping that I will have the money to divorce h sometime in the future?

Have you looked into benefits? Have you contacted WA? (sorry, can't remember from previous threads)

However, I think you'd be better in getting financial help from your mother on this.
Being free from him you are more likely to be able to repay her.
Being with him, it will be like daily torture.

Sorry I don't know if there is a back story to this that I haven't read so apologies if there is. But why do you need financial help? Is it just an initial thing ie to pay for housing deposits etc and food until benefits come through?

Some of the back story regarding money:
I made a good amt of money when younger. Put all I made in property & joint business ventures with h.
Business ventures didn't work out.
I now have only the clothes I stand up in. No savings. I did have but it slowly disappeared subsidising h.

I was the single parent, careful with money
H was the high earner & always had a reason why he couldn't pay the bills, so I paid them.

I now realise he was a fraud.

I am not entitled to income suppport because we own a rental property. H gets rent paid to him, I have never seen or benefitted from any money from this.

I have recently become self employed. H earns 100k plus pa. Pays less than £40 p mth child support because he is creative with his accounting. My income is less than £100 p mth.

Are you living together or not?

I live in a v large & run down house. H no longer pays any of the bills.

Some egs of the bills:
Gas & elec£300p mth ( we go to bed wearing jumpers, hot water in the morning only)
Council tax £280 pmth
Water £280 PMTH
Mortgage: 800 pmt
And so much more ... (food, for eg)

Im considered well off enough to pay for it all because i own rental property.

Not living together

Why are you still there? In that house, I mean.

Sorry, meant £40 p week child maintenance

I'm not sure what you gain by divorcing him? Would you be better off living in the rental property?

What is it you want to achieve, is it about forcing the financial settlement?

Why am I still in this house???
Because it is my home. My name is on the joint mortgage. I put £100k into it??!!

I would phone the CSA and ask for a departure on him as his expenditure doesn't match with his declared income.

You can't afford to run the house though?

But your income is less than 100 quid a month. You can't afford to live there. Can you sell it and recover your capital?

But your name is on the rental property? Who is living there? Why are you not getting at least some of the income from that?

What would I gain from divorcing him?

Freedom
Self esteem
Confidence
A feeling that my life is worthwhile
Freedom from fear
Freedom from rape
Freedom from name calling, insults, put downs, degredation
A life I can live being myself
Freedom from hoping night after night that the police will knock at the door to tell you died in a freak accident.
Freedom from having to look over your shoulder wherever you go
Freedom from someone who is dead behind the eyes
Freedom from thinking how ever much you love your children, the only way to escape is suicide

I could go on.

I have explained everything to csa, they will not help.

Rental property is v small, mainly for retired people.

Ok I don't think divorce will give you that I'm afraid.

I honestly think you should phone womans aid and ask for their help and advice. You can serve divorce papers doing them yourself through the court. The more difficult bit is agreeing/sorting the finances. The court can force him to sell both homes.

H owns a LOT pf property, not just the ones I own jointly with him.
DIVORCE is the only option as far as Im concerned.
I cannot stay married because it would destroy me.

Am trying to get as much advice as possible to enable me to make a well rounded decision.
Tonight I asked a friend what she thought. We have known each other since I was 2 yrs old. She is a bit older than me & is trained in counselling.
So I am - childlike, provocative, vulnerable, attractive.

Not sure if that helps me at all.

January aren't you the poster that had a horrible time getting your children back off your stbxh from a holiday in France? I would divorce your husband at all costs, even if it means accepting financial help from your mother, surely your solicitor/the courts would go through all paperwork properly and ensure you receive any money from rental properties etc you were entitled to?

Yes, that's me.

I'll have to accept DMs 'help'. God knows what the pay off will be.

Could I ask why you are so worried about accepting money from your mother? (sorry if you explained this in your last thread, I can't remember but I was so horrified for you and your children) Do you have any friends IRL that might be able to help you out with a bit of money to get things rolling?

"childlike, provocative, vulnerable, attractive" - is that what your counselling friend described you as? Was that supposed to be helpful?