Arguing too much

[yoyo27]

I've recently started writing down when my DP and I argue as I wasn't sure if it was a lot of just my imagination. In April alone we argued on the 8th, 9th, 14th, 16th, 17th, 21st and 26th!!!!!

I really don't know what to do. I suggested the other day that we live separately and stay together. He said it wouldn't work and he wouldn't leave without our daughter (we have two but the youngest is a 4m old beastie baby).

Tonight had the kids in tears. He was telling them I was being mental again. Was I?? I really don't know any more. I don't know if it is me, him or both. He told me he is only with me for the kids. We both acknowledge that if we didn't have children together that we would've split up a long time ago (we actually argued very early into our relationship).

My son (7) has just wandered downstairs sleepwalking. This happened the last time we argued too. So it is affecting the kids now (there are 8 in total....he has two, I have 4, we have two together).

The smallest things escalate into the biggest of rows

I know you are absolutely right.

Okay, my attributes.....

First and foremost, I am a good mum. I have polite, well rounded, caring and nice children.

I am a good friend.

A good listener.

Reasonably intelligent.

A good business person.

Erm...not sure what else!

As for RL friends, I have them but don't see them. They have older kids and work. Those that I could see are not people I could discuss it with , ie, school mums. My family aren't close by and they wouldn't really listen (my sister talks over everyone, and when my ex husband left me my mum wasn't there for me at all). I tend to speak to friends I've made online.

I am in my late 30's and I still don't feel I've lived yet. My last holiday (and only adult holiday abroad) was in 2002.

Well - you know what your attributes are, thats good! & you know you haven't lived as yet. Only in your late 30s..you're still a young woman. You know inside what you want, what would make you feel as if you're living life, what kind of life/person would fulfill you. Sometimes you have to be brave - face yourself, know what you want and go for it. Its your life. 1 life - 1 chance. Whats the worse that could happen? Your DCs would still have you. You would still have them. You'd have less help in terms of your 'hands on' husband - but far less stress. A chance to make decisions for yourself and DCs, without the 'noise'. Even if it does end up that you're 'together but apart'. Think about it...

We've just had a long chat about it. Going to speak more tomorrow. He can't seem to get past thinking of living apart but staying together as a negative thing.

There are two options as I see it. Live apart but stay in the relationship and we get the best of all worlds....time together, time apart, time with our own kids, time all together.....or split for good. There's no third option for me xx

Good that you had a long talk. Together or apart, the arguments and the disrespectful talk about you simply has to stop. Or your relationship will flounder and fail. That really is the bottom line and has to be dealt with first. The way you talk/argue with each other will have a big impact on how you feel about each other. At least he knows your mind now and your plan is much more sensible than remaining and arguing for years into oblivion. You are a young couple there should be more to life than all this. Although having DCs will impact on your time there's still stuff you can do, even with the DCs in tow. You find a way. Where are your fun times? Relaxing times? Even without the arguments, you shouldn't be acting years older than your age...no holidays, etc..you can holiday in the UK with your DCs, for example. Hopefully your chat has given him a wake up call.

But then again, do you even have a relationship? He's already told you he is only with you because of the DCs. He doesn't sound like a man in love..would a man in love even say that to his partner? You have a lot to discuss. Stand your ground. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Either way, take your life back no-one has the right to distress you and insult you. Good luck

It certainly sounds like one of the issues is that he gives his 'own' DC preferential treatment over yours - eg if your DSD wants to have use of your DDs bed while DD not there, that's supposed to be ok, but heaven forfend if DD wants the same in reverse - mustn't happen as DSD will 'meltdown'. Same with the iPhones, the treats - your DCs are 2nd class citizens! That must be a quietly festering problem underneath the surface...

I think you need to do what best for you and your dc.

It sounds like he has set ideas on how he wants his family to be. He will just continue how he is. With his being on top, then his children.

One thing he did say was "there isn't one person in charge here".

I said it's 2014 not 1914.

He grew up with his grandparents so very old fashioned viewpoints x