Pi$$ed off - am I being unreasonable...?

[Mo2]

OK, poor SB34 had me ranting about this the other night, but what's the collective view??

• dh has gone away for the w/e to his parents for his Dad's 80th birthday
• His (unmarried, childless) sister thought it would be 'lovely' if just 'immediate family' (i.e. the parents and their 3 kids) got together for an evening out where they could celebrate and reminisce
• therefore the two spouses and 3 grandchildren were not invited! (i.e. that incl. me and the kids)

Sooooooooooo - here I am, on my own with the kids until tomorrow evening. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, which I will spend on my own looking after the kids, AND given that my own Mum died last month, tomorrow's going to be a bit of a sad day for me anyway....

I'm pi$$ed off.

In his defence, DH would say that he did look after the kids while I went on a girls w/e to Florence last Nov, but even so, this feels different.

Worse still, I've just found out that the 'family celebration' isn't even a meal out (i.e. necessitating babysitting) but a stay at home event....so why, exactly, are the daughter-in-law and grandchildren not welcome???

What are grandchildren if not blood relatives?

I think what makes this particularly hard to swallow is (a) Mo2's mum has just died and presumably is feeling like she needs to be taken care of and (b) she's a mum herself and why should she fend for herself on this one special day in the year? On her SIL's birthday she should ask SIL to babysit and see how she reacts!!!!!!!

Just to clarify - I'm not suggesting Mo2's husband should have stayed at home but simply that being made to feel like an outcast on her one special day is insensitive.

I have to say that my mum died 2 years ago and mothers day is a difficult day every year, plus my dad died 4 years ago today as well (fortunately mothers day does not fall on the same day every year!"!!) Anyway anniversaries of everykind are hard to deal with when they remind you of the loss of loved ones. In so far as your SIL is concerned perhaps she was just being completely and utterly thoughtless to you and any mum on mums day(how would she know those feelings?) and was just into the fact that it is possibly the last birthday she/they will spend with their dad. I rarely get time to spend with just my siblings and would love to have more time, but i would never ever exclude partners and kids during family time ie weekends especially sentive special ones.

I think for what its worth, that the problem is that your husband has not thought about your feelings in this, could this also be because you ddidnt really give him any reason to think their was a problem.

Im sitting here about to be subject to my DPs entire family for the rest of mothers day which is painful because it underlines my own loss, BUT i wouldnt deprive him of having the time with his family either. Its just difficult. I think the real shame is he could have just gone up this morning and been back later tonight!!!

Hope your day turns out a good one could you spend it with your siblings??

No you're not being unreasonable- I had something similar last year. In our case dh wasn't that keen to go, and he's very clear about his "first" family for want of a better word, but everyone else was doing the whole- "oh it will be lovely to just have the family together" type thing. I think the problem is that for SIL her "family" is still her mum dad and dh. And for MIL I am definitely NOT family- lol ALthough maybe slightly more so than her son in law She's pregnant now though so maybe that will change.

It is difficult. Dh doesn't get to see his family as much as he would like (distance) so I didn't really want to resent the weekend. it was just the whole family thing that bugged me (even though he didn't buy into it).

sil is pregnant not mil

I think the timing is insensitive but, otherwise, I agree with your SIL I'm afraid - view probably coloured by my really disliking my SIL. In my experience, my brother acts completely differently when he comes to visit on his own, and I know my mum prefers to see him without his wife (and my mother is the paragon of the accommodating hostess).

Mo2, might it be possible to have another 80th celebration at which you and your children will be welcome - one that isn't full of (probably boring and incomprehensible to outsiders) family reminiscences?

Yes, your DH has been insensitive and yes, your SIL does sound a bit of a moo, and the timing is terrible, but it would probably have been dead boring for you and the kids and your boys would have got fidgetty and misbehaved and the grandparents and SIL would have got irritable with them...

I'm so sorry you have to be on your own today and hope it isn't being too sad for you, but if it is just let go and have a bloody good blub. Hugs.

HAd not enough time to read the full thread but you can be me, or better said your SIL could be mine!!! anyways, if it helps mine acts like that out of pure jealousy (sp?). It's a way to show that family is just the family whatever the additions it may have (me for example), curiously she doesn't act like that when she has a boyfriend, if it makes you feel better my sil not only was terribly rude to me at family gatherings she would set the table for four and then say, Oh! I'm sorry I forgot you were here ($£$*$£ no wonder she's still single!!)

Not surprising you feel left out but I think it is perfectly acceptable for your husband's family to organise an immediate family only event to mark something so momentous . Having spouses and kids there would make it a different occasion .
I am one of four. We are all married with kids, everyone gets on with everybody but my sisters and I often wish we could have a family do with just mum, dad and the four of us. This represents no offence to the spouses and all our kids but there is a long standing family dynamic between the six of us which can only really be enjoyed if it is just us!

Be honest, imagine your eightieth birthday...(I am assuming it is a long way away) Wouldn't it be great to just have you, your dh and your grown up kids back together again?

hi mo2, i would be simultaneously livid at not being asked and relieved i didn't have to go.

Snap, bk. But as the proud owner of a hugely tactless and clueless SIL I know how well they can twist the knife, Mo2. Sorry your weekend was not what you wanted.

ME TOO! Outrageous!

Podmog, black tie at LUNCH time? Never seen that before! Maybe you could point out to them that black tie attire is for the evening - might get you out of having to wear it! Or maybe I'm wrong and it's the norm these days....

Message withdrawn

OK - I've calmed down a bit... although I did wake up on Mother's Day morning and bawl my eyes out...

Sounds like DH & family did have a nice time, and FIL really enjoyed himself - apparently they all sat through a 3 hour slideshow of all the pictures from their childhood. (Maybe I had a lucky escape after all... )

Insensitive sister in law came back with dh though and stayed for tea, and I simply couldn't be nice to her, she kept saying things like "so did you have a nice weekend then?" err , no.....

I think as some of you said, it was just appallingly bad timing (and arranged before my Mum died) and I don't think they even realised it was Mother's Day when they planned it.

Anyway, FIL sent two cheques in an envelope with dh (for us to 'open together' ) - he's sent us some money 'to celebrate with him'. Suppose it's sweet, however guess what..... he got my name wrong, so I can't cash it... I never 'took' my married name - kept my maiden name - and he made it payable to Mrs XXXXXXX ! We've only been married 7 years....

You CAN cash it! I get checks in my married name and my bank account is in my maiden name. You just have to fill in a form at the bank.

I agree with you, I'd have been hurt to be excluded. Also, I can't imagine not wanting my grandchildren present on my 80th birthday. I don't think I could celebrate it without them, so it's to be hoped I get some!

Sibble, that's incredible! My ex's mother had her daughter's wedding picture on the mantlepiece with the shot angled so that the groom was missing. I thought that was bad enough, but to actually have your DH removed .........! My belief is beggard. I think your mum needs a meddle for most insensitive MIL of the year.

I must say I hate the idea of all this segregation of 'real family' from 'new family'. It's bad form in the extreme and I know my grandparents generation wouldn't have DREAMT of such a thing. I don't know what the world is coming to............................

Actually, I've been offline for a few days and just found this thread and it's left me speechless. I'm sitting here with my mouth open, just staggered.

My PIL had a big party for their 50th Anniversary, then asked for a day out with their 3 DSs & wives only. I was a bit peeved because both BIL's kids are older whereas ours are still too young to be left. I really really didn't want to go & couldn't think of anything worse! There's a big gap between DH & his brothers, & an even bigger gap between me & the SILs. In the event it went off OK, but not a gathering I'd join by choice!

I agree with jasper that sometimes it is nice to just be with your own parents and siblings & no extras. You can do all that "do you remember" stuff without boring the spouses to tears. I would also like to spend some time with my brother without my SIL- she's nice enough but overbearing! (Can see all sides here )

I do see that it would be nice to have the old family back together by itself, but not for such an important occasion as an 80th birthday party. There must have been a whole roomful of people present, by the sounds of things. IMO, they should have had the main big party, with everyone invited, then a lunch for just the original family the day after. I think that when my children are older, it would be nice to think that I could see them by themselves, but it's not likely to happen, really, not once they get families of their own. It's just one of those things in life that you can't have.