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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you feel odd..........

27 replies

Blushingm · 26/04/2014 14:58

If your dh confided in his mum about intimate issues you and him were having?

Me and dh had an argument a couple of weeks ago and he went over to see his mum. Apparently he was crying and told her about some issues we e been having. Dh sometimes can't get hard or if he doesit doesn't last at all. It's been going on years - I've tried being supportive buts it's starting to just feel like he doesn't fancy me or find me attractive at all Sad.

I was over at mil the other day and she started trying to discuss it with me - I just felt that dh shouldn't discuss something so intimate with her and she shouldn't have tried to discuss it with me

Or am I just being prudish??????

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 26/04/2014 15:01
Shock

No you're not being prudish :(

TheGirlFromIpanema · 26/04/2014 15:01

Well he probably feels like it is his problem, so he can talk to whoever he wants about it.

I agree though, I'd feel funny discussing it with a partners mum tbh.

NewNameForSpring · 26/04/2014 15:02

No he shouldn't have shared that with his mother. Jesus.

He should be talking to you and the doctor. That's all.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/04/2014 15:03

Well, it's not the norm in my family to discuss issues like that but I know plenty of people who would talk about that with their parents and that's not wrong either. He's having a problem and he can talk to his mum if he wants, even if it's embarrassing for you.

KellyHopter · 26/04/2014 15:08

He's perfectly entitled to speak to his mum.
I don't think she should have broached the subject with you though.

EBearhug · 26/04/2014 15:09

"I'm upset, we had an argument, things haven't been going so well lately," I could live with. Telling his mother about how things are in the bedroom - no! Who wants to talk to their parents about their sex life? I can understand talking to someone (GP), but someone who is less involved.

hoppingmad · 26/04/2014 15:16

I think it's fine for him to speak to his dm, in fact I think it's lovely that they have the sort of relationship that means he can confide in her about sensitive issues.
I don't think she should then discuss it with you though

ThePriory · 26/04/2014 15:42

It's a bit strange IMO, and somehow sorry but the connection between that particular problem, and talking to mummy about this particular problem.... creates a sort of cause-and-effect link... mummy's boy?

jjsuk · 26/04/2014 15:45

It's fine. He needs people he can count on his life too. He's not your possession to dictate to. If you have a problem with it divorce him.

Lweji · 26/04/2014 15:54

I'm more interested in why she thought she should discuss it with you.

Has he been to the doctor?
ED can be a consequence of other problems, even heart disease.

Vivacia · 26/04/2014 15:56

I think it's ok for him to discuss this with her. I don't think that means you should.

Lweji · 26/04/2014 15:57

Also, I have the type of mother and had the type of MIL that would discuss their intimacy with me. Hmm

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 16:10

Oh :( I can see both points of view here, I have splinters.

On the one hand, it's his Mum and even though it affects you a lot it's a problem he has (different if it was you who couldn't get it up/keep it up iyswim) so he should be able to talk to anyone he wants about it. It's nice he can talk to his Mum really.

On the other hand I can see how incredibly embarassing it could be for you to have your sex life discussed with his Mum and how it would make me feel (inadequate, unattractive etc) in front of her.

I hope he feels as able to discuss it with you and his GP - both of which can probably help a lot more than his Mum really.

How is everything else in your relationship?

ChocFudgeCake · 26/04/2014 16:16

If it bothers him/you then the person to speak to is his doctor. Why o WHY would he need to tell his mum?? I can understand that if they are that open, she must feel that it's ok to bring it up with you. My inlaws are quite open too and I hate it. My MIL will tell whoever wants to listen that she was a virgin when she got married Confused Hmm Equally they like to ask all sort of personal things, I have worked hard on my stuck-up cow image so they let me alone :)

Appletini · 26/04/2014 17:00

I am personally more concerned about your lack of understanding and your making his problem all about you. I'm not surprised he confided in someone else, bit odd that it's his mum but you really are taking the wrong approach by thinking it's all about you...

hookedonchoc · 26/04/2014 17:07

Him discussing it with his mum I would say is no worse than you posting about it here. That's not to say you shouldn't, just I don't see either as better or worse than the other really. Her breaking his confidence by talking to you about it - dreadful - if I were him I would be mortified.

DontCareAboutYourShoes · 26/04/2014 17:13

Man talks to his mum shocker.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 26/04/2014 17:14

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO he should not discuss something like that with his mother. A mate possibly, but not his mother.

How would she like it if you turned round and said "Well it's only a problem when we try anal - the thought of anal always really turns him on, and on the few occasions he's achieved it, we've had some really explosive orgasms, but mind you, the blow back the next day - my God my arse was dripping spunk and runny poo for hours - not sure it was worth the fuss to be honest."

He should not discuss anything intimate about your relationship with his mother and she should not discuss it with you either. End of.

Original poster
Blushingm · 26/04/2014 17:30

It's not that he's discussed it. It's just that it's with his mum and then she tried to discuss it with me!!!!

She also told me her and fil haven't had sex for more than 3 years as he has issues getting an erection - I ft vvvv uncomfortable with that knowledge too!

Thanks for all your replies - I appreciate it

I can't help how I feel in thinking that it's about how he feels about me - I have tried to be supportive for a long time!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/04/2014 19:05

I talk about my marriage with my parents, if my DH had parents he could c

Joysmum · 26/04/2014 19:06

...confide in I'd see that as perfectly normal.

I would not expect my parents to interfere and speak to DH about things though. That's inappropriate.

Lweji · 26/04/2014 19:29

Part of being supportive would be sending him off to his gp.

It affects you too, and I'm sure he'd expect the same if sex hurt for you and you couldn't have intercourse.

If he can talk about it with his mum I'm sure he can talk yo a professional.

You shouldn't assume it's about you.

It could even be from porn abuse on his part.

LEMmingaround · 26/04/2014 19:33

Has he sought help from his GP? can you find other ways to enjoy sex until its sorted?

unlucky83 · 26/04/2014 19:42

Maybe he is worried that you think it is your 'fault' and he told his mother that isn't the case....
Did DP ask her to talk to you about it? - or did she just think she could help reassure you?...
Still I'd die if that happened to me -
(but seeing as DP's mother doesn't speak English the sign language involved doesn't bear thinking about Blush)

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing · 26/04/2014 19:45

Talking to his mum about his problem - ok.

Her (over) sharing with and advising you - bleach your brain.

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