Lonely...

[Happymum1985]

... This sounds awfully self pitying, but I'm really lonely and its getting me down. Just before I fell pregnant I moved to a new city as DP got a new job. Left a lot of friends behind, and due to working fulltime and doing an evening job, I didn't really have the time to join any prenatal groups. I now have a 5 m/o DS who I adore, but am really missing having friends around- baby is great, but he doesn't talk back yet!! My DP works away a lot so I am often alone and don't have any family in the area. To top it off money is really tight for me, so can't afford to join any baby classes to try and meet other people that way- I have looked into it and they are pricey. Has anyone been through the same thing? Any suggestions?

There should be plenty of free things you can do locally and maybe your Health Visitor could put you in touch with various groups? Is money tight for 'you' or 'us'? Because, if it's just 'you' I'd suggest you rectify that, tell your DP that you're bored stiff as a result of his career move, and rejig the family finances so that you have more leisure money...

Have you tried all the local churches for toddler groups? Often they are free or ask for a 50p donation (though IME no-one checks and they may well not mind you not paying)
They quite often have little old ladies to help which can help prevent cliquiness and gives you someone to chat to.
Good luck- it will get better.
And where are you? Have you tried mumsnet local?

Yes I guess you're right, I mean my finances not ours. We have separate bank accounts, so I'm trying to live off maternity allowance (and pay rent and buy food out of this.. which doesn't leave a lot left over). Its hard, because I've vaguely tried to suggest we have a joint account, but it was met with quite a non-commital response. I havent pushed it because I don't want to come across as grasping-I'm pretty proud/ independent so prefer to just try and 'get by'! I will speak to my HV about free groups to join though, thanks xxx

Thanks poshme I will look into church groups and mumsnet local-I didnt know there was a mumsnet local- quite new to this! I'm in wales..

I definitely second the church groups. The one I went to ran them for the community and was welcoming everyone. Christian, Muslim or non!
It cost a pound and included coffee and cake.
It was a lifesaver. I never found it cliquey and used to head out to lunch with some of the mums. I did try a few before I found that one. They are all different and this one suited me.
Good luck!

Ooh happy where in wales? I am in cardiff.

Your DP is selfish to drag you away from friends and family and then expect you to exist on maternity allowance. No doubt you believe you've done all this voluntarily but 'non-committal' is a very poor response to someone who has done that, produced a child and so forth. You're very committed so why isn't it being reciprocated? It's not grasping at all to expect to have an equal amount of spending money as him. You're a family now, circumstances have changed and it's share and share alike. BTW when he's back from these frequent business trips, I hope you get as much free time to yourself as he's been enjoying.

You need to sit down with your DP and sort out the finances so you both have money to spend on yourselves. Money spend taking baby to baby groups should come out of joint money, not yours.

Tell him that on X night you are both going to sit down and work out a budget.

Oh dear, here we go.

What billy said. Baby costs are joint. Food cost is joint. DP needs to know. You need to sit down with him- its not grabby, it's not taking his money- it's sharing your joint money properly.

Who is caring for his child whilst he is at work earning his money and how much does he pay them?

Could you go to a toddler group at a local church. Some charge 50p or £1 to cover tea and coffee costs but it will help you meet people. I know your baby is quite young still but it will help you get out once a week to make some new friends :)

My first post was my reaction to the change in thread. For me, this suddenly wasn't a thread about a new mum getting cabin fever and needing practical tips. It was now a woman describing a damaging domestic financial situation.

What Vivacia said. You're parents. I hope by "rent" you mean your half not the entire rent...
Food and baby things are joint expenses.

...not that I'd pay 50% rent if I only earned 20% of dps wages, because I was at home looking after our child(ren)

Is he paying you maintenance then?

Child care fees?

Seriously, it's not ok to have finances so separate that you are struggling!

Particularly because you wouldn't be trying to live off maternity pay if you hadn't had his child!

In the immediate time though, church groups are fab!

Ooo Frog I'm in Cardiff too! Its weird, I didn't really know if our arrangement (or lack of) was acceptable or not. I really must sit down and talk finances with him- for some reason I find it quite hard to talk money, and I wish I didn't have to.

I did ask if I could not pay rent one month to play catchup a bit with my finances, but he said things were a bit tight that month and I havent been able to face asking since. It is difficult, because I know he gets bonuses, and I am there buying economy everything to try and break even. You are all right, its not right.

Its not that he is tight- he's actually quite generous, I just think it hasn't occurred to him how much I'm struggling. He even told me the other day that I worried too much about money?! I think maybe if this was sorted, it would be much less stress, and then I could focus on settling into a new place and 100% enjoying my son. By keeping it all in, I know I am starting to feel resentment about the whole situation.

I will definitely look into church groups- I hadnt realised you could go to them if you weren't religious. Thanks all... sorry this has been such a whingeing thread, I'm really not like this normally- promise!

It's not whingey but I have to say this separate finance thing is baffling when you have dc together.

Does he pay for dc?

OP it's not whingey. I think you might be interested in looking up "signs of financial abuse".

Well I get child benefit paid into my account.. but I am the one that buys nappies/formula/bibs etc.. If he has a day off he will randomly buy DC loads of clothes or something like that, but no, day to day stuff I buy. Although to be fair to him, when DC was born, he went out and bought the pump/ sterlisers/ sheets etc. I know, the more I think about it, it is a bit balmy isnt it...

That's not a plus, Happy that's just being a parent!

This child is the responsibility of both of you. You need to stop thinking that he's being extra nice or doing you favours by taking care of his own child!!!

I'm not criticising you. But I do think you're getting a pretty raw deal here!

Sheets?? That's the kind of stuff a parent provides as a basic.

I know you said you found it difficult, but your child needs you to do this, so you have to have this conversation now. I think that all money should be pooled and then once your budget covers your family outgoings the difference (if there is one) is split and you each get half.

I think it is hard when you each earn your own pot of money for someone to suddenly want some of it. That does not excuse it though.

You need to sit down and explain that previously you earned X you now earn Y so where is the shortfall going to come from?

I have been a SAHM for 10 years. Dh always earned far far more money than me so we each had our own accounts that our wages were paid into and we then paid money into a joint account to cover bills. But we were each left with the same amount of money each month despite him earning much more.

When I became a SAHM the only thing paid into my own account is child benefit and we use that as a cash account ie I take it all out in cash. But I have access to the joint account and a credit card to spend as I see fit. He pays it.

I don't spend stupidly, we have savings for big stuff like holidays, car service, clothes etc

Each year we sit down and have a look at everything we have spent money on, mortgage, food, clothes, holidays, car stuff, stuff for the house and work out if we are happy with it or go how bloody much have we spent on clothes damn those growing children!

But it is our money, not his. I save us childcare costs, cleaning costs, gardener costs etc etc

Re finding friends, lots of groups charge a teeny amount of money and lots are in church halls etc but clearly lots of MumsNetters go to them (like I did) so there are some great people there

Thanks so much Vivacia and ContentedSidewinder thats a really helpful insight into what most 'functional' couples are doing! Makes so much more sense. What should I do if he doesn't agree we should do it like that?

Do what contended said, lay the facts out and asks him what his solution is. You shouldn't be using savings as income though, unless you (both) put these savings aside specifically for the maternity leave.

I'm struggling to think what I would do, my partner and I are very much on the same wavelength when it comes to money. This was clear long before children came along. (For the record I earn three times what my partner does and it is all considered family money).