AIBU-MIl and new baby?

[Inapickle123]

Will try and be as concise as possible but it won't be easy.

Had DS 13 weeks ago. Very difficult baby (severe reflux/digestive, feeding and sleep issues) which meant I was getting 2-4 hours of sleep in 24. This contributed to me getting severe PND and ridiculous anxiety about everything. Nothing I could do was good enough and I blamed myself for all DSs issues. I couldn't eat, sleep and couldn't stop crying.

My parents and DH we're amazing. Mum took 7 weeks off work and drive 1h 15m each way to spend weekdays (when DH was working) with me. They helped as much as they could; forcing me to eat, bringing in shopping, taking DS for an hour when the need for sleep overcame me, driving me to appointments etc.

Their support wasn't limited to after the birth. They were so excited about getting another grandchild, they helped DS and I buy nursery furniture and a pram. In their words "nothing is too good for DGC"

MIL, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. She really doesn't like me because DH and I are "too insular" (meaning we don't jump to help her or come over whoever she calls-always with no notice)When I fell pregnant (was told I couldn't have kids-she knew this) she responded with "well, I guess you've got what you want now".

We had minimal contact during the pregnancy. To be honest, she just wasn't interested. Whenever we went to visit, she would quickly ask
How I was before moving onto discussing her latest drama.

Despite this being her first GC, and knowing the due date, she booked a holiday to coincide, stating "it'll be late anyway and it's not like it matters if I'm there". This is despite my DH telling her that it meant a lot to him.

Anyway, since DSs birth, I haven't been the best at leaving him. My mum took him overnight about a month ago because we needed a decent nights sleep and I KNEW she would follow my instructions to the letter. Plus, given that she'd been with him every day of his life, I felt confident she knew how how to handle his fussiness and meltdowns.

Once MIL found out about this, she has made it her personal mission to have DS overnight. Despite the fact that she had never spent more than an hour at a time with him (and she lives 5 minutes away) and only seen him a handful of times since his birth (which she voluntarily missed), she expects me to leave him with her from 8am tomorrow til 3pm on Saturday. He is 13 weeks old!

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying no, and tell my DH as much. She has had him for one afternoon (5hours) and I think a few more of them are necessary before I even consider letting him stay. DH knows how difficult I find letting DS go and I thought he would have supported me in this.

Turns out, they agreed on the plans behind my back. I know DH just wants an easy life but I refuse to allow her to control me and DS the way she does him

Everything is on her terms. We have to visit her (despite having a newborn), she only makes time for us when it suits her and gives us minimal notice (sometimes only an hour and it's clear her plans have fallen through 'at the last minute) and then gets pissy when we decline.

The first 10 weeks of DSs life were horrific, yet she never asked if there was anything she could do to help. Never once offered to get shopping or help us during the day. I lost all of my baby weight within two weeks due to anxiety and even though she knew PND was the cause, she complemented the fact that I'd "done well" to drop the weight.

She has shown no interest in DS until the revelation about my parents came out and now the level of pressure she's putting on me is ridiculous. She never asked if she could take DS, she simply told us.its clearly a way of regaining control and I'm fucked if I'm playing this game.

DH thinks I should just let DS go as it's the easiest option and she's had kids so she knows what she's doing. Problem is she's convinced she knows best and would ignore instructions in favour of her own approach. Who'll have to pick up the pieces of DSs broken routine? Me. And it's taken bloody ages to get him into a loose one as it is.

So AIBU? I dint think its wrong to want to protect DS from game playing. I'm not ready to give him up to someone so selfish. I want him to be older. In all honesty, I don't want anyone taking him ever except my mum.

He's your baby, if you don't want him to stay somewhere you don't need any reason to say no.

YADNBU

However, if you 'definitely have to have MIL' next time you need help then start now.... and play her at her own game.

Preempt her angry text by sending her one saying that you know she is only trying to help so could she watch DS for an hour this afternoon while you go shopping. Then tomorrow ask her to babysit for a couple of hours while you and DH go out for a meal. Try and ask her every day, giving as little notice as possible and for times that DS is likely to be asleep. And watching him in your house not hers. Bet she doesn't help once, but will have a harder time justifying her complaints to DH.

Or just shoot her & bury her under the patio. Plant a nice shrub in her memory.

Your baby is not a leisure item to be borrowed for the weekend, nor is he a pawn in a battle of the grandmothers. There isn't a chance I would leave a high needs baby such as yours with someone who not only doesn't understand and wouldn't follow his routine (my son had colic and reflux and I know how important it is to stick to whatever you manage to work out between you and your child!), but also has shown so little interest until he became of political value.

Not only that, but I wouldn't leave my son unless it was useful to me. So far, in my son's 34 weeks, I have left him a very small number of times, never overnight, and always in my home. It's been to go out with my husband, and we come back by midnight. When I was exhausted in his first 13 weeks (it got a lot easier after that), my mother or sister or MIL would take care of him in my house whilst I napped. There was no need for an overnight stay, so it didn't happen.

My exMIL has had my 3 kids every Saturday since they were born (excluding them being away on holiday or sick. My DM has never had my kids overnight and has watched them on a handful of occassions through the day. My DM made it perfectly clear she was not watching any of the grandkids overnight. She had me when she was 16 then my next brother then a big gap and another 2 in her 30's, since the others have had kids she has stuck to her word. She got them up and for the first time in her life got a job which she loves but is quite demanding physically. I haven't got a problem with either of them, exMIL has been a godsend and given me loads of help and support even though i am seperated from her son. She has took them away on foreign holiday's i could never afford, helped with uniforms etc and has trust funds for them.

Despite this being her first GC, and knowing the due date, she booked a holiday to coincide, stating "it'll be late anyway and it's not like it matters if I'm there". This is despite my DH telling her that it meant a lot to him

My mil did the same thing - but did it in secret, so when dp rang to tell her the news after a very traumatic birth , she dropped that on him.

Tell her to fuck off! I caught mil feeding dd a chocolate when she was three months after me repeatedly telling her she wasn't allowed, she waited till I left the room and the whole fucking family sat there slack jawed while she did it!

Have you pointed out everything you have posted here?

I like shelbys post

Shelbys post is fantastic.

I really feel for you. I had PND and it is just horrible.
You do know that little speech your DH gave you, was infact his mother?

You don't have to leave your child with anyone you are not comfortable with.

your mil is not your problem
your dh is

yanbu
i wouldnt let her have my baby either

I think she's overbearing and she doesn't sound that nice so I understand you not wanting to leave your child with him.

However.

Your DH is right that it is his child too. In the interests of peace, wouldn't it be possible for you to take the high ground? I'm not saying agree to leave your child there overnight but it sounds like this relationship is crashing and burning. Could you perhaps ask her to come over more often? It sounds like this might fester otherwise and that's clearly not going to help your relationship with your DH.

In your position, I'd have a chat with her (with your DH there). Tell her you're a little nervous because this is your firstborn, and explain that your mother has been around him so much that you felt OK to leave him. You could tell her that you're happy for him to have a relationship with her but that you need help at the moment and that you're struggling so you'd like her to come to you. Offer to have her come around and help you for a day or two and to get to know him with you there before you start talking about leaving him alone with her. That's a totally reasonable stance to take, it leaves the ball in her court and your DH won't be able to say you're trying to have your own way.

This way, if she still chooses not to get involved, you've defused the situation with your DH who will see that you were trying to reach out to her. You've taken the high ground so if it doesn't happen, it's all on her which might make your DH feel better. Is it possible that she feels a bit excluded by all of the time your parents have spent with the baby? I'm not saying that that's a reasonable way to react but I do think that MILs can sometimes feel a bit like the mother of the mother is preferred. You openly state that you only want your mother looking after the baby. That doesn't necessarily have to change on the spot, but for your son's sake it might be nice to at least try to halt the problems here. One of you has to make the first step and a;though you might not want it to be you, if you want your DH fully on side, it might be the easiest way to go.

Your DH is part of the problem here, he should have said no at the first mention of this idea. I would never in a million years have left a baby of that age with either my DM or my MIL.

Your DH must tell her that she needs to build a relationship with your baby before she would be allowed an overnight stay & that would start with lots of short term babysitting.

She is being ridiculous to expect you to let her have your baby for that length of time, but your DH is as bad for agreeing to it. If he wants a quiet life he needs to start supporting you & not his mother.

You remind me so much of me 13 years ago. It was an awful time, when it should have been lovely. Just look at your baby and ignore the negative people. Be strong.

You are not being unreasonable your Dh is. I'm expecting my first baby any day now currently broke up with 'd'f over his family and their behaviour. Even if we were together there is noway his mum would be minding my baby. Her house is filthy and she shows a lack of respect to me. My opinion on that is that if someone doesn't respect you how are they going to respect your child. Stick to your guns here. She sounds exactly like my ex mil vindictive and just wanting to point score

Definetly do what Shelby suggested! on the pretext of them building a better bond so that eventually, overnughts are easier.

No you are not being unreasonable here and I feel that his mother is being vindictive. This is typical behaviour from such emotionally unhealthy and toxic people. They are not the only problem here however.

Your DH's ongoing desire to have a quiet life is costing him and by turn you and your child very dear indeed. He probably just wishes that you could all get along and that this would all disappear into the ether.
He is still very much a product of his own upbringing and as a result is still deep in fear, obligation and guilt with regards to his parents and that may always be the case.

His actions are hurting the person he purports to love i.e you and his own family unit now. Who is his primary loyalty to?. His parents dislike you and will use their dislike further against your child to get back at you.

Thankyou all for your kind advice-I'm buying a shovel as we speak, Shelby :)

The relationship between DH and MIL has always been tricky. She believes that, as she's 'sacrificed a lot' to being him and his siblings up (there are 6 of them) this entitles her to do exactly and get exactly what she pleases. These are her words, not mine.

Here's an example-We have always spent Xmas with my parents as it's so easy-we get on great, no arguments, lots of gifts, nice meal, lots to drink etc. then we've always gone to MIL on Boxing Day.

My parents love DH and he is treated as one of the family (as he should be, we've been together 10 years) and he loves his Xmas of excess because he never had that growing up. Last year, MIl sent him the most awful message, telling him that he expected him home for Xmas. Her sacrifices meant that she deserves her family with her on the day. I was invited too but this would mean leaving my mum on her own (dad works away). To which she replied "she's sorry but having her family around her is important at this time of year (v.religious) and pickle's mum would cope with being alone as she alone every other day of the year.

Needless to say, we spent Xmas apart to keep the peace.

She is always playing the family card, but-crucially- only when it suits. She had never bothered about Xmas before...until DH gushed about how great it was at my folks. It seems family didn't really matter when she booked her holiday!

Ugh-enough. I've spent far too long on thinking about this. I'll offer her to take him one afternoon next week and deal with the fallout tonight.

Families-who would have em' ?

Postpone till he's 10, Jesus!

What Kakaka said.

Be careful not to let your frustration with yr mil play out via yr son though.

You could always do what my parents did with me when I was a baby. They kept telling my grandma I couldn't have chocolate, she kept trying to give it to me. Then on Easter I was about a year old, she put some in my Easter basket. So my parents just decided to sit back and relax while I wreaked havoc on her house, breakables, and everything within reach. She kept asking my parents why I was suddenly acting like a little tornado, and my dad was just like "Did you give her any chocolate?". They didn't help her while I ran amock. Last time she gave me chocolate (until she could mail it to us and she wasn't around for the fallout, lol).

If I were you, I'd just give her the fussy baby for the weekend and write out the routine. Then turn off my phone. Let her learn first hand why she needs to follow a routine and that your baby isn't some cute gerber baby that smiles, needs cuddles 24/7, and never poops.

She may not ever ask to watch him again and the problem will solve itself. You could even rub it in and ask if she wants to take him again.

Ok yeah, I don't give the best advice, but it does sound tempting, doesn't it?

Anyway, I had to do the whole holiday crap too with both parents, because they kept insisting we spend Christmas with THEM. Told both families we were done with the holiday bullshit and we wanted to enjoy our holidays. Made a compromise they get to pick which day they want, the day before or the day after and we'd alternate each year who got to pick first (somehow it just worked that DH family gets the day before and mine gets the day after). We get the actual day to ourselves, which in hindsight was good to establish anyway now that we have a baby. We got flack from both sides, but a year and they settled in and were fine and we all had much more enjoyable holidays from then on because no one was stressed, including the family.

Of course now that my brother's work schedule has changed a little, we do it based on who has a harder time getting a free day and make it work when they get their day off.