please guess why my dad doesn't care

[LiberalLibertine]

Hi, brief back story, my dad was in the army, he didn't meet me until I was 9 months old (my mum blames this ) I have an older brother 2 years older, who has a great relationship with our dad.

My dad was and probably still is an alcoholic, his mother died when he was 12 and his dad was uncaring, he got out as fast as he could from his family home.

Anyway, we've always had a relationship where I would do anything for his approval/affection/attention, including being a tear away etc.

When my first was born (his first gc) he came to the hospital, and said I'd see a lot of him now the baby was here, and I did, for about 2 years. Then he went back to not caring, or ringing for months on end, even though he rings my brother every day!?!

It's been nearly 6 months since I heard from him, as I decided not to chase him and see what he did, now I know, nothing.

It's making my heart, my mum thinks I should let it go, but I find it so hard, I'm 40 ffs why can't I tell him to fuck the fuck off?

Thanks for reading, and for any insight you may have.

What was his relationship with your mum like - when you were a baby and when your brother was a baby?

My guess is that he's a very fucked up individual who has difficulty in maintaining relationships (sounds like he can really only handle 1 and he sounds more dependent on your db than fond of him). I don't think it's a reflection on you at all.

Maybe he just is crap at relating to women? His mother died young, maybe a very short relationship with your mother(?) and being in the army, didn't get a chance to get to know women as people, iuswim, in the same way he would have done had he been a civilian. Oddly, my Dad used to talk about men he had been in the army with, who were 'men's men'... not gay, but not comfortable particularly around women.

This doesn't excuse it in any way, just might be something in it.

He is an alcoholic and you have been raised to be the child of an alcoholic parent. You are codependent and still seek your Dad's approval, approval btw he will never give you. He is an alcoholic and selfish with it, he only really cares about where the next drink is coming from. You and everyone else are way down on his priority list even if you are on it.

It is NOT your fault he is like this. You need to grieve for the relationship with your Dad you should have had.

I would suggest you read Co-dependent No More written by Melodie Beattie (you may well still feel a sense of responsibility towards him) and talk to Al-anon if you have not already done so. Al-anon are specifically for family members of problem drinkers.

He Was away 9 out of every 12 months normally, the army life suited him, it's a big drinking culture,I think he felt bored at home tbh. I've got good memories don't get me wrong, he loved my mum in his own way, but pissed his wages up the wall and she had to manage, she did fantastically.

I just wish I could switch off.

You are asking us to guess why he doesn't care but the real question is why do you care about him?

He is alcoholic, he withholds affection from you, treats your DB better, doesn't contact you unless you contact him. He is hardly father of the year is he?

You don't need to tell him to fuck off you just need to let him go.

It's not you it's him, he isn't worth the effort.

Sorry,I missed loads of posts writing that dp keeps talking at me about football

Thanks for the wise words

HoldThePage you're absolutely right,I just can't seem to do it.

When I say alcoholic, he's a high functioning alcoholic, has always worked hard, still does, he can be the most fantastic man.

I don't know why your dad is like he is. Mine is old, and sweet, and sad because my mum died. But he was one heck of a bastard in his youth and didn't know when my birthday was or when my gce results were due, and was prone to saying 'ignore her, she's only a child', until other men started getting interested in me and then i had to be watched at all times. Even today, he said to me 'You're wearing make-up!' as if I were a misbehaving 13 year old - I'm nearly 60 ffs!
Perhaps they are just bastards. Just. No explanation. i do know that you never get over your parents not loving you, but counselling can help you live with it.

He lost his mum, the woman in his life when he was a child. There is a possibility that he's scared he will lose the other woman who means everything to him- you. I'm not excusing his behavior

I'd guess he simply feels 'easier' with other men - eg your brother. The army was still a pretty traditional male culture when he was first in it and maybe he simply doesn't know how to get on with women, particularly as he had only a short relationship with his own mother and a wife he saw only rarely.

Just a guess though.

When I say alcoholic, he's a high functioning alcoholic, has always worked hard, still does, he can be the most fantastic man.

So was my mother. Always got us to swimming club and so on on time, always turned up to work, where I think she did a good job. On a practical level, she did a very good job at bringing us up. My sister and I are very capable at all sorts of things, and had no problems running a household when we left home.

Bloody crap at the emotional side, though. Do not underestimate the power of alcohol to totally fuck up relationships. Do not assume that any part of this is a failing of yours - it's not; nor that there's a lot you can do to fix it - you can't.

My mam thinks I should write down how I feel about it all and send it to him, she thinks it will give me some sort of closure, but there's no point is there? I think you're all right, he hasn't actually got the capacity to maintain a relationship with me and my kids,I think he'd rather not try than keep letting us down.

And thanks Atilla I'll definitely check the book out

You could consider writing down how you feel and not send it to him, though - it might be helpful to you.

Some men are utterly shit fathers, Liberal. My 'D'F and I have a terrible relationship. I've slowly come to realise it's not me, it's him. It sounds like your dad is the same.

Big hugs x

There may be many reasons.

As said his mum died, his dad didn't provide a great home for him, the army gave him something, but it wouldn't have been great for building relationships with women. He wasn't around a lot to bond. He has the drinking issue. I wonder that he maybe sees himself as not a very good father or grandfather.

If you want to have a relationship with him would it be so bad if you were the one doing the chasing?

Has your brother an opinion?

I do want a relationship with him, badly.

And no, it wouldn't be so bad if I was doing all the work.

What started me stopping contact was him not sending ds a birthday card, then he phoned him (bit pissed I think) and promised it was in the post,ds kept asking if it had come, and it never did, then he didn't send them Christmas cards.

Would it be ok to let the kids know it's just grandpa's way, they may get a card, they may not?

I'd rather have a low contact relationship than none at all.

My brother and him have a very superficial relationship imo, all jokes and stories, but when my db had depression a few years ago, for a short while, my dad was nowhere in sight.

I try not to talk to db about it, he can't change it, and I don't want him feeling sick in the middle, we're really close.

I really appreciate your replies, it's honestly helped massively to see others perspective, so thanks.

Hi op i understand how your feeling.

My dad is the same although he isn't a alcoholic - which is no excuse.

I've always been invisible to to him. My parents split up while I was a baby and when I went to visit him at weekends I was just palmed off on my GP for the whole time while he went fishing/pub.

When he remarried and had to sons I went to love with him. It was just the same. He would go to the shop, by the boys chocolatates and actually forget to buy me any. My DSM actually raised me while I was there.

He was very close to his boys, visits to the zoo, fishing..anything they wanted they got - he was a great dad to them

When he remarried again - they went out the window too.

Two years ago I actually went a whole year with out seeing him or contacting him just to see how long it would take. I seen him at a relatives party I had organised. He sat at the other end if the table while his third wife made embarrassing small talk with my dd1 (18)

When we was leaving and all out side, he just walked off saying " ok love, see you when I see you" - absolutely no idea at all.

When I had dd2 and he visited I told him straight that I would cut him out if he didn't make an effort with her.

He did fir about four months then it whittled down again.

He did visit at Easter (first time since Xmas) I asked if he was going to visit db who live on next street and he said " no, he will be on his computer' -- couldn't be arsed.

My dp gets so mad with him at the fact he has a daughter and two DGD that he is not interested in seeing. Even though he spends every weekend with his dsgd. He only lives ten mins away

It's hurt me so mch over the years that he never thought here was any need to see me! I could never be like this with my kids.

I'm a grown woman Now and come to the conclusion of fuck him. It's his loss. Its not me it's him. Self absorbed, useless father, weak , pathetic. He just can't be arsed. Out of sight out of mind.

When he dos rng it's either bragging about something or tellng me how fuckng depressed he is, never asking about me or my kids.

I honestly wouldn't care if he fell of the end of the earth now and I didn't see or hear from him again. I can't make him love me or dds - neither can you. Your chasing something that isn't there. When me and dp get married he will not be giving me away.

It's his loss /fault not yours. The way I have stopped feeling bitter/ jealous/angry/hurt is to not expect anything .

After the year of radio silence - it shown me he wasn't worth a fuck, if he didn't want to see my beautiful kids.

Why try a build a non relationship with him and your ds so he can make them feel like shit too - do t you thnk he did enough to you?

You state that you do want a relationship with him, badly. I think you need to further examine your own reasons as to why that is the case. Also talking to Al-anon would be a good idea.

TBH Liberal I do not think that your Dad is actually worth having a low contact relationship with, particularly if you have to do all the running. That further absolves him of any responsibility for his actions and enables him. I think you would end up feeling both resentful towards him and disappointed yet again.

Again read up on co-dependency; its often a feature within relationships where alcoholism is involved.

You really do not need his approval any more, not that he would ever give that or has really given that to you anyway. He is selfish, weak and only cares about his own self. That is not the type of grandfather figure your son needs to see either; he needs positive male and female role models, not some granddad who phones up pissed and lies to your child about a birthday card.

Bloody hell fizzy they sound exactly the same!

And yes, if it wasn't for the kids I'd not be in this dilemma quite so much, but I never want them to feel like they're not good enough.

My db and his wife tried 6 rounds of ivf, but failed to conceive :( I wonder what would have happened if they had been successful sometimes.

I'm getting married too, and asked my brother last week if he would give me away.

He's missing out on so much, but it's his call I guess.

LiberalLibertine - well done for asking your DB to give you away at your wedding & if your DF is put out about that when he finds out about it then it would give you the opportunity to tell him some home truths.

Oh Lib How hard has it been for you. I think that you just have to realise that some parents are really crap at parenting. All you can do is concentrate on your own family, Dp and Dc. He will always be your Father and whether you have contact or not that will not change...you just have to accept the way he is now and by all accounts has always been. God knows how hard it is for us when we don't have that perfect relationship with family members that we so much would like. I wouldn't beet yourself up too much. I agree with EBearhug in writing it down...write a letter to him...it's up to you if you send it or not. One thing that I have learnt through my dd's and dp is that some things are not your fault and that you cannot change the past. FWIT I think my own mother should not have had children but then I would not have the lovely family that I have now. It's about us, me, my dp, my dd's and that's it. As long as we're ok. Look at the positives Lib you have a relationship with your db and hopefully your dp has a lovely family. Sending you hugs and