need advice (long)

[notmakingsense]

I have written and deleted a post so many times but here goes. Im currently on ads for anxiety/mild depression not sure if this is affecting the way I am thinking or if it is irrelevant.
I have been with my partner for over 8 years we got together young and now have 2 dc have lived together for 6 years and been engaged for 2 years. Somehow I now find myself not liking him and im unsure if there is love left or not. Im not saying this is all his fault as I have my issues mainly re money and admit to tightly controlling spending as we had a job scare last year I recognise that I was overly anxious about it hence seeing the doctor and on ads. I know that my behaviour around money was not normal but it was not done out of spite or because I want to be like that.
However I also do at least 99% of the housework, cook almost all the meals, and put both dc to bed. In fairness I work part time while he works ft but anytime we have spoken about my wanting more help around the house the response is well I work ft so if you dont like it you go work ft and then we will be equal. While he has never been the most patient person gradually he has become a very easily wound up one. Our eldest dc is going through a phase of being cheeky I have found ignoring works best but all he seems to do is shout and not just at the cheek but whenever dc does something accidentally like trip over or drop something which results with him shouting dc in tears and me comforting dc though sometimes im worried about doing that as it sets him off on a 'you never discipline dc' perhaps I am too soft but I feel really sorry for dc when he is like that. I also find now that dc is shouting when told no or upset by something and seems angry am no saint and if particularly cheeky/naughty have shouted but not often. He spends most of his time at nights on the net or computer too.

Im thinking I am being too harsh? My head says if it wasnt for dc you would have left but whats best for them an intact family or one where theres a shouty parent (dc has actually said daddy shouts all the time) the selfish part of me is also scared of sharing residency if the worst came to worse. Also how I would manage financially though I could move back in with parents and dc love it there I would feel like a failure

What has pushed me to write this post is that for the last 3 days he has barely spoken to me. I think he must think I have done something wrong, admittedly I have been sleeping with ds in his bed but this is because he has been up and down during night and its just easier than getting up n down to him or it could be that I choose to stay with my parents while dc was on school holidays though have spoken since then as we went out on a day out with dc normally I would be the one running asking whats wrong and trying to fix it but I feel he should do it this time as I did not stop talking to him. He literally ate the dinner I made last night then went to bed and last couple days has always been in a different room to me left for work with the lunch I made him without so much as a goodbye if I say anything it will end up an argument so trying to let him come out the way he went in. I have to work today while he looks after dc then both pff tommorow but im dreading it as I dont know what to do?

Thanks if you got this far my heads all over the place.

What you're describing, I'm sorry to say, is a bully. Someone who is deliberately aggressive and unpleasant as a way to show you who's boss. "If you dont like it you go work ft" is the response of a selfish man who has no respect for you and thinks domestic stuff is something women should do to serve men. He is not a good husband, not a good father, not a family man and not a team player.

Of course it's not your fault that he behaves this way but it suits him to let you believe that because it keeps you nicely nervous, wondering how to make things better. You're already keeping quiet for fear of it ending up in an argument. I'm glad you're opting not to run after him asking what's wrong. That is entirely the right approach to take short term. Drop the 'I am no saint' self-reproach attitude, however. He's knocked your confidence but you should have faith in yourself.

Long-term I think you have to think very hard if this is the kind of environment you want to live in and - most importantly - that you want your DCs to grow up in. They are already aping his bullying behaviour and you're clearly miserable. If you're only engaged, don't make any marriage plans.

I'd suggest, whatever you ultimately decide, that you start researching how you would live as an independent woman. Get that FT job, for example, and start separating money so that you have an escape fund. Talk to someone about housing and other practical things. It may make you feel more in control and give you more hope for the future.

Just adding to Cogito that I very much doubt he'll want shared custody.
And if you ever get a hint of abusive behaviour you can stop or limit contact.

I can only echo what the others have written here.

He is certainly not helping your current depressive state and is just adding to the overall misery. He has done a bang up job of reducing you to the low point you are at now; you're walking on eggshells re him aka living in fear. I can't see him going for joint custody; he is really not interested in the children at all but he could well make any legal separation as difficult for you as possible.

Call the engagement off now and get this chancer out of your day to day life. Seek legal advice so you know how things are in a legal framework.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What holds you within this now; a fear of the unknown?. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. This man you're with is a terrible example of a partner and father and they're already miserable too.

He is not enhancing your life or your childrens in any way and his behaviours towards you could also be seen an abusive.

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. Until you all said it I really didnt think he was abusive just not good with emotions. yes I used to be very upset when he was ignoring me like he is now and would try my best to resolve whatever was wrong though it tended to be after we argued rather than just going straight to this behaviour if that makes sense. Also wasnt this long.

Im not sure whats holding me here but yes its probably fear of the unknown, would he get 50/50 residency would I be able to afford to live on my own though I know we could live with my parents as long as we wanted and get on very well with them. Tenancy is in both names but most of the other household bills are in my name (I was on mat leave so set them up) so I could end up left with them plus the cars in my name im stupid arent I

My youngest dc is under 2 so working ft would be hard and i think id feel most guilty about turning my dc life upside down but your right I dont want them to think its normal quite often eldest doesnt want to come home from gps but then they do get spoiled also.

I cant afford legal advice but will at next opportunity speak to somewhere that can advise me.

The bills and the car (s?) being in your name is not a problem.
If you move out, you just need to stop the bills.
And if the car is in your name, you could always sell it. And it makes it easier at you can use it at your will. If he takes it, you report it stolen.

Check the benefits you are entitled to.

And if he does go for 50% custody (doubt it), you can dispute it, as well as make an agreement for shared expenses (clothes, etc)

There are some solicitors that offer a free initial consultation so it's worth shopping around or getting a recommendation. You're not married which, in this instance, may work in your favour. As for turning DCs' worlds upside down... it is sadly possible for children to be quite damaged when trapped in someone else's abusive relationship. It's not whether you are together or apart that matters, it's how you relate to each other and how you resolve differences.

The assumption, when it comes to access to children, is that 50/50 parenting is ideal. However, aggressive bullies who think children are women's work rarely rush forward to demand more than the bare minimum, although they will often threaten to sue for sole custody as a way to frighten you.

If you do move out of the house and live with your parents you could potentially tell the utility providers to transfer the bills to his name and you could sell the car. In other words, there are options.

First off well done for posting. So you're pretty much a single parent and provide packed lunches and a nice home with clean clothes and food for him, and what does he give you in return - the silent treatment, bloody awful way to be and even worse for you on the receiving end, sorry but he's sounds vile, in all aspects. He says get a f/t job and you will both be equal, how's that then cos you'll still be doing 99% of the childcare and no doubt the domestic stuff so not even close to equal, cheeky git.

Can't help but think you and your kids will have a happier calmer life if he wasn't in it.

Thanks again so got in from work and had said am I still getting silent treatment because if I am im going away to stay with parents for weekend so he finally told me his 'problem' its that I have been staying with my parents or was for a few weeks the 1st week I had an ill dc he was at work and then I was ill the others were school holidays and eldest dc loves being there (as do I) and he was working during the day mostly on one of his days off I accompanied my dm to a consultant appointment apparently I didn't need to she could have gone on her on?! I said well I support my dps as they would and have supported me. So main thing seems to be that I stayed there for as he keeps stressing 3 weeks though I was home at least 2 nights a week I appreciate its not normal to stay with them as much but my mum has been through anxiety/depression and was a great support as was my dad in just helping with kids etc especially when they were ill as it was hard to cope with crawling baby and sicky child then little one was ill then me he got it too but was obviously home alone. Am I in the wrong to have stayed for the understanding and help? I said you did see us every day as you came to my dps for your dinner and then if we had been home you would have been on computer anyway to which I got well you dont ask to watch tv ffs I meant playing with the kids or something!
It lead on to helping in the house (he thinks he does as does dishes on days off)and the usual line came up but I stood my ground and said so what we would be worse off if I was working more and other ft workers still help in the house to which I got well ask then I said really an overflowing bin isnt obvious or u cant offer to put youngest dc to bed or stick a washing on. At one point I also got it would be nice to come home to a clean house now I can see the house is a bit messy and theres jobs needing done or at least done more often but I am trying they have luches dinners clean clothes clean bottles etc id like it to be cleaner too hard wen u have to ask the 1 other grown up to clean the loo after they use it. He did admit he had dealt with it wrong but didnt feel he was wrong

So on to tonight he said he would help more and see the doctor about his anger (not sure if I believe it) but also said in a jokey way I need him I couldn't afford a house on my own and that he would fight me for kids and thats the part that scares me the most I feel sick about not seeing them for even 50% of the time (because then he wouldn't have to pay me maintenance) and said he would give up working so he wouldn't have to! He made it sound like he was joking but its stuck in my hhead. So just now he was trying to initiate sex but I said I was too tired so I got I give up trying with you its been 3 weeks you knocked me back earlier in week and dont want to now so I just give up though im not getting silent treatment and I will admit that I have been experiencing a very low sex drive for some time I just dont want to im so tired and yes I know I shouldn't even be considering it but somehow I feel like the baddy as im the one who left him on his own at nights for 3 weeks and im the one who doesnt want to be intimate

Oh, that's an abuser's typical get back. That they will fight for the kids. They don't and if they do it's only to annoy you. They know they will lose. You're the SAHM, so unless you're abusive, the children will stay with you.

Then, threatening you with you not making it on your own.

And he showed his contempt for you when he told you it would be nice to come home to a clean house. You're his cleaner and nanny.

I do think you should make plans to leave. Set yourself some defined boundaries about what is expected behaviour. About any anger outbursts and about the work you expect him to do at home. And if they are crossed, leave.

You can do it. When you start your planning, you'll see you can do it.

My ex said he would fight for custody of our dds

He currently has one if them one night a fortnight and the other one not at all -his choice

If he had said about doing more at home without the caveat of 'you wouldn't cope without me' then it might have been worth a try at repairing the relationship but after that comment -no

I was in an EA relationship with silences, being told I was no good, being told I was mentally ill and that I was either frigid or there was something wrong with me because I didn't want sex with someone who would either sit on the computer all night or go to bed several hours before me while I did the childcare, shopping, washing etc and then text me from upstairs to tell me I 'owed' him a BJ!

Within 4 weeks of splitting up I was no longer feeling depressed or anxious, I realised I was more than coping and there was nothing wrong with me other than I didn't like being treated like crap

It is never the best option to stay in a bad relationship

Agree with the PPs that what you're describing is just more bullying. Guilt-tripping, threats, blaming others. In fact, in my earlier post I predicted that he would threaten to sue for sole custody. These people are not exactly original. And then, after threatening to take your kids away, he tries to initiate sex? That's all you are to him, isn't it? A breathing wank-aid .... Disgusting behaviour.

Thanks I am listening just trying to wrap my head around things. Once I got in to bed he tried it on again and I said no im tired and dont feel particularly well or in the mood to which I got its been 3 weeks when will you be in the mood I sighed and he said just forget it I give up turned over and went to sleep. How do I avoid being intimate while trying to get my head straight and not show what im thinking. Today we are taking kids out and so far im not getting silent treatment he is just up (ive fed bathed and dressed baby) n seems to be acting normal.

Would I really get majority residency? I worry for 50/50 due to his short temper he hasnt been violent though so I couldn't prove anything

Have so many thoughts going through my head and I think the fallout could be big and ugly especially the response from him and mil. I am supposed to be going out with my mum for a few hours tonight but it means leaving youngest with him though she will be in bed most of it dont know whether I should go.

I think the others are right.

What jumped out at from your op is the fact that you got together young and may well have changed now.....the fact that you second guess yourself also. Never do that. Always understand that the reason you think something is because you think it and it is perfectly ok to think things. And believe them to be true.

I would say your anxiety and depression is a result of this.

If I were you today, I would make myself scarce and have a good think about how I could leave this man, and set up by myself and then all of life would be at my feet instead of this trying all the time and sensing in my heart that it is no good. It is better to let go of that and let fresh life breathe in. It's scary but so exhilarating x. And really try to avoid arguments with the husband. Let him rant but try not to respond. Try to get away and stay away. And it doesn't matter if both of you start thinking, shit this may really be it. Wait for tempers to fall before you lay it on the table to each other and start discussing how to split.

Unlikely to get shared residence of children that young
Find a local domestic abuse one stop shop in your local borough. Often they have solicitors there giving free advice.
Tenancy may be a difficulty. He may not agree to leave. You may have to move and private rent. It will be ok. Everyone else manages.
Don't work full time, carry on as normal. Claim benefits.

I don't like the sound of what he said last night.
He is jealous of you not being there. Wants you as his mummy too.
It smacks to me that you spend so much time there because he is miserable and you are unhappy around him. I would want to be elsewhere too.
He is a man who thinks the house is all your job.

He is a man who will put you down to stop you getting on in life and hold you back to minister to him.
He is a man who will threaten your kids to maintain control. Use your children as a bargaining tool to hold you to him.
I totally get why you don't want to sleep with him, he is a controlling wanker and you never get to win or be happy.

Pack bags and go to your lovely mum and dads and get your head turned right.

Living and being with an abuser affects the way you think.
It makes you feel mad.
Things don't seem the way you see them. He has twisted it round.

Get out.
You will soon feel better.
Get to your mum and dads for a better time and think there.
I have helped a thousand women like you leave men like this, with all the debt and money and housing worries. They all make it. You can too.

Have a nice day out today.n maybe try to play with the kids and keep it all fake jolly.

Re the fallout. I would handle a breakup this way.

Tell the man face to face.
But have prepared bags for myself and the kids previously and have them safe at mum and dads.
So then tell the man, stay for a bit but then leave.
Have dad on standby for a certain time if I have not arrived by then.
So not answer calls, turn phone off, don't read texts or emails. Let the dust settle. If there is going to be fallout, stay away from it. Don't think it is not there, but do make sure you keep away from it touching you. You don't have to hear anything about how he feels about it until a good time has passed. You don't owe him that after the way he has treated you.

Not many men really want the kids do they? He is trying to hurt and scare you with that one. Call his bluff and start discussing it as a real possibility. Say oh yes, I could get a full-time job then and see them every other weekend. Watch his face drop.

And no wonder you don't want to sleep with him. It's not your sex drive, it's his behaviour.

" How do I avoid being intimate while trying to get my head straight and not show what im thinking"

'No' should be enough. But it should also be a motivation to get your head straight sooner rather than later. Please make those calls, get the information and keep your eye on the prize i.e. life as a free and independent woman.

BTW... if you're anticipating ugly responses or retaliation then, as part of your escape plan, do alert the police non-emergency number. That way they'll be ready to help you if it gets nasty.

I could have written your post a few years ago so well done for writing. A few things that made a difference for me and helped me to make my decision to leave:

• having a free half hour with a solicitor (actually an hour as she was lovely). She talked through how courts generally respond when there are residence disputes. Not being married will make it easier for you but don't assume you will need that route if you separate. Because I had worked out what type of residence/contact arrangement I wanted and was clear about it my husband agreed to avoid going to court and it has worked out really well. Since we split up his attitude toward the children improved beyond belief and it was the best thing that could have happened to them all.
• I also called child tax credits and got an idea of what I could claim on my own. You can separate and claim independently even if you are still living in the same house.
• I decided not to argue about money or the house or maintenance (people really struggle to understand this) but walking away and being self sufficient (plus tax credits!) was so liberating. Financially I have a lot less now but it's so worth it.

You might also find the the Freedom Project run nationally by Women's Aid helpful. You don't have to be beaten up to be in an abusive relationship and it does sound like bullying to me. Have you talked to friends/family? Good Luck.

Hi all thank you for being so nice to me.have been out most of day and out for a while with my mum just now she also thinks he is an arrogant bully and said ultimately its my decision but me and the dc can stay with her and dad for as long as we want too so that would somewhat releive the worry about money.

I find myself wondering was he always like this and I didnt notice before 2nd dc was born though he was fairly selfish throughout the pregnancy. Or has he changed or have I?

I do infact control the household finances at the moment as he is impulsive with money and I got us out of debt by being 'over the top uptight' with money. Its my biggest flaw but I am aware of it and have been trying to be less 'tight'

I will look into things. He also seems to think that as we have been together so long everything would be split 50/50 due to common law which tbh would ultimately benefit me.

Can I ask what sort of residency others have in place? Whats normal?

There is no such thing as common law, so there is no automatic entitlement to anything.

I didnt think so either tbh and have no idea what he thinks I have that he would want half of really

No such thing as common law

Everything jointly owned is a 50:50 split
Anything bought from your bank account is yours and anything bought from his is his

Hi all still trying to get my thoughts together and find myself wondering Is it me really? If I wasnt so stringent with budget would he be less angry. I am unhappy but he is acting normal as thought it has never happened and its all good

I have been at work today eldest with gps and youngest with him this morning I got up 1st and could hear dc stirring as I was getting ready he plonked her on the floor then as dc crawled to me he went back to bed. I ended up feeding and changing her then rushing around then took her in to him and dc was a bit grumpy to which he said oh no your going to be a grumpy git all day then he even raises his voice to youngest dc saying oh thats enough etc im not sure he knows when he is shouting anymore to be honest. Got home with eldest dc to a clingy baby and computer on. Are all men like this? Am I wrong to be expecting more bottles were washed but not sterilised and there is a big pile of laundry

What practical steps can I take just know that wont alert him to the fact im thinking of leaving? WWhere can I go for advice apart from a solicitor which I will need to at some point but I just want to have knowledge and digest it.