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Original poster

so, it seems single men don't like women who have a child....

39 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 26/04/2014 09:11

Oh dear. I dipped my toe in the water into online dating (having last used it three years ago). ZERO messages. Given that I used to get loads, I can only assume that it's because I now have a little chap of my own.
I've now deleted my profile.
I have a feeling that meeting someone new is going to be really hard :(

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/04/2014 09:14

That's not true at all. You've just had a bad experience.

I was single after having a dd and going through a messy divorce aged 28 and I had lots of boyfriends :) (and lots of fun too). You do get some idiots but then you would anyway. I then met my now dh a few years ago and we now have a son together.

Don't give up. There are honestly plenty of men who aren't put off by a single mum. The main thing I would say is cultivate your interests aside from your little one so you have lots of conversation and expand your social circles. I have never found men to be put off by me either being divorced or having a young child.

Frogisatwat · 26/04/2014 09:14

Have you tried any of the single parents dating sites?

screweduppotatoe · 26/04/2014 09:15

I was also a single mother of three children about three years ago. I too had been single for three years prior to trying out online dating. I was always open about being a mother and still managed to have a few dates. The final chap that I dated is now my husband, an excellent step-father to my daughters and a fantastic dad to our son.

It can work. Don't give up!

Frogisatwat · 26/04/2014 09:21

Also to a certain extent having a child kind of separates the wheat from the chaff.. as fairy says you still come across idiots but you can pretty much find out early on who wants just a fb or might be open to a more meaningful relationship.
I used to state I had full time care of my children. It probably discounted a lot of men from the start but I still met a nice man. It didn't work out long term but he wasn't an arsehole by any means

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 26/04/2014 09:23

I tried the Guardian one. I expect MSF will be even worse so I might not even try as I don't want my confidence trashed even more...
Thanks for the positive words. I will try and stay upbeat!
I have plenty of chat so can certainly amuse someone when I meet them - its meeting them that's the problem!

OP posts:
zippey · 26/04/2014 09:23

Are you just waiting for responses to your ad or are you activley messaging people whose profiles you like?

cantbelievethisishppening · 26/04/2014 09:26

There are plenty of fellas who do not mind dating someone with kids. I married one of them Smile

SweetErmengarde · 26/04/2014 09:40

Please don't think this way, OP. I dated prolifically after having DS1 and splitting from XP. Didn't do online dating, just concentrated on friendships,interests etc. and let things take their course.

The point is, in all that experience, ranging from good to dull to so bad it was funny, not one man was repulsed by the knowledge that I was a single mum.

I met DH seven years ago through friends. DS1 took an instant shine to him when they eventually met (took that v. slowly!) and we now have DS2 together.

I cannot stress enough, this is not unusual.

And just for some context, I was TURNED DOWN by eharmony as based on my answers they could not find any quality matches for me.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/04/2014 09:52

I found the exact same on guardian soulmates. I have my theories on this.

Find another site. i recommend match. It was rich pickings there ;) (admittedly eight or nine years ago)

Deftones · 26/04/2014 11:10

I didn't find this at all. I have always been a lone parent, I did online dating on and off for 2 years, now about to get married to a wonderful man who loves my DD as his own.

There are plenty of arseholes but plenty of good guys too! Try different sites. Good luck! Smile

SolidGoldBrass · 26/04/2014 11:19

Some are, some aren't. Not everyone is interested in becoming a step-parent, some people dislike children in general, others are at a stage in their lives when what they want is fun ie late nights, clubbing, disappearing off to Ibiza at a moment's notice, etc. Keep trying - one of my friends was a single mum and met her now-H through Guardian Soulmates.

Offred · 26/04/2014 11:36

Why are you so sure it is the dc? I've had loads of interest (likes) on there despite having 4 dc and not ever actually using it because I've got a bf - just failed to delete profile. I've got a lazy profile and a shit picture too and definitely mention the dc. How long did you give it?

I have not had trouble finding people willing to date me since I've had dc. Had one bf who was put off by the dc, that's fine I understand that but he was not honest about it and tried to bullshit me which was hurtful and confusing. Better to have people not take an interest in the first place if they aren't interested in someone with dc.

Offred · 26/04/2014 11:38

Tbh at this point I'm not interested in anyone being a step-parent either though. I'm quite happy with the current arrangement where my boyfriend is just that - a bf and has very little to do with the dc at all beyond playing with them a little before he leaves for work in the morning when he has stayed over.

The dc have a dad.

chipsandpeas · 26/04/2014 11:49

its personal preferences.... as a single woman with no kids, last time i ventured onto online dating i ruled out men who said they had kids yes its selfish of me but a couple of bad experiences with men who have kids its not a route i really want to go down again....not completely ruling it out mind you but im not actively seeking it

it would be a interesting experiment to try and not mention your DC on your profile and see what happens, then you will know for sure but i would keep up at it maybe try a different site

vichill · 26/04/2014 12:01

ime immature needy or alpha male type men are definitely put off. my dh was single for years because the only (perfectly acceptable and attractive) interested women his age had kids. He is very old fashioned and said wouldn't want his kids vieing for attention with another man's Shock very caveman like in some respects but overall he's nice...honest.

my brothers gf has a child and I can tell he resents not being number one in gf's life.

But I know lots of other men who really don't mind. most over 35 will have at least 1 themselves and expect a potential partner to have them.

Fairylea · 26/04/2014 12:27

I think it's fair to say different people want different things too. Personally when I began dating as a single parent I didn't want to go for a man who had children himself. Double standards perhaps but I already had all the baggage and stress that my own previous relationship had and the logistics of juggling dd being away every other week - I didn't want to multiply that by two by adding another in the same situation as myself.

So I always went for younger, child free men. My dh is 8 years younger than me and my boyfriend before him was the same age as dh. Not necessarily that they were younger, it just seemed that the child free ones were if you see what I mean.

However, my sil went dating specifically hoping to find someone who was a single dad. So they would understand her situation with the children. My own personal idea of hell to be honest but it's worked for her and she is now happily settled with a man who has a 4 year old daughter and they all live together.

I met dh on plenty of fish. Worked for me. Just blocked and deleted all the idiots :) there were lots of idiots but it's free so there are more people overall. However I've also dated people through working part time in restaurants and hotels and some through mutual friends.

getthefeckouttahere · 26/04/2014 12:41

Don't give up four legs,

i'm a bloke, i OD, and i only date people with children. I found that those who don't have kids just can't (no matter how hard they try) understand what a huge part of my life my kids are, (i have 50% care) whereas women who have kids obviously just geddit.

I do however try to make it clear that i do have time for a relationship.

good luck.

MsBumble · 26/04/2014 13:42

I have two kids and had absolutely no problems dating, I was actually more picky than them (I too went for single guys with no children for the same reasons as above). There are men out there who won't find you appealing for a variety of reasons - but those are not the men you'll be focusing on so forget them.

Positive mental attitude and all that jazz, it's very much a myth that having children will prevent you finding love again.

FolkGirl · 26/04/2014 20:39

I have two children and a never married/no kids boyfriend.

I don't think he's intending on becoming their step dad, but I don't want that anyway.

He certainly isn't put off by them, though. He's met them and talks/asks about them. They're certainly not a problem for him and he completely understands that they are my priority, even if it means we don't see each other as much as we'd both like.

FolkGirl · 26/04/2014 20:40

In fact, he often tells me how lucky I am to have them.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2014 20:43

Honestly, back when I was single and childfree, I would not date a man who had kids. If I went on dates with someone and found out he had kids, I ended it all immediately.

Now, of course, I'd be open to it, but am no longer single.

frogslegs35 · 27/04/2014 01:15

Don't give up OP.
It's not true that all men think that way, my dp certainly wasn't arsed about me being a mother of 3.
Give it another go and don't be afraid to initiate contact if you like the look of someone.

Eekaman · 27/04/2014 04:03

Unless you used exactly the same wording, on the same site, with the same photos as your previous listing some years ago, you can't compare the results to this one.

Reword your ad, try a different site, different photos, kids are not off putting, in any event, lots of us have them. It's not like they are rare :)

UtterFool · 27/04/2014 08:17

My last partner had two kids from her previous marriage and it wasn't a problem for me.

It depends greatly on the individual. Some guys don't want the added complication while for some it isn't an issue.

PollyIndia · 27/04/2014 08:40

I think in the world of online dating when it comes down to a few pictures and a bit of text, there will be men who would be put off if there was a child, especially if they are just up for a bit of fun. But that's no bad thing - better to hear from 5 people who actually want a relationship, than 100 who are just liking everyone in the hope one will shag them.
But it definitely isn't the case that all men are put off by kids. I met my boyfriend a a wedding when DS was 15 months - he knew I had DS and it didn't stop him. I have been asked out by other people too who knew I had a child.

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