Relationship with mother in law

[Bluedolphin1971]

hello, I guess I'm just on here to vent, maybe get some advice, tell me I'm being silly and get over myself?

I love my mother in law, infact, I adore her always have. She has 2 daughters of her own, which I equally adore, but I want her to make me feel and treat me like her daughter and she doesn't.

I don't have a special/close relationship with my own mum. My mum and dad were/are alcoholics, and from a very young age (8), I was a carer for them both and my younger sister. I didn't have a good childhood, infact I absolutely hated it. it was so bad, that my sister and I should probably have been taken into care, but we slipped under the radar.

I have told my mother in law about my childhood, and I've told her how I feel about her. She always tells me she looks at me as a daughter, but I have a mum and no one can take her place!! That she can't stand on anyone's toes.

One of my sister in laws is getting married tomorrow so the sisters are going to be together along with mother in law. There is a dinner being planned just for the "girls" and my mother in law told me about the dinner but I now find out I'm not invited, it's just for her and her own daughters, and also my sister in laws friend (because she is a bridesmaid). To say I'm gutted is an understatement I have spent all last night feeling really upset, crying and well generally just alone.......again.

To me it's like another kick in the teeth, another rejection, I've always thought I wasn't good enough for my mum and dad to give up their drink for me, so now I'm not good enough for my mother in law.

I don't really know what to do/think/say to try to make myself feel better. I know I can't force her to include me, but I just feel so sad.

I do think they were all a bit unfair to OP about the Hen Party. From what I know of these parties, all the 'hens' share the cost of everything, with the exception of the bride-to-be, who is paid for by the rest. My daughter has arranged several hen parties (I helped by making photos on T-shirts, also putting together photos for spoof 'magazines'.) OP shouldn't have had to pay for everything - wasn't this discussed beforehand, with the guest hens? It should have been - sounds like she got lumbered with costs and no thanks but I suspect the bride to be and family didn't realise OP had paid for it all.

I do feel so sad for OP, longing to be a part of the ILs' close family, but I agree with MNs who suggest she makes sure her own family is close and loving, which I'm sure she does. And yes - some form of counselling would help a lot - OP's childhood sounds ghastly.

I agree with tallesttower.

It's a really tough situation op

Its so hard when people just don't get it OP. You dont 'get over' having parents like yours, its just not that simple. You have every right to feel upset. I agree with others that counselling is the way forward. This is not something that can be fixed in 6 sessions or 10 sessions, it will take time and be very painful but it really is the path to freedom and happiness.

Oh my love, I do feel for you - it must be awful to feel such a void. You are being a touch unreasonable though, you do know that don't you? Leaving out the hen night business, which is nothing to do with your MIL and sounds to me like a communication breakdown.

You see your MIL twice a week, have a cracking relationship with her and her daughters. She is kind and inclusive and tells you that you mean a good deal to her. You really can't blame your ILs for not loving you in PRECISELY the way you would like them too, they seem to give you a good deal. I think you need to get some more counseling and help to come to terms with your feelings toward your blood family. The answer is not to simply swap your Mum for a nicer version, however appealing that might be. If you can come to some peace around that, you might find it easier to appreciate the wonderful extended family that you have and put it in its proper place.

Bluedolphin I just want to give you a hug. I'm so sorry you feel so shitty about this. What a terrible shame for you.

I agree that you could do with some help to settle some of the issues with your own mum and your place in the family. Nonetheless, your MIL knows all this, but is happy for you to join when it suits, or be insensitive enough to talk about 'just us' and then rescind, and I can totally understand why you feel left out. I (privately) loathed my ExMIL and love my mum, but still would have felt left out and snubbed by this, but there isn't much you can do - smile and try to enjoy the big day, and perhaps look elsewhere towards friends or something for a bit more support outside of the family role?

I understand that you feel hurt however your new sister in law may not see you that way. Every one has different views regarding family and relationships. Please dont take this as a personal thing. X

Thanks again everyone. I'm feeling a bit better today. The wedding was fabulous, bride and bridesmaids beautiful.

What was interesting was when MIL was talking to her sisters about my eldest DS (whom she looked after when he was younger when I went to work), and was telling them how she is like a mum to him, and how much she loves him. I couldn't help but think "yeah but you won't be a mum to me, cos you won't stand on my mums toes but you will stand on my toes when it comes to me" and there have been a couple of issues where I've been put aside by her when it comes to him.

Maybe I am being insensitive and unreasonable when it comes to my MIL, hopefully one day I will get over it x

The above should say " you will stand on my toes when it comes to him".

Sorry still a bit early in the morning lol x

The MIL comment about your son and her being a mother to him is a bit shit. Perhaps this family isn't as perfect as you think it is.

Back off a bit, accept that you haven't got the mum you should have had (no fault of yours at all btw) and try to focus on being the best wife/mum/woman you can be, in spite of your upbringing.

I know this is shit, but you could really do with a bit more counselling to help you get there.

Agree with hissy

Hi I understand how you feel, I struggled with my reactions to situations and how crushed and rejected I could feel when others seemed to breeze through situations, I probably should have had counselling about my childhood experiences of alcoholics too, but I did read lots of books and found the following two really helpful:
www.amazon.co.uk/Perfect-Daughters-Alcoholics-Robert-Ackerman/dp/1558749527/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398595372&sr=1-1&keywords=perfect+daughters

www.amazon.co.uk/Intimacy-Struggle-Janet-Geringer-Woititz/dp/1558742778/ref=pd_sim_b_8?ie=UTF8&refRID=1RE4Q42HH4BB21XF041P

your husband will never really understand because he didn't have the same experiences growing up that you did, perhaps if you work through the books together he can gain some insight to your feelings which might be helpful.

I think this must be so difficult and upsetting for you, OP. Your childhood will have made you more sensitive AND less resilient, and it's inevitable that you will interpret situations like this through the lens of your own childhood.

It does sound like another go at counselling could help. I also think maybe it's time to give yourself a break. The way you feel is understandable, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it's not fair that you are hurting. It's okay to acknowledge that you are in pain.

My ILs are similar but not quite as extreme. Very matriachal. I am included only when it suits them and then excluded at others. I am not allowed to invite some without inviting all though or it kicks off.

In the end I have distanced myself because I'll never be truly one of them even though I have no other family of my own. What really hurts is that SILs dc are included and fawned over far more than ours even though mine are better behaved and more enjoyable (as PIL have told us!)

Good luck but I do wonder if it's your SILs that have more of an issue than you realise, it is certainly my SIL who felt threatened and kicked off in the early days.

I'm sorry Op , I understand how you feel because I've got a similar background.

I agree with others who say you would benefit by more counselling. I think you have very unreasonable expectations of mil. While you filter your self esteem through others you will always need them to validate you. That either puts them in a role they don't want , or it gives them a lot of power.

I also think the Christmas card ideal family image doesn't exist.

Hi hun, I completely understand how you feel. I too have an awful relationship with my mother. At times I also just need to be 'mothered'. I have a lovely mother-in-law who I wish was more maternal to me (my issue of course). She loves my partner and our son and when I see that I realise what I'm missing. I think it's completely natural to feel the way that you do. I wish you well x