AIBU-MIl and new baby?

[Inapickle123]

Will try and be as concise as possible but it won't be easy.

Had DS 13 weeks ago. Very difficult baby (severe reflux/digestive, feeding and sleep issues) which meant I was getting 2-4 hours of sleep in 24. This contributed to me getting severe PND and ridiculous anxiety about everything. Nothing I could do was good enough and I blamed myself for all DSs issues. I couldn't eat, sleep and couldn't stop crying.

My parents and DH we're amazing. Mum took 7 weeks off work and drive 1h 15m each way to spend weekdays (when DH was working) with me. They helped as much as they could; forcing me to eat, bringing in shopping, taking DS for an hour when the need for sleep overcame me, driving me to appointments etc.

Their support wasn't limited to after the birth. They were so excited about getting another grandchild, they helped DS and I buy nursery furniture and a pram. In their words "nothing is too good for DGC"

MIL, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. She really doesn't like me because DH and I are "too insular" (meaning we don't jump to help her or come over whoever she calls-always with no notice)When I fell pregnant (was told I couldn't have kids-she knew this) she responded with "well, I guess you've got what you want now".

We had minimal contact during the pregnancy. To be honest, she just wasn't interested. Whenever we went to visit, she would quickly ask
How I was before moving onto discussing her latest drama.

Despite this being her first GC, and knowing the due date, she booked a holiday to coincide, stating "it'll be late anyway and it's not like it matters if I'm there". This is despite my DH telling her that it meant a lot to him.

Anyway, since DSs birth, I haven't been the best at leaving him. My mum took him overnight about a month ago because we needed a decent nights sleep and I KNEW she would follow my instructions to the letter. Plus, given that she'd been with him every day of his life, I felt confident she knew how how to handle his fussiness and meltdowns.

Once MIL found out about this, she has made it her personal mission to have DS overnight. Despite the fact that she had never spent more than an hour at a time with him (and she lives 5 minutes away) and only seen him a handful of times since his birth (which she voluntarily missed), she expects me to leave him with her from 8am tomorrow til 3pm on Saturday. He is 13 weeks old!

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying no, and tell my DH as much. She has had him for one afternoon (5hours) and I think a few more of them are necessary before I even consider letting him stay. DH knows how difficult I find letting DS go and I thought he would have supported me in this.

Turns out, they agreed on the plans behind my back. I know DH just wants an easy life but I refuse to allow her to control me and DS the way she does him

Everything is on her terms. We have to visit her (despite having a newborn), she only makes time for us when it suits her and gives us minimal notice (sometimes only an hour and it's clear her plans have fallen through 'at the last minute) and then gets pissy when we decline.

The first 10 weeks of DSs life were horrific, yet she never asked if there was anything she could do to help. Never once offered to get shopping or help us during the day. I lost all of my baby weight within two weeks due to anxiety and even though she knew PND was the cause, she complemented the fact that I'd "done well" to drop the weight.

She has shown no interest in DS until the revelation about my parents came out and now the level of pressure she's putting on me is ridiculous. She never asked if she could take DS, she simply told us.its clearly a way of regaining control and I'm fucked if I'm playing this game.

DH thinks I should just let DS go as it's the easiest option and she's had kids so she knows what she's doing. Problem is she's convinced she knows best and would ignore instructions in favour of her own approach. Who'll have to pick up the pieces of DSs broken routine? Me. And it's taken bloody ages to get him into a loose one as it is.

So AIBU? I dint think its wrong to want to protect DS from game playing. I'm not ready to give him up to someone so selfish. I want him to be older. In all honesty, I don't want anyone taking him ever except my mum.

Oh my god, op, this is so hard for you. No I wouldn't let her have him overnight.
You need to drill this into dh head and let him tell her.

My own mother loves dramas and isn't really into my life so I kind of understand, I do the running to her all the time.

YANBU at all. I hope she will get the message. Is brilliant you conceived, what a joy after your news. We have seven mith old and it's just gets better and better.
Try not to let her spoil these specil days and congratulations

Yadnbu. She sounds jealous and controlling.

YANBU.

Ideally your DH will tell her a version of what you have put here and if she decides to be in the huff about it, leave her be.

If he finds himself unable to, and it is hard when you have been brought up by such a person, then put your foot down. Tell her that you are not ready to let the baby go overnight and you mum only did it to help you out when you were in need, she had enough experience or this particular child to cope, and you no longer have the need.

Again, let her huff about it. Tough shit. It's not about her. It's about you and your baby.

There's absolutely no way if be having that at all. She clearly has no concern for her grandchild and is more interested in playing one-upmanship games. You need to tell her (and your DH) a firm no, and not be bullied into doing something that could upset both you and your baby.

No chance would be my answer to her! Tell DH he needs to support you and that if MIL wants to help she can start by visiting and build up from there. NO way would I let her have DS overnight, stick to your guns OP.

YASNBU!

I'm usually quite defensive of MILs on here, as I had the good fortune to have a wonderful one (she died 7 years ago). In my case, I'd have been happy to let MIL have ds overnight, but probably not my own dm.

In this case, however, YANBU, for all the reasons you've given. Stick to your guns. It's not up for discussion; it's not happening.

You're not going to change her - I recognise the personality. She sounds a carbon copy of my friend's MIL, who's actually worsened over the years, although she'd never in a million years have offered to have her dgs overnight, or even for an afternoon. You might find it easier to cope with her if you don't have any expectations of public displays of emotion re: the grandchildren. Be polite and friendly and carry on living your life as you see fit.

And NO to this weekend.

I felt similarly post-birth and continue to battle my urge to put DD and DS in a bubble and never let anyone in. DD is 2 and I've only stayed away on 3 nights, one of which was to have DS! DS is 17 weeks and has only ever been out of my sight a couple of times, only with DH, only for an hour, only local.

Am I a bit batty about it? Yes. Do people comment? Yes. Have I offended people? Yes. My babies, my mental health, my terms. DH would prob be more reasonable but respects my views and is on board. When fragile, you need protecting. That's his job.

You've got enough to deal with.

Huge well done for getting through it. Keep the positivity around you

Absolutely do not back down on this I speak from experience! Once she's had that first bit of control there's no going back. And them agreeing behind your back needs nipping in the bud too, trust me.

Stand firm, you are the parent and you are in total control. Do not let her bully you into anything you're not comfortable with, you will end up full of resentment.

Who on earth told her your mum had had him overnight? Very silly

I think you need to say to MIL directly that your answer is NO.

When you see a distinct change in her treatment of you, her taking an interest in you, her gc, her family you may reconsider, but no, she doesn't get to be as dismissive and frankly rubbish and goal hang her way into having a baby she doesn't know overnight. She hasn't put the time/effort in.

LET her kick off, perhaps she'll learn something.

Your dh needs to find those balls of his and back you up.

Wha is it with these mad fucking women so prevelant on M's Net at the moment . Why would anyone think that it was their God given right to take charge of a baby who has reflux etc. for an overnight stay just because they are the dad's parents? My children were in perfect health, they saw their DGP's regularly but never stayed over. ...... WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY .... Sorry for shouting but I've never heard such nonsense. Inapickle please tell her to do one < in the nicest possible way > Then tell your DH to start standing up for you . All best wishes to you and your family.

No, no, no, not all grandparents have to do exactly the same things. Just say no, I don't want my very tiny baby staying with her thanks, and don't change the record. My children have three sets of grandparents due to divorce, one has had them overnight from very early on, one set when they were about 6 onwards and one set has never had an overnight on their own as I don't trust them! It's just the way it is in our house, I decide (with my husband) what is appropriate, whether they can care for them, if the routine will be disrupted, and they just have to go along with it.

You may let a tiny baby stay overnight with your mum at one time point, but not six months later as they are being very clingy.

I would hate this too and not sleep a wink, I would just not allow it and be prepared to piss off my husband which is really his own fault for agreeing to something when the new mum of his child is both ill with PND and it is very early on.

Stand your ground OP. She's had her turn at being Mum and now it's yours.

Of she continues to pester, just say NO firmly and keep repeating.

This is YOUR baby.

YANBU. And tell your DP to grow a pair.

Good for you for standing up to her OP. There is absolutely no way I would allow this in these circumstances.

I'd probably tell her she needs to know DC much better before she has an overnight, then suggest she has him for a few hours to start to do so.

Then the ball is in her court. She can put the ground work in, or not.

No! No! No! No! Your baby, your rules!
My MiL has a history of being difficult, point scoring, a lot of it to do with showing off to her friends, but it's not about her...
My eldest is 10, he can express his needs, we've discussed personal safety, he knowns one call and I'll be there, your baby doesn't, if you don't feel comfortable don't do it,especially if your MiL appears to be trying to prove a point/point score. She will have plenty of opportunity to have your DC overnight when he is older and can express his needs, do not compromise, you need to be comfortable and confident of the care your DS will receive if he's there overnight.

you don't have to let her have the baby overnight irrespective of the history of her involvement. totally your decision on who you feel comfortable having him. get your dh onside, explain how anxious this is making you feel and say you are not ready yet and won't put a timescale on when you might be. only any point in someone else looking after him overnight if you will actually be able to rest, and tbh sounds like you wouldn't be relaxing?

Thanks-it's nice to know that I'm not totally mental in thinking this is a bad idea.

I was really upset last night (any wonder!) and DH avoided the issue for as long as possible. When he finally asked, I told him that I was DSs mother and was pissed that I wasn't being supported by him.

To his credit, he called to "postpone" (not cancel)

Words were clearly had between DH and MIL. I have no idea what was said but DH was in an absolute stinker of a mood this morning (that full 7 hours sleep I gifted-I'm running on 3- him obviously wasn't enough).

Apparently the next time we need help with DS, we will DEfINITELY need to use MIL and that I need to trust his judgement when it comes to DS, his son too, can't just always have my way blah blah blah...

Given that these points are completely irrelevant (the issue is me not wanting him to be away, full stop, I suspect words have been rather surreptitiously put in his mouth.

Quite a frost atmosphere in the pickle house this morning. Thank god he's gone to work. I fully expect a text from MIL later today. Something to look forward to!

No no no and no again. And I am a MiL! You are not being unreasonable at all. Be strong and do what you think is best for your baby. Sending you a hug you are doing a great job. X

No way. Overnight with anyone at that age is a bridge too far (though totally appreciate your DM has had so much experience with him so a bit different)

As others say, knock this on the head now before it gets more ingrained.

Be strong - it's really hard to say no but with pnd and lack of sleep even more so.

Good luck op.

Stay strong, if she texts you I would always go for passive aggressive 'oh well it's lovely you've got time to spend with our ds now, maybe we could build him up to being ready to stay over with you? If we try and have regular meet ups for small periods of time, then we can reassess how comfortable he is with you? Obviously there was a misunderstanding earlier as it would be insane for you to have him overnight when he doesn't know you!! Looking forward to your help and support :)'

Ludicrous idea. He's far too young - and I say that as someone who's DD has stayed overnight at her GM's once a week from about 5 months old. But even now she's two she's never gone for that length of time, it's always less than 24 hours.

Just say no firmly and refuse to discuss it further.

Sorry I think you're being fussy! It's no wonder ppl don't get on with their in laws. She isn't going to behave just how you want her to yer know. Follow your instructions to the letter? Not much she can deviate from with a 13 week old.

Sorry it just seems so petty. Did you check with your dh when you let your son stay at your mums? I promise you that your son will benefit greatly from a relationship with both sets of grand parents. The woman is trying isn't she? Albeit not as hard as you would like but nevertheless.

And I promise you, a full nights sleep will do wonders for your mood the following day.

Only one thing matters - if you're not comfortable with it, don't let it happen.

And pp, you realise that's pressuring her too??

Honestly, there's enough pressure around the right / wrong things to do, just trust your instincts. These are meant to be happy times