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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so, it seems single men don't like women who have a child....

39 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 26/04/2014 09:11

Oh dear. I dipped my toe in the water into online dating (having last used it three years ago). ZERO messages. Given that I used to get loads, I can only assume that it's because I now have a little chap of my own.
I've now deleted my profile.
I have a feeling that meeting someone new is going to be really hard :(

OP posts:

JapaneseMargaret · 27/04/2014 08:54

Back in my single days, I was absolutely not interested in men with children. I had no interest in being a step-parent.

Maybe if I'd met someone I really clicked with and he had kids, I might have reconsidered, however I'll never know.

The thing with online dating though, is that (I'm guessing) people tend to put down a 'wish list' of requirements, and then go through looking for potential partners who meet these specs.

This is as opposed to meeting people more organically, where you don't have a tick list of things you want and don't want. Rather, you meet someone, get on well with them, start fancying them, and totally make your peace with certain things you might not have ideally wanted in a partner.

Not sure if this makes sense...

PollyIndia · 27/04/2014 09:00

That's exactly it Japanese Margaret!

VelmaD · 27/04/2014 09:07

I dated for three or four years as a single parent to two boys. Never hid it either. I went on a fair few dates! I dated one guy with a son, it did not go well. So the next I dated with no children, that went worse. Boyfriend I didnt even look at his child status I dont think when I messaged, but was fine with him having one (actually worked massively in my favour as I dont want anymore and neither does he)

I found a couple put off by my kids, but not many, especially of the type I went for. Weirdly most men were seemingly put off by the divorce part - they were happy with me having kids, but would have preferred me to have not been married before!

Original poster

fourlegstwolegs · 27/04/2014 20:06

I feel slightly better now - thanks! I'll try a different site I think....and will keep getting out and about in the real world as much as possible too!

OP posts:

DoctorTwo · 27/04/2014 20:17

My first two long term girlfriends had children. The first had a toddler, we were together for just over a year. The second had a daughter of 14, we were together about 18 months. At the time I was 18 then 20, the women were aged 27 and 35.

MsDFye · 27/04/2014 22:55

Sorry to hijack OP, but I've found that some men think single mums are 'desperate' enough to want a fb situation rather than a real relationship. Maybe I've just been unlucky? (I've had this happen twice now, didn't meet either of them online though)

UnexpectedlySingle · 27/04/2014 23:36

I don't know if that's true or not MsDFye but I'm certainly finding that all they seem to be after is sex. No-one seems to want any more than that any more, or if they do I haven't yet found them!

VelmaD · 28/04/2014 07:59

I didnt find them looking for a fb but I did find the number who thought I was desperate for a man, any man, unreal. Just because I was separated with two kids did not make me happy to settle for a man with no personal hygiene, career or self respect and i wasn't going to be grateful for his messages either!

daniel28 · 28/04/2014 09:32

Man's opinion here. I wouldn't have a problem with this - I think dating a girl/woman with a child could actually be quite exciting. I love kids so being able to be a part of a child's development could be quite rewarding I reckon.

Plus I love my own space and time - so if a girl has a child then I'd get plenty of that as the child would always be first priority.

saying that though - I felt different when I was a bit younger - but I can imagine the only kind of guys who object are the ones who are only interested in casual sex.

stubbornstains · 28/04/2014 09:40

I met DP on OK Cupid. I'm a single mum of 1 with absolutely no time off whatsoever, and DP hasn't got children. (Mind you, he loves children, loves DS, and hasn't got any kids of his own mainly down to having had a long term relationship with a previous partner who was infertile).

Guardian Soulmates can be a bit hit or miss I find- sometimes there just aren't any blokes in your area, especially if you live rurally.

anythingyouwant · 28/04/2014 12:12

I've used OKC and Guardian Soulmates in the past, I mentioned my DS on the profile but only in the tick box section, didn't mention it in the written bit. I think it narrowed the number of men who'd contact me, but I still got a fair number of responses and dates. I had some short/medium term relationships, but also fooled around with some fb stuff - don't think you have to be desperate to do that, just to be happy not to need a full on relationship.

I'm in a new relationship now and I met my DP through a hobby. He was a single man with no dc of his own but had no issues with my DS. I think being in a relationship with someone with dc does change the dynamics though and I don't think I would have been that keen to be with a man who had sole care of a child if I was single and childless myself. It's meant not being as spontaneous, there's a different financial dynamic as he earns much more than me (so it's affected type of activities we could do, not because of he looks down on my income), I have a lot less freedom to do things like holidays or move to another location. Lots of young single people have lifestyles that are incompatible with a family lifestyle, so I don't think it's necessarily about the men just wanting casual sex to be fair.

Dawndonnaagain · 29/04/2014 18:48

I had an eight year old and it had been just us for six years. Met dh and had three more. That was 21 years ago. We're still here and the eight year old, now 29 calls him Dad.

Caucasus · 11/05/2014 15:43

My stepbrother has always been a total cad. He's tall, handsome and well built, and girls threw themselves at him - he'd have a different girlfriend every time I saw him, and left a trail of broken hearts behind him.

Then at 25 he met a girl, with a son, and fell in love with her. They were married soon after and now have a child together and he is a father to both children.

He loved the fact that she was a single mum - he found her caring nature attractive, and enjoyed the quality family time they spent together, as compared to the wild (but shallow) nights out he had with previous girls. Her having a child - and the person that motherhood had made her - was a big reason he fell in love with her.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 11/05/2014 22:25

I thought that OP but I think it's true that when the right one comes along they won't care that you have a child. I split from DS's dad in 2007 and tried online dating with various degrees of success. Mostly just chatting online, some progressed to one or two dates. My most successful was an 8 month relationship with a chap who really liked my son. It fizzled out though for other reasons. It all carried on in the same fashion and I met DP through my running club and he is fab with DS.

I think it is true to say that many men will be put off and why shouldn't they? You having a child is only like having another thing that they don't like, blonde hair/big nose etc. There are probably more men that don't want single mothers but you only need one man anyway and there are still plenty of men who are happy to be with a single mum.

Good luck (Hope that doesn't sound patronising)

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