I feel a bit trapped

[Twotofive]

I just want to start by saying that generally I feel I have a good marriage. I'm a SAHM, and my DH works hard, with long hours but I feel we have a good balance and we both pull our weight equally. Apart from one problem- my DH doesn't like to he left alone with our DCs and it's starting to make me feel a bit trapped.

But I can't work out if I'm expecting too much?

We have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old DTs, so I understand that it is daunting to look after them, especially as he works long hours he doesn't get much practise. He's not built his confidence yet. However, at the weekends if I just want to nip out to the supermarket, he really doesn't like it if it means he's left alone with the DCs. He's happy for me to go anywhere during naps or when they've gone to bed though. I've broken my glasses & I'd love to go to the opticians tomorrow to look at new ones (it's a particular opticians that is a 40 min drive away, so not close by), but I know he won't want me to and it's making me feel frustrated! I know it's not even worth asking if I can go!

Is it wrong for it to be like this or am I expecting too much? I've talked to family about it and they seem to think I'm expecting too much.

I've just been thinking a bit more and I feel like such a hypocrite as I wouldn't like it if he did his own thing at the weekend either! After 5 long days with them I'm desperate for help! Am I equally as bad?!

Erm. You need new glasses. You need a break. You look after the dcs all the time. He doesn't.

He would cope just fine if you weren't there.

He prefers you to think that he couldn't cope. It's easier for him that way.

Go and get some new glasses. Take 5 hours. Just do it. And do not leave meals all ready. Give him a sense of what's it is like to be coping with all the dcs.

It's called parenting, it's not just your job. He needs to be a dad. Tell him to get on with it.

He won't get better or more competent at it unless he practises. How did you manage when you were new to parenting? If he doesn't start spending time alone with his DCs he will miss out on a lot. It's not all scary and disgusting, as you know, and if he doesn't give it a chance he will never know what he is missing.

The problem is I didn't manage well either and I'm now on ADs. It makes me feel i cant leave him on his own, as I didn't cope and I'm their mum!

I think he has to learn to manage them. What would happen some day you were taken ill and he had no experience. Sorry, that sounds a bit pessimistic!! Do any family members live nearby who could 'call over' for an hour or two, so at least he doesn't feel isolated on the first occasion or two. He may well be reluctant to tackle them on his own, but if you pick a good time when dcs are well rested/fed, hopefully it would be a positive experience and one he wouldn't mind repeating... Good luck OP, soon you'll get a full day out, spa treatments and all...fingers crossed!!! X

Your family think you're expecting too much? In what way, I wonder.

I don't see why you have to ask if you can go to the optician. If your eyesight needs correcting, that's important. Why not tell him you're going instead. It will be good practice for him to care for the DC. Better start somewhere..

You do cope though, every day! If he really isn't well practised, can you leave him a list of essential 'do's' and what snacks/drinks etc to give and go for 3 hours or so? He does need to start doing this stuff i think. (totally unqualified advice from a childless woman...)

Sorry to hear that OP

But he is their father. I don't know your situation, but isn't it possible being the children's sole carer is causing you to need the ADs? If I had to care full time with no help for two babies and a three year old I would be in a very bad way. You need a break, the children need you to get well and, sorry, but he needs to step up.

As his wife and the mother of his children, he should listen to you when you tell him this. If he won't listen, that is very worrying. Is there anyone in real life who can help you, perhaps who he might listen to?

As a ft working mum I do actually feel for dads who come in from a long day and have screaming kids flung at them cos mums running off to escape. however this is only because I need 15 minutes when I get in after a crappy commute, otherwise it ruins the precious time I have with the kids whilst they tell me about their day. In this case though yanbu, they are his kids too, and later on he will regret missing out on bonding time. Would a compromise work of you all go together, but whilst you're sorting out a necessity, he takes them off for a bit, bookstore, coffee shop, nearby park etc. I would hope if I was in your situation and on ads my oh would do all he could to help.

Is it because he genuinely doesn't want to be alone with the DC? Or he doesn't want you to have any life outside of the family home (I use 'life' loosely as you are talking about your need to do basic stuff like shopping and optician).

It just sounds a bit controlling.

It is ok and perfectly normal for you to have some time to take care of youself, and even have time out. Your H needs to learn how to parent his children.

Small children can be very hard work and very daunting at times especially when someone is not used to them. Perhaps you could help him to join in with family times such as feeding, bathing kids and bedtime routine. Perhaps you do it virtually all now so he is not gaining necessary skills. Could he learn to play with them individually so he can get a feel for how to cope with each child's needs.? Perhaps you could start with nipping out for say ten/fifteen minutes to go to get paper for example and let him build up slowly. He is their dad and needs to learn how to look after them by himself but he may well need to learn how to do this and be eased in slowly. Frustrating I know but not everyone can cope with young children but with help hopefully he will grow in confidence to be able to look after them so he can enjoy them more deeply and you can have some essential free time without having to worry.

Since he's happy for you to go out and about when they are asleep, this does sound like it's being a dad that he has trouble with.

If I'd had 4 years without a break to do my own thing sometimes without the nap-clock running in my head, I'd have gone insane, never mind ADs. And what happens when they stop having naps??
Having said that, full-time work can mean you need a little time to yourself at the weekends as well.

Apart from anything else, what kind of a lie-in do you get at the weekend?

How about talking together about both of you having a little time to yourselves at the weekend, and ways for you to have a bit of a break during the week? Creche at the swimming pool? family help?

Thanks for all your replies.

I should have said this in my OP, but I do get the occasional time to myself, as a couple of times a month my parents or inlaws come for a couple of days to help & they are happy to let me nip out on my own! I've also had a couple of weekends away on my own and left him with he DCs & his parents have come down to help. I suspect he lets his mum do a lot if the work though. My parents think he's great as he lets me have these weekends off occasionally- they're the ones who think I'm expecting too much.

I just find it depressing that I have to 'book' time in the get a bit of space. I used to be so independent & I miss just been able to go off somewhere. The opticians appointment isn't urgent, I've just broken my glasses and I want a new pair (I have other pairs I can use for now). He does let me have an occasional lie in (but I ask & he gets all huffy) but now I think there's no point in me having a lie in as he just sits playing on his phone while they play & then when I get up I have to rush around making breakfast & getting them dressed.

Like a lot of you said, I need to build up his confidence. At the moment he refuses to feed them on his own (they are hard work though) but today I'm going to have a shower while he does breakfast.

How was he after your older child was born? Or has the arrival of twins been the key factor in not wanting them all on his own?

We started with twins so it fell that we dealt with one each with feeding, changing etc. They've always been equally as happy with either of us. But I can imagine the dynamic would be different with an older child.

I would say I think it'll be easier to tackle in the home rather than taking all the children out, even though it would be a shorter stretch. Think the shower while he's doing breakfast sounds a very sensible place to start.

My older child was/is such a clingy child so I found it hard to get time away even then. She wouldn't even let him do bathtime on his own until she was 2! He worked long hours back then too, so never got the chance to fully bond with her. He's much happier with her now she's 3, in fact she's a real daddy's girl now. He'd be happy to look after her on his own, just not with the DTs.

I've just asked him to do breakfast- he wants us to do it together!

I'd be fed up if I were in your shoes.
I think you need to go out and leave him to it. Coping with small children is a bit messy the first few times on your own, but the only way is practice!

You express yourself very well here. Can you say to him exactly what you have said here? I am concerned about this "huffiness". Do you find yourself avoiding these conversations with him because of how he'll react? If so, you need to assert yourself. You are his wife and the mother of his children, and your views and needs are of the utmost importance in his world (or should be!).

He may disagree with you, but should negotiate a compromise at least, such as he will be the parent in charge for one full day of each weekend. After all, he is not working at the weekend and you have looked after them all week. Why should he get two days off and you none?

If you are unable to talk to him, or he refuses to listen to you, what kind of marriage this is, and what kind of relationship do you want? One where you have to ask permission to go to the opticians, really? If he is reasonable, this can be fixed. Is he reasonable?

It's perfectly reasonable for him to feel daunted and inadequate. It's perfectly reasonable for him to feel like you do a better job with the kids than him.

It's not perfectly reasonable for him not to want to try to work on improving his relationship with the kids and being able to parent effectively.

So the question is, can you help with training him up, or does he not want to be helped?

If he wants to but lacks skills then you can help with that. If he doesn't want to then you've got serious problems.

There's a big difference between can't and won't.

I think he is usually a reasonable person, although he's not a very thoughtful person

Yes he does get a bit huffy if I ask. And he makes me feel guilty by saying he wants to spend time with me too. I've got to the point where I can't be bothered to ask, as I know he will say 'I'd rather you didn't' or agree to me popping out but not doing it with good grace I.e "I'd rather you didn't, but I suppose so".

He knows how much I value my freedom, I've told him a lot how hard I find it, but I think he puts his own feelings first in this particular situation.

But then sometimes I think if he were to put me in his office on my own and ask me to get in with it, I'd refuse too!

I'm not sure if he can't/won't actually.

Hm, maybe, but offices come and go. These are his children and this is his chance to build a rapport with the people who will in all likelihood choose his nursing home.

If you are giving up on communicating, that is a bad sign. If he is a selfish arse you should feel able to tell him to so and insist that he rise to the challenge of fatherhood.

I'm sure you must be exhausted and it is hard to find the time for a proper conversation when you have little people. But leaving this to fester, putting up and shutting up, lack of communication, selfishness... these are all poison to relationships.

The office part is not relevant here. Has that come up in your 'discussions' before? He works outside the home during the week, and you work inside the home during the week ( with 3 small children I can take a guess at which is more physically and emotionally).

The reality is you are taking antidepressants for a reason. If your husband was supportive he would realise you need a a break away from 3 small children every now and then. Actually, even if you were not depressed you would need a break on your own.
Fair enough if he hasn't realised this, but once you have discussed it he should take your needs on board.
You seem to get support from others but not your husband on this issue, how do you feel about that?

Huffing when you want a lie in is pretty crap. Presumably because his parents aren't there to help at that time. And not getting them breakfast, nappies changed etc is rubbish. Unfortunately it tends to suggest laziness not lack of confidence.

I think a sit down chat is needed. Perhaps a plan to gradually build his confidence, or tackle his laziness. However, it is him wanting to be able to cope which is the biggest challenge I think.

Hopefully this thread has enabled you to see that you should be able to have some time away without feeling guilty.

Well I've just asked him if I could go to the opticians and he's said no. I tried to argue with him, but he's got all stroppy saying that he should be allowed his opinion and I shouldn't ask if I don't like the answer. He eventually agreed that I could go, but I don't feel like I can go now!

Yes, I do get fed up that he shoves all the responsibility onto his parents. For example, when I've been really sick he's arranged for his parents to come and help (they live 150 miles away) rather than him take any time off. He does have an important job, but isn't life about looking after family too?

You asked initially if you were expecting too much. I hope you realise now this isn't the case. In fact, you are expecting far too little of your children's father in my opinion.

I'm sorry he seems to believe he is the great I Am and your family seem to agree with him. That makes things very hard for you. No matter how "important" he is at work, at home he is a husband and father and he has responsibilities. You are every bit as important as him. I cannot stress that enough. You are important. Your needs and wishes are valid. I can't say much more as I will probably end up saying something nasty about your dh.