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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend went no contact

29 replies

SorrowfulSong · 26/04/2014 13:02

A few years back a mutual (single) friend of mine and DH's confessed that he was really quite attracted to me and wanted to sleep with me. This was on a weekend away with a big group of us staying in the same house. We'd all had quite a lot to drink and me and friend were the only ones still up. Although I found him quite attractive, I told him that I loved my husband and I couldn't take him up on his offer. I told DH about it a couple of days later and he was very surprisingly calm about it all. He didn't let on to friend he knew what had been said.

A few months after that, DH suggested that we be more open with our relationship and he asked if I was still attracted to friend. I said that I was, but since that weekend away neither myself or friend had talked about what had been said. About a year later my DH text our friend from my phone as me, basically telling him that I was still attracted to him. During all this time, we had been in very frequent contact (the whole group on the original weekend) via an online programme like Skype, as we all live quite a way from each other. Friend had remained single and also was flirty on occasion with me. After this text he completely ignored me and went no contact. He then pretty much extracted himself from our group and very infrequently speaks to one friend. Our group of friends that he is in doesn't meet very often, so we'd just chat online during the week. Due to commitments of various friends this was happening less and less anyway, so his silence hasn't been so noticeable. No one knows why he's gone silent apart from me and DH.

It's been about 10 months since he went no contact and I know it sounds quite ridiculous but I miss talking to him. Even though I found him attractive I really cared for him as a friend too and I was really upset when he just cut me out of his life. At the time I was furious with DH for texting friend from my phone. DH said that he wanted to let friend know I was available in a sense, because DH and I had agreed to be more open and DH wanted me to sleep with friend if the opportunity was there still. I was agree that DH had cost not just me but our group a friend. DH apologised to me, but I find myself still annoyed with him these many months later. I didn't tell our friend that it wasn't me who text him, I just apologised to him via text and asked him to ignore the first text message. Obviously he didn't reply to either text and sometimes I wonder why he just went instantly no contact.

The one friend he does still talk to every now and again mentioned him in general conversation this week and it brought it all back. It'd be stupid to try and recoonect with friend wouldn't it? (On a purely platonic level of course!)

OP posts:
Paloma12 · 26/04/2014 13:04

Yes.

Lilaclily · 26/04/2014 13:05

you are worrying about the wrong thing here!

Your dh wants to shag other women

Brittapieandchips · 26/04/2014 13:07

I would go mad at DH. Regardless of anything else, it is your choice who you tell who you fancy.

shakinstevenslovechild · 26/04/2014 13:07

Your dh is trying to set you up to sleep with other men,and he is messaging another man pretending he is you and asking for sex.

I think the loss of this friendship is the least of your concerns.

FunnyFoot · 26/04/2014 13:09

I agree with Lilac.

SorrowfulSong · 26/04/2014 13:13

Thank you for your replies.

I know it'd be silly, it's just the whole him being mention again made me think that he did used to be a really great friend and I miss that if I'm honest.

Lilaclily - DH and I are happy to have a more open relationship. We discussed it in depth at the time. Neither of us have yet utilised that so to speak, but that is something that doesn't worry me.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/04/2014 13:13

Bloody hell, your DH sounds vile! Why was he trying to act as your pimp?

The friend sounds like he's much better out of this awful situation. I just wish you were, too.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/04/2014 13:13

Your DH is trying to pimp you out to his mates. That's the issue here.

MsBumble · 26/04/2014 13:13

I agree with the others that there was something to wonder about when your husband sending him a text from your phone confirming there was still an attraction.

I think telling him originally and again telling him you were still attracted to the friend was the wrong thing to do, and getting back in touch with this person is probably not a good idea for the sake of your marriage.

MsBumble · 26/04/2014 13:15

Oh I just saw you would both be ok with an open relationship? In that case disregard my last post. It wouldn't be so bad to contact him then I suppose - if he is also open to re-connecting with you.

gamerchick · 26/04/2014 13:20

Yeah pimp.. that was the word my brain was searching for while I was reading your post.

You're alright with your bloke dishing you out? How many does he have on the go atm.

Personally I wouldn't get back in touch with this friend.. just leave it alone.

gamerchick · 26/04/2014 13:22

It's all very well to agree to an open relationship if both parties are happy but find your own shags. I wouldn't be happy with my dude trying to hurry me up.

mercibucket · 26/04/2014 13:43

open relationship is one thing but this sounds like either
your dh is shagging around already and just wants you to so he doesnt feel guilty
or
your dh wants to control who else you sleep with

personally, both would annoy me

arent there any other people you fancy?

RedFocus · 26/04/2014 14:07

Personally I think your ex mate is better off without the pair of you. Your dh has acted very badly towards this poor man trying to involve him in your 'open' marriage for his own pleasure. I suspect he feels very hurt that he would use him like that. It's your business what you two do in your marriage but I think it's disgusting how your dh tried to 'pimp' you out to one of your friends and that's probably why your ex friend has gone nc. I am surprised you are ok with this but then I would never have agreed to an open marriage either. Leave the poor bloke alone op!

MistressDeeCee · 26/04/2014 14:16

You all sound confused OP, to be honest. Your mate knows you're married yet feels cool to tell you he fancies you. You then tell your DH what mate said, and DH is cool with it too (probably thinking "Yes"!! I've got my green light to shag around now), actively encouraging you to sleep with your mate to the point of actually texting your mate as you. & he is likely to have been very blatant in that text..it would hardly be about 'romance', would it?

Leave this guy alone. As bad as he behaved in the 1st place he's done the best thing by extricating himself from you & your DH, and not getting involved in your life games. & I doubt he'd want to resume friendship with you anyway. He is steering clear of the pair of you, so respect his decision. & maybe you and your DH could try respecting yourselves - particularly your p.i.m.p. DH who will probably soon be seeking out another bloke for you to sleep with anyway, in the open 'set-up' he wants.

naicesex · 26/04/2014 14:22

Hmm one wonders if your DH was trying to set up a threesome or watch you having sex.

Not good OP that he didn't talk this through with you first. Devious springs to mind. What else is he hiding?

bumbumsmummy · 26/04/2014 14:39

Yes you'd be silly he's gone no contact for a reason respect his friendship and back off fwiw

It sounds like your friend is a stand up bloke who doesn't want to get in the middle of a complicated situation

Your DH sounds charming even if you do want an open relationship the reality is far less sexy and it sounds like he's very keen for you to go first which I would question

Can I just ask if push came to shove open with your DH or monogamous with friend ?

CoffeeTea103 · 26/04/2014 14:44

Actually both you and your DH sound like freaks. He basically wants to pimp you out and you are ok with this? Sorry but you both need help. This is not a normal situation! Maybe your friend picked up on this and decided to run for the hills. You are worrying about the wrong things here.

FunnyFoot · 26/04/2014 14:54

Harsh with the word freaks there Coffee

An open marriage is not unheard of and quite a few couples live this way. This does not make them freaks.

Granted the OP needs to look a little closer at her situation but naming calling from you will not help. Grow up Coffee.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/04/2014 15:04

I would go absolutely stratospheric if that happened to me OP! Jeeze I can see why some people get the kettle lead wound round and pulled tight!

Hoppinggreen · 26/04/2014 15:23

Sounds like the ex mate has higher standards than your DH and has decided he wants no part of your unusual arrangements.

Hissy · 26/04/2014 15:31

Who's idea was this open business? You said you told your H about the friend's confession and you seemed surprised at his calm response.

The open stuff came after this did it?

Your H is your problem I think. There's something not right there, and i'd be apoplectic if anyone texted anyone on my behalf on any subject, let alone sleeping with someone else.

jjsuk · 26/04/2014 15:46

What a clusterfuck of a relationship

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/04/2014 22:55

I've been on this board for seven years and this is a completely new circumstance I have never come across before.

I am in agreement with the posters who validate the friend's decision to go nc.

I also agree that your dh is being duplicitous and is perhaps nurturing a hidden agenda.

The only thing I can think of to add, SorrowfulSong, is that you might be well advised to put a password/security measure (that you do not share with your dh) on your phone. He must be a smoothe talker, even at length, yet it is ok to say "NO" to your "d"h... just saying.

Brakeover · 26/04/2014 23:06

Did you actually see the trait your dh sent from your phone?
And did he send other texts to this man from his own phone I wonder?
And is this for real ?