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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel a bit trapped

40 replies

Twotofive · 25/04/2014 23:04

I just want to start by saying that generally I feel I have a good marriage. I'm a SAHM, and my DH works hard, with long hours but I feel we have a good balance and we both pull our weight equally. Apart from one problem- my DH doesn't like to he left alone with our DCs and it's starting to make me feel a bit trapped.

But I can't work out if I'm expecting too much?

We have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old DTs, so I understand that it is daunting to look after them, especially as he works long hours he doesn't get much practise. He's not built his confidence yet. However, at the weekends if I just want to nip out to the supermarket, he really doesn't like it if it means he's left alone with the DCs. He's happy for me to go anywhere during naps or when they've gone to bed though. I've broken my glasses & I'd love to go to the opticians tomorrow to look at new ones (it's a particular opticians that is a 40 min drive away, so not close by), but I know he won't want me to and it's making me feel frustrated! I know it's not even worth asking if I can go!

Is it wrong for it to be like this or am I expecting too much? I've talked to family about it and they seem to think I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:

wyrdyBird · 26/04/2014 10:25

He's not your dad. You don't have to ask permission to go. It's not something you have an opinion on either; you weren't asking for a point of view!

A refusal to help, or care for his own children, is what you just heard. Not an opinion.

I think you should go anyway. It's not exactly a big day out FGS.

wyrdyBird · 26/04/2014 10:32

I feel the same as hookedonchoc...

It seems this is less about fear of looking after demanding kids, and more about having his own way. :(

Galvanised · 26/04/2014 10:55

I would feel as though I had a chain around my neck, I'm not surprised you feel trapped.
This isn't going to improve if you continue doing as you have been doing.
It's a pretty fundamental issue.
Are you seeing a counsellor for your depression?
It's hard to see a way out when you are feeling depressed. But you do have a choice, it's your life.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/04/2014 11:01

Oh OP, this makes me sad.

He has said no? You shouldn't even have to ask for permission. He should just be getting on with it. Why is he entitled to two days off over the weekend and you allowed none?

Infact I hate this 'allowing' business. You should both be entitled to some free time without it affecting the other person.

You really need to sort this out, you have to talk to him. He needs to buck up his ideas and start being a Dad, and stop relying on everyone else to look after his children.

BeCool · 26/04/2014 20:09

Who trained you to be a parent OP?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 26/04/2014 20:17

This made me feel so sad for you, OP. You should not have to ask for permission like this. He actually sounds quite manipulative IMO. Next time, just tell him you're going. Can't make his children breakfast without your help? What a pathetic man child! More likely he'd just rather you did it, like you do every day. He needs to seriously buck his ideas up.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2014 20:24

Why are you asking permission to do a completely routine task that would be made 1000 times harder by dragging 3 small kids along with you ?

Simply put your cardi and go

AnyFucker · 26/04/2014 20:24

cardi on

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/04/2014 20:26

Who trained you to be a parent OP

Precisely. No-one knows how to be a parent, you just muddle along and learn on the way.

It really irritates me when Dads say they don't know what to do with their children so they don't bother. Neither do us mums. But we get on with it because we have to.

It's not an excuse for not bothering.

I wonder if he just sees you as someone to look after his kids. How does he view you? You can't go out because you need to be there to look after the children. Does he get his way about everything? And even when you do go out he fobs them off to parents.

Why exactly did he have children?

AnyFucker · 26/04/2014 20:28

it is really quite pathetic

Casmama · 26/04/2014 21:09

He's not trying. It suits him very well to have you think that he doesn't have the confidence cos it means you do everything for him and them.

To not automatically give you one lie in at the weekend is totally selfish of him. You must start being more assertive with him and if he says don't ask if you don't like the answer- don't ask, tell him you're going out!

Original poster

Twotofive · 26/04/2014 21:34

Thanks for your replies. I really didn't know what to think but reading this thread has made me realise this situation isn't normal.

Well I did go in the end, I still felt guilty and was quite anxious the whole time as I felt I couldn't be too long. While I was out he did send a text saying I could stay out longer but I had to be back for 5:30 (dinner time). So that's an improvement as he even did lunch on his own! When I got back I told him how happy it made me. I think it's laziness mixed with low confidence that has caused this. I don't think he's controlling or manipulative though- before we had DCs I could do whatever I liked, whenever.

It's just so annoying, he often tells me how lucky I am that I get to spend so much time with the children!

But thanks again for your replies. I know now I can stand my ground and I'm not being unfair on him.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/04/2014 21:45

You had to be back for 5.30? How fucking generous of him!

OP you need to tell him more than how being out by yourself makes you happy, you have to talk to him about how trapped he makes you feel not letting you go out and doing fuck all for his children. His children!

Why is he not lucky to be spending time with his kids??

wyrdyBird · 26/04/2014 22:00

Glad you went, and hope you found some nice specs. :-)

So he said you 'could' stay out longer but 'had to' be back by 5.30??

He is still speaking to you as if he's your father, and you're a slightly wayward child.

It's not a good sign that you felt anxious about how long you were out. The behaviours he's showing are controlling - because you're very concerned about putting him out.

Definitely keep standing your ground, as you did today (good for you). If he thinks it's lucky to be spending time with the children he should really spend more time with them himself.

Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 22:12

Sorry but he IS controlling And OP I wont fully explain why so as not to hijack but I also have parents who think my DH is in the right all the time.....so I know what that's like. I think your parents are trying to control you to albeit more subtly.

And cards on the table wtf does he think he would do if GOD FORBID something happened to you? Would your parents be so keen to bail him out of his responsiblilities if it was 24/7 I think not.

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