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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

NC for a year with my sister. She wants to talk. WWYD?

28 replies

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 14:56

Went NC with sister due to lots of little issues. Seriously over stepping boundaries. Insulting me after I had a MMC. Critical of my dp & dc.

Finally I lost it when she started talking nonsense about my ds who has ASD. I literally shut down. Cut her off. Told her why. Even though we were very close, I haven't missed her...probably makes me a bit weird!

There will be an event in a couple of weeks I can't avoid. My sister will be there. She texted me today, saying, did I think it was time we had a chat. My gut response was NO! But I've got to face her at some point. I've not seen her at all. Our parents are ill & possibly not many years left. They both want us to make it up. We also have another sister & brother.

So should I talk to her? Is there any point? I know she hasn't changed but i have so not sure how to manage this. Should i make up even if it's all false just for our parents sake?

Thanks for any advice. I'm exhausted thinking about this & have lost all perspective.

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 26/04/2014 14:58

How do you know she hasn't changed?
I'd meet up, tell her you won't tolerate any crap from her

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2014 15:00

As the saying goes, 'jaw jaw is better than war war'. If you avoided every difficult person you met in life, you'd end up fairly isolated. You don't have to make up for your parents' sake and I don't think you're ever going to be best buddiess, but some kind of dialogue IME is usually better than a strained silence. At the very least she'd have the opportunity to apologise.

Original poster

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 15:04

She texts me instructions. Makes plans that affect all the siblings, but never discusses it with others. Just tells them what she has organised & what they have to do.

If i told her I won't tolerate any ' crap' from her she would say she's has never behaved in a 'crap' way.

At Christmas she made plans for.my dc but didn't ask me or discuss them with dp or I... that sort of thing!

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/04/2014 15:10

Well, this getting together for "a chat" is just more instructions which she expects you to follow.

You decide whether contact with her is life-enhancing or not. Just because you will be at the same social gathering does not mean you have to pretend to be best buddies, or even speak to her when you're there at all.

You're in control, so you decide.

What would I do? Ignore her and her blandishments. What she wants is nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If she was a friend rather than a blood relative it's doubtful whether you would care enough to be asking this question of yourself.

Original poster

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 15:14

If she wasn't my sister I wouldn't have tolerated her.

My mum & some of my aunts are similar sorts of people. Very dominant. Their way is the best/only way. If you don't agree with them your in the wrong. That sort of way- i don't know if I've described a particular sort of personality but they are all difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2014 15:17

What you said next changes things. 'NC' usually means you haven't been in contact with each other but, for her part at least, that doesn't seem to be the case. She sounds like a dreadful bully.

NewNameForSpring · 26/04/2014 15:22

You could always text back saying "let's be civilised and polite at the event but I am not interested in anything deeper."

Then the event is covered and no one will be uncomfortable, including you, but you are not getting closer which is obviously not what you want.

If you haven't missed her, surely that says a great deal. Have you felt better without her?

Original poster

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 15:37

Yes i have felt better without her.

It's been a serile year. I lost my amazing mil very suddenly last summer, dp has been ill now facing an operation. Had a baby. Been diagnosed with a life long condition. Ds had to have an operation. Ds5 being assessed for ASD. Our mother had a stroke. So pretty awful but I've not missed her.

She has little digs all the time...Eg: dp was applying for new jobs. Sister asked how he was getting on. I said no luck so far. She said 'It's probably because he's morbidly obese'! He not obese but a bit chubby..
abit like herself!

When i had a MMC. I called her as i was in a real state. Her reply, ' Sorry i need to go I'm going to be sick'. She called me back & said the idea if me being pregnant made her feel physically sick...

I would pop round & she'd say, 'Is that a spot on your nose' No you bitch it's psoriasis!

I'm trying to describe her but it's so hard. I always let things go as I felt she only did or said stuff cos she loved me & had good intentions.

OP posts:

Hissy · 26/04/2014 15:39

Agree with NewName.

She was a total bitch to you at christmas texting your dd behind your back and making plans iirc.

These are yet more instructions, she's saying 'don't you think it's time for a chat' meaning "have you got over yourself yet. She's not taking any responsibility for any of her previous actions, and just wants you to snap back into whatever hole she had you in before.

Agree to be civil at the event, tell her anything you have to to achieve that, and then go back to NC after the event

She's learned nothing.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 26/04/2014 16:53

From everything you've said, um, no!

Why don't you text her back 'depends if you're prepared to hear a few home truths about what a domineering, inappropriate, pushy nightmare you are. Or shall we just stick to polite hellos at the event? Bottom line is, unless you start learning a bit of respect you can just go jump. Maybe that's all there is to say?'

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/04/2014 19:08

When i had a MMC. I called her as i was in a real state. Her reply, ' Sorry i need to go I'm going to be sick'. She called me back & said the idea if me being pregnant made her feel physically sick...

That would be the reason I never uttered a single word to her ever again.

BorisJohnsonsHairdresser · 26/04/2014 19:15

If you have someone on the Autistic spectrum in the family, did it not occur to you that she and your Aunts may be also?

Original poster

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 20:49

I have 2 ds with ASD. My dad, uncle & brother all have ASD but no diagnosis.

I work with adults with ASD.

My sister & aunts arnt on the spectrum...

OP posts:

TweedleDi · 26/04/2014 21:38

Are you sure? It can present differently in females...

BorisJohnsonsHairdresser · 26/04/2014 23:35

That is what I was told Tweedle. The sister sounds like she is struggling socially.

Original poster

Pigginnora · 26/04/2014 23:56

My sister does not struggle socially! I've not mentioned her struggling socially, I've described her behaviour towards me. She's not like this with friends. She's an incredibly successful business women works in the care industry.

She behaves very differently with her family. db & my parents let her. My other sister stood up to her years ago & i sat on the fence until last year.

OP posts:

TakingTheStairs · 27/04/2014 03:51

She sounds toxic Pigginnora. I'm sorry that she is so nasty to you and I think the text as suggested above about remaining polite but that's it sounds like the way to go.
Personally I would ask her if she wanted to talk so she could apologise. But I would still be very bitter and would want to let her know that she's not off the hook. This might not be the most sensible route to take

Tealady1983 · 27/04/2014 05:22

I could have totally wrote this. I have been NC with my sis for 3 yrs and it's the best thing I did. We too have a asd child 5 and baby and when dd was born she wanted to come see her, don't think so. She was very critical of dh as he doesn't work he is ds full time carer she calls him a lazy bastard... Would live to see her look after an asd child. She is a nasty toxic piece if work but only ever with me. She has loads of friends and her dh adores her. Inbox if you want op and stick to your guns x

BorisJohnsonsHairdresser · 27/04/2014 09:59

What about you OP, have you been assessed for ASD?

RobotLover68 · 27/04/2014 10:10

I'm a bit confused about the NC - if you're NC how is she still dictating to you re: family events etc. or have I the wrong end of the stick?

Ask her what it is she wants to chat about - if she just says "the situation" get her to explain, get her to say what she actually thinks the problem is - if she comes out with something along the lines of "you need to get over this" you can either ignore or just come back with "no thanks"

Remember, she is not the boss of you

Original poster

Pigginnora · 27/04/2014 10:27

Robot my sister sends texts to me & my other sister telling us of plans or arrangements. So far we've not attended or ignored her texts. The event that's coming a up is unavoidable. Our father has asked us if we will all attend. He's never asked before & it really upsets him that we don't get on. I feel I should go.

Tealady That's how my sister talks about my dp. My dp does work. My sister has a massive issue with me working part time as she's thinks everyone should work full time. She offered to have our older ds once...20 min's later she was on the phone asking us to pick him up! it didn't change her attuide...

OP posts:

Hissy · 27/04/2014 10:53

Why is your father not supporting your decision to cut a bully from your life?

Every 'even' is avoidable. Remember that. You don't have to do what you are told.

You are an adult, you run your life.

Ignore your sister, do what you want to do.

NutellaLawson · 27/04/2014 10:59

Hairdresser - do you have some kind of agenda here? You're being a bit aggressive with your ASD diagnoses.

I'm watching this thread with interest as I'm nc with my dad, who will be at my sister's wedding later this year. I do think there had to be done mind of apology or acknowledgement that their behavior has caused offence BEFORE there can be any dialogue.

my plan fire the wedding is to test dad like a strange. I'll avoid getting into any conversation groups with him in.

NutellaLawson · 27/04/2014 11:00

stupid autocorrect. hope people can see through its malapropisms.

BorisJohnsonsHairdresser · 27/04/2014 11:00

No.

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