The maternal insult

[clareyd]

The other day my mum came to visit me and said, "We passed a new restaurant on the way here. It looked very pretentious. I thought you would like it." Does anyone else's mum say stuff like that or is it just mine?

Not stuff like that, exactly, but equivalent things. I don't respond... and then she notices she's been blisteringly rude and apologises. I guess it's easy to not think before opening mouth with one's children. I'm terrified that I'll do the same to my kids one day.

I get 'I preferred you with longer /shorter hair' and 'you used to wear such nice clothes' etc.

Wow that is truly horrible, I would call her on it when she does it "Did you mean to be so rude?" or "Why would you say something that sounds so unkind?" I wouldn't ignore it, even if she's always done it - be the worm that turned.

My mother tells me regularly that I/DB never did whatever DD has done to make parenting a bit challenging that day (the usual developmental frustrations). So either I am a bad mother or my child is horrible

Thanks, mum, what a choice

"At least you had manners at her (DD) age"

"At least she doesn't have as many bruises"

"Your Dad grew a beard once; it looked like a badger's arse".

"This one doesn't. Neither did his as you very well know, but then he put up with a great deal for love."

"Sometimes you really disappoint me".

"Only sometimes? Tsk."

"Thank you for the flowers you sent me. They are very...unusual."

May as well have burned £50.

I think my mother's best one was a few years ago when my best friend from school was in labour for the first time, and we were on the phone to her mother (who had possibly been going to come and meet us for the day, at a garden event). There's me, my boyfriend of the time, and my mother, having a very English tea (scones, the works), and she loudly says down the phone, so the whole bloody room (full of local people who knew us,) could hear: "Of course, my two [i.e. my sister and me] are barren."

But there were plenty of others. After I said that my godmother had thanked me for the wedding present I'd given them, and said she collected that glass (I'd given a vase), my mother just said, "Well, that's just what people say. She probably doesn't really." That might be true, but why say it?

That side of her is one of the things I don't miss, now she's dead.

"I'm so pleased you've finished with exP, you've aged so much since you've been with him"

"I'm sure stardusty doesn't want any chips, she hardly looks as though she is starving"

"Your sister has always been the pretty one"

She was the first to splutter with indignation however, when my grandma commented on my spinsterhood (aged 26 ) that "ah well, not everyone is cut out for a husband and children."

Other Grandma - "i always thought you'd turn out to be a lesbian"

She also bought me a high tog duvet as a housewarming present to keep me warm as i did not have a man to sleep with.

"..you could be quite pretty if you tried"
"..you're attractive, but so-and-so's pretty.."
"..I don't like you in that.."
"..you'll never be any good at that"
"..you're like your father's family.."
(on loss of my job).."I told you so!"

Wow passive aggressive much?

Well from mine, let's see:

'how could you cast your X aside' (in an abusive relationship)

'are you sure you have appendicitis? I thought the doctors took it out just to humour you' (I was 11 at time of op and this was deadly serious!)

'your aunt says pregnant women get sick because they eat crap. Particularly ice cream.' (I have had terrible hyperemesis in this pg and over Xmas at home had a KFC as that was all that would stay down that day. Just the one. But that was enough to spark off the latest judgements. I didn't even respond. Oh and my aunt is a retired endoscopy nurse )

I've had psychotherapy to help unpick the very complicated relationship we have. She's also coming tomorrow for three nights (in a hotel thank god) although I asked her to wait till after the birth. I'm 35 weeks pg, exhausted and have no idea what to do!

Is your hair supposed to look like that?
I don't like you in those trousers
You aren't looking too bad these days ( to my DH)
You're going grey ( to DH again)
Oh dear you've got your fathers eyebrows
I'm sure there's more

Oh and my dh describes this as mothers who are expert in psychological warfare. Which is what it is really. Snide digs and put downs designed to make us feel less than we are.

Imo nonexpert opinion DMs say what they say because of their childhoods, not because of their DCs' looks/behavior/ achievements.

It helps a lot to remember that.

Oh, sorry this is therapy in itself:

'so you've been diagnosed with bipolar? Are they sure it's not just you being difficult? Your behaviour as a child and adult was always bizarre and awkward.'

There's so much more but I won't go there!

dozie that's so true. The rate of projection of some mothers onto their daughters is at a speed of knots so fast it's frightening.

Mine is a champ at this kind of thing. I'm so used to it I barely notice it. The only one I can call to mind right now is a remark about how I'd been quite pretty at some stages in my life, and the only reason I remember that us that my sister (who was there too) rang me to commiserate.
Why do they do this to us?

Last year my mum told me that she came from a large family (6 of them and she is a twin) so she didn't really need a relationship with me.

Her usual one is, 'you look well...[pause].... last time I saw you, you looked terribly tired/poor skin/grey].

Mum: "no, don't wear your glasses" (me heading for a night out)
Me: "but I can't see properly without them"
Mum: "that doesn't matter. You want to look nice, don't you?"

All the usual sister comparisons: "why can't you be prettier/sportier/thinner/get a boyfriend like your sister?" (My sister was thinner and sportier. She was/is also a bullying wannabe sociopath with a criminal record and a string of hurt/used people in her wake & was shaping up nicely at it from her early teens, so i was always curious as to why her obvious failings as a human were so overlooked.)

Also, the comparisons with other people's children: "why can't you be more like the Jones' children? They are so accomplished and loving..."

I'm glad my mother is dead too.

I could handle the put-downs better than the mind games, though. Mother's Day was a nightmare. She'd say (on seeing someone being bought a huge, expensive bunch of flowers: "don't you dare waste your money on buying those for me!" So I wouldn't. Cue sulking and tantrums all day until I found a way to redeem myself.

And these comments are from mothers?! Wow!

Imo nonexpert opinion DMs say what they say because of their childhoods, not because of their DCs' looks/behavior/ achievements.

That's a really good way to look at it. My mum often tells me of the awful things her mum said to her and I think to myself 'don't you realise you say similar to me?'

Do grandmas count?

My DM isn't too bad because she had the sort of mum who seems to insult for sport. Though I do get the usual 'you look tired, you've gained weight' etc

Classics from my gran include...

After I'd dyed my hair from blonde to brown in a bid to save money
'What colour is that in your hair?'
'Its my natural colour grandma'
'Oh no, no it isn't dear'

My daughter whinging about being out in a booster chair and my uncles daughter whinging about her food this weekend was met with 'these bloody children, always whinging about something. Mine never did this'

Whenever she met one of my friends it was always why can't you be more like x I think she did that to make me feel bad tho as she once even got my friends hoody, squinted at the tiny design and said raskova, you should wear nicer clothes like x does it was only a bloody group of skulls and stuff like that for some rock band my friend was into... It certainly wasn't a nice design anyway

My mum often comments on my good relationship with my boys, while her sister (her twin) told me that I shouldn't bother with them because they'll leave me.