need advice (long)

[notmakingsense]

I have written and deleted a post so many times but here goes. Im currently on ads for anxiety/mild depression not sure if this is affecting the way I am thinking or if it is irrelevant.
I have been with my partner for over 8 years we got together young and now have 2 dc have lived together for 6 years and been engaged for 2 years. Somehow I now find myself not liking him and im unsure if there is love left or not. Im not saying this is all his fault as I have my issues mainly re money and admit to tightly controlling spending as we had a job scare last year I recognise that I was overly anxious about it hence seeing the doctor and on ads. I know that my behaviour around money was not normal but it was not done out of spite or because I want to be like that.
However I also do at least 99% of the housework, cook almost all the meals, and put both dc to bed. In fairness I work part time while he works ft but anytime we have spoken about my wanting more help around the house the response is well I work ft so if you dont like it you go work ft and then we will be equal. While he has never been the most patient person gradually he has become a very easily wound up one. Our eldest dc is going through a phase of being cheeky I have found ignoring works best but all he seems to do is shout and not just at the cheek but whenever dc does something accidentally like trip over or drop something which results with him shouting dc in tears and me comforting dc though sometimes im worried about doing that as it sets him off on a 'you never discipline dc' perhaps I am too soft but I feel really sorry for dc when he is like that. I also find now that dc is shouting when told no or upset by something and seems angry am no saint and if particularly cheeky/naughty have shouted but not often. He spends most of his time at nights on the net or computer too.

Im thinking I am being too harsh? My head says if it wasnt for dc you would have left but whats best for them an intact family or one where theres a shouty parent (dc has actually said daddy shouts all the time) the selfish part of me is also scared of sharing residency if the worst came to worse. Also how I would manage financially though I could move back in with parents and dc love it there I would feel like a failure

What has pushed me to write this post is that for the last 3 days he has barely spoken to me. I think he must think I have done something wrong, admittedly I have been sleeping with ds in his bed but this is because he has been up and down during night and its just easier than getting up n down to him or it could be that I choose to stay with my parents while dc was on school holidays though have spoken since then as we went out on a day out with dc normally I would be the one running asking whats wrong and trying to fix it but I feel he should do it this time as I did not stop talking to him. He literally ate the dinner I made last night then went to bed and last couple days has always been in a different room to me left for work with the lunch I made him without so much as a goodbye if I say anything it will end up an argument so trying to let him come out the way he went in. I have to work today while he looks after dc then both pff tommorow but im dreading it as I dont know what to do?

Thanks if you got this far my heads all over the place.

Well now you know it's not you... Of course all men are not like this. Most are decent human beings that pull their weight and respect their partners, and not bullyboy cowards that go around picking on women and little children. Best way to plan your exit is to behave as normally as possible around him. For advice I suggest you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They can give you several sources of information and they are used to hearing stories - like yours - of domestic abuse.

Hi not, it sounds like you have a lovely mum and dad to move in with. When does your tenancy run out? Do you have one car? Does he use it but due to his bad credit you had to take it out finance in your name? If so this may be the 50/50 asset split he is talking about. (Sorry I am cynical!).

Does he tell you you are controlling with money? Controlling with money means you spend frivolously on unnecessary things (hobbies, nights out, pamper sessions) whilst not allowing your partner the same luxuries or access to money. Do you do this? Paying the gas, electric and the pesky water board as a priority is NOT controlling, it is being a grown up and realising bills come before pleasure.

Sorry for the questions but reading between the lines me feels there is a bit more going on!

cogito thank you so much im still feeling weird about saying he is abusive even though I can talk and say how unpleasant he can be to me and the dc. Its like he doesn't know how else to be when they are acting up or I dont agree and he thinks he is right he will never back down and rarely says sorry.

43 yes he thinks I am to an extent I guess I am tthough. No I dont go spending lots of money on myself I hardly ever spend on anything that isnt a bill or food etc unless we r out as a family and if he says he wants £ yes i will ask how much but only so I can keep an idea of budget and I do ask what for but only because I know he would go buy something because he cant find it in the house or decide that he wants snacky type food even though there are things in the house. I would say that apart from the occasional treat for the dc I dont spend anymore in fact probably less than him. My parents though often treat me by like bringing me a cake or something back or taking me and dc out to lunch I think this may make him jealous? He actually said last night when I brought dc in things id bought at work from a charity tombola type thing and what did u buy me I never get bought anything I just said I didn't get anything either its only kids stuff for charity. Is it me am I too controlling I guess im just scared of ever falling in to debt again or the what ifs ie job loss major unexpected expenses like big appliances etc

Hi im back again just need to offload check im not the one being unreasonable and generally ask wwyd.

Things have been ok since the weekend I would say he has been less shouty though I still find the way he says things to be unpleasant at times but even then its not so much what he says as the way it is said eg eldest dc is being clingy just now with me and doesn't want to sleep alone at night I can understand why as for last month or so he has been in same bed or room with me due to illness but is also worrying about school (another issue to do with another pupil being dealt with) so dc has been sleeping with me and it made sense this week as he is working very early saved disturbing anyone. Last night he said he didn't find dc bed overly comfortable (full size single but low to ground) and dc should go to their own bed so he could get a good sleep fair enough but dc then wanted me to sleep in their bed. I said id see how things go mayabe come back through if dc sleeping soundly. After maybe 20 mins he came in and said there was something on tv I liked to watch I said id seen it already he said so your going to sleep here tonight then I repeated what id said earlier but as dc was waking if he sensed me leave i said it was likely I got ffs he can sleep on his own I just said well yes but will be up and down and I need a good sleep too so he went to bed n shut door. Mayabe I shouldn't be indulging dc? I just dont know but im happier in with dc which in itself says alot.

So on to this morning he comes in to dc bedroom before going to work to say am I going back to room for when youngest wakes up and I say yes in a bit he tells me he is going out straight after work to eat with a friend which he also done on tues I have no problem with this except my paranoid mind is wondering if he is plotting a way to take dc from me. I have to work all day tomorrow and he will be caring for them and as schools are off may even drive me to work and this makes me worry he will just go with them which is irrational as he doesnt even know what im thinking and I would like to think he wouldn't do that. Talk some sense in to me please. I cannot rid myself of feeling sick and worried about how things will go re dc if we split.

You sound very frightened and you have my sympathy. No-one here can reassure you unfortunately. We don't know the man and we don't know what he's likely to do. You really need to involve other people like Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and - I think - speed up you and DC getting out of the home. Once you are all out and safe then you can start separating your lives properly and stop living in fear.

cogito thank you I do need out I think im just scared of what it means and what could happen I feel sick at the thought of loosing my dc and whether he would agree to what I think would be best for contact as he works ft and days off change I would suggest he pick them up after work on the day before he is off then bring them back the following evening or if not agreeable with that perhaps eow and 1 overnight a week would that be considered reasonable on my part? Even though even that makes me sad but from a purely selfish point of view in that id miss them.

Im just still spinning I never thought it would come to this have been lucky enough to not have experience of a split home and wonder if im not trying hard enough. As his mum n dad are separated though not till he was late teens it feels like history repeating. I want my dc to have a good model of realtionships I know this isnt but I feel so guilty about being the one to break up a family. So and

You won't lose your DCs. However, the man is an unreasonable bully so you will need legal back-up when it comes to agreeing how you co-parent rather than thinking you can reach an amicable agreement.

Please understand that you can never try hard enough with a bully. They are not interested in an equal partnership. All they want is to be top dog, in control and create an atmosphere were everyone around them is eager to please because they are scared of the alternative.

Please also understand that you are not 'breaking up a family'. It isn't a family when it consists of one bullying man and everyone else trying to keep him happy. It's a dictatorship....

Thanks corgito its just so hard and I know it shouldn't be but he hasn't always been this way or at least not in the house. Its the shouting at dc I cant stand and the way like last night when he doesn't agree with something I do with them I feel like an idiot and to start to think maybe I am too soft but that's me and I cant help it. Its confusing too he acts normal even slightly improved to know if I should have spoken up more would it be like this.

Your probably right though I will need to seek advice and find out how much it will cost but will need to wait for an opportunity to do so without arousing suspicion as I dont want to dace the fallout before I have the facts I know im a wimp

You're emphatically not a wimp and I doubt you're soft. You're living with someone who is doing his level best to be intimidating, unpredictable and smash your confidence with bullying. You've got to be careful how you deal with someone like that and that's why you need others to help. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are not simply there for people experiencing physical abuse and who need refuge. They can also advise where to find solicitors who are used to cases with a domestic abuse element.

In the meantime, be assertive and try not to be cowed or bullied. Whatever he says or does now doesn't matter because you've got other plans.

Thanks once again corgito I dont feel very brave just scared and apprehensive as I doubt anyone would believe me if I said I find him to be a bully if im honest apart from my family but they will of course always be on my side with these things. He comes across to most as a hard working decent guy but and this may be my fault as much as his we just don't agree on things anymore.

Finances have come up again today and while he is correct I guess as his wages go into a joint account we mostly pay bills from and we live day to day so food fuel etc from my current acc which is not joint so generally he will ask me to withdraw money if he wants something and as i said in my op this was something I was overly anxious about even if there was extra my brain was always saying but what if we need it for x y or z happens I am on ads now and think in that respect I am doing a bit better. I didnt force him into the way finances are run so he was out today and I asked for bank card bank he said well why cant I keep it I didn't know what to say so said I just like to have it on me just incase. In a jokey way he kept saying no so I said fine I will just cancel it and get a new one then he said fine I want to make it a joint account to which I said well ok we will just get separate current accounts and work out % of incomes then pay to bills etc accordingly which on the face of it he seems to be accepting and has worked out what I would need to pay every month I guess this may push me in to leaving sooner rather than later as even though we have paod off debts and have a little spare cash even the way I do finances is not right. I can see how it must be frustrating for him but I thought I was doing the right thing. God only knows how im going to get/afford legal advice before all this happens I do have a friend who may be able to recommend someone as had issues herself but Im worried about anyone in his family or him finding out that im doing that plus eldest dc has only till june to finish off school and id hate to mess dc about with school as would need to change as my dps lives in another town not far away in short term but long term. Would I be looked apon less favorably because I am moving them? And would the fact im on ads mean he would be seen as the better parent?

I'm struggling to understand the financial ins and outs, sorry. Just to say that it is a good idea at this stage to retain your own bank account and resist ideas of joint account.

School will depend on where you end up living long-term rather than short-term. You're presumably planning to get your own place rather than live with parents? Cross that bridge when you come to it.

As for ADs... they do not make someone a better or worse parent any more than taking any other medication. My guess is that, once you no longer live under stress with an intimidating bully, your need for ADs will dwindle to nothing.

People will believe you. I believe you and others here believe you. You may think that no-one sees through his decent guy act but I'd be astonished if they hadn't. Shit has a way of stinking, even when it's polished to a deep shine....

Basically he doesn't have an account that is his alone and we only kept mine really as a way of separating bills and day to day or extra stuff which must be frustrating but was working in that debts have been paid off etc but to an outsider will look like im unreasonable

I really don’t know what id do long term as my parents would happily have us to stay on a permenant basis and have an extra 2 bedrooms was just going to give it time there when I work up the courage to leave and see how things go. I would be looking to stay close to them even if living on my own.

is it normal to feel so sad guilty and unsure? Ive read others threads on here and its nothing in comparison to what some are going through. I know I shouldn't be 2nd guessing myself but my god do I feel guilty and wonder if dc will ebd up hating me

Yes, quite normal to feel sad, guilty and unsure. What I don't think you realise is how deep emotionally abusive behaviour affects people. None of us like to think of ourselves as victims any more than we want to think of our partners as abusive. (We picked them, we stayed with them, what does it say about our intelligence and judgement, right?.... wrong) The effect of many years of this type of bullying is that you become filled with doubt and your confidence is on its arse. 'Am I overreacting?' you ask... 'Could I have been a better wife?'.... 'Have I brought this on myself?'... 'I'm no angel'..... 'it's nothing compared to what some people suffer' etc.

This is precisely the thinking that keeps you trapped, it has been caused by his behaviour, and you really won't appreciate how deep it goes until you shake free. Do you think the DCs don't see what's happening?.... Think again.

It does take courage to get past the fear and do it anyway. Some people need two or three goes at it before they succeed.

cogito you are spot on I cant see myself as a victim at all as In other aspects of life im so no nonsense and strong and yes I find it difficult to get my point across even when I do stand up for myself as it always seems to twist to me being in the wrong I think the way eldest dc is being is compounding how unhappy it is he often says dont tell daddy I done that or said that which makes me sad then I think but this means he will be alone with him more

I think I need some breathing space but its hard to get without arousing suspicion and talking here is helping so thank you for your help and support.

Your DS may be alone with Dad more often short-term but he'll quickly get to an age where he can make up his own mind if he still wants to bother with him.

Your right I know long term it will be better and I certainly dont want my ds to be like him but being able to choose for himself is a long way off and may or may not be another problem as he often does not want me to go out when its dad looking after him so may be upset by the changes and then having to go with him he may not want to go but will have to. While typing this (on phone) dc accidentally knocked something down from couch and he shouted what the hell was that so have just had to follow ds in to room though he said he got a fright and calmed down when I spoke to him

When your DC does that, and your partner shouts, then in that exact moment, you should stand up and give your partner a stern good old stare, to show that you are displeased.

You need to be confident and express your feelings and emotions where it needs to be to be honest.

To me, you seem so scared of so many of these situations, and I do not feel and sense that your current relationship with your partner is all that good. For example, you mentioned that you are still quite scared of the debts. This must have affected you so much, and really affected you to a high extent. You need to be able to stand firm against the beliefs that you truly want to.

I would also suggest that you give your partner a small part of the budget and let him handle his own things. Also, maybe it is best to also allow him to manage a bill and see if he can discipline and monitor this aspect and deal with being diligent too.

On top of it, consider also to work part-time, to allow yourself some time off from parenting, and give you some self esteem back on also earning too.

Do not sleep with your partner if you do not desire it. It is not necessarily a low sex libido thing, but if you do not want to, then say so. It does not matter if you are in a partnership. Be honest with yourself and with him. If you desire him again then it will come through. You can't hide from yourself. If your partner is not aware that there is nothing wrong with the relationship, then he also has an issue as well to see and think that this is a good relationship. At the moment, it seems that he is using anger to displace his side of the bargain. He should not be angry, but be honest, open, and own his part where he went wrong. Cos at the moment, it sound like both of you are offsetting one another, and are not owning up your own feelings, and thinking.

Anti-depressants can only be used for address the biology of your mind, but you still have to find a way moving forward on how to handle your life, and move forward with a good foundation. Until you take action, you will still be in that same place.

Sometimes it is okay to be scared, but the more that we do, the more we feel confident in our decisions and make the better decisions.

maisie I have spoken up at times when he has shouted for what are trivial things and get a range of responses from I just let him get away with everything (I dont) to he wasnt watching what he was doing. I dont think its right a child should feel scared of a parent either.

I do work part time already and we are ok now but the scare with jobs last year did shake me badly yes and I have explained this but he just says well it isnt like that now I get that but its made it clear to me that if did we would be in big trouble so I try to make sure there is always extra for emergencies.

No I dont desire him at the moment as we seem to have differing attitudes on everything plus im exhausted all the time. I have tried to talk about it on more than one occasion about the reasons why im low like wanting more help and less anger but it never changes anything it would seem. He is difficult to talk to as I seem to always be the bad guy and I dont even know how he turns it round like that plus doesnt do emotions like at all apart from anger. Is it me? I just dont know what to think but im unhappy thats for sure.

I dont know why I'm posting as nothing has really changed just to vent I guess.

I wake at 5-6am now alot just worried about the future mainly about dc and how this will affect them im not jumping in im going to get as much info as possible first but I just feel so confused like I may ne ruining their life but may be doing that if I stayed for them too. My dps always say its my decision which I get but could just do with someone saying im doing the rogjt thing

Just in case anyone is still reading I went to cab today but the only really useful thing they gave me was a list of solicitors. They said re joint account to contact all dd etc and take my ne off after id left and that I could take whatever money is mine so that wont be much since he is the main earner then. They couldn't really advise re dc except to say to sit down with him and sort it out which would need to happen but I think would be a fight and ugly im really doubting myself as they said maybe if you tell him this he will change anyone got any advice they could give??