Relationship with mother in law

[Bluedolphin1971]

hello, I guess I'm just on here to vent, maybe get some advice, tell me I'm being silly and get over myself?

I love my mother in law, infact, I adore her always have. She has 2 daughters of her own, which I equally adore, but I want her to make me feel and treat me like her daughter and she doesn't.

I don't have a special/close relationship with my own mum. My mum and dad were/are alcoholics, and from a very young age (8), I was a carer for them both and my younger sister. I didn't have a good childhood, infact I absolutely hated it. it was so bad, that my sister and I should probably have been taken into care, but we slipped under the radar.

I have told my mother in law about my childhood, and I've told her how I feel about her. She always tells me she looks at me as a daughter, but I have a mum and no one can take her place!! That she can't stand on anyone's toes.

One of my sister in laws is getting married tomorrow so the sisters are going to be together along with mother in law. There is a dinner being planned just for the "girls" and my mother in law told me about the dinner but I now find out I'm not invited, it's just for her and her own daughters, and also my sister in laws friend (because she is a bridesmaid). To say I'm gutted is an understatement I have spent all last night feeling really upset, crying and well generally just alone.......again.

To me it's like another kick in the teeth, another rejection, I've always thought I wasn't good enough for my mum and dad to give up their drink for me, so now I'm not good enough for my mother in law.

I don't really know what to do/think/say to try to make myself feel better. I know I can't force her to include me, but I just feel so sad.

I understand you feel sad but it's not her job to be your mother.

Enjoy the relationship you have with her and try not to force anthtting/anything more.

Hugs for you.

I understand that feeling of being rejected, being excluded. It hurts so much that your own parents rejected you, it's hard not to draw the conclusion that its because you weren't good enough. I understand your hurt and sadness - allow yourself to feel it and to let it out.

What Penelope said ^
I'm a MIL and a grandmama and I love my daughter in law (and son in law) lots. I do understand what your MIL said about not standing on anyone's toes, even though your own mother sounds awful.

Enjoy the great relationship you DO have with your MIL, and don't anguish about stuff like the pre wedding dinner.

Bluedolphin your MIL sounds lovely and very grounded. She does love you, but you are not her daughter. The only relationship is not mother-daughter, there are lots of forms of love and caring and that's what she has with you.

She has done nothing wrong in this situation, she is having a last meal out with her two girls plus one of the girl's best friends. With the best will in the world, she really didn't have to invite you along, she just wants her two girls there and the sister's choice of friends. That is entirely reasonable.

I think you should seek counselling to talk this through, as you are experiencing every minor incident with her as a rejection of you by your parents. She is not your parent and this isn't fair on her, especially if she loves you and wants the best for you. I would visit the GP and see what is available, or perhaps see if there is a counselling group for the adult children of alcoholics, it may help to find other people who have experienced the same. Or even pay if you can for private counselling, this is really worth sorting out.

What does your husband say about all this?

I worry that your keenness to be included is going to drive people away and that would be such a shame, given they sound like a nice loving family.

I'm sorry you feel so bad.

You seem to be attaching a lot of your self esteem & stuff to your MIL which is unwise although understandable given your childhood. The dinner was not meant to make you feel bad & its not personal, but you're taking it very very personally which makes me think you're a bit too invested in your MIL. Its not unreasonable of your MIL to want a meal with her daughters & bridesmaid.

Perhaps your MIl doesn't realise the depth of feeling you have, even though you have told her. Or perhaps she understands but for reasons of her own doesn't want to fulfil the mother role to the extent you want her to.

Perhaps instead of focussing on the need to make your MIL your actual mother, it might be an idea to focus on your childhood with a counsellor & try to deal with that first. No offence but it seems to me like you have a gaping wound with the issues around your parents & you're trying to use your MIL as a plaster.

I am also sorry that you are still carrying around with you a lot of baggage due to your dysfunctional childhood at the hands of alcoholic parents.

BACP re counselling may be helpful to you and do not charge a small fortune. Counsellors though are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. It may also be worth talking to Al-anon as they can be very helpful to family members of problem drinkers as would be reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as there is a chapter in there on alcoholic parents.

Using the MIL as a sticking plaster to cover a gaping hole in your life will do you ultimately no favours.

You ARE good enough but you have never been given any validation from the two people who should have done ie your parents because they are alcoholics. They raised two girls in absolute misery and the resultant chaos from that upbringing is not surprising; it is your parents who are not good enough.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really do appreciate it.

The thing about the dinner is she told me a couple of weeks ago about it as if I was invited. Her words were " the night before the wedding we will have a nice quite dinner for us girls" and I took that to be an invitation.

I just want a mum x

I can see how you saw that as an invitation because of your own chaotic upbringing.

I think you will ultimately have to grieve for the relationship between your parents and you because they are incapable of doing that. That is not your fault or doing.

Fear of abandonment is one of many such problems that adult children of alcoholics carry around with them. I would urge you to have counselling for this issue because it could well dog you your whole life otherwise.

It is NOT your fault your parents are alcoholics.

And you will one day come to the realisation that yes you are good enough but you have parents who because of their alcoholism abjectly failed you and your sibling.

I'm not one to advise counseling for any thing that crops up in life but in your case I really think that it might benefit you.

Your MIL is not your mum.. she's offered you a part of herself and isn't willing to give any more than that.. you need to accept the relationship you do have.

I do understand.. I really do, I think thinking you're invited somewhere with people you think the world of and then finding out you aren't will sting quite a bit.. you've taken it harder because of how your childhood has affected you and this need you have inside of you that isn't being met.

Will you at least look into it? You deserve to be happy and free of the past.

I have had counselling in the past because I did go though a depression and I had thought I had dealt with it, but obviously I haven't.

I think another thing that's upsetting me is because the hen night. My other sister in law (the one who isn't getting married) and the other bridesmaid weren't able to organise anything for the hen night because of work commitments/family commitments, infact sister in law couldn't make hen night because she wasn't in the country. So I was asked to arrange the hen night and I was the one who paid out the money for decorations etc and arrange all sister in laws friends to be there etc. Actually I was over the moon to arrange it all, I honestly didn't mind because I was really excited, but I just feel as if I'm tossed to the side, and it doesn't matter that I'm not at the dinner.

I know people will be thinking I'm sounding needy and desperate I probably am coming across as that, but it's not as if I'm constantly wanting to do things with my mother in law. She goes out with her daughters I'm not invited and I don't get upset about that. I see her twice a week and we go for lunch, shopping etc and that's great I'm just really upset about the dinner and it's made me really look at the relationship as a whole and I've realised it's not what I would like it to be.

Thinking about things, I think these feelings have been festering even more since the hen night. The bride knows that it was me who arranged the hen night. I don't know if she realises that it was me who paid for everything (no one has offered to pay any of this back to me, I wouldn't want them to, and I wouldn't ask), but at the end of the night, she thanked everyone for coming and thanked her mum, sister and her friend for arranging a wonderful night for her, and even got them flowers a couple of days later to say thanks, again, I wasn't acknowledged.

I suspect that as the child of alcoholics, you are not very good at voicing what you need- in the hen night example it does seem you have been overlooked, but it doesn't seem on purpose, it very much seems that the bride simply didn't know you did it all, and you didn't tell her either.

If you meet your MIL twice a week for lunch, I think that's quite a lot of involvement, but it probably is best if you don't think of yourself as a second daughter but as a DIL, which you are, and it sounds as if most of the time you get on very well.

I am not sure if you need to reappraise the relationship, and please don't fall out about weddings because they seem to bring out the worst in everyone.

Then maybe it isn't your MIL who's excluding you? Maybe her daughters sense your need for a mother figure and are being territorial? It's not a very nice thing to take credit for something they haven't done but I really would start to say no more often if you're being took for granted though.

This may be completely in the wrong direction but have you considered that its the bride who is making these decision, not your MIL?

So your MIL could have said 'we will have a nice quite dinner for us girls' meaning that you were invited at that time, then the bride said she would rather you didn't come & the MIL had no choice but to comply?

Also if the bride knew you had arranged the hen night but purposefully thanked other people, that's odd. Has she got the wrong end of the stick or is she being odd on purpose?

op I do think it's a bit shit - considering the involvement in the hen do and that sils friend is going.

There is nothing you can do though.

I have NC with my mother - she was awful. Not spoke in over ten years and all through me growing up it was hideous. When I first met mil, she was very welcoming and I sort of felt what you do as in I wanted the whole united front. Sadly with in a few months mil shown her true colours and it wasn't want I'd hoped for.

Be glad of the relationship you have (me and mil have a silent Cold War going on)

Regarding SIL, she probably wasn't told you has paid in to it.

Take a step back and become matriarch of your own little family, let them be in your life rather than you infusing your self in theirs x

You know what? I think your MIL did mean to invite you but has forgotten about it in the strain and excitement pre-wedding. I completely understand why you'd be hurt, after being told about it and doing so much re: the hen night. You've played the role of a sister or a bridesmaid and now you feel left to one side for the warm fuzzy bit.

You have your MIL on a pedestal at the moment but she's human and flawed. She's not behaved quite right here and that's ok. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you though I understand it hurts like hell. If she really was your mum, you would probably already have had to come to terms with the fact that she's just another human being who messes up. That's something we usually realise in teens/early twenties. I can understand you are still at the 'little girl' stage of wanting something that should have been available to you many years ago.

Possibly not now, but at some point, I might say in the nicest possible way that you felt a bit hurt about missing the dinner after enjoying the hen night so much and thinking you were invited. And explain you're only saying it so it doesn't go on under the surface. It's possible that your sister in law just wants her mum and sister and best friend at this late stage, which would be nothing to do with your MIL at all.

I'm so sorry you've been so badly hurt.

Thanks again everyone. I can't see it being my sister in laws, but I suppose you never know. I get on great with them too, always have.

My sister in law did know I arranged the hen night, she was the one that asked me to arrange it because of the circumstances, but as I said I don't know if she knew I paid for everything. I don't know if she will ask her sister about the money.

I definetly won't fall out with them over the wedding, a lot of the wedding details are a big secret and the honeymoon is a secret too, but I know MIL, SIL and bridesmaid know all the details, and I don't and that's fine, I don't mind about that, cos that's something the wedding party know and I'm not in the wedding party, and again that's fine.

Hopefully in a couple of days, I will have perked up a bit and be fine, but thank you everyone for your messages I do appreciate it. I don't normally have anyone I can "talk" to about these things, I usually bottle them up. DH doesn't understand, he's just like "it's not big deal, you have me" but he doesn't understand x

If your close, I would expect the wedding party to be close family and you are. What's with the secrecy?

Well, it is a close family, but it has always been closer with the daughters rather than the sons. infact thinking about it, my hubby is giving his sister away, and he doesn't know a lot of the details except when to turn up etc lol. there are other daughters in law in the family (another 2), but they don't speak to any of the family. So the only one left out is me.

When FIL passed away (got on brilliantly with him too, he was a complete gem) there was a bouquet for flowers from MIL, SIL's and Nieces. I wasn't included in that either, and TBH that did hurt a bit.

Op, I totally get why you are upset and fair enough, they aren't involving you. Fair enough.

But it was unfair for your mil ( I don't think intentionally ) saying ' for us girls' as if you were invited. Also it suited to have you there for the hen to sort things.

I would take all this to heart too. However... I would make my on life away frm them a bit more. Sometime (I don't mean to be harsh) if you are too available, people don't respect you as much. Cool off a bit. Try and be happy in yourself.

It's totally shit but they don't see you as their daughter or sister. You are an in law.

Yeah littlegreengloworm, I have been thinking that this morning, I'm a daughter/sister when it suits them. But I can't helping loving them so much, and just want to have that "belonging" feeling.

When I met hubbies family, I was thrilled that it was a big family, I always wanted to be round at his house (my own mum is so jealous of this, but there is no chance of me having a close mother/daughter relationship, too much damage there I'm afraid).
Straight away I warmed to his parents, and that in itself is very strange, I don't trust a lot of people and it takes a long time for me to let people get close, again i know this is because of my past.

I guess I just have to realise the one thing I feel I'm lacking in my life and have always looked for is a mum and and a proper family with brothers and sisters and that's the one thing I'm not going to get. The longing in my heart for that is almost painful. I don't have a close relationship with my sister because, she is an alcoholic and drug addict and has stolen from me in the past, I don't want her in my life because I can't trust her, and I don't want her round my children.

The are lucky to have you in their life op. don't forget that, but step back. That's what I think.

Have you spoke to your husband about this?

Yes Fall78, but he just tells me to get over it, that I have him and it's not a big deal, but he had a proper mum and still has although he only sees his mum once a week and that's enough for him and he knows his mum has a very close relationship with his sisters. He just thinks because I have a family of my own now and him I shouldn't need anything else, but I DO.

I really feel for you. My Mum died a few years ago and my family all live overseas. I rely heavily on my MIL who I love too. but she is totally welcoming and me and the other SIL are always there for every event. We are just a bigger better family.

I couldn't imagine being left out of such an important event.

That said, you can't force a relationship on someone who doesn't want it. maybe it is time to step back and see if she comes to you. Test the friendship a little and see how much the family truly care about you.