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Original poster

Pi$$ed off - am I being unreasonable...?

45 replies

Mo2 · 20/03/2004 21:53

OK, poor SB34 had me ranting about this the other night, but what's the collective view??

dh has gone away for the w/e to his parents for his Dad's 80th birthday
His (unmarried, childless) sister thought it would be 'lovely' if just 'immediate family' (i.e. the parents and their 3 kids) got together for an evening out where they could celebrate and reminisce
therefore the two spouses and 3 grandchildren were not invited! (i.e. that incl. me and the kids)

Sooooooooooo - here I am, on my own with the kids until tomorrow evening. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, which I will spend on my own looking after the kids, AND given that my own Mum died last month, tomorrow's going to be a bit of a sad day for me anyway....

I'm pi$$ed off.

In his defence, DH would say that he did look after the kids while I went on a girls w/e to Florence last Nov, but even so, this feels different.

Worse still, I've just found out that the 'family celebration' isn't even a meal out (i.e. necessitating babysitting) but a stay at home event....so why, exactly, are the daughter-in-law and grandchildren not welcome???

OP posts:

zebra · 20/03/2004 21:58

Not that my views are always right, but I think your SIL has been rather insensitive about who counts as "family".

collision · 20/03/2004 22:00

Mmmmm.......maybe unmarried childless sister is jealous and wishes she was in a relationship with someone and hates to see everyone in happy families. I would be v annoyed too under your circumstances. Open some wine!!

Original poster

Mo2 · 20/03/2004 22:02

Collision.. wine has been well and truly open for some time this evening... Mumsnet acting as a pseudo- diversionary tactic !

OP posts:

zebra · 20/03/2004 22:03

I know I'd feel really hurt to be left out. But I am excessively emotional lately, so not sure that should count.

lou33 · 20/03/2004 22:04

I agree with the others, but also think your dh has been v insensitive too. He should have said you are family too, especially given the fcat you lost your mum recently. Also I fail to understand why the daughter has the final say over the party, it isn't her brthday. Hugs ((()))

sykes · 20/03/2004 22:06

Hello, Mo2, I'd be p'd off as well. It seems desperately insensitive if the person who organised it also knows about your mum - it's insensitive anyway. Is it too far for him to come back and cook you a lovely supper - know it's not the same, but. Am so sorry about your mum - my mother died late last year, it's very hard.

jac34 · 20/03/2004 22:08

I agree with collision, she proberbly is jealous, perhaps she usually feels the odd one out.Would have thought his Dad, would have loved to have his grandchildren around on his Birthday, but then the SIL wouldn't understand that, not having children herself.
I have to admit though it is quite a nice idea, but a bit of bad timeing with it being Mothers Day tomorrow.
Perhaps you could have a day being spoiled, next weekend instead.

Original poster

Mo2 · 20/03/2004 22:13

I know DH feels a bit uncomfortable about it, but I think the thing is, that being 80, his Dad find the kids a bit tiring, and if it's meant to be 'his' day... etc etc.
Sykes - no he's gone about 200 miles away, so not expected back until late tomorrow.

It was an awful situation this lunchtime - the insensitive childless sister turned up at ours to get a lift with DH, adn DS2 (19 months) was having the most almightly tantrum he's ever had. She just sat around making hugely insensitive comments and kept tutting about how late they were going to be.
Then DH also went off with the push chair in the back of the car, so I had to start rummaging around the garage to find the old pram/ 3in1 to go out...and then it wouldn't fit in the car... and it was raining....

GRUMP... GRUMP.....

OP posts:

zebra · 20/03/2004 22:15

The only excuse in it all (maybe) would be if your FIL really finds large family gatherings overwhelming? If that would stress him out, then 80th is important enough I can (sort of) see the point. Because otherwise it smacks of rejecting you and all the others who married into the family, and your children.

roisin · 20/03/2004 22:20

I think you've every reason to feel fed up Mo2 ... Hope you have a good day with the kids tomorrow, and get an alternative mother's day pampering later in the week.

I also think it's a real shame about the "family gathering" My Grandma had a family party for her 90th - she was ill and had to travel 50 miles, we travelled 200 miles, and she had her whole family there: 2 sons plus wives, 5 grandchildren, and 10 great grandchildren (mostly tinies). It was a very special day: she talked about it every time I saw her until she died just over a year later. And it is ds2's earliest memory too.

Hope you manage to have a child-friendly family celebration together soon.

nutcracker · 20/03/2004 22:21

I have to sat, i would be very offended and upset. You are his wife, therfore are family.
I could of understood if they had not asked you but not the kids, but only if they had been going out somewhere special.

Totally out of order. Sorry of that offends at all

nutcracker · 20/03/2004 22:22

I have to SAY not SAT

zebra · 20/03/2004 22:24

Asking spouses but not the kids sounds like it would have been a good compromise to me, too.

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 00:02

Hi MO2, I haven't read the other responses but I'd be livid, I really would. I take the view that we are a family now and therefore we come as a package. In fact, we've had this discussion recently as Dp's parents would like to see us at some point but don't have room for us to stay. Dp suggested therefore that he went on his own with dd (ds isn't his) and I said absolutely not. To me, that would seem to be differentiating between the 2 children and would be saying that dp's parents want to see him and our dd but not me and my ds. They haven't said this, mind you! This is just my take on the very idea that he goes to his parents without me - I don't think he should do it and now we've discussed it and he understands how I feel he agrees. We're a family and that's what it means. That's not to say that we can't do things separately sometimes but not this kind of family event/visit.

Tomorrow will be tough for you, I do know how hard it is when a parent dies so I hope it's over quickly for you. But I really think your DH should be with you, helping you to get through it and she (SIL) should have been told where to get off IMO, in NO uncertain terms. Cheeky mare! I know your dh did say he'd have the kids another w/e but, as you say, it's not the same. I'd be furious, but mainly with SIL, for even suggesting for one minute that you weren't invited. Maybe your dh didn't really think this through? I know my dp didn't as per his suggestion above, until I'd told him what I felt and then he said yes, he understood and agreed - we all went or not at all.

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 00:05

Ah, now I've read the other responses and your other post I dislike your SIL even more! How dare she come for a lift! And sit around tutting! Oooh, Ooooh, well done for keeping your temper!

bobthebaby · 21/03/2004 00:30

My MIL got mine and DH's wedding photographer to take a photo of "just the family" ie MIL, FIL, DH and his brother and sister. They did the same thing at their 40th wedding anniversary, except that DS was allowed to be included too. I don't even think it entered their heads that it might upset me to not be considered family. You have my sympathy.

bobthebaby · 21/03/2004 00:33

Oh, and having read your other post I think that your FIL could have had a celebration which could include you all without being too overwhelming. At least at the wedding anniversary my PIL changed it to be a daytime thing so then 5 week old ds would be able to come.

sibble · 21/03/2004 00:35

I would be angry too.
bobthebaby my mother had DH removed from OUR wedding photo so it is (in her words) just family - she has a 12"x12" hanging on living room wall. we are now in NZ as you know but until we moved the hairs on the back of DH's neck stood up everytime we went round and he had to look at it and to this day she can't see what she ahs done wrong!!!!!

carlyb · 21/03/2004 08:44

Mo2, I think you are a saint!

I am not saying that I am right, but if I was in your situation I would have gone mad. I think your DH is very lucky to have such a understanding and caring wife. With the passing away of your Mum as well I think that is a big thing to deal with, especially on mothersday. Your sil sounds like a right pain in the arse!! I would never insist a gathering was 'just family'. My dh and ds are my family and if my family didnt want them there, I wouldnt attend. We come as a package. It wouldnt be so bad if it was just for a day, but for a whole weekend.

The most insensitive part is that it is mothersday, if he does have to go to the parents alone next time your dh should say "I am not available that weekend, maybe next weekend".

I hope you will not have a bad day today! Treat your self to lots of choclate. x x

sobernow · 21/03/2004 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grommit · 21/03/2004 09:46

Mo2 - of course you are not being unreasonable - sounds to me like your in-laws are being very insensitive - and IMO so is your dh! You would expect granparents to want to see their grandkids at every opportunity but this is not always the case - my in-laws have no interest in my kids. Suggest you go out and enjoy yourself next weekend and leave dh in charge!

Podmog · 21/03/2004 10:48

Message withdrawn

jampot · 21/03/2004 10:59

You have my sympathy Mo2 - how very hurtful and insensitive of your SIL. She sounds jealous to me - I can't see how 2 more adults and 3 kids could make too much difference - the kids are your inlaws grandchildren after all. I hope you have a lovely day with your kids and just pity your loveless SIL.

eddm · 21/03/2004 11:10

You are not being unreasonable, I got angry just reading this. Don't think your SIL is covering from someone else, or her behaviour over the lift would have been apologetic, not obnoxious. What a cow. There were alternatives ? DH could have taken you and the kids to a nice hotel nearby so at least could have had Sunday together and said hi to FIL. Has he phoned today?
When they get back, I would seriously think about telling them just how upsetting and cruel they have been, leaving you alone when your mother has just died, for Mothering Sunday FFS. Otherwise this might fester.
I hope you have a good day with the kids.

StuartC · 21/03/2004 11:12

Gosh - I disagree with everyone!
The gathering of family without spouses/grandchildren is a completely different event than if they were present. Why would that offend you? I can understand your thoughts regarding Mother's Day, but otherwise I don't see the problem.
Would your girls' w/end to Florence have been the same if husbands had been present?
An elderly man having a rare get-together with his blood-family does not exclude the spouses from other events.
Let them enjoy their day together.

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