The maternal insult

[clareyd]

The other day my mum came to visit me and said, "We passed a new restaurant on the way here. It looked very pretentious. I thought you would like it." Does anyone else's mum say stuff like that or is it just mine?

Dozie has it on the money. My mum had an absolutely awful childhood.

She used to incessantly tell me I wasn't pretty, was too fat,wouldn't be good at stuff etc. To her mind she was being genuinely helpful so I wouldn't be hurt by people in the big wide world pointing this out. But none of it was true - what was true is that she believes all these statements about herself.

My mum could easily have been described as toxic on here and I'd have been advised to go no contact. Instead I had 3 years of psychotherapy. It was bloody hard but my mum doesn't say these things any more, we love each other to bits and I don't think she believes them about herself quite as much either

I miss my mum the worst I got was "i hope your eating okay, you look like you've lost a lot of weight" but granted I did suffer an eating disorder in my teens and it was her way of checking on me.

My mother, laughing as she handed me a tatty, grubby old pair of worn out gloves for my birthday present: 'Well, I saw these in the charity shop and I thought "Yes, they'll do for oldgrandmama's birthday"'

my mum is the absolute expert on what we refer to as a shit sandwich - a nasty barb hidden between two slices of compliment:

"what a lovely dress! You could have done with a size bigger, but the colour really suits you!

"Loving the new hairstyle Dwells - draws attention away from your chin and focuses attention on your gorgeous eyes."

"You got your qualification? Well done. What you lacked in intelligence you made up for in hard work. We are proud of you!"

Yes to dozy

After NC for a year DM " your hair isn't right at the back" - first thing she said!

"All that swimming is making you ....beefy"
"Don't you breath....funny ?

Mil " wow! Your putting weight on, your getting a right gut!"
Ah I could be here all day!

I think the lowest point was trying to make out I hadn't been sexually abused and that it was somehow either my fault or trying to find justification for it.

Yes, she had a shit childhood - my grandmother used to beat them, telling them it was because she loved them - but as I got older I realised she just doesn't like women, full stop, and panders to men. With my ex boyfriends and x husband it was nauseating to the point of almost flirtatious behaviour.

She has three sisters. She dislikes women so much it was to the point of taking the sides of each of the husbands when they all went through their divorces. One sister left because she had been hit by her husband yet my mother still thought she should have stayed and was my aunt's fault somehow. They didn't talk for a while.

Against that kind of thing you can't win. It's a complete lack of self-awareness or willingness to look at patterns of behaviour and not wanting to break that cycle. I have decided that cycle stops with the birth of my dd. And as for the comments, I believe the expression is 'smile and nod' and then do your own thing anyway. She's never going to change and I am done trying to create a relationship which was never there in the first place. There is no power to her words any more and DH and I laugh about it most of the time.

Living in a different country also helps

My nan, to me and my mum, both wearing jeans "I don't think anyone looks good in jeans, do you?" She genuinely never realised that we could be insulted by this

She also once famously said on hearing that DH's ex and mother to my DSS was expecting a second child with her new husband "That's nice, maybe she'll give you DSS" as if having a second child would make the first surplus to requirements! My mum asked her if she'd considered giving my auntie away when she was born, but apparently that was different because she loved my auntie! The assumption presumably being that DH's ex didn't love their son, despite this clearly not being the case and there being absolutely no evidence to suggest this.

Oh and my last comment I promise:

'It must be so difficult seeing how successful I am and how you are struggling with your career. I've given you too much to aspire to.'

Oh and dwells I like your sandwich analogy

My Dad told me when I was 15 not to wear my new short dress as I didn't have the legs for it. I was mortified and covered my legs up for years. Then I noticed that all my friends and boyfriends commented on my legs and how great they were on the few occasions a slight glimpse of them emerged.

I thought I'd raise it with my Dad when I was about 30. His response "you've cracking legs love, not a chance I was letting you out in that dress, you'd have been fighting randy boys off with a stick"! I laugh about it now but spent my formative years really conscious of my best asset and keeping it hidden from view

My mum doesn't criticise but finds my looks/lifestyle slightly hilarious. She will say "Oh that's very Squizita !" usually correctly.

Mind you as a teenager and sometimes now I think I have inflicted the 'yaaawn' clearly bored look on things she likes, M&S, The White Company, Gap... Yaaaaaaawn

Luckily we have a banter-y relationship, not strained or abusive, so it's funny not upsetting.

The rest of our family call us Kath and Kim, after the sitcom. So perhaps we aren't so different...

my mum gasped in horror at a photograph of us in a group and then sighed with relief and said 'oh that's YOUR thigh, for a moment I thought it was mine'

have got short limbs, my muscles are quite boxy

it's not even FAT

grrrrrrrr

Last week my ddad took my ds to a sports event, my DM told me I could use the time to do my housework, it was more the look which accompanied the comment which rankled. The next day she said she'd like to apologise for it and said "you don't have to do housework if you don't want to". So her apology was an insult too!!

I do do housework btw, I never stop, I'm just really crap at it!

I've lived independently for 20+ years. On telling DM last week how impressed I'd been at the standard of workmanship on my recent house extension her comment was 'I expect they feel a bit sorry for you because you don't have a man in the house....'