*To have a discrete word with MIL or not? Please advise*

[ScarlettSahara]

Been secret lurker on here for a while and picked up useful nuggets of advice. First time posting so please try & refrain from eating me alive bare with me.
Main current problem is that MIL has 3 GC's,divorced twice and lives 230 miles away and does not drive. Phone conversations /most conversations revolve around GC1 (SIL's child) whom she has had considerable input with. Glowing reports of his academic ability, sporting achievements etc.Have heard with phone on speaker DH saying "DD has some good news of her own" and it is barely acknowledged
My DD quite bright but lacks self-belief and was bullied at school about 18 months ago. Let it go on for 9 months trying to encourage her to solve it herself. In the end another parent rang me up to say she was not eating at school etc. She had lost weight but I had not realised . Seem to have caught that in time but MIL quite harsh in her judgements. Tried talking to her on phone about the bullying thing (my mum died when I was a girl and dad died 2 years ago)
MIL said perhaps DD was exaggerating/making it all up but I did not believe so as sometimes obviously upset but would not talk.Went to school in the end and they sorted it

Latest situation is we travelled to MIL at Easter and treated her and SIL to meal out. Were there for 5 hours and she barely addressed 2 sentences to DD. DD was the only GC there. DD sat by her on sofa but no hugs or chat to DD apart from 2 questions. DD's body language was ready and eager not non-communicative. 90% of conversation was about GC 1 and how well he is doing with teachers, sports, drama etc etc.( well felt like everything TBH)
I could see my daughter retreating into herself. Tried talking to DD next day and she said she was upset but did not want to talk about it. Have since then spent time with FIL and his family (also many miles away) and they were very kind and gave her attention and she interacted well with them and her cousins on his side.

Spoke to DH and he said he was upset too but not sure how to handle it. This sort of thing normally goes over his head and de makes lots of allowances so has to be bad for him to notice. He will not stand any criticism of his mum and hates confrontation. Ex- wife of BIL used to comment that MIL gave more attention/gifts to GC1. I did not mind gifts cos DD gets enough and does get small gifts From MIL and I always assumed she was compensating for GC1 having only 1 parent.
DH is thinking of phoning his mum-hence this post but am not sure if this will create a rift and if should tackle it another way eg invite her here for holiday and see what happens then?Am I over-reacting. Would anyone else be upset by this/ worry about the effect on their DD/DS. Any advice from MIL's?
Sorry this post so long but am really stuck and feel bad for my DD. Don't want to bash my MIL cos she has done some kind things in past but I just don't understand this praising 1 GC over the top in front of another and then barely speaking to them .Thanks

Your DHs mother is favouring one grandchild over the other and such favouritism should not be at all tolerated by either of you as her parents.
How dare this woman do this to your child. It is very damaging for all to see and you must not tolerate this any longer. It will also affect to its detriment her own relationship with the favoured grandchild and that may be damaged beyond repair even now.

I am so sorry you no longer have your own parents to talk to but talking to the MIL about your child is the last thing you should be doing. The lack of interest she shows in your DD is all too apparent already. You would be better off talking to FIL and his family as they are actually nice to your child.

Your DH as well is also a problem and he needs to get his head out of the sand. He hating confrontation as well also gives his mother the opportunity to continue such behaviours. He seems very much still in FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother and has received a lifetime of conditioning at her hands. He probably would like you all to get along so he does not have to think about this but that happy scenario of his will never happen.

Honestly I would seriously consider not seeing this woman at all (FGS do not invite her over to your house, your child needs to be secure within her home because after all that is her sanctuary). She will not change her ways. All you can do is protect your child from such malign influences; honestly some grandparents really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren.

Here is what I would do. Have your DH read this, should not be a problem, but then send it to MIL?

She should be so ashamed of herself for such favoritism. It is bad enough having to hear her go on on the phone, but to ignore a little girl sitting next to you is so very unkind and unthinking.

Alternatively, Could you just be frank and say we do not want to have our whole conversation be about Favorite Grandchild?

Nothing good will come out of confronting her. Just stop trying to have a relationship with her. Focus on FIL.

We've had similar for years not sure what the solution is tbh. We generally keep contact to a minimum if we can

Your MIL sounds a horror. Agree with other posters - have minimum contact, concentrate instead on kind FIL. Your precious daughter must be protected from this ignorant, unfeeling and unfair woman. And your DH should wake up and realise he has to be for you and his daughter all the way, and realise how unkind his mother is.

I go by the philosophy that mil will reach old age and look around to see who is there for her. It may come as a disappointment to her when her favoured GC are too busy to see her and the one's she didn't build a relationship with are nowhere to be seen. You reap what you sow

Wild stab in the dark here - your
DH doesn't want confront his mum, and most of this goes over his head, because he has been conditioned to think his sister is massively more interesting than he is? Of course MIL goes on about GC1 more, this has been his normal for all of his life. The only difference is that now your DD and you are on the scene to make it more obvious and point out it's not fucking normal.

I see 2 ways to deal with this - full-on tiger mother or go low/no contact. Discrete word is not going to be successful.

If your DH isn't ready for the latter then you need to start pulling her up in the bluntest fashion 'Are we talking about princess GC1 again? Didn't we do that last night - you'd think you only have one GC?' 'Has DD's present got lost in the post? we only got a token gift when GC1 had a palace?' etc.

I don't think it will change MIL but her reactions are likely to help DH see her for who she is.

Thanks for your responses. I have felt near to tears with this to be honest. Did feel like saying "You have more than 1 GC you know " but felt it not my place and I would be the bad DIL.
Don't think she is aware of what she is doing. She is not all bad -she did knit some teddy clothes for DD but as I say I just don't get what she did.
Did wonder about getting DH to phone SIL for her take on things- maybe she talks about my DD when we not there?
AtillaYou have a point about DH but he was 1 of 5 kids in her household and her second DH was not a nice man and DH retreated into a shell and he said to me he was always put in his place as a child and felt his views did not count

I am currently dealing with something similar-with the same non-confrontational husband who refuses to see any fault on his parents' side! I've no advice (difficult enough dealing with it here) but will watch to see how this one develops. I sympathise with you OP-it's horrible!

We have similar, SIL lives next door to MIL so they see them and their DC daily and are heavily involved in their lives. I have sent newspaper clippings of DS2's achievements which have never even been acknowledged.

Have been dealing with exactly this for the past 12 years. At one point I wrote to MIL myself and let her know how I felt and how hurt we feel about her ignoring our DCs, it just resulted in many phone calls from MIL to DH and SIL to complain about me and how awful I am. Nothing changed behaviour-wise. DH has said things a couple of times but it just falls on deaf ears.

Now I ignore ignore ignore. She is not part of our life as far as I'm concerned. If she wants to talk to DCs (we are overseas) then she needs to arrange it through DH but DH isn't that bothered either so I just let the relationship naturally fizzle by itself.

Most important thing to remember is that it is her loss that she doesn't get to know your fabulous DCs, and it is her that is missing out, not your DD.
This is what I tell myself.

Same old story all round

DHs parents favour one grandchild ( now grown up , on benefits single mother ) and secondly our DS ( the only boy )

The other 3 girls ( 1 ours , 2 DSIL ) are very much not exactly ignored , just not treated as well .

Oh your poor DD. She sounds lovely. I think your DH needs to step up here. How can they behave like this in good conscience? What horrible people.

(Don't think I'm a twat but it's discreet).

Kundry I don't think MIL always favoured SIL. In fact DH was firstborn and MIL told me she cried for days when he left home. SIL was difficult teenager and got pregnant when teen and MIL helped her with GC1 and eventually MIL and SIL developed bond. I wondered if she almost considers GC1 to be a son and is pleased he doing so well in spite of disadvantaged start but cannot understand apparent lack of interest in my DD (GC2)

Why on earth would you invite her to stay?

I agree with the others that your husband is used to the way she treats him and trying to please her, it is what he has been conditioned to do and probably doesn't even realise he is doing it. So the top if you need to talk about this and work out what you are both going to do about it.

CPtart that is rude to not even acknowledge you.
passafist-only just got your name lol! That is what I was afraid of IheartKingThistle- DD can be so lovely. I was not well and she ran me a bath and folded towels like some luxury hotel with soaps and undies on top for me-just have to remember that when she throws occasional(not often) strop!.
DoIlooklikeatourist-am sorry to hear that

starfishThought if she came here she would have more time to interact with DD and get to know her. Also clutching at straws to avoid confrontation. Trying to see the best in MIL and thinking she feels remote from my DD? At a loss to understand really and looking for best explanation.

grubblyplank Sorry you are going through similar. What has happened and what did you do?

If DH was once her pfb then there is hope that the incessant harping about GC1 is due to proximity and the later development of her relationship with SIL. She is possibly unaware of it instead of toxic.

So the tiger mum approach 'Let's make today all about DD' might be worth a go. She no doubt finds DD a bit reserved and doesn't have as strong a bond but hasn't realised that's because DD doesn't know her as well as GC1 and as the adult she has to make the bloody effort first.

If she doesn't like being confronted then well, she's shown her true colours and never invite her to stay again!

Good points there KundryWill be backin a bit. Hubby not well and just got in so going to reheat grubgive him nice meal! Oh blow cant get crossing out thingy to work. talk to you later and thanks for advice. Plenty for me to mull over. Still considering the invite to stay option

If it helps,my mother is very similar, every time I say DS has done this, she stops me mid conversation and starts waxing lyrical about how my sister's children did it earlier, better or faster.

Anyhow, I assumed it was natural for her to seem to favourite them over DS, at the end of the day she sees them every fortnight while she only see DS every 12 to 18 months. So I was very surprised when my sister complained that my mother's favourite was DS, obviously she was also interrupting her all the time to tell her how DS was doing everything better...

So... My point is, she may be a very cold, distant and tactless person who has no favourites at all, just the ability to put her foot on her mouth every time you meet her. So, I wouldn't have a word with her, as she might only be offended and start complaining about you being too sensitive or making things up. Just be grateful you don't have to put up with her in a more regular basis.

If you invited this woman to stay that could be something you live to regret. Why would you think this woman would behave any better towards your DD in your own home?. She can barely bring herself to talk to your DD as it is.

MemyselfandIYes she can be tactless.On a previous stay when she came with G1 when he was 7 and my DD was toddler it rained and rained and the kids had cabin fever so took them out but big detour due to flooded roads. Parked the car at destination and before we got out she said"Was it worth it?" I felt and -just said I thought it was worth it!

Maybe you are right Attila- just thought if they were together for period, especially if DH at work then there would be no distractions and more opportunity to focus on/ interact with DD. Dunno really. Feel reluctant to give up altogether especially as my DD never knew my mum and did get to know my DF who died suddenly 2 years ago.

MemyselfandII forgot to add that it is interesting that your mum did same thing to you but then your sis reported same.Makes me feel bit better that she is just being tactless but still does not explain lack of interaction when my DD right there. Probably feel less of a bond due to distance which is why I am considering inviting her for short stay in Summer hols. ThinkPassafist is right in that if we say anything might be accused of being sensitive and make it worse.