Arguing too much

[yoyo27]

I've recently started writing down when my DP and I argue as I wasn't sure if it was a lot of just my imagination. In April alone we argued on the 8th, 9th, 14th, 16th, 17th, 21st and 26th!!!!!

I really don't know what to do. I suggested the other day that we live separately and stay together. He said it wouldn't work and he wouldn't leave without our daughter (we have two but the youngest is a 4m old beastie baby).

Tonight had the kids in tears. He was telling them I was being mental again. Was I?? I really don't know any more. I don't know if it is me, him or both. He told me he is only with me for the kids. We both acknowledge that if we didn't have children together that we would've split up a long time ago (we actually argued very early into our relationship).

My son (7) has just wandered downstairs sleepwalking. This happened the last time we argued too. So it is affecting the kids now (there are 8 in total....he has two, I have 4, we have two together).

The smallest things escalate into the biggest of rows

Your poor son. It doesn't sound like staying together 'for the children' is actually doing them any good.

I don't know how serious these arguments are or whether you're just ill-suited, but unless you can stop arguing I would suggest you go your separate ways. Your 8 DCs will not benefit from being around all this hostility.

That is my feeling too. The hard part is that in making that decision, I will lose my two babies half the week as I know it would be 50/50 contact. My other four idolise him and will also miss out.

I feel so stuck. I own the house yet he won't leave it. Not that he can afford to anyway.

He DOES do a huge amount for the children and me, and it would all change so much if we separate. But I can't keep arguing. It gets so nasty too. I really am left just thinking it must be me. But it can't be!!

No, it's not all you. It takes two to argue and it takes two to make it better too. He needs to be as committed to change as you are, you can't be solely responsible for fixing this. You can change the way that you relate to him, but if it's a matter of fundamental disagreements I don't know how you deal with that.

I have found with my DP that just trying to understand how each of us deals with disagreements has helped. He needs to talk it out, I need some space to think and maybe just the opportunity to put it in perspective and let it go. Now that we know that about each other it stops him badgering me and then getting angry when I go quiet.

How do these arguments usually start?

Often it is when all the kids are here.....but tonight was a 'step parent' issue, and a completely petty one at that!!!

Basically, I bought my four a treat from the shop when he was taking his two home. My daughter happened to mention it when she went to the shop with DP and my DSS. Got home and DSS mentioned it to DSD. DSD asked why they didn't get one. DP said he would get them one. I asked why. He said "because you didn't get them one". I said that I didn't get them one as they weren't here!

Basically he feels that if my four have something during the week, if his two find out about it then they should have it too. My argument is that they get tonnes at their mum's (grand parents spoil them rotten too), that it doesn't always have to be equal.

I get his point, but surely I can treat my kids? I just bought my DD and DSD new beds and bedding each. Do I now have to buy the same for all of them? I bought DD2 a new dress online today.....do I need to get everyone something? I used to actually do this.....I believed in treating them all equally. But HE said no, that they need to learn that not everything in life is equal.

I went over to the shop and got everyone another one of what I had bought, and an extra one for his two children. Funnily enough his daughter actually forgot all about it!!! She literally put it to one side and forgot. So not so much a case of wanting it, but she didn't want to NOT have it!!

Just re-read that. The treat was on Tuesday x

Blending families is no easy task. Have you considered counselling? Maybe you can both find a better way to resolve issues between you that doesn't always descend into arguments.

Yes I've suggested it but he refuses. He thinks the problem is money! Which it isn't as we are fine.

It's like he made all these rules, but then doesn't want to stick to them!

He gave his two children an iphone each in early march... Not new, ones he had refurbished himself. Why? Because he felt they'd had a crappy Christmas as they didn't get what they asked for ( they did, but lots of it was unrealistic) and he always used to spoil them. Do I have to get my four something?

I really hate all of this stuff. We've only just started talking again after the last row!!

Just read my first message.....breastfed baby not beastie baby!!!

No apparently HE needs to get your 4 an iPhone each!

It is really difficult trying to find the balance with DSCs and your own DCs. I have a similar situation and there is always envy and rivalry when someone gets something new.

DP sometimes seems a bit embarrassed when he has bought his DDs a new toy but as we don't live together, it is his money to spend as he chooses and while he is very generous with my DCs, I don't expect him to always get them something too.

However, I can imagine if we lived together that the boundaries would be really blurred, as my DCs are with us most of the time, whereas his are 50/50 so he feels the need desire to treat them when he has them, whereas I need mine to learn that they don't get whatever they want whenever they want it a an I don't have an endless pot of money!

If most of your arguments stem from the step-parenting then it is probably salvageable if you can work out a better way to make sure everyone feels fairly treated. Could you try a book or some counselling for step families?

Sorry just seen that he won't go for counselling. He needs to accept that things aren't working as they are and that if he doesn't help to fix things that your family won't survive intact.

I do wonder how anyone manages a step situation without constantly arguing! We are all together once a week and that is enough to try my patience.

My daughter (8) told me that when I went to the shop he said to my kids "have a word with her will you, she has gone mental".

!!!!!!!!!

This happens so much and over sub stupid things!! He feels that I undermine him a lot, whereas I don't feel I do. If he has said something to the children, ie, asking them to do something, even if I don't agree with it, I still back him up. But if there is something that I completely don't agree with then I will say. For example, his daughter (11) and my eldest daughter (10) share a room. A couple of weeks ago my daughter stayed at my grandparents house. My DSD asked if her brother could sleep in the room with her. DP started to say yes but I said to hang on as it is (my daughters name) room too and she should be asked first. DSD had completely flipped out in the passed if my daughter has had a sibling up there during the week. Plus she once had a full on meltdown (like a two year old) because she wanted her own room (she actually had one at her mum's but because it was so messy her and her brother shared both a room, and a bed!). So she made all this fuss about a room. I said if she didn't want to be on her own in the room, that she should move her mattress into the other kid's room to be with them all together, it all massively kicked off!!!!! Yet imagine the row if one of my order kids slept in HER bed during the week!!

If it wasn't for the fact that this is my house, I would up and walk out with the children.

He told your kids to have a word with you as you've gone mental!? He sounds really disrespectful. That's so fucking far out of order I don't know what to say.

I feel for you with the issues with rooms etc. it's a bloody minefield. Obviously we all have our own rules and boundaries and even 'first time' families will have disagreements about parenting styles and things being fair, but my god it's hard when the children are getting conflicting messages from 3 or 4 parents, not just 2!

I honestly think you'd be better living separately, even if you want to continue in a relationship with him (for me, the 'mental' thing would be enough to call it a day, even if he was the father of my DCs).

You don't need his permission to split up, even if you have to get heavy with him to make it happen. If he won't listen to your very real concerns about the relationship and the family and he is undermining you by name-calling, he is not your partner and he doesn't have your interests at heart.

Thank you.....I am pleased I am not my own with this.

He thinks every row is me. But he doesn't realise how it all starts. Perhaps I am a little defensive, but if someone starts getting shirty with me then I am not going to sit and take it!

Last night I got the silent treatment, he sorted himself some good, went off to bed. Nothing to say to me today (I have spoken to him) and he has just left to take his two back to their mum without even saying goodbye. The kids wouldn't say goodbye either if it weren't for me saying it.....he never gets them to.

I just keep thinking we would be better apart. 50/50 with the girls, while heartbreaking, will mean I can move my business forward (currently work when the kids are all in bed, and often until the early hours) x

I just realised that I don't even know how to begin to end my relationship. My ex husband had an affair and left do I had no choice. But making the choice to end it is very daunting x

He sounds like a pest to be honest. I think you'd be better off and less pressured without him and his carping and 'silent treatment'. He is disrupting your peace and disturbing DCs, too. It will be daunting ending it but you may as well, anyone choosing to live like this has no sense (I don't mean you, I mean Mr 'I won't leave without our daughter'. As if he made her all by himself. Its silly talk, just an excuse for him to stay but not sit down with you and talk with a view to commiting to change and improving your relationship/stopping the arguments. You may find you get to a point where you simply can't tolerate all the noise anymore and want peace and quiet in your home, especially as its now at the stage of upsetting the DCs and disrupting your business/work, and you will give him the push. Maybe when you do this it will give him the shock he needs to commit to sorting this out with you. Or, maybe not..he may just go. But either way I feel you have to call his bluff.

Your life with him sounds extremely difficult and although you say it will be heartbreaking to split from him, it sounds as if its heartbreaking now. Perhaps you need to weigh up whether it makes sense to live the way you are, and how long into the future you want an argumentative relationship to blight your life. Also IMO staying together for the sake of the DCs often results in DCs growing up resentful at living in a hostile home environment, and resenting you. They want their happiness and wont necessarily see it as you remaining 'for their sakes'. Your DCs were in tears tonight and he is telling them you are mental....? Give him the push, see what he does. At the very least, his disrespect of you and disregard of the feelings he's creating in the DCs is appalling.

I have always been a person who speaks her mind. In my teens and twenties, my mouth often led me into trouble that I should have avoided. As I have grown in the Lord’s wisdom, I have learned how to speak the truth in love, when it is necessary. I have not perfected doing so (nor will I ever on this side of heaven), but I have come a long way from my tactless, crass earlier years. One of the tidbits of wisdom that has helped me is a principle that a pastor, who used to disciple my husband, taught us sometime around our fifth anniversary. It’s called the “One Fool At A Time” Rule. It is so simple, it’s almost scary. It is this: In any given exchange between two or more people, if one person is “actin’ a fool,” you can’t act one, too. Isn’t that simple? Now I will be the first to tell you that many of the principles I learn from God’s word are easy to understand, but difficult to apply. For some reason, the “One Fool” rule makes it easier for me to apply the above scripture to whatever situation in which I find myself.

I won't leave without my daughter, is his way of avoiding the issue. This threat makes you shut up and stop suggesting splitting up.

Does he work? Where did he live before he moved into your house? Who pays the bills?

You own the house, he may say he is not leaving, but he has no choice - if you don't want him there he has to leave. If he has no where to go, that is not your problem, he is an adult. Also presumably he can't take your daughter if he has nowhere to go. Do YOU think 50/50 is in the best interest of your kids if you split? Or is he a maintenance avoidance type of man who has suggested such an idea? Does he do 50% of parenting? Or do you do the little jobs?

Your children may appear to idolise him, however your daughter advised you of the mental comment, maybe they only appear to idolise him, as they feel it's what they have to do. Kids appearing to idolise doesn't mean a thing. You are teaching the kids that arguing is what happens regularly in relationships. They have no choice but to live in this atmosphere, you do.

Okay you have 2 joint children, as son and a 4 month DD? Well he won't get 50/50 time of a 4 month to start with - is she breast fed? Who cares for her most of the time?
50/50 is the starting point but other factors play into how it works out.
How much times does he have his other two children?

You need to show all your children that his behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable. For their sakes (and I include your DSC in this) as much as yours. Telling an 8 year old you are mental is totally unacceptable.

You need to plan, get any legal advice you need, and then just tell him to leave.
Do not argue or discuss - just do the broken record and tell him to go. I would be inclined to explain to your children why, that relationships need respect and as there doesn't seem to be any in yours you need to part.

Finally did you get together with him quickly after your ExH? It sounds a bit as though he may be a rebound relationship. I would suggest some time without a man and maybe some counselling, to ensure you know if there are any reasons other than bad luck that you have had too such "prizes".

There is no way he would have overnight with a bf baby. No court should order that. if you own the house and herrefuses to leave. Call the police and they will remove him. Then change the locks.

You are allowing him to treat you like this and your children will see this as how to be in a relationship.

Your self esteem and children will be much better when you kick hin out.

Thank you for all the messages. I agree that the "I will go but only with our daughter" is a way to shut me up, as he knows I won't allow that.

He sees his other two children every weekend, Friday to Sunday. My older four are always here as their dad isn't interested.

He is still giving me the silent treatment.

I was single for about 18 months before we got together (after a long marriage) but he had only been single a few months.

Before he moved in he rented a house out in his home town and then moved in with me and my brood.

He does a huge amount around the house. He works from home and does 9-5 hours, then come 5pm he takes over and does the dinner etc. so he is a very hands on dad. And step dad too, very active with my kids, things like taking them out on bikes, playing games in the garden etc etc. I have a very stress-free life in that respect.

But ultimately, yes, I don't want my children growing up thinking this is acceptable. It isn't. I hate it. I just want a peaceful life with fun and laughter in it. Xx

I've told him I want to talk tonight.

The only way I can ever see us working is to live apart. But still be a couple.

Head over heart decisions are hard xx

Very hard indeed. Its not so easy to get up and unravel everything, even when we know you should. Its heartbreaking. But you know, when the writing is on the wall sometimes it is for us, but we think it's for somebody else. Its your time now to try to effect change and live the peaceful, calm, happier life you deserve. You mentioned all the things he does, being a hands on dad, does stuff around the house etc. But, what about you? Im quite sure you're a hands on mum, you do stuff around the house, are active with DCs. Your attributes are just as important as his. & if all he does was enough for you, you'd be happy. Furthermore if alongside all he does are constant arguments then it just sours everything. Remember you deserve better from life than living like this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Thank you.

As much as he is great around the house, I find life extremely boring. We don't go anywhere often, including at weekends as we have all the children, a seven seater car (there's ten of us) so we don't fit.

I am extremely grateful to have all the stuff I have, especially to be blessed with six beautiful children. But I also want to enjoy life....with them too. Yet he is happy to sit indoors all day long.

I sound so ungrateful! He loves me, loves my children, is a hands on dad and hands on around the house.

I guess part of my problem is that I know I can do all that stuff on my own as I've done it before (admittedly with four children not six) x

You've done it again - listed all his attributes but not mentioned yours.

He could just as easily be grateful for all you have, to be blessed with beautiful children, want to enjoy life. Instead he wants to minimise enjoyment times, maintain arguments, and call you mental.

There are numerous other women who have partners who do all your man does in terms of the attributes you've listed - but they don't shout and scream and argue and call their wife names. Do you have any close friends you feel able to talk to in RL? I hope so. If not, please try to take time out for yourself (difficult with several DCs, I know!) & think clearly about what you want to do. Without seeing your DH as some kind of godsend; he isn't adding joy to your life and had told you he is only with you for the sake of the DCs anyway. Thats 'detachment' talk. & hardly inspiring for you. It may be hard for you in the beginning but I think you will be eventually happier without this man. Whatever you do, don't let him kill your zest for life will you? x